Really worried and upset about DD who has started reception in sep

[coldfingersandtoes]

DD is an august baby so had just turned 4 when she stared school in september. She is only doing part time and the teacher is being supportive of this. I'm really worried about her socially and getting on with the other kids. She went to nursery and had a lovely group of friends, who are all still at nursery. My DD was the only one of that group who had to go on to school. DD's best friend is still at nursery, they were very close and played really well together. Since starting school all the other little girls in the class have made friends and are running around playing with each other and calling for eachother and DD just isn't included. I have no idea why not as she is a sociable little girl before this. She spends playtime walking around on her own in the playground. I think she now picks up on the fact that she isn't included and so has started being a bit difficult around them. Saying little comments that the others would find annoying and saying people have pushed etc so this obviously isn't going to help her integrate into the groups of others. i think she is behaving like this as she doesn't know how to communicate her feeling of feeling not wanted by them. Unfortunately this is spilling over into her friendship with her best friend and she has started being difficult with her which is so upsetting. I"ve tried everything to help her, I've invited all these little girls back here one by one to try and get them playing, I've organised outings out with two at a time to try and get a group play going, i've spoken to the teacher numerous times and nothing is really changing. It's heartbreaking to see her get excluded and left out and I am finding it so upsetting for her. I really don't want it to get to a point where is starts to affect her self confidence. Any advice of what we can do??

Hi there. Just wondered how you knew all this was happening at school? Has the teacher said? My DD is a similar age to yours, and tends to say she hasn't played with anyone, and one of the girls was mean to her etc etc. I take it all with a pinch of salt, as I know from the teachers that all is fine.

Another thought - I wonder whether her being part time is not helping? It is maybe singling her out or meaning she is finding it harder to make friends?

What had teacher said? Is teacher understanding? Has teacher suggested one or two girls to focus on, that teacher thinks dd would be particularly suited to?

I think you need to talk to the teacher about the pros and cons of the part time attendance schedule.

It is much, much harder to be accepted into friendship groups when you are not always there when the others are.

I have an older DS at school with her who reports back to me! Also I pick her up at lunchtime and watch her in the playground first and see her wandering around on her own. We've been to a few family meet ups with the other kids and I can see how she is sidelined and then becomes tricky

What has the teacher said about it ?

Oh I see. Bless her.

If I were you, I would book some time to discuss with her teacher what you can do to help her. Being sidelined is kind of like being bullied so the school should take this seriously. But also you need to discuss whether the part time thing is causing an issue.

I hope it all turns out ok. Its horrible when you think of them being sad and on their own. They are so young to be at school.

Aww. I'd try not to take it to heart too much and give it lots and lots of time, though I know it's hard watching them seem to struggle socially. My little girl is an August baby too and definitely a little behind in terms of social skills with peers, I'd say. Not sure if it's her age/development or her personality or just quirkiness. She loves adults and older kids and slightly younger kids but is a bit mystified about how to get on with other 4/5 year olds and doesn't really see what the big attraction is. Also very shy at times and takes ages to warm up and interact properly- feels quite put on the spot if I ask her to say hello in reply to her mates etc. She's definitely not unhappy though. Quite confident in her own little world. I was like this as a child and so was one of my other children (now 14). Both my son and I are now quite confident with very nice friends, I'd say, though we remain choosy about those we really like! My other son is a massive social butterfly who has never had any trouble at all finding mates but he is actually far less socially secure in some ways and seems to have more shallow relationships somehow. It can be swings and roundabouts. There is a book often recommended on mumsnet called The unwritten rules of friendship, which looks quite useful.

I would really think it is more likely to be due to part time attendance than her lacking any social skills or being unpopular.

What does she miss in the afternoons? do they do more choosing time, choose their own groups to play with, more social stuff or anything like that? How much of lunchtime does she miss by coming home? She quite possibly just isn't there for some of the bonding. Is she the only child on half days? the others might wonder why? perhaps they think she will be leaving the school?

I agree you need to speak to the teacher at the start of next term and see what they suggest and I would consider possibly trying full time. I realise she is young in the year but IME the young ones do cope and they soon get used to the longer days. Only you know your child but I would think it is more likely linked to her not being there all day than anything else.

The teacher has been very nice about it but she isn't really offering any advice of what to do. When DD first started she was really upset when I left and they had to prise her off me each morning (horrific) and I had to leave her screaming. I have had to be quite firm in order to get them to let her do part time. There is just no way she would have coped full time. So i worry that if I go to them asking if part time is the problem they are going to not take me seriously after all the fuss i created about her doing part time.
Oblomov - the teacher told me two of the girls who she plays with occasionally and I have made sure to get friendly with the mums and meet up with them but it is definitely they other two girls and then my DD as the extra who they sometimes engage with but not often

Dd2 is in yr1 now, she's old for her year but you pretty much describe her reception year. She had one friend, but dd1 would report back that she spent her playtimes with the teacher. The school did some confidence building sessions with about 6 children from her class in the Easter term, she also had glue ear which badly affected her confidence. Now she's very sociable, far more confident, plays with lots of different children and has more friends. I guess what I'm saying is, this doesn't paint a picture of her school years and the situation will improve. I agree with those that have suggested talking to her teacher. Do they do something fun on a Friday afternoon? Could you gradually increase her school hours to cover that? Or if she's missing a PE session/music session on an afternoon it might help with confidence and groups outside of the standard friendship patterns.

"So i worry that if I go to them asking if part time is the problem they are going to not take me seriously after all the fuss i created about her doing part time."

I think you need to set this worry aside. Your DD's well being needs to come first.

I have seen it happen before where children struggle socially because they are doing part time. It's impossible to know if that's having an effect in your dds case, but it could be.

In my school it seems to happen because children remember who they were playing with the previous afternoon, and then play with them again because the children have more free play in the afternoons.

Of course the whole day is supposed to be completely free flow in reception, but the reality isn't like that. If it was then children wouldn't even begin to learn to read until they got to year 1, and simply wouldn't meet the targets that are expected of them by the end of year 2. So while there is free play in the mornings, there is also a lot more structure as we have carpet time, teach sounds and do music sessions and such like. The children do learn social interaction in the morning, but the afternoon is really when the bonding between children happens most, and it's easy to see why children missing out on that time struggle.

We have found it works better to recommend that parents who want their dc to start part time do four full days and then have Fridays off, so that way they experience all parts of the school day.

Children that did used to go home in the afternoons are older now, and have fully settled with happy friendship groups, but ime that didn't happen until they started going full time.

I would also second the idea that part time if she's the only one may be causing problems.

Do you pick up after the lunch play, or during?

Generalising, girls seem to like friends that are always there, so not being there for part/all of lunch and the afternoon reduces her attractiveness if that makes sense.

When dd1 was at school and they had part time/full time, I noticed that the part timers struggled because not only did they have only one playtime tp socialise, but also they had to do all the work in the morning, so they had less playing and socialising in the morning too.

In my observation, children who weren't ready for full time, often did better socially if they started late-then they became the interesting new person.

I started one of my DC who has a summer birthday in reception part time.
In retrospect I think it was a big mistake because you are making them the odd one out.

As the parent of a child who suffered like this I totally sympathise

The teacher can do a lot more - circle time/teaching social skills with SENCO (eg PALS program) and small group activity which facilitates good relations between children.

I agree re the half days. Lots of playdates and ask to see the SENCO to see if they can help with a small social skills group

I had two girls, one with a mid August birthday and one in May. I found they would have hated being taken out from school. They wanted to go. Why did you think your DD would not have coped? I think the afternoons at school were fun so my children were not wanting to miss out and that's when they did more social learning and rehearsing for the Christmas play,singing and music, PE etc . Most children like to conform, not be singled out as weak or different. Most children can,and do,cope. Most children really like school so it is a shame she cannot integrate fully.

I agree with the others, Looking at my childs class which is now year 1 the children who either started late in the year or did half days in reception are still struggling to bond with peers who have already forged their friendship groups. I think you need to consider full time after christmas.

I could have missed something - but as you don't have to send her to school (she isn't 5 yet) why are you? She could just as easily stay at nursery and then go straight into year 1. There may be lots of reasons to start school - not least of which is getting a place at a popular one. But there are also reasons for keeping a child in nursery. I kept my DS in until he was 5 and then he joined straight into year 1 at his local primary. He was a bit behind the others (he couldn't read or write) but caught up by the end of year 1, made friends really quickly, and although the only one starting at that time, others have come and gone during the year. Staying in nursery meant that I could dictate the hours, he could be the oldest for a while (like yours he is a late summer baby), and it just felt right. Good luck with whatever course you take.

My dd is an August baby and went full time from day 1. Would sending her full time be an option?

At the moment she must be confused, she's left her nursery friends behind but as she is part time, she's not really part of the group.

The staff could be working on helping her develop social skills but I think the biggest barrier to her being and feeling included is that she is part time at the school.

August babies are potentially disadvantaged enough by being so very young when they start school, it has always confused me as to how giving them LESS time in Reception at school is supposed to help!
She may very well find a full day exhausting, but if she develops friendships, that will help alleviate the length of the day and she will get used to the length of the school day soon enough...she really will. Children are often capable of much more than us parents give them credit for.
I would seriously consider sending her full time as soon as possible and also ask for some support day to day, especially in the first few weeks of the new term, with friendship skills.
Hope her enjoyment of school improves soon. It is so sad to watch an unhappy child x

I remember watching my son being alone in the playground. It's heartbreaking but it did pass. I wonder if the part time attendance is not helping. I understand the reasons for it, but maybe it is keeping her on the sidelines a bit. I hope things get better.

My August DD was having similar problems early on in the term and the teacher did a couple of things to help her. One was to buddy her up at lunch time so she had someone to sit with to eat lunch and go out to play with. The other was to do some inclusion/friendship work with the whole class. They may have also made the lunchtime supervisors aware because she did mention joining in some games that were being organised after that. I also did a playdate with one girl who she especially liked. I think she's doing ok now, I have watched her at a couple of parties in December and she seemed fine.

I do agree with others that half days may not be helping things if no-one else is doing half days. When were you thinking she would transition to full days?

When are you going for full days? My son is a August birthday I started him full time straight away. It was suggested to me that kids would exclude him as half the time he's not there anyway and I'd never thought of that. If your daughter gets tired I'd try just putting her to bed earlier. I think they cope better than we give them credit for. Maybe try it and see how she gets on.

Hi, I'm a primary school teacher and have been for 15 years. The best advice is to ensure your child goes full time. As many have said the other children, despite being very young, will view children going part time as different. This is not bad in itself however in a school environment children who are physically around less do get thought of less by the other children - it is just how very young children act in a school setting. Also the other children will have a very small threshold in that if someone is absent a lot they do rapidly lose interest in asking that child to join in or play. This can also happen to children who are absent from school for other reasons such as illness. I have yet to see a reception class child who has not coped with a full day whether they are August born or not. If they even slightly suspect their parents will allow them to leave early and so on that is when they become distressed.
If I had a pound for every time a parent said 'They won't cope with xyz' I'd be truly rich. Children are remarkable at school and genuinely follow your expectation - if they get a whiff that your expectation is that they will be upset and miserable...they will be! I once had a mother tell me that her son would never cope with wearing a swimming cap, it would distress him and he would revolt with violence. He didn't - because I expected him not to. The parent literally could not believe her ears. I'm not being mean, or unsympathetic but I am simply relaying the evidence I have seen over the years - many August babies, many shy children....it does not help them by shielding them.

And an extra note - a good teacher will always have a list of summer born babies (I do) and accommodate those needs accordingly. We know they may need extra attention and help with things - this is in the very bones of a good primary school teacher. I know the birth month of every child in my class, every year. And I think about their individual needs daily. For example if I have an August born boy, I would purposefully keep an eye out for his ability or struggle with carpet time for more than 5-10 minutes stretches. I would ensure books are chosen which link to his ability/interest. If it gets to 2pm and my August born children are flagging - I intervene and suggest a different activity/pace. Teachers are hard wired to look out for these needs and they do care. A lot.