Private school ponderings

[Naicecuppatea]

Just wondering if anyone has been in the situation where they feel that their child's personality/capabilities were more suited to private school? Could you please let me know how you came to this decision if you were fortunate enough to be able to afford the private school option for your child?

I have one child at a local state primary and she is very happy there. My younger child is a very different personality and is not starting for another year in Reception (she is October born). This could be entirely an hypothetical question as I am really not sure whether we would be able to do anything about it.

You have to be specific about what you mean when you say private school. They range for ones that are cut throat academic to those for not academic rich children who like to ski and ride horses.

Personally I would find it more difficult to decide to pay for one child's education but not the other.

We would have gone private if we could have afforded it, but only because the schools round here aren't too good.
I know what you mean about the personality aspect, its difficult to put into words.
I think, unless you go for a specific school, maybe a specialist school it may be difficult to send one and not the other.
You'd obviously have to find away of getting through to your dc that it wasn't favouritism.

Yes enderwoman and morethan the favouring one over the other education-wise is something else I would really struggle with. I guess I am thinking a better academic school.

I have 3 children. My oldest is academic and outgoing. My youngest is shy and in bottom groups (above national average but it's an academic state school).
If I was going to pay for one of them to go private it would be the younger one. I think that shy, quiet children who don't misbehave and are academically average get lost in the state school system. In an ideal world I'd send him to a school with smaller classes and can nurture and push gently at the same time.

I have a child who is more suited to the environment of a private school. He is very academic but it is the class sizes that make the difference for me as his personality is better suited to a smaller class environment. It is a double benefit that it is easier to differentiate work levels for children of different abilities in a smaller class so my child works more consistently at a level appropriate to his ability. Although some large mixed ability classes manage that quite well too, so perhaps the individual teachers are the main consideration.
My child did originally attend a state school but he is definitely happier and thriving more at the private school (not an academically selective private school).
I have another child who attends a state school and that is the best environment for him. There is no guilt about one being at a private school and one being at a state school because they are both in the places that are most suited to them as individuals.

I would be very wary of sending one private and not the other. Even if you, in your heart of hearts, think it's in both of their best interests, in my experience it was v difficult for the state school educated child to feel as valued.

We weren't sure about how one of ours would cope at a big state school but she has absolutely flown. It helps that the behaviour is generally pretty good there. I had my reservations but the deal I made with my DH was we'd start her in state school and move her IF it wasn't working. We have never considered moving her.

We would if we could afford it. We've got 2 very bright children and live in a low income, low achieving area.

That's a clue to the fact we can't afford it htough.

Thanks for all the replies, lots of things to think about.

One of my children is very academic, loves learning, very musical, but not sporty - a real introvert, and a bit of an 'easy target'. The other one is fairly bright, very outgoing, very easy going. We are sending them both to a private school because the extremely bright, quiet one benefits so much from all of the pastoral care and work on public speaking and performing. To be honest the other child would probably do equally well at a state primary, but I worried about paying for private school for one and not the other, and couldn't cope with the logistics of two school runs etc.

One of my dc is at a private school: she is a dreamy, imaginative sort and needed a push, she could coast at her primary school at a fairly mediocre level, because she wasn't one of the more challenging children. She also had a slightly dysfunctional peer group - a lot of changes and all her friends were moving by the end of Y2 or 3, we could see she'd end up isolated. Moving her has worked brilliantly, she's doing far better at the private school because of higher expectations.

The younger child is at the same school and is thriving because she is extremely motivated and more academic, however, she's going to the private school next year as we felt we couldn't educate one child privately and not the other. I am worrying about the cost. I'll be very interested to see if her work/attitude change significantly once she's in that environment.

One of my children is at private school because he was assessed as profoundly gifted by an EP who went on to say that his problems at his state school were caused in part by him having no understanding of the motivations of his peers and vice versa. We were told he would be happier in the most selective school we could find. He is.

My other child is quiet with attention problems. She is also at a ;rivate all girls school which focuses on nurturing children and building confidence. She gets more attention and is not overwhelmed by the boys. She too is happier.

Every school does not suit every child.

I have 1 at private (DD reception age) and 1 at state (DS year 5). DS is gifted, very self-motivated, independent and confident where as DD is bright but not amazingly so, prone to daydreaming and needs the attention that a small class gives and the extra support/pushing.

The deciding factor in our case though was that DD didn't get into DS's school (which is a very over subscribed, outstanding Catholic school) and sending her to private school was the only way we could give her the same standard of education DS receives.

I did talk it through with DS and he visited the private school with me but he feels his state school is better and said he doesn't want to be in a smaller class, he also felt the sports teams at his current school are better which is important to him. Academically the two schools actually achieve similar results so there didn't seem much point moving him and private hadn't been an option when he started school.

Thank you once again everyone!

Just to add a slightly different point - we moved dc1 from local primary to selective prep which was the best move ever. Then we moved dc2 only because we felt we had to, but I am actually starting to resent spending £1000's on dc2 education as she can't be bothered to make the most out the opportunity. I will def be looking at state senior schools as an option for dc2.
So my point is that unless you have money to burn, paying for education just because you did it for other dc may backfire.
Good luck. talk to dc about it and chose a school to fit each dc.

I would be very wary of sending one private and not the other. Even if you, in your heart of hearts, think it's in both of their best interests, in my experience it was v difficult for the state school educated child to feel as valued.

I don't think that any of that needs to be true. Why would a child feel less valued unless the parents and other people instil the message that paying = better. Different schools suit different children and that is the message that needs to be conveyed. A child who has dyslexia for example might be much better catered for in a state school whereas his sibling who has no specific learning difficulties but has a talent for something particular might be better catered for in a private school that specialises in that field. Likewise, an exceptionally gifted child might be best placed in a school that is highly selective but his sibling who is of average ability might be much happier at the local comp where he doesn't face unrealistic expectations; he would probably feel pretty miserable in the highly selective environment knowing that he will always be bottom of the class.
I don't think that a parent needs to ensure that each child has the same monetary value spent on them to ensure that they feel equally valued. I think a child will feel equally valued if he knows that you have chosen the best school for him and that he is happy at that school and that you show an equal level of interest in whatever he chooses to do.

I can speak from experience as my brother went to a private grammar school and I went to a state high school. Of the two of us, I was the more academic both before, during and after secondary school. My parents felt my brother needed the private grammar school to get the most out of his education, but that I would be OK more or less wherever I went to school. My parents were not rich and had to go into debt to afford the fees.
I don't feel too bad about it. BUT I think if I was less academic and he was more so, then I would feel pretty awful, because it would seem as if I had missed out on opportunities, or was less favoured. ie it only worked out OK because I was doing well at school.
I am happy with the education I got, and the social experiences that I had that I probably wouldn't have done at a private school (which would have had a less diverse intake by any measure).

TBH I think it may be parents who have more of a hard time accepting that they are paying for one child but don't need to pay for the other (other than through the taxation system!). But if a school is right for one and not the other what does it matter if one is private and the other state?

impatientismymiddlename I don't think the reality is quite so simple though. If your parents spent hundreds of pounds on presents for your brother every christmas and birthday, and always just bought you a £6 book, not just once but for years on end, would you honestly not feel like a second class citizen? Even if your parents told you that your brother needed all those expensive presents because it was part of his quad biking hobby, whereas you prefer reading and therefore the book is the better present for you. Ok, stretching the point, but children are not completely immune to these things, however carefully brought up. It's not just the school fees, the one at private school is likely to need more uniform and more expensive, more equipment, get more trips etc.

In particular, i would worry about the very situation you suggest about sending the brighter child private. The other one gets a double blow to their self esteem. "Don't worry darling, you're too thick to enjoy your sister's school anyway." No matter how much you genuinely believe it is in their best interests (and I'm quite sure you do), that is quite a hard message to get over in a positive way. Even if it was a more positive "you can cope in the state system and your sister can't" I really can't see a 14 year old buying it.

I went to a private secondary; one brother was state all through; one went private for 6th form.

To make it 'even worse', the condition for going to private school was getting the maximum possible scholarship (essentially, my private education was free - cheaper to send me there to board than to feed me). One brother 'just' got an exhibitioon, so couldn't go, the other got a 6th form scholarship.

It caused almost no angst between us growing up. There was a period in iour 20s when it was briefly a source of friction, but never before or since.

We did all get very similar Oxbridge degrees, despite our different schooling, which I suppose 'levelled the playing field': whatever the difference in input, the outcome was the same and so this was not a breeding ground for resentment.

I should have said: I was the one who attended to the local Primary/Comp whilst my brother went Prep School/Boarding all through. Absolutely no question in my mind that this was the right thing for both of us. And absolutely no resentment - he would have sunk without a trace in the education system I did well in. Enjoyed taking the piss out of his uniform though! /emo/te/2.gif

Hope this helps.

In particular, i would worry about the very situation you suggest about sending the brighter child private. The other one gets a double blow to their self esteem. "Don't worry darling, you're too thick to enjoy your sister's school anyway." No matter how much you genuinely believe it is in their best interests (and I'm quite sure you do), that is quite a hard message to get over in a positive way. Even if it was a more positive "you can cope in the state system and your sister can't" I really can't see a 14 year old buying it.

It's not always that simple though. My oldest son could not attend a private school because he has a statement of SEN and his needs could never be met at any private school. His brother does attend a private school (with a hefty scholarship). Both children's needs are well met at their schools and neither would be met if they swapped places. I know for a fact that there is no jealousy about which schools they go to, but they do show jealousy over other things such as one has an ensuite bedroom and the other doesn't, one has an iphone and one doesn't. It isn't always right to try and make everything exactly equal in life for our children. It is right to ensure that they each get what they need. They both get plenty of my time and are equally supported with their education.

Do your children have exactly the same sized bedrooms?
If one gets a £90 pair of trainers do you spend exactly £90 on a pair of trainers at the same time for the other or do you wait until he needs new trainers and then spend what is required?
If one has a school trip costing £600 do you take the other one away at the same time and ensure that the same is spent?

Take out the money aspect: if you live in a state grammar area and one child passes the 11+ and one doesn't then do you tell the one who passed that you are not accepting the place (or move them if already attending) because you can't get a place for their sibling and you are afraid that their sibling will feel less valued because they can't attend a selective school?
If it's just about money then we must have bred a nation of spoilt children who can't bear the thought of their sibling having more money spent on them. Maybe I'm just lucky in that my children place far more value on my time and effort than they do on my purse.