Six year old son so miserable about going to school, how concerned should I be?

[pimple]

DS is aged six and really does not want to go to school every day. He has been saying this since January and it has gradually got worse especially after the Easter holidays when he is now crying about going in.

I have spoken with his teacher and she says he is ok when at school but when I ask him he says that the day is too long. I ask about play times and he says he finds them boring.

He is a quieter boy and mixes well with all kids but is not keen on loud, 'show offs' (his words) but can rub along with them. I have watched him at parties and he is able to get along with most people. But I can see from many of the boys in his class he is quieter than most but not a complete 'shrinking violet' as he plays a lot of sport and manages ok with the physicality of this!!!!

I am worried as this does not see to be improving and would be grateful if others could offer their experiences or advice if they have had similar with their children. Academically he is getting on ok and progressing it seems to be the social side that he is not enjoying which seems a shame as he is unhappy.

Thanks

Have you talked to the teacher about all this? Particularly if other children are also unhappy. I would be very concerned about a number of children crying (after Christmas in reception), and wouldn't personally be eager to spend a day with 29 unhappy people, even if I wasn't unhappy for the same reason.

"He might be doing it to get attention and lets face it - which do you prefer a day off or a day at work?"

Well yes, but if the thought of going in to work made you cry every day then you should be looking for a different job. You might be able to put a brave face on it during your working day and hold things together so your colleagues think you are fine. But if you come home every day telling your partner that you aren't fine at work, you should be believed.

And what does it mean to say that someone is crying "to get attention"? Whether the crying is a genuine immediate response to how he is feeling in that moment, or whether it is some carefully calculated plan to achieve the aim of avoiding school, the motivation for the tears remains the same: unhappiness at school. Surely that underlying unhappiness deserves the same concern from parents and teachers, regardless of whether it is being expressed through "genuine" tears of distress or "fake" tears produced for the purpose of drawing attention to his plight.

Saracen but the teacher says he is fine when he gets there!

...and usually the threshold for a 6 yr old's tears is not the same as for an adult's tears.

Also, a 6 year old is Year 1. So this is not a Reception Class problem. There does come a time when children cannot have a world full of complete happiness, morning, noon and night. It may be they have to sit down, concentrate and do more work in year 1. We all want our children to be able to talk to us about things that make them unhappy, but we do not have to act on every single issue unless it is an issue of huge importance.

It also appears that you don't trust the school if you do your own observation! Might not go down well. I doubt very much that there are 29 unhappy children. Surely the other Mums would be talking?! It would be a nightmare to have 30 Year 1 children crying! I think the question is why do some children cry? The OP's 6 year old would rather stay at home, so he is making that quite clear. A parent should not necessarily agree to this just because it is what he says. It is up to the adult to make the rational decision on behalf of the child. I have seen a child cry every day in Year 1 and have separation problems. The mother kept standing by the window and waving goodbye after the rest of us were leaving. She kept crying too. It was just making matters worse. The child was fine when the Mother gave up standing at the window and was positive about school. This was a tiny independent school with a small class and the teacher was lovely. It just takes time, persuasion and lets face it, another teacher next year!

Thanks for the responses. I am very straightforward with him as we leave (believe me I am not the mother crying at the window!).

Ds seems to be improving day on day and was very animated yesterday when he came out of school. I spoke with his teacher this morning who is aware of the situation and she stood back to see how he dealt with it today (having intervened on previous days). Today I enlisted the help of one of his friends in the class (at DS request) and he walked off with him. It seems to be the initial separation in the morning. I agree that it is not uncommon in year one and he has had some issues with the fact he is required to sit down and work (we have got over this one!).

He is talking about it more and more each day and things are gradually improving.

Are you sure he's not being bullied? Does he tense up when he approached the school gate. What's his body language like. If he's not happy find out why. He might not be a good fit in that class and unless they can jiggle the class around he will be stuck there feeling more unhappy. I would look to move him.
In my own case I was assured everything was all right by his teacher and the HT. It wasn't. My DS was being bullied and it wasn't being picked up on/ignored. I moved him at the end of year 3 to his current school.

Only when my son had left did a midday supervisor come and tell me what had happened to him . Something is obviously not right with your son. You have to do something because no one else will.

There does come a time when children cannot have a world full of complete happiness, morning, noon and night.

This is one of the saddest things I have read in a while.

kicker how long was it before you moved your son?

We moved DS near the end of year 1, in the course of moving house. Bullying was a big part of his unhappiness, but we didn't really realise the extent of it until the move. We had a break at home before starting the new school, which has been much better for him. He would still rather not go, but just moans rather than needing to be physically carried in. He "merely" resents school now, rather than physically dreading it - which is a bit depressing for all concerned but appears to be the best we can currently manage. My other DC just get on with it fairly cheerfully with an occassional "normal" level of complaining.

Does the teacher give any insight into his unhappiness, or does she just think it's separation anxiety? Depending on the issue, a school change may just move the problem to new venue IYSWIM.

Hi, I wanted to move at the end of year one but there were no other school places near by so he had to stick it out until the end of year 2 (which I regret because I feel I should of created much more of a fuss and got him moved earlier) He enjoys school now and is in year 5.

DS says he only feels sad when I leave him so it would appear that it is separation anxiety tbh.

The teacher spoke with me on Friday and is aware of the situation and will monitor it.

I would like to consider moving him but he does have a sibling at the school too so would need to be sure it would improve the situation.

I am going to see how is again in Monday before having another talk with the teacher and this time I may broach the subject of a move.

Your replies and experiences are really helpful.

Hi pimple your DS sounds very similar to mine. year 1, difficult transition from play based reception to more structured learning in year 1, sensitive in the meaning he notices others emotions and actions, quiet and thoughtful but at the same time makes friends easily and can mix with a range of children but has trouble finding his 'tribe'. We had about 4-5 months of him constantly saying he didn't like school, didn't want to go, homework time was a nightmare, etc. Then, we as a family went gluten free for DS2 and overnight he changed. He just seems to find everything easier and he's happy, really happy. I wouldn't have believed it and we certainly didn't do it for him, but it was a happy by-product. I know it is a bit out there, but just thought it was worth mentioning. By the way, before going gluten free for DS2, would have thought it was a bit weird, but am now a convert.

Thanks palmetto for your post I found it interesting that your experience has been similar to mine.

DS was so happy at weekend and during the evenings. He was great up until I went to leave him this morning. Over the weekend he was odd about his swimming lesson (despite doing well and being actively praised by the teacher). He seems very low in confidence with anything he 'has' to do at the moment. It is almost like he wants to play and do what he wants and that is it.

we had this with our little boy in year 1 - and we also moved schools. Echoing what some of the other posters say...he was a changed child. He was unhappy for his old school for approx 6 mths by which time the upset he felt had also become too much for my dh and I. Like your son, ours is a homebird but he has never ever cried about his new school once. He has found a niche of friends who are like him (not footie mad etc) and he has blossomed. Good luck OP.

pimple, sounds very similar. As long as it was something he wanted to do he was happy, but anything else his confidence failed. We heard a lot of I can't, I don't want to, it's not fair, I don't like that, and, he had started finding fault with his friends, so and so did that or is bossy or is a show off or was mean to me, on and on. We had been in to school several times to talk to his teacher and had started 'looking' for ways to make new friends. I had started talking to mums in other years to arrange play dates with kids who may be better suited. We had a plan worked out with his teacher about how we would support him both at home and school. Then we went gluten free for his brother and, seriously in a week his teacher was stopping me at drop-off to say he was on fire and a different boy, homework that used to take all day he just did and he quit saying I can't and complaining about his friends and just got on. I can now tell when he has had some accidental gluten, he goes instantly to acting like a surly teenager. It's strange, and I wouldn't have believed it, and going gluten free is not an easy option, but may be worth a try for a week or two. If you do, I would recommend having figured out how to make a few of his favourite things GF. I have recipes for GF pizza which I can make ahead of time and freeze, GF chicken and fish fingers and GF sausages are easy to find now so it's manageable at home, slightly more tricky at school. Good luck. I'm happy to answer any questions if you are interested.

Thanks for replies.

He does not want me to go in the morning I wait with him until the bell goes and then leave I don't really know what else to do.

He is not keen to do anything else either except play. He was like it when he went swimming (his only external club) so it is not just school. The rest of the time he is really happy. It is that which makes me doubt the gluten diet aspect palmetto

Could it be a developmental phase?

I am worried for him.

I could have written this post myself! DS is almost 6 (in a couple of weeks) and so dis-engaged with school. It's heart-breaking, every single day when I wake him up and when he asks if it's school and I say yes he screams and cries. Have older DD (8) who is doing exceptionally well and wants to go to school when at deaths door so the extreme opposite.

Just about to go and have a meeting with the headmaster now so will read thread in it's entirety and respond properly this evening.

Thanks rollergirl1, have DD too who is as you described. Look forward to your reply later.

My DS did this - fine school nursery but reception very different.

Always told everything was fine - even when he started to get in trouble at end of the year.

We'd been told all year he was doing well - only end of year report showed he was very behind and struggling.

It had also become obvious to us, and other set of parents, by end of year that a previous close friendship had become very toxic - winding DS up till he snapped leaving him out - sort of stuff usually associated with slightly older girls. The staff still saw them as friends even when DS was apparacohing them for help like we told him to do.

Two stream intake so he was moved to other class for yr1 - and we worked at home to get him where he should be - took till after Christmas when he settled down and started to look forward to going to school.

I do wonder how much the staff see - as the DC school is very caring one.

DD1 is very quiet but underlying that is noise sensitivity and anxiety– eventually picked up by all her teachers though often not at first. She got on ok with a girl with changeling behaviour till forced to work with her most days in yr 3. Her anxiety levels climbed and she started having tantrums and tears about going in - nothing we said was taken on board - teacher even witnessed a tantrum about going to school on playground then complained to me about DD1 not being in right frame of mind at start of the day. Wasn't till DD1 couldn't cope at school anymore and started becoming hysterical in class that suddenly something was done. As soon as changed we made she was back to happy DC.

In yr 1 she had low level bullying going on with one girl - wasn't till we wrote dowe our concerns in a letter they were taken seriously and it stopped.

I do think them being quiet and generally well behaved means the staff miss signs that things aren’t right with them.

The wider family have put it down to DS being older so I can't rule it out being a development phase.

However I think the fact he has a small group of friends who company he enjoys and activley seek him out with no issues has got to be in there somewhere. He still see old toxic friend at breaks but seems to handle possibly as he's not being wound up all day.

As soon as he started looking forward to going - getting dressed with no isssues and walking behaving well in it made morning for whole family easier.

DS (6 in 2 weeks time) has really struggled with the transition between Reception and Yr1. Although if i'm honest he struggled a fair deal through Reception also. In Reception the parents would take the children up to the classroom and hand them over at the door. They did this for the entire year. In Yr1 they have to line up in the playground the same as everyone else (the school is one form entry but goes up to Yr6 so quite a lot of kids). DS really found it hard to adapt to this and the first term of Yr1 was a total nightmare for me with DS crying and clinging to me and totally not wanting to walk in to school. It got better in the second term and is actually now fine most of the time. Unless something happens to upset him.

However, I still have the issue of DS waking and upon learning that it's school, he just doesn't want to go. It's an ask for him to get dressed and clean his teeth, etc. Eventually I think he resides himself to the fact that he has to go and just gets on with it. But it makes me really sad that he quite clearly is not engaged (at the beginning of the day at least) holds no enthusiasm for going.

DS is very immature for his age (young in the year and seems even more so). He is also a highly complex little boy. He is extremely proud and very sensitive. He has a very narrow "field of vision" and doesn't like to do things that he doesn't find "interesting". I think this is the main reason that he has struggled moving into Yr1. He quite simply doesn't like being told what to do, and therefore found the leap from Reception, where it is still very play-based learning, to Yr 1 where you are expected to sit down and actually apply yourself, very taxing. He says things like "I wish I was back at Nursery because then I wouldn't have to do work". When I quiz him about school he very often says that it's boring, or too long, or too much work.

DS is very headstrong but also very quiet. The littlest thing can upset him. He can be going in to school absolutley fine but trip over and then get really really upset and then getting him to go in is a nightmare. He has lots of friends and we have lots of playdates, both at our ours and at his friends. Generally speaking when I pick him up from school he is happy and contented and runs around playing with his friends.

Trying to get him to do any reading or his homework is a nightmare. He just doesn't want to do it and sees it all as a chore, which really upsets me. I want him to enjoy learning. His sister is exactly the opposite and although I know it is very unfair to compare it is hard not to.

I don't think he is being bullied and I don't think that moving schools will solve anything for him. But we really worry about him progressing if this lethargy for school and learning continues.

Sorry, this is an essay....

We went to see the school today. Will post outcome in a bit.

rollergirl1 I think your son sounds very similar to mine and the school situation too!

My son will trip over and then get into a huff which it seems to take an age to sort out and then we are ok again.

He has just sat and read his book to me, very well no problems, but he was itching to finish and finds it boring etc etc.

I feel it is a while new world as my older child does everything, rarely moans and is doing well.

I have spoken to the school in past as we did have an issue with another boy but I feel this is not the cause of he problem now.

Like your son I would describe mine as complex too.

It is difficult because how long do you leave it before you try somewhere else.

I agree with lemonsquares that teachers do onto notice the quiet ones ( they are so stretched so have my understanding).

Is it a maturity thing? Do other parents have this but do not tell anyone? (Takes me back to toddler groups and everyone children sleeping through the night ha ha ha!!)

I feel sad that he does not want to go in and we will get in to a pattern!

We are not worried about his ability to learn but worried about his attitude to school and we don't want it to continue. As someone else says upthread he is in school for 6 hours a day and I don't wish for it to be a chore for him. I honestly don't think it is an issue with the school or any one specific thing. I think my son is just apathetic, for one reason or another, and we need guidance from the school, and they need guidance from us.

We had a meeting with Headmaster and Year teacher today. We very much brought up the fact that we were concerned that DS might be one of the pupils that "slip through the cracks". Quiet and a good boy, not obviously needing special measures (there are a few challenging children in the class) but still needing guidance. It is clear that DS needs to get his head round knuckling down and just getting on with it. But we, as parents, need to have the right tools to assist him with this.

We have come away from our meeting with the school reassured that they will pay extra attention to him, so he won't slip through the cracks. They agree that they don't want a child in Yr1 to struggle through school and not meet his best potential because he is disengaged. Because that is the crux of it. They are putting a plan in place to try their best to ensure that he is engaged and wanting to learn. I couldn't ask for anything else and am totally happy with the school. As I say upthread it isn't the school, it is my DS attitude to learning.

I just want him to be happy.

OP, I would talk to the school. Make an appointment with the HT and go from there. It may be, as in our case, that they don't realise the extent of your DS' unhappiness. Let's not forget that schools, in this day and age, are a service industry and rely on our feedback. If you express your concerns than I am very sure that they they will do their utmost to rectify them. If your DD is happy there and doing well then that is a good indication of the school. I would explore all other avenues before thinking about moving him.

I will keep checking this thread. I hope it works out all okay for both of our little boys....

rollergirl1 it sounds like a useful meeting today for you and the school are taking a role in it which is good.

I am waiting to see how things go over the next few days with my son. He does sound similar to your son as he does not seem to 'enjoy' school.

I am planning on speaking with the teacher, all the staff are aware of his reluctance in the morning!

As he is wobbly about everything at the moment I wonder whether it will improve with time.

Thanks for your posts.