How do I help my son behave at school?

[Crusoe]

Be gentle please.
We are having terrible school problems (again) DS (6) is constantly in trouble at school, this time its for pushing, defiance, burping and arguing. We have a hard time at the start of every new school year as DS doesn't do change well and always feels the need to challenge the rules. At home he is not too bad and everyday he promises to be good at school but then just isn't.
I don't like punishing at home for something that has happened at school and been dealt with at school but recently feel I have had too.
Ds has missed out on all kinds of treats as consequences for his behaviour but still he repeats the same actions.
I am at the end of my tether, I am so cross and so disappointed as he can be such a lovely boy but school are just not seeing that at the moment.
DS is adopted and definitely has some attachment issues but I am fed up making excuses for his behaviour - he has to behave simple as that.
How do any of you deal with bad behaviour at school?
Can anyone offer any advice or kind words?
Thanks
C x

Bribery.
Treats for good behaviour, it doesn't have to be much, just a teensy something when you get a good day at school.

If he is adopted I'm not sure it is all as simple as that, and he may need other strategies which are different from ones used on most children. It is not really surprising he struggles with change as he's so young so can't have been adopted that long ago. Have you sought support from CAMHS or looked at Adoption UK?

My adopted DD struggles at this time of year every year and the school have strategies in place to help her. As an adoptive parent you will know what triggers your child has and must work with the school

Shepherds
how about 10p an hour? could the TA help keep count? then he could make 50p a day
similar worked with dd

If school are having problems with him, then school need to teach him to behave. You can't. You can only teach him to behave at home.

If school are at the end of their tether they need to get the Ed Psych to see him, they'll recommend strategies school can use.

Can you work with the school to find a common incentive scheme - marbles in a jar for example for each session he sits and behaves.
At home he is not too bad and everyday he promises to be good at school but then just isn't.
It may not be within his control and bear in mind you are one-to -one which is a different scenario to a classroom with its distractions and bustle. Have you considered having him assessed, particularly if he had a tricky start.

Have to say with ds whose behaviour at school was challenging (to say the least) we applied what happened at school stayed at school if it was negative but if positive there was a huge celebration at home. Ds has ASD and school was difficult for him and we wanted home to be his refuge plus we found that with certain teachers that expecting me to discipline at home gave them less impetus to have their own strategies in school.
For ds the opportunity to earn regular rewards was the best and most effective system and the teachers who could accept good enough rather than expecting perfect behaviour were our and his favourites.

Agree that a) school have to "get him to behave". Is he on an IEP? What are school doing to help him to know what to do? Some kids do have to learn how to be at school. You can't teach him that at home!
B) think about getting him assessed if any strategies they put in place aren't working.

Here's an article that just came out about this subject.... Maybe he is just not ready developmentally to sit still. My dd is 10 and is almost completely unable to sit still (and be quiet). She is highly gifted and does extremely well in her classes where her teachers have figured out how to let her wiggle and talk (she doesn't actually need another human being to talk to...one teacher noted that she long conversations with a cardboard cutout of a cow) without disrupting the rest of the class. Luckily, she is so charming and good with all the other kids, that most of her teachers seem happy to accommodate her wiggle needs. My friend's ds had similar issues, and struggled in the conventional classroom until she moved him to a school that was willing to let him wiggle while doing classwork.

By the way, it's possible that your ds' struggle with change is unrelated to his adoption. My dd is not adopted and has a very hard time with change. At your ds' age, she wouldn't go into a room that didn't have an adult that she knew well in it. I think that actually this anxiety goes hand in hand with the wriggling. Dd was/is anxious because her mind never stop working and it's no wonder that her body moves to let some of that emotional energy out. Also, I've found that if she's allowed to move around, she can focus for much longer periods of time than her peers.

My first thought was get some professional help! Get a referral to either CAMHS or a Paediatrician.

I would also recommend not punishing for school misbehaviour, just showing disappointment. Is school rewarding good behaviour? You could re-enforce rewarding good behaviour (even that which happens in school).
Keep a diary of behaviour. Look for tiredness, change, food, drink etc. links.

Do not let school push all the responsibility on to you (some "outstanding" schools are pretty crap really).
I have found How to talk... is one of the best parenting books; or for the more tricky child The explosive Child helps (its in paperback in November but on the Kindle now.

He is lovely! Don't forget that, and you are his advocate.

Agree with others. Do not shoulder all responsibility for your son's behaviour at school. The school (and the la) have a duty to him. It is very difficult to control a 6 year old's behaviour from home. You should all be on the same page re: what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. However, it sounds as though much of his behaviour is impulsive, so a reward at 3.30/ next week may not have much influence on his behaviour at 10 am. (If he was the kind of child who could control his behaviour in the hope of this kind of reward, you probably wouldn't have a problem).

What are school doing to manage the situation?

thanks for your replies.
Hayleyh34 I am interested in the strategies your dd's school have put in place. Every year we go through DS's issues and triggers but I don't believe they do anything extra to try and accommodate or help him. What type of strategies are you referring to?

Cx

I don't want to say too much as I don't want to go into too much personal info.

Generally, we met with the school and the educational psychologist. They asked us how we were managing certain behaviours at home (negative and positive). Her teacher then went away and came up with strategies that they thought could assist her and asked us if we thought they were appropriate.

We did and things generally improved. However, she has just gone up a year which will unsettle her. We're waiting to see how she copes.

Oh and to say, it's not a magic solution. She still struggled at times, it was just managed better

Sorry, to add - I know your frustration. We too tend to get called up at the start of every school year. It would appear that the teachers don't communicate that well

Pah, did well to get ed-psych involved. DC school only arrange that for under-achievers. Maddening. No help for the average+ attainers.

I guess it's because I'm not an adoptive parent that I have so much trouble knowing what are DS's triggers

We had the Ed Psych for my high achieving DD (of course she then resigned within a month or so). The school only called her in to give them advice, but she insisted on seeing my DD and me as well. She was good while she lasted.

But school does seem to communicate. Its just until we got a diagnosis there was a lot of negative labelling.

Does his school offer him ELSA? Emotional Literacy Support Assistant.

"DS is adopted and definitely has some attachment issues but I am fed up making excuses for his behaviour - he has to behave simple as that."

The fact that he is adopted is very, very important indeed. I think that it makes it even more important that you do not carry out school's agenda at home by punishing him. I'm not sure how old he was when he came to you, but home is where loving, secure attachments are made, and punishing him for behaviour he is exhibiting at school could seriously impact on this.

Put simply, the school are failing him. If you do what they say by punishing him at home for behaviour at school, then you could be unintentionally colluding with their failure.

It makes me very angry that support in school for adopted children all but ceases once they are adopted. None of their issues disappear! I am an advisory teacher for Looked After Children, and Part of my job is to work with schools to put in place support systems for children who are struggling with behaviour. Of course, what works will depend in the child, there is no one strategy which will work for all children. Having achievements recognised verbally for example can be counter-productive for some children who have suffered neglect and/or abuse, as they have no idea how to react, and engage in familiar, often destructive behaviour instead.

I would be asking for a meeting with the school's Designated Teacher for LAC (every school just have one), and working with them to design a behaviour plan which lists his triggers, behaviours, and effective strategies for dealing with them. I would also be asking the SENCo to attend the meeting, as he should be on school action at least. I would be ensuring that he had a 'key person' to go to at school; be that the DT, learning mentor or TA (not the class teacher), and that this person received training on attachment issues.

Since your son's early life was problematic (I assume; please correct me if this is not the case), the idea that he 'just has to behave' is erroneous, as he missed out on learning key things as an infant (security, having immediate needs met for example) which would enable him to behave appropriately. It's important that his school understand that he does not need to 'relearn' how to behave, he needs to learn from scratch. Just because he behaved appropriately last term, or at home, does not mean that he 'knows how to behave' IYSWIM. He may have difficulty trusting new situations and/or generalising his skills.

You know much more about your son than the school do- please don't follow their lead when it comes to addressing his behaviour.

Sorry lljkk didn't mean to cause offence. When you adopt you get (depending on circumstances) many reports about your child. From day 1 we were told what triggered certain behaviour with her.

That is all I meant

You may also want to post this on the adoption board as there are loads of people there that have great experience of adoption and issues relating to education

You (and school) may find this book useful.

Adoption UK also do a school booklet which I have sent into school

I don't know much, but I think that you need to make your expectations very very clear, black and white. A 'football' card system might work, so if he:

• Pushes, kicks, pull hair, punches it's a red card and there is a clear consequence (for my boys, they miss their karate lesson if they get one single red card in the week).
• Answer back/burp/be generally disruptive, yellow card, and if three yellows in the week then they also miss karate.

I find that making your expectations clear and discuss it, and find a suitable consequence, works for my boys but they are all different.

That's my method, but I don't have any of the issues you highlight in your post (ie attachment issues). Maybe the school should work with you to develop a strategy that will be carried through year on year.

I know that DS1 takes a while to settle at school (he is 7) and the first couple of months are harder, but he expresses it in a different way. He will be upset, will accuse others of bullying him (which is not always true) and will say that nobody will want to be his friend.