6 year old DD being bullied ... help with next steps?

[OohMrDarcy]

Copied from Bullying topic after advice it is busier here... apologies in advance, its long! :

Hi all

DD is 6 (Y1) and quite sensitive. Normally a very confident girl except around bad behaviours. She often struggled in reception with how to handle 'naughty' children. We made a lot of progress with her, teaching her that she didn't have to do what they said, that she didn't have to play with naughty people and that she should tell the teacher when certain things happened.

This year there is a new 'naughty' child in her class.... I use inverted commas as I have no idea if he has any SEN but has been very disruptive in class all year. DD has regularly mentioned him since the start of the year as in X pushed Y today, X got put on the sad face today etc etc (she is a right little gossip - I don't ask for this information)

Over the last few weeks - month, it seems that X has become focussed on DD in his behaviours... every playtime / lunchtime he seems to be actively seeking her out and pushing her over or chasing her, kicking her etc. I mentioned it to the teacher a few weeks ago, then again a week later when it didn't seem to have stopped.

Then DD started to get more upset by it - not sleeping well (waking up having nightmares that he had chased her), being a nightmare in the morning as she didn't want to go to school (she LOVES school) spending her weekends saying she had tummyache or felt sick (only when left to play for a while, it was clearly through worry)

so I spoke to the teacher again, she promised she was working with both DD and the boy to try and sort it, that weekend - more worrrying, more stories, more sadness, so I sent a note in with her yesterday morning (DH was dropping off) explaining things DD had said eg:

X is bullying me isn't he mum? (I hadn't used that word with her at all)
X won't ever stop hurting me
I have to play behind the shed at school or X can find me (heartbreaking)

I left my phone number in the note and asked for a meeting or phone call, saying when I was available.

I didn't hear anything. Talked to DD about it in the evening (I always keep it lighthearted and she outpours the information) It seems she spoke to her teacher herself and said she thought he was bullying her, and it seems teacher agreed. She has been told she can have access to the head or deputy whenever she feels she wants to talk about it. She has a TA checking on her after each playtime, and X is generally told off / sent to the deputy head to talk each time.

so - in my opinion what the school are doing re-actively seems to be right. However, I am not aware of anything they are doing to proactively stop him from chasing / hurting my DD

X apparently spent most of yesterday trying to kick her in the head (!)

DH and I agreed we needed to up the anti and sort this sharpish as DD being really affected by it now. I am expecting a phonecall from her teacher today (I am guessing at lunchtime) so what I am asking is what I can realistically expect the school to do in these days of inclusion policies?

I have a copy of the anti-bullying policy and I can see where I think we are in the process, but what happens next is very fluffy - being an infant school I guess they shouldn't have much cause for using it!

Any help / advice would be appreciated!

Sounds like an institutionalised policy of waiting until something bad happens and then saying oh look, something bad just happened!

I have to disagree learnandsay

maybe I need to expand on a couple of things here

firstly I now understand that X isn't being intentionally nasty, he has emotional issues and essentially lashes out sometimes - obviously this makes no difference to the issue at hand, but it does change how I would want it handled

ALL staff are now on board and watching X like a hawk, if he heads over to them he is going to be intercepted and diverted with something to do or someone to play with

There is a huge amount of support available to DD to help with her fears should they continue once these incidents stop.

My concern now is ensuring they do stop and then supporting DD in gaining her confidence again - I am monitoring closely as is teacher / TA / Deputy head

Maybe I would have needed to have the discussions that you've had to know how spending a whole day trying to kick my daughter in the head could conceivably be described as not being intentionally nasty. But if you've understood that on behalf of your daughter then that's something, I suppose.

I'm afraid that I'm not convinced by the idea of watching the boy like a hawk. It's easy to say but much harder to do. I wouldn't be comfortable with such a child playing freely with my daughter. But moreover I would want him to have his own dedicated staff member at his side at all times. And when she had to take a look break or lunch break she would have to be replaced by someone else at all times. And these staff members would have to be explicitly told that if the boy did anything harmful to any other child at any time they would be dismissed on the spot. And the school, if it wanted to have a child who was a clear danger to other children all the time, on its premises would have to get funding for such an arrangement.

I think that is going a bit far learnandsay. I agree he needs a minder at all times and that is fairly easy for a school to put in place - we have done it at my school - but to say that the minder(s) should be dismissed on the spot if he hurts anyone is really not on. If he takes off across the playground suddenly all the minder can do is run after him but he could push someone over before the minder reached him. If just having a minder by his side is not enough and he is still a problem then the pupil needs to be seen by a ed.psych. and assessed for placement in a special school where staff are trained to work with children with his sort of problems. He is clearly very disturbed but this does not mean that other pupils should be placed at risk. Hope your dd is having a happier time at school now Ooh Mr. Darcy.

Can I just ask why people assume that if a child has behavioural problems they should be in a special school? Surely if they have 1:1 in a mainstream playground that is the same amount of supervision as they would have in a special school if not more in many cases. Children in the special school would then also be at the same level of risk as the OP daughter. Learn and say what are you going on about now? So staff should be dismissed on the spot if the child they are with manages to hurt another child? how is this sensible or workable? Increased supervision in the playground should definitely help. More structured playtime activities for the child who is hurting the Op daughter will also help as this will mean the school are
Road timely trying to prevent situations from arising. Keeping calm and being measured like the OP will also help. The incident with the head injury being automatically assumed to be another bullying incident is a classic example of how getting het up and hysterical leads to misunderstandings and inaccurate impressions of what is actually happening.

learnandsay, you're a freaking idiot.

OP, just to reiterate what others have said - there is a child like this at my DC's school and he has a member of staff allocated 100% to supervise him at all break times.

I think the school's on thin ice. They have a duty of care to your daughter which they are failing to fulfill. I think I'd probably tell them I'm seeking legal advice and see if that makes them pull their finger out.

A brilliantly prepared argument, midnite, and quite nuanced too. Do you know, I think I can see where you're coming from. But then on the other hand maybe the government is to blame after all. It's a tricky one.

learnandsay I am going to have to avoid your comments, I find them unnecessarily confrontational and argumentative

In other news, things seem better. There have been a couple of incidents, but certainly not daily, and whatever school are doing is working as I have seen DD of old a few times. For example today there was another incident, it seems teacher got the kids doing something then took dd out of class to talk to her. X went to the head, DD came out of school happy and chatty for the first time in ages

Am monitoring closely, and looking forward to meeting next week but hopeful that it will continue to progress

oh! What did I miss there?!

That's good news, fingers x it continues

Bit of an update here, so since my last post we have had more incidents - I think actually there has only been 1/2 days incident free since the meeting last week....
yesterday DD came out having had an incident, but not told teacher so I said lets go in and tell her now quickly, as she needs to know

Was a bit shocked to see teacher have a bit of a rant at DD, I can see how it came out - it must be frustrating trying to sort it out if she isn't telling her everytime, but it wasn't appropriate really, so after school today I went to talk to deputy head about it

I went unannounced at the end of the day and just asked for a quick chat. Luckily she was lovely and as soon as she saw it was me said of course, I mentioned we have still had quite a lot of incidents - she asked what sort of things, so I told her what DD has told me- then I mentioned yesterday and the way the teacher spoke to DD. I was very calm and understanding, but made it clear I wasn't happy about what / how was said

she is going to talk to teacher and call me monday

DD had her first school disco tonight, which was spoiled by this boy too - its so sad so I will be telling the deputy what happened then on monday too

I will also be making it clear I feel they are failing in their duty of care to DD, this boy, and the others affected - what they are doing isn't working so a new plan needs to be made

After meeting on monday last week - it was agreed the deputy head would be out in the playground monitoring - no incidents!

DD is more like her old self, although she is occasionally wetting herself so its obviously still there somewhere

she is over the moon with the people in her class next year and a much more positive girl again - fingers crossed it stays that way!

That's good to hear, OP

That's good to hear, OP

Hi all

Not sure what to do here... its kind of a continuation of this issue but possibly deserving a new thread...

Basically I could really use some more advice if anyone has any spare!

So, after my last post things improved. DD seemed to find a way to rub along with X - actually playing together at times, which I was quite proud of her for after it all. She continued to wet herself though a few times a week.
Over the summer holidays it improved, probably down to 1 or maybe 2 times a week - but we were focusing on positives and trying to ignore when it happened (possibly the wrong thing?)
Obviously now she is back at school (started back last week), in year two and in a different class to X as promised.

Tonight DD has said to me that 'X strangled me today' - had a feeling this was an exaggeration so delved a little. Turns out he ran over to play with her - said lets play prisoners, and put his hands around her throat (I guess play fighting?)... she asked him not to as she didn't like it and told him he was hurting her but he didn't stop

Apparently her friend tried to tell a teacher but interrupted her talking to someone else and basically got told to wait - so wandered off

I think DD has told her new teacher, so am planning on going to see her tomorrow about it to make sure she is aware of what has gone on in the past. I have also noticed the wetting has gone up again, poor mite has wet herself most days after school this week! Surely thats not normal at this age?! I think I am going to ask for an appointment with the school nurse about it and also for the support for DD that was mentioned last term as I think she needs it.... is this the right thing? What else can I do?

I have just read this thread and I'm really sorry to hear it's continuing.

I feel very frustrated for you reading this as I think the school need to have a really good look at X's behaviour and work it from there. I have no advice though as my DD isn't at school yet, but bullying is a worry for me and DH as I was bullied and it's shit.

Mind you, I was a lot older and able to handle it better, a 6 yo who is wetting herself is showing sign of stress so for your sake and hers I hope you can get it sorted soon.

My DD some slightly similar issues. What eventually worked really well was teaching DD to say in a loud clear voice (not shouting as it can get lost in play ground) I do not like what you are doing please stop now. This very clear assertive statement seemed to reach the ears of staff in the playground on every occasion. This drew their attention immediately and the incident was dealt with there and then. It made DD much less attractive as a target and it did stop.

I've read through this thread and my own dd1 is yr 1 and I can only imagine how heart breaking this is. I would ask for a mating with teacher and head and want to know what they plan to do (and it had better be good). It is affecting your dds health and well being. Minimum I would want would be the boy not having the same play times (he can go to the library or something - your dd shouldn't have to do anything different) and I would start mentioning that if it continues you want the boy transferred. Good luck.