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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

HELP! 5yo dd removing clothes and 'doing sec-SEE' in the school toilets

48 replies

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:07

I'm not sure what to think about all this. Came out tonight that she does this, including lying on toilet floor whilst girl gets on top of her (clothes removed). Frankly, the state of the toilet floor alone is enough to make anyone freak. Says she does it every day. There's a group of them doing it, sometimes 3 in there at a time, although it is usually with this one girl.

I asked her if she thought it was ok and she said, "No". It transpired they have been caught once "sexing" and told off and they promised not to do it again. So I am pretty cross about that.

Is this usual? Is it a common phase in YR?

I feel like I should make her confess to the TA what's been happening (she's a bit more clued up than the actual teacher). But I don't want to punish her for telling me, and stop her being open in the future. I don't know how to explain to her that this is not ok, other than repeating that her private areas are private. She knows that very, very well, but there is obviously some sort of thrill involved.

I feel all over the shop tbh. Would love some advice from teachers and parents.

OP posts:

stargirl1701 · 10/06/2014 20:30

Who is the lead child protection teacher in the school? Take it to her. She will have the training and resources to deal with it.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:30

OK, no more questions to dd. Thanks for advice. We did talk about it quite a bit tonight, but I was very low key about it. Will pop my head around Head's door tomorrow.

OP posts:

AnotherStitchInTime · 10/06/2014 20:30

If you feel uncomfortable with talking to the class teacher, the head or named child protection member of staff would be appropriate too.

tinkerbellvspredator · 10/06/2014 20:32

It's concerning that they have already been caught but no action appears to have been taken, for that reason I would go to the head rather than the class teacher.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:32

I assume Head can refer to child protection. I have no idea who is in charge of that.

OP posts:

babybythesea · 10/06/2014 20:33

Just spoken to a teacher who has lots of experience of children this age. She says go straight to the Head. Not the TA. It will be a red flag for child protection, as this is definitely not in the realm of normal behaviour. It will need to be investigated properly, and should not just be dealt with by talking to the children and leaving it there (she has experience of uncovering abuse cases and behaviour which can set alarm bells ringing, and reckons this would be one of those behaviours. Doesn't mean there is abuse - she could be somehow seeing something inappropriate rather than experiencing it! But it needs to be looked at so for her sake as well as your DD's you have to pass the information on). The children should not get into trouble, but should have quiet chats about how they felt, why it's not ok, what to do if you are not comfortable with something etc etc.

AnotherStitchInTime · 10/06/2014 20:33

Yes head can, often head is the named child protection staff member anyway.

babybythesea · 10/06/2014 20:35

And it took me so long to type that put you already had the answer.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:39

Thanks everyone. I was thinking some of these things but then wondering if I was over reacting. And just cross with dd for continuing to do this when she promised she would not. And now I am cross with the school for not informing me about it (though to be fair, I am not sure if they were caught lying on the floor, or whether they were just in toilet together giggling at the point they were caught).

OP posts:

FunnyFoot · 10/06/2014 20:42

Wait a minute are you saying you were previously aware of this behaviour before tonight?

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:43

No. I was not aware. But dd said they had been caught 'sexing' and promised not to do it again.

OP posts:

Iggly · 10/06/2014 20:44

Don't be cross with your dd. She's young, impressionable and still a bit impulsive

LindyHemming · 10/06/2014 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 20:51

I know Iggly. But the amount of conversations we have had about private areas being private and to tell me if anyone wants to look at hers (let alone touch) or shows them theirs and just re-iterating that is not ok for people to do this. One of the worrying things about all this for me is that it 'normalises' this sexual behaviour a bit as something fun and a bit 'naughty' (not allowed but fun, like sneaking a sweetie into school). I don't want her to feel that comfortable with all this stuff, because maybe it could just make it all seem fairly normal.

OP posts:

MrsMaturin · 10/06/2014 20:58

She's 5 OP. She can't remember how to safely cross a road and won't do for some years! It's totally to be expected that she doesn't remember or associate what you've said with this behaviour. These are her contemporaries and I think it's really important that we're clear - they aren't doing anything wrong either. It needs to be discovered where this behaviour has originated and they need to be guided carefully BUT this incident in itself is not damaging for your dd nor is it something you should have protected her from. It's great that she told you about it.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 21:07

Thanks. I will be kind to her tomorrow. However, she does know she is doing something wrong. She was very giggly about it and when I asked if she thought it was ok, she knew it wasn't. I didn't react at all. I was actually quite curious as to her thought process. I asked why she didn't think it was ok, and that is when it came out that they had been caught and promised not to do it. I know she is a bit of a 'follower' but I don't like the idea of her doing 'naughty' things because other people are doing them.

OP posts:

Iggly · 10/06/2014 21:26

It isn't naughty though not really. You don't want to give her a hang up. These messages will take a while to sink in.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 10/06/2014 21:33

We have a very free and easy household when it comes to nudity. I just don't see why she would be that excited by this, other than she knows it's not allowed.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 10/06/2014 21:36

I agree that reporting it to the school and say you are very concerned indeed. I don't think this is very usual behaviour but willing to be proved wrong. The school needs to take steps to make sure the children are supervised in the tiolets.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 11/06/2014 11:54

I spoke to Head of Early Years as Head was on training and she took it very seriously. She said she will speak to the Head, and will be getting back to me as well. She took a lot of notes of things I said etc.

OP posts:

Mumof3xox · 11/06/2014 13:03

That's good news op!

Hopefully it has stemmed from something innocent but it does seem they know too many details tbh

Tiredteacher1 · 11/06/2014 21:28

Glad you spoke to someone and it's being sorted :)

Tallandgracefulmum · 17/06/2014 15:34

Firstly talk to your DD, you are the first teacher she has at home. Tell her what is acceptable behaviour and whats right for a girl of her age to do and not do. Also, is she imitating tv or music videos? Secondly, talk to the school, knock this on the head. DC should not be group going to the toilet, they should have monitors etc. Sorry I can't be of more help here, sounds like something my DD2 might get up to if the "crowd" were doing it, but DD1 would not even contemplate laying down on the lav floor.

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