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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

HELP! 5yo dd removing clothes and 'doing sec-SEE' in the school toilets

48 replies

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:07

I'm not sure what to think about all this. Came out tonight that she does this, including lying on toilet floor whilst girl gets on top of her (clothes removed). Frankly, the state of the toilet floor alone is enough to make anyone freak. Says she does it every day. There's a group of them doing it, sometimes 3 in there at a time, although it is usually with this one girl.

I asked her if she thought it was ok and she said, "No". It transpired they have been caught once "sexing" and told off and they promised not to do it again. So I am pretty cross about that.

Is this usual? Is it a common phase in YR?

I feel like I should make her confess to the TA what's been happening (she's a bit more clued up than the actual teacher). But I don't want to punish her for telling me, and stop her being open in the future. I don't know how to explain to her that this is not ok, other than repeating that her private areas are private. She knows that very, very well, but there is obviously some sort of thrill involved.

I feel all over the shop tbh. Would love some advice from teachers and parents.

OP posts:

FunnyFoot · 10/06/2014 20:11

How long are these 5 yo allowed in the toilet before somebody goes and finds them? I mean 5 yo are not particularly speedy at dressing and undressing. Are you honestly saying teachers have not noticed this?

You have to take this straight to the school.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:16

Well, most of YR is free play. I know it must be freeplay time as it involves a girl from another class. I think sometimes clothes are removed or she also mentioned "We have to pull our clothes down" ie. I think pulling down tights or knickers. At the moment, she only has a summer dress and underwear so it wouldn't take long at all to get dressed and undressed. She's quite speedy at home.

Do you mean take it to the TA or the teacher or the head?

OP posts:

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:17

What I mean is during free play, all 3 classes mingle, play in each other's classes as well as a sizeable outside area, so a couple of children would not be missed unless someone was specifically looking for one of them.

OP posts:

MrsMaturin · 10/06/2014 20:17

This seems a bit more detailed than young children usually get up to. I think you need to speak privately to the TA and teacher and they need to consider what's going on here. Policing the loos is one thing - I agree where did they get the time to do this - but a more worrying consideration is where did they get the impetus to do this. Do you get the impression that is at your child's instigation?

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:19

No. not my child's instigation. We have not even covered how babies are made yet. There is a girl in this group who has a sister in Y5 so it could be coming from there, although the girl my dd seems to say is at the centre of it all is the eldest in family. I agree, it did concern me a bit how much she seems to know, but it could easily come from a parent explaining sex ed. I suppose.

OP posts:

onetiredmummy · 10/06/2014 20:19

The other girl, do you know her? I agree with PP to find which of them is instigating it.

FunnyFoot · 10/06/2014 20:19

The head OP.

I appreciate children are inquisitive about their bodies and do explore however the phrases you say that are being used and the getting on top minus underwear is not what I would view as the normal exploration of their bodies.
This is very sexualised behaviour and has come from somewhere whether it be TV, something they have seen parents/adults do or something much more sinister.

onetiredmummy · 10/06/2014 20:20

x post

MrsKCastle · 10/06/2014 20:20

Yes, straight to the school. A little bit of 'show me yours, I'll show you mine' is normal for young children, but this would concern me. Especially the lying down with another girl on top.

Write down the details now, while it's fresh in your mind- try and use your DD's exact words if you can. Make an appointment to speak to someone at the school tomorrow- preferably someone higher than the TA.

I'd want to a) ensure that my concerns were recorded, including the names of the other girls, b) get an explanation of why you weren't contacted the first time and c) an explanation of the steps they plan to take to ensure that this will not happen again.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:21

My dd even says 'sexy' with the accent of the girls in the group ie. sec-SEE.

OP posts:

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 10/06/2014 20:21

This needs to be addressed directly with the head teacher. It sounds like the other girl may be influencing your daughter to do things she isn't comfortable with & that's totally not on. I am amazed the school has 'caught' them doing this and not informed parents.

onetiredmummy · 10/06/2014 20:22

I've explained sex a bit to my year 4 ds, but I didn't go into positions or who is where, that is concerning.

Mumof3xox · 10/06/2014 20:22

I would take this straight to the head as I would be highly concerned that one of these girls may be being exposed to something she shoukd not

SanityClause · 10/06/2014 20:22

It's not for the OP to find out anything at all.

Merry, I would speak to the class teacher, and tell her everyone you know - who is involved, and what is going on.

I think they would have real concerns about where this is coming from.

SanityClause · 10/06/2014 20:24

Tell her everything, not everyone.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:24

Thanks that's really helpful, MrsK. I know the Head so I can talk to her. I do not know the girl dd seems to do it most with very well at all (never been to our house). I know the other 2 girls fairly well and am confident one of them comes from a v loving family (the one with a Y5 sister), but her sister is quite grown up, and they share a room.

So, do you think I should bypass dd 'confessing' for the moment.

OP posts:

MrsKCastle · 10/06/2014 20:24

Just to add, as a teacher, this type of behaviour would be an immediate child protection red flag. It could be a child who has learned about sex in a perfectly acceptable way, and is intrigued. Or it could be something more- a child who has been exposed to porn for instance.

BorisJohnsonsHair · 10/06/2014 20:26

I'm guessing the influence is probably from stuff seen online, possibly music videos? But it's definitely worth mentioning to her teacher.

MrsMaturin · 10/06/2014 20:26

I agree, I certainly wouldn't question your daughter further. Just give all the info and your impressions to the staff. It could very well have come from an older child and be totally innocent but what's important here is not you knowing how this came about. What's important is keeping all the kids involved happy and safe.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:27

Sanity, I don't trust the class teacher. She's a bit all over the place and very defensive. I can see her saying, "It's totally NORMAL" and looking at me like I am mad. Also, it does involve 2 girls from another class.

OP posts:

MrsKCastle · 10/06/2014 20:27

With your DD- I'd reassure her that she was absolutely right to tell you, give her lots of praise for that. Make it clear that you're not angry with her, but reinforce the privates are private thing and explain that she mustn't do it any more- and should tell you immediately if anyone asks her to.

AnotherStitchInTime · 10/06/2014 20:27

You need to talk to the class teacher about this. It could be innocent as some yrR children do act out in this way, through curiosity, but equally it does sound a little bit beyond the norm and might class as a child protection issue as sometimes children act out sexual behaviour if they have been exposed inappropriately to adult behaviour. 'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours' more usual than actual touching. The school need to have a plan in place to increase vigilance on the toilets during free play to nip it in the bud.

With your daughter be gentle, reassure her that she did the right thing to talk to you about it and that she isn't in any trouble. You did the right thing by explaining privacy again to her.

I had a similar situation with inappropriate touching of another girl towards my yr R dd recently and the school were very good about it.

MrsMaturin · 10/06/2014 20:28

No, don't get your child to 'confess'. You need to report the situation and let the people trained to do so work out whats happening here and thereby manage the kids behaviour so it's safe and appropriate. you don't need to do anything about that other than report it.

MrsMaturin · 10/06/2014 20:29

If you don't trust the teacher talk to the head or deputy head but they will probably ask why you haven't spoken to the teacher first. The involvement of two classes gives you some 'cover' though on that one I guess.

s88 · 10/06/2014 20:29

My dd is 5 and in reception and she would not do something like this . She wouldn't even know what sexing was .

straight to the head teacher I think

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