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How do I help my son behave at school?

37 replies

Crusoe · 16/09/2013 17:20

Be gentle please.
We are having terrible school problems (again) DS (6) is constantly in trouble at school, this time its for pushing, defiance, burping and arguing. We have a hard time at the start of every new school year as DS doesn't do change well and always feels the need to challenge the rules. At home he is not too bad and everyday he promises to be good at school but then just isn't.
I don't like punishing at home for something that has happened at school and been dealt with at school but recently feel I have had too.
Ds has missed out on all kinds of treats as consequences for his behaviour but still he repeats the same actions.
I am at the end of my tether, I am so cross and so disappointed as he can be such a lovely boy but school are just not seeing that at the moment.
DS is adopted and definitely has some attachment issues but I am fed up making excuses for his behaviour - he has to behave simple as that.
How do any of you deal with bad behaviour at school?
Can anyone offer any advice or kind words?
Thanks
C x

OP posts:
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Crusoe · 17/09/2013 16:57

Thanks again everyone.
I have written countless letters about ds's past, sent in documents and books and I have even offered to pay for training all to no avail.
I am becoming more and more convinced he is at the wrong school but I don't know how to find the right school or if indeed it exists! Home schooling would suit him but I think would damage my relationship with him.
So frustrated ....

OP posts:
merrymouse · 17/09/2013 17:01

It is really difficult. Just don't be tough on yourself because you can't make everything perfect.

tethersend · 17/09/2013 17:05

If you have done all that and they have not responded, then I would consider changing schools. Your son will have priority for admissions.

All schools are not like this. I work with some amazing schools. Perhaps go and visit some and see what you think...

Agree that home schooling does not sound like the best course of action here.

3rdnparty · 17/09/2013 17:16

If you've done all that contacting then I would start the formal complaints process ...any child should be getting help and especially as a Looked after child he should be supported. Their policy should be on their website if not go in and speak to the head then write to the Head and copy in the governors and go to the Local Authority/Ofsted Sad

tethersend · 17/09/2013 17:23

3rd, unfortunately schools do not have to do the same for adopted children as they do for LAC.

It is of course good practice to go the extra mile for adopted children, but schools are not obliged to do so in the same way that they are for LAC.

mummytime · 17/09/2013 17:56

There are schools which are much better than others.

Ask around. Go and visit.

Tell them about his difficulties, the best schools actually welcome difficult children, and may even have a reputation for turning them around. (They may also admit that occasionally they are not the right place for a child, but then offer support to get that difficult to obtain Special school place.)

Biscuitsneeded · 17/09/2013 22:58

Just to add (I hope not in a flippant way) that my DS is not adopted, but is 6 and has struggled in this way at at school. He's my second DS and I KNOW he is not nearly as mature at 6 as his older brother was - I honestly think he was not ready for school, and I think many, many boys have similar problems. He's got a more enlightened teacher this year (Y2) who seems to be able to 'catch him being good' and rewards that, so he is more incentivised to stay 'good', rather than being labelled as naughty from Day 1. DS likes to make noises, needs to wriggle to concentrate etc, and I think the very 'nice' Ofsted outstanding primary that suited DS1 perfectly actually hasn't done him any favours until now. If it were just him I'd have been tempted to move him to somewhere better equipped to deal with all kinds of children, where he wouldn't stick out so much and have had the naughty label attached so young. If you think the school are not managing your DS effectively, do have a look and see if there is a better alternative - even if on paper it might not get the top results locally, it could be a far better option.

Hayleyh34 · 18/09/2013 08:54

I do understand what the non-adoptive parents are saying but in my opinion the fact that the child is adopted is key. Adoptive children carry so much more around with them than other children and although this may manifest itself in a way that other children behave (tantrums, walking about distracting others) it is fundamentally different and the school need to understand that.

3rdnparty · 18/09/2013 10:24

It is a shame they don't have to provide extra support but it does sound like they are failing your child - I would still complain....or make it clear you are strating the process - whilst starting to look around ...

tethersend · 18/09/2013 13:30

Absolutely agree with Hayley.

Although adopted and looked after children may display behaviour which is seemingly identical to that of a non-adopted or looked after child, the cause can be very different; therefore effective strategies can be very different to those which have proved effective for other children. This is the very least amount of knowledge the school should have.

Usually effective behaviour strategies such as reward charts, praise, removal of privileges and planned ignoring can unwittingly exacerbate the behaviour and in some cases cause more emotional damage. That is not to say that those strategies never work with trauma-experienced children, just that they may not. Sometimes the response to challenging begaviour from a trauma-experienced child may even be a hug; something which seems counter-intuitive to staff who are told not to reinforce negative behaviour.

Having said that, it certainly sounds as if the school have failed your son, and putting in a complaint and finding a new school seem like appropriate ways forward.

Good luck Smile

PastSellByDate · 19/09/2013 14:33

Crusoe:

First off poor old you - I'm sure you're trying your best and clearly want the best for your DS.

Adoption is tricky and although you may know quite a lot about his background, you may not know everything nor totally understand why he has this pattern of behaviour (even if you do recognise that change triggers it).

My advice is openly discuss with the school whether an educational psychologist might help.

If all this poor lad sees is you being grumpy with him, disciplining him on the say so of other people and perhaps feeling worried to tell you things because you will be upset that will harm your relationship. If all he gets from school is punishments - (and possibly labeling him as a trouble maker) - it kind of creates a negative feedback loop. From his perspective he may just see this as 'nobody likes me' or 'nobody sees the good in me'.

I know it may be hard but my advice is to avoid disciplining him for things when you're not around (unless absolutely major - i.e. injuring another child) - but try and discuss it. Quietly, calmly but also in terms of exploring how other people in the situation might be feeling.

The main problem may be that at this young age he really is only focused on his feelings and they may be quite forceful (so immediately getting angry, or if embarrassed showing off, or doing something rude to get attention). The burping does strike me as attention seeking behaviour - and at core what he may be after is attention from these new people in his life and he's made some bad choices about the type of attention he's attracting (which sounds largely negative).

So maybe a quiet chat with him about how he'd like teachers to see him and behave toward him and then getting him to see that his behaviour can help achieve that outcome. I suspect he wants to please them and he wants to do well - he's just not completely clear how to do that and (like most boys) he may be so full of beans that sitting still & behaving for more than 10 minutes is asking quite a lot right now. If excess energy is a factor - seriously consider getting him more involved in sports.

Finally - do try and remember that at this age you may not be getting the whole story or a clear version of his perspective:

My DD2 was constantly getting in trouble at nursery for scratching people. She's got incredibly strong nails and if I don't keep on top of them and cut them frequently they will scratch. Now it turned out she scratched a girl on her face. She was punished at the nursery and the mother went postal - accosting my DH in the car park and screaming your child has ruined my beautiful daughter's face, etc.... before even introducing herself. The nursery had punished my DD2 immediately and DD2 was inconsolable - she was so upset. About 2 years later - I saw her with her cousin making scratches on each others arms at the end of a summer holiday when we were all heading our separate ways. I asked what are you guys doing? 'We're make a scratch so that we always remember each other,' was the reply. On the trip home I asked DD2 if this is what happened at nursery - she said yes, the girl concerned had asked her to do that so she would remember her when she went to big school. I felt awful. Poor mite - we all assumed she'd been the trouble maker and she wasn't. So my one word of warning is don't rush to judge your little boy - hear what he has to say - give him time (because it may be difficult to express himself now) to explain what he's feeling and what is upsetting him/ setting him off or who is encouraging him to behave this way.

With DD2 who is very easily upset and not happily settled at school - we've adopted an Oh well, tomorrow's another day approach and it has really helped. We discuss what happened that day. We agree what to do better next time and what (or sometimes who) to avoid and then we move on. I think it helps her believe that we think she's a good kid and it was just a 'blip'.

HTH

merrymouse · 19/09/2013 17:07

Also remember that even when it seems like things are going really badly and you feel like you're failing completely, you might actually be doing a great job.

DS has non adoption related difficulties that affect his behaviour. 6/7 was tough because he was no longer a 'little' boy who could be picked up and removed from a situation, but hadn't developed his pre frontal cortex enough to think about the consequences of his actions and control his impulses.

The difficulties haven't disappeared, but 4 years later he has matured and naturally has more self control. He can see the 'big picture' in a way that no 6 year old can.

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