Anyone else find the school run & playground a horribly competitive place?? How to deal with it?

[icravecheese]

I was chatting to a mum last week in the playground that I don't see much as she works 4 days per week. She just upped her hours as her youngest went into yr2. Said she LOVES not doing the school walk & being in the playground every day anymore as she found it a complete nightmare with all the parents discussing reading levels / phonic groups / literacy & maths levels of their darling offspring.

It co-incided with a good mum friend of mine suddenly becoming all competitive with me (no real reason) - our kids are both in same yr2 and reception classes and she is ALWAYS managing to slip something into conversation about her brilliant offspring and what levels they're at (which is always one above mine). I'm fed up of it and beginning to think my working mum friend has a point.

I've tried to steer conversation away from school with competitive mum, but she's SAHM who regularly helps in class and doesn't really seem to have much else to chat about (NO dig at SAHMs intended). She's taken to telling me stuff about my kids that even I don't know, because she helps in their classes.

Its really p-eeing me off....does anyone else find the playground a nightmare in this respect, and how do you deal with it?

yep, 90% of mums at DD's school are like this, I talk to the 2 grandmas that do the school run as according to them they don't understand all these new levels and stuff, so we don't have to talk about them

I leave right at the last minute so gate opens just as we arrive. Also do same at pick up. I then stand at the back and keep myself to myself. Job done.

Do you think OP there's a possibility that you might just be taking t all to heart, some people like to talk about their kids and feel that it's the "common ground", I've seen mums at my school do the same and barely noticed it or been offended when some of my friends get annoyed about it, its usually because they are having their own issues about their child's capability or are a bit paranoid.

People don't generally go out of their way to be mean and I am sure your friend would be mortified if she thought the things she was saying to you were offending you, maybe explain to her that sometimes her going on annoys you a bit whether rationally or irrationally and if she is a friend she will understand and do it less.

I haven't come across this, but I only pick DS up straight from class on day a week. I'm a naturally competitive person, so deliberately stay away from any conversation about reading levels etc. I'm only interested in how DS is progressing according to the teacher, not how he measures against others in his class. Obviously it's early days (P1) and at some point they will be streamed by ability, but I really don't see the point in comparing the children against each other.

I try to stay away from school related social gatherings, although I do contribute as much as I can to fund raising etc. There are a lot of SAHM's at DS's school and they meet at each other's houses regularly. A fair number also went to school together (same school as their children attend!), so it's not really worth the effort to try and infiltrate that!

We're lucky that we don't have the whole Grammar school thing to deal with being in Scotland. I imagine that tensions rise a bit in some areas because of that.

I deal with it in a very easy way.

Two words.

School Bus

weegiemum

"I therefore assume it is a side effect of certain types of school/area?"

I think it is a middle class thing - at our primary there are a lot of not quite rich enough for private parents frantically coaching their children in the hope that they can pass the exams to get into a better secondary

I think it shows how much of a farce the whole thing is that the children who pass the exams and get into these schools are not the "brightest" but the ones with the pushiest parents. I envisage a lot of burnouts when these kids get to uni and dont go home to pushy Mum.

Not everyone in the playground is like this, unfortunately they tend to be the "networking" parents - so the ones who do the rounds and are the most visible. Somewhere on the outskirts of your playground are other parents watching it all through amused skeptical eyes! You can either try to find them or minimise your playground time.

"what sort of mum has that made me, raging about the school run?!!"

You are not raging you are venting...thats fine and acceptable

I am a sahm.
I take my son, drop him and leave.
At pick up time, I pick him up and leave.
No chatting for me!

I love the school run! I've made some lovely friends there too. I shall miss it dreadfully when DD2 follows her sister to secondary next year.

Mm. I tend to be on the other side of this behaviour and I am prudent not to say anything too good about my DCs as I fear I would just partial/look like a mad mum with a PFB.

Also I would be worried that I would somehow "jinx" my DCs in saying there are good at x,y,z and then they would fail miserably or lose their childhood trying to fit the impossible image I am projecting of them.

Hope this makes sense.

Sympathies though.

Timing.
Just drop and run. I say hello and thats all.
I know their childrens reading levels as i go in to listen to them read. But if i didn't do that i would not be interested in it!

I think when it comes to reading volunteer it should be in a class other than your child's. [Helping with school trips a bit different/ maybe special days when your child's class needs helpers]. However, why not suggest to the Head they change the rules re reading volunteers ie not in your child's class.
I would not want to be a volunteer in my child's class but do listen to other year groups read.

Mantra - "the main thing is they're enjoying themselves". Repeat in response to any and all comments about attainment. She'll soon get bored.

It's only a competition if you play along with it. Don't strap your running shoes on and join the race.

If you don't want a particular parent reading with your child because they are then using the information to compare children outside of school then speak to the teacher and tell them why.

Otherewise practise phrases like 'you must be proud', 'well done your DC', 'mmmmmm that's nice, I need to get my toilets unblocked. where are you going for your summer holiday?', 'einstein couldn't read untiil he was 7' and my personal favourite 'goodness is that all, you must be worried' which is sure to ruffle the feathers of the uber-competitive mothers.

I am surprised people are allowed to volunteer in their own child's classroom. I mean ok if it is for say art activities or trips or some sort of 'sharing' activities but I think for reading it should be kept that parents can't work with that year group. This is the rule in our school and it seems very sensible to me.

We are in a very "white-middle-class-pushy" area. I don't think I have ever discussed levels in the playground-dc3 is now year 2, so I think I'd have come across it by now if it were happening.

Or else my dc are all so far ahead no one dares discuss it with me.

Hi all

Just wanted to say that I think ambitious parents aren't particularly limited to 'white' folk.

Our school is a veritable UN with 34 languages spoken and has everything from children of the local prostitute to University Hospital Surgeon's children. So a big mix of kids cultural and socio-economically.

I can hand on heart say that bragging about kids is more likely to come from personal insecurities than necessarily being white or middle class.

I can also say that when the choice of senior school locally is one just placed into special measures who HT has just resigned - being wound up about the 11+ - tutoring (DIY or paying for tutors), pushing your children to do extra work, read more books, etc... - is as much about wanting the best for your child and avoiding sending them to a place where the odds are seriously stacked against them doing well in life as it is about being 'pushy'.

Frankly is it being 'pushy' or is it running hard to avoid a pretty dire option?

I find the 11+ chatter and now post scores the crowing if they've done well and the anger if they haven't all hard to take - but I totally get that it's all coming from a place a fear. It's just parents wanting to give their kids the best possible start and possibly (for all sorts of reasons) taking it much to heart.

Personally I'm thrilled for the shift workers' kid who's done fantastically well on the 11+ - because I know their parents have scrimped and saved and given up so much to pay for tutors, workbooks, on-line programmes, etc..., when they could ill-afford it. I'm also devastated for the SAHM & her insurance broker husband who's DS looks to have just missed out on a place at a grammar - because they're mortified socially that their son hasn't joined the club and they personally don't feel they can afford private school fees. Worse yet they know he's most likely off to the school is special measures (with known drug/ gang/ bullying problems) and are now discussing whether it's best to move - as housing further away would mean a better school for their DS, although a longer commute to work for Dad.

Sincerely, at our school most parents say the thing they're fighting about as couples is 'education' and what to do for best. It is incredibly stressful and the worry can be overwhelming for some families.

So when a Mum is crowing about how little Johnny is Lilac band in reading and only 4 - don't take it as she's intentionally insulting you. Nobody wanders up and does that out of the blue. This is someone confiding in you about how happy they are to hear their son is doing well - and actually sharing their hope it's a good sign long term. They're just bubbling over a bit. Be happy for them - see it as pennies in the bank for when your child does well at something and they can be openly happy for you in return.

One of my nicest mornings at school was a few days after DD1 was moved up to top table in maths in Y5. It had been a long campaign since scoring NC L1 at KS1 SATs - with hours of extra work & games at home to help her learn basic maths calculation skills. A Mum who had endlessly chatted to me about how well her DD was doing strolled over and said a very heartfelt congratulations to me about the news that DD1 was top table in Maths. She was genuinely happy for me and DD1. She was middle class - but definitely not white.

HTH

This doesn't happen at our school - nobody discusses reading levels (small, prep school). However, when dd2 was in reception it did happen because the class was infiltrated with uber competitive parents. I used to just ignore it.

You have to remember that the only reason people ever brag is because they are insecure.

I'm always baffled by this schoolyard angst. I haven't met many of these mothers and if I do I smile, nod and move on. Honestly, dashing in furtively, head down, without stopping to chat means you're missing out on plenty of genuine mums who are great company. I do believe some people seek to be offended.

My ds goes to a very good prep school, until now this sort of competitiveness hasn't happened. Nobody discusses what levels their children are at or anything of the sort. I wonder why? Could it be that because everybody trusts the school they relax a bit more?

I agree, I always think it's a shame when people say (sometimes with pride) that they dash in and out at the last minute and don't talk to anyone. I always feel they're missing out (and also feel slightly offended at the idea that there are people who look at every parent but them as one of those Awful School Gate Parents, automatically and without ever meeting them).

No levels talk at our school either (state primary, very middle class area).

I have talked levels in the playground.

With my PFB, when he got level 1a for his SATs, I was trying to figure out what it meant. It was not so good, apparently

Don't find it like this at all!

People that I know never ever talk about levels etc. The children move from table to table during the day depending upon what they're doing, and I wouldn't ask and have never been asked what table ds1 or dd are on (pointless really, since surely you can just ask your dc).

It's not like that at our school at all, which is in a grammar area. In fact I don't think I've ever had a conversation about reading levels or anything. But we also don't have PFTA cliques, power crazed governors, interfering TAs & nosy parent volunteers so I rarely recognise any of my school run experiences on MN.