Really worried and upset about DD who has started reception in sep

[coldfingersandtoes]

DD is an august baby so had just turned 4 when she stared school in september. She is only doing part time and the teacher is being supportive of this. I'm really worried about her socially and getting on with the other kids. She went to nursery and had a lovely group of friends, who are all still at nursery. My DD was the only one of that group who had to go on to school. DD's best friend is still at nursery, they were very close and played really well together. Since starting school all the other little girls in the class have made friends and are running around playing with each other and calling for eachother and DD just isn't included. I have no idea why not as she is a sociable little girl before this. She spends playtime walking around on her own in the playground. I think she now picks up on the fact that she isn't included and so has started being a bit difficult around them. Saying little comments that the others would find annoying and saying people have pushed etc so this obviously isn't going to help her integrate into the groups of others. i think she is behaving like this as she doesn't know how to communicate her feeling of feeling not wanted by them. Unfortunately this is spilling over into her friendship with her best friend and she has started being difficult with her which is so upsetting. I"ve tried everything to help her, I've invited all these little girls back here one by one to try and get them playing, I've organised outings out with two at a time to try and get a group play going, i've spoken to the teacher numerous times and nothing is really changing. It's heartbreaking to see her get excluded and left out and I am finding it so upsetting for her. I really don't want it to get to a point where is starts to affect her self confidence. Any advice of what we can do??

Could you pick her up after lunch instead of before? So she won't have any more classroom time than she is now but will be there for the social aspect of lunchtime play.

My son is late Summer born. He started full time. They had "rest time" after lunch where they lay on cushions and had stories read to them and sometimes I think one or two of them actually fell asleep! Have you asked what the afternoon schedule is like? There may actually be rest time built in and like others have said - more free time and more socialisation.

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind even if you did fight for part time at the start. Be humble. You made a mistake, you weren't to know at the time. Your DD's happiness is more important than saving face. (I don't mean that to sound harsh).

I can see what you all mean about the part time making her different to the other children, although she does stay for lunchtime and playtime and then only comes homes when they go back into their classroom so she isn't missing too much of the social side of school.I guess I have to try sending her in more and it just feels very difficult to contemplate putting her in this situation more rather than less when she is already not happy with it. The idea of her walking around the playground on her own and then me telling her she is going to stay full time feels so wrong What do you think about putting her in four full days and then not on friday? and building up to five full days?
Sencho - you sound like an amazing teacher, wish you were at our school!

It might be worth talking to the teacher about what provisions there are for children who don't have someone to play with. Our school has a friendship bench.

Ah sorry OP, I had missed that she was there for lunchtime play. I don't think she will miss out on social things by coming home in the afternoon then so I would also keep her part-time. My daughter went part-time in Y4 and everyone was saying how she'd lose out on the social side but she didn't at all - though of course friends are more set in Y4 than in YR. I really do think this is the teacher/SENCO's job to sort out and I think you need to push for this now.

DD is an end of August born and really struggled to settle into nursery - she had to be prised away from me every day. I completely understand how distressing that is - I was pregnant at the time and I regularly cried on the nursery manager's shoulder

When it came to her starting school, the HT was fantastic - she said we could do full-time, part-time (mornings only) or have the odd ad-hoc day off if DD was too tired. It really gave me faith that the school would do whatever was best for DD.

As it was, she started full-time and never looked back. It may be an idea to speak to the school about trying DD on full-time days - if the school are any good, I can assure you they won't be thinking "I told you so..." they will want to do whatever is best for your DD and ensure that she feels fully integrated in the class.

My end of August born, speech and socially delayed DD started reception full time, despite my massive misgivings. It was tricky for six weeks, she desperately wanted to go back to Nursery class (next door) but she is absolutely thriving now. It's amazing. I didn't think she would make friends either, having basically no interest in other children, but she really has. She even goes to after school club some days. I do baby DD because she's so little compared to the other kids (only august born in her year, the next youngest is a June baby, and she's only 25th centile anyway) but I'm glad DH and the school persuaded me to send her full time.

Sorry to disagree with some people but my DD who was born 2 months premature but had in theory made her milestones started reception part time. It was the best thing - in the words of her teacher in giving her confidence despite various 'minor' physical issues to go full time when she was 5. She never had friendship issues despite being part time and very shy/quiet. Also at nursery many children do different days but this kind of problem isn't allowed to come up. Just because a child isn't there full time, shouldn't be an excuse for them to become socially isolated - the responsibility should not be on the parent to sort this, but on the teacher who sounds like he/she is not sorting this out and supporting this little girl who is finding it hard.

I think you are misunderstanding what the social side of school is. In reception, all the child initiated time contributes to social development and it is often easier for children to build relationships via shared interests rather than through the more unstructured playtime after lunch. At lunchtime play, there are much lower ratios and the adults are not really able to support learning - they are there to supervise. In short, I agree with others that you really need to think about full time as a way of solving this problem.

Has your DD actually expressed that she is sad about the situation at playtimes? I know my DD1 often said she saw her younger sister wandering alone at play times in reception. When I asked DD2 she said she was happy doing this as sometimes she didn't like the games other were playing. It was a bit worrying at the time but now she is in Y2 and happy with lists of friends. Also DD1 used to often tell tales of having no one to play with in reception which was totally false on most occasions. Her teacher said that it was often the case that kids just don't like the games others or playing or if they do not get to be in charge etc. they just walk off.