Private school ponderings

[Naicecuppatea]

Just wondering if anyone has been in the situation where they feel that their child's personality/capabilities were more suited to private school? Could you please let me know how you came to this decision if you were fortunate enough to be able to afford the private school option for your child?

I have one child at a local state primary and she is very happy there. My younger child is a very different personality and is not starting for another year in Reception (she is October born). This could be entirely an hypothetical question as I am really not sure whether we would be able to do anything about it.

To add: the jealousy over the ensuite and the iphone isn't about how much they cost. It's about the younger one knowing he is the youngest and has to wait until he's a little older to get a phone (we do have an old iphone we could give to him, but we won't until he is a little older). The youngest one (without the ensuite) has the biggest bedroom next to the family bathroom, but it's soooooo unfair that his brother doesn't have to go through two doors to use the toilet and only has to go through one.
The younger one is also jealous of the fact that the older one goes to bed an hour later and that the older one gets to watch certain programmes that he isn't allowed to watch yet.
Different Schools is the last thing that either of them is concerned about.

Your description of the staggering unfairness of the bathroom arrangements in your house made me laugh! That's exactly the sort of thing my two argue about.

Fair enough. No of course I don't always spend exactly the same on them because as you say it is not all about the money. I'm just saying it's asking a lot for them to be completely immune to it. If one was getting a £600 school trip every year and the other wasn't, I would do something to even it up. I don't think that makes my children spoilt. If your children would be happy to watch their sibling get an extra holiday each year because they value their time with you more, that is great.

You have only just mentioned that your one in state school has SEN. i can see why I'd do the same because the right state school has all sorts of specialist help which is very rarely found in private schools, and state would be a really positive choice. I have more of a problem with "an average ability child who'd be happier at the local comp" while their brighter sibling is sent privately. There are lots of private schools that aren't selective, and it's the middling ones who can get lost in the state system and really benefit from smaller class sizes. But my view is coloured by my own experience. And actually the fact that there was a super duper scholarship involved made it worse for the state educated one, not better, so maybe it was all about "brightness" not money anyway. Who knows?

Dd is y5 and level 6 but in school in special measures.

My brother went to private school, I didn't. He was just a year older. It knocked my self-esteem. I couldn't understand why I wasn't good enough. I remember when we moved looking round private schools and thinking they were thinking of sending me to one of these fab schools but discovering they weren't. My school was run of the mill where I was bullied for years and didn't achieve my potential. As an adult I understand they couldn't afford to send more than one (and could only send my brother as he got a scholarship) but growing up it was hard and contributed to a lack of self confidence. I've always vowed my kids would either all get the chance to go or none would.

Tiggytape I agree it's not that simple but the OP talks about choosing schools based on her children's different personalities at age 4. It's very different to using private school to even things up because one got a crappy allocation. To my mind that is v different to both the OP and Bilberry's experience.

I feel there's a head and heart thing going on here. In 'adult' mode we can debate the fairness and reach rational conclusions. I am absolutely positive my parents did that and maybe Bilberry's did too. But it doesn't stop the child in me feeling not good enough. Yeah, first world problems etc but my heart says don't treat them differently if you can possibly help it, especially at age 4.

erin I actually agree with you about the age thing as I had really discussed this from my own perspective and my children are older than 4. When my youngest moved to private he was half way through juniors and my eldest was at a senior school that could meet all of his needs well. Arguably we have made the most sacrifice for the one at state school as we moved house to ensure we were in catchment for his school and moving incurred a lot of cost and upheaval. But yes, to decide that one child at the age of 4 needs private school based just on personality is a little questionable when you don't feel the same about their sibling. In that case I would probably look at schools which give sibling discounts on fees.

I have one in private - huge scholorship (secondary) and one at state (primary). We have always said what we have done for one we have to be ale to offer to the other - hugely unfair IMO to not even be able to offer it if the child says they want it at a later date IYSWIM. As it is my DC2 doesn't want to go to DC1 school (ATM) but that may change - sibling rivalry is a funny thing and I think even if nothing is said at the time resent can bubble up years later !!! therefore if you can offer it to both then offer it to none (in the circumstances you describe). - lady with SEN son totally get your circumstances though

I agree that every child will have a different experience of school, and it doesn't necessarily mean disadvantaging making different choices for them. However, when I did move DD1 to an independent school age 9 I suddenly felt guilty not sending the others' at the same age.

I think the inequality of provision in was a big factor in our decision - clearly if you are in a fortunate position where your state school can offer similar to the independent or your child can make up the difference easily out of school, then there shouldn't really be such an issue.

My DD1 has felt a bit resentful because we didn't even look at private schools for her, although we did for her brother. However when I have talked to her about it, and explained the different financial situation we were in when she was going to secondary she has accepted it. In the end all three of mine will have been through the same excellent state schools, even though they are very different.
However with all 3 we have looked at different schools and if one had wanted (or we had thought it best) we would have applied to a different school.

Sovery - in your situation I would offer a monetary compensation to your eldest child to the value of what you will be spending to send the other one to private school

My parents made very different choices for me than for my brothers and, though I accepted it at the time, I now feel really resentful. That sounds so childish and petty and actually I did better academically than they did, but it's the care and thought they put into their education and the way they just dumped me a really rubbish (private) secondary just because it was convenient to them. They also spent about 4x on my brothers. They admit that it's because they didn't value girls' education in the same way.

Horrible though that was, I think it's better than 'well darling, your younger sister was just so much cleverer than you so she needed to go to a private'. I know state schools can be just as good (my children go to one) but if you are shelling out huge sums of money it's usually because you feel that a private school is offering something demonstrably better.

Are you worried your October-born is going to be too academic for a state school? There are clever kids at them you know...

I know state schools can be just as good (my children go to one) but if you are shelling out huge sums of money it's usually because you feel that a private school is offering something demonstrably better.

Why something demonstrably better and not just something different?
For example: Cheetams school of music in Manchester might be very good for a child who is very musically interested and talented but not much good for any other child.
The hammond school in Chester might be very good for a child who is very talented in drama or dance, but it wouldn't be useful for any other child.
A parent choosing either of those schools would be choosing them on the basis of a child's very specific interest and talent and not just because they are demonstrably better. They are choosing them because they offer something different and unique.

What about a situation where a parent sends child A to a local day private school costing £12k pa but sends child B to a state boarding school costing £10k pa for the lodging element because child B is desperate to board? Will they have made their choice based on one being demonstrably better than the other or based on what child B has requested and what suits child A? Should they say that actually neither of them can have what they desire / suits them best because child A is going to a private school and the equivalent private boarding option for child B would cost £30k which is not affordable? Or should they accept that their children have made considered choices and as long as they are reasonable choices and are affordable and suitable then it is worth looking into?
Is it just about the monetary difference or is it a misguided belief that more expensive = better and paying for a child's education = the child is valued more. Should we not be providing the absolute best and most appropriate that we can afford for each of our children as individuals?

enderwoman I disagree. My 2 brothers and 1 sister were all privately educated they were very academic and sporty. I on the other hand was educated in the state school all the way through. My parents moved house and this was a reason why I was not educated privately. Also as I am the youngest there are 10 years between my sister and I, the schools had vastly improved ( I am 33 now) my school was not oversubscribed and we had about 17 in a class so I was able to excel. I never needed the sports. If the parents don't make a big deal out of it then whats the problem? I have 3DC aged 6, 3 and 1 and surprise bun in the oven. If different schools suit your kids be it private and state then go for it. But I do agree educating closely aged children sperately through choice is not fair the private school offers what the other child could also benefit from.

Treating your children equally does not mean treating them the same.

I repeat this to myself many times when I have to make choices that makes me wonder if I am favouring one over the other. It all works out as I am aware of what I do for one and not the other.

DD2 and DS went to private school for 11/2 years (dd2) and 1 year ds then we moved and they all returned to the private system. At age 16 dd1 have never had any issue with her not having attended a private school and nor does dd3 age 10 they understand that dd2 needed the private school due to her dyslexia and I was not capable of being in 2 places at the same time so DS got to do reception too.

However we were from word go very open and clear about why we had made this choice and spoke to our children about it as much as we were able.

DSIL at age 56 still resents she was not unlike her 3 brothers privately secondary educated. the fact that the local girls school private ones had a poor rep and she went to a excellent grammar school does not count for her. She claims her parents wanted her to be a secretary and didnt see she had any abilities.

Insane thing is she did exactly the same thing and sent 1 child private the other not when one was dyslexic. She claims it is not the same as this child needed more help However to me it is. It was about ensuring your child was in the best place for them.

I think communication here is the key.

I wish we could afford privatre 2ndary for dd3 she would do well however we cant afford it