6 year old DD being bullied ... help with next steps?

[OohMrDarcy]

Copied from Bullying topic after advice it is busier here... apologies in advance, its long! :

Hi all

DD is 6 (Y1) and quite sensitive. Normally a very confident girl except around bad behaviours. She often struggled in reception with how to handle 'naughty' children. We made a lot of progress with her, teaching her that she didn't have to do what they said, that she didn't have to play with naughty people and that she should tell the teacher when certain things happened.

This year there is a new 'naughty' child in her class.... I use inverted commas as I have no idea if he has any SEN but has been very disruptive in class all year. DD has regularly mentioned him since the start of the year as in X pushed Y today, X got put on the sad face today etc etc (she is a right little gossip - I don't ask for this information)

Over the last few weeks - month, it seems that X has become focussed on DD in his behaviours... every playtime / lunchtime he seems to be actively seeking her out and pushing her over or chasing her, kicking her etc. I mentioned it to the teacher a few weeks ago, then again a week later when it didn't seem to have stopped.

Then DD started to get more upset by it - not sleeping well (waking up having nightmares that he had chased her), being a nightmare in the morning as she didn't want to go to school (she LOVES school) spending her weekends saying she had tummyache or felt sick (only when left to play for a while, it was clearly through worry)

so I spoke to the teacher again, she promised she was working with both DD and the boy to try and sort it, that weekend - more worrrying, more stories, more sadness, so I sent a note in with her yesterday morning (DH was dropping off) explaining things DD had said eg:

X is bullying me isn't he mum? (I hadn't used that word with her at all)
X won't ever stop hurting me
I have to play behind the shed at school or X can find me (heartbreaking)

I left my phone number in the note and asked for a meeting or phone call, saying when I was available.

I didn't hear anything. Talked to DD about it in the evening (I always keep it lighthearted and she outpours the information) It seems she spoke to her teacher herself and said she thought he was bullying her, and it seems teacher agreed. She has been told she can have access to the head or deputy whenever she feels she wants to talk about it. She has a TA checking on her after each playtime, and X is generally told off / sent to the deputy head to talk each time.

so - in my opinion what the school are doing re-actively seems to be right. However, I am not aware of anything they are doing to proactively stop him from chasing / hurting my DD

X apparently spent most of yesterday trying to kick her in the head (!)

DH and I agreed we needed to up the anti and sort this sharpish as DD being really affected by it now. I am expecting a phonecall from her teacher today (I am guessing at lunchtime) so what I am asking is what I can realistically expect the school to do in these days of inclusion policies?

I have a copy of the anti-bullying policy and I can see where I think we are in the process, but what happens next is very fluffy - being an infant school I guess they shouldn't have much cause for using it!

Any help / advice would be appreciated!

The teacher has not been proactive in dealing with this. You need to up the anti & speak to the head teacher, asap. Not via the phone either, get up there.

shouting loudly does not mean that you will get the right result Who said anything about shouting!

FWIW OP I think the school are doing the right things. what? Telling the victim to change her behaviours? Telling her not to play another girl because the bully gets jealous?

He spent the day trying to kick her in the head, and she has to change the way she plays?

We have to stop arming girls with excuses for violent behaviour. Next the school will be telling her that he does it because he likes her (and we all know how dangerous that is, don't we).

I would be fuming tbh...

I would also question whether the other child's parents have been informed as they may not know.

You need to emphasise that they have a duty of care to keep your child safe and they are failing to do this and yes, I would be going to the HT now not the class teacher.

differentnameforthis - I agree, the teachers re-active responses have been (mostly) great, but it is the proactive I need - I need DD to not be hurt again and that is what I am pushing for now. The shouting comment was to learnandsay I believe who was advising along those lines if I remember correctly, and mostly the school are doing the right things, those behavioural changes haven't been mentioned to DD - I prevented it, everything else I have been ok with, re-actively. I am not giving DD any excuses for violent behaviour, I am not teaching her to be abused when she is older -which I think is what you are hinting at there?

please be assured I have made it clear to DD that no matter how this boy feels there is no excuse for his behaviour, she should not change who she plays with, where she plays etc to stop him from these behaviours, and I have assured her I will be sorting it.

simpson - I am fuming, I am getting close to losing my cool but I feel I should at least give the school leadership a chance to resolve it before I go mad.

I have emailed the deputy head tonight agreeing that we need to come in and asking her to call me asap in the morning to arrange an appointment. If I haven't had a call by mid morning I will be ringing myself

There seems to be a lot of talking and ringing going on. I'd be past the stage of talking and ringing long ago.

OP, I think you are handling it the right way re what you are saying to your DD.

I hope the meeting is positive tomorrow

morning all,

another rubbish nights sleep for me, but I have a list of questions for the school today - how does this sound?

• Have X's parents been notified?

• What will be done to protect DD from harm ?

• How will this be reviewed?

• How will DD be supported through this?

• How is DDs consistent good behaviour being reinforced? (she hasn't received any sticker chart certificates this year, what else is happening? I don't want her to think being good isn't worth it right now!)

• How is X being monitored at playtimes ?

• When is it ok for DD to fight back? What will happen if she does?

• Is there an incident book with records of all this?

• How can we restore DDs trust that she is safe at school?

• I don't want it assumed that it will go away in september, plan a review for then?

What do we think? Is that list pretty comprehensive? I don't want to come out of the meeting with more questions than I went in

Hello OhMrDarcy:

I'm ever so sorry to hear about yet another incident - and rock throwing isn't on.

I think if I were in your shoes I wouldn't just want to understand that X's parents have been notified - I'd want to understand precisely what the school proposes to do in terms of dealing with such incidents with this boy or any other child - when they aren't just one-offs.

First I think you need to establish which member of staff is specifically in charge of discipline and what the notional procedure for bullying is.

In the context that school staff may be struggling to cope with this highly unusual and aggressive behaviour (possibly something they've never encountered before) - I would have a number of questions regarding the school's monitoring of this boy:

Is he seeing an educational psychologist - as cognitive behaviour therapy may help him deal with his aggressive tendencies?

Are privileges restricted if he behaves badly?

Is he being put on notice to improve behaviour and is that being monitored by someone in Senior Management?

Does the school have a 'chill out' room for angry, aggressive and/or upset pupils to go and cool down?

Does the school have student playground monitors/ buddies who help deal with disputes/ report incidents to staff?

Does the school have some system whereby a frightened pupil can leave the playground and go to a monitored quiet area?

I would accept that this behaviour may be the acting act of fairly disturbing things he's witnessed/ witnessing at home - and that this may well be an extremely troubled little boy. Nonetheless they have a duty of care to your child as well and you need to understand how they will be protecting her (and you have raised some very good questions in that regard in your post above).

HTH

If I ask those questions about X I am not sure they have to answer them do they ?! I thought they couldn't discuss what they are doing with him ?

You have given me other things to think about there though and will add some of those questions definitely

OoohMrDarcy - are there any 'nice' boys that could be your DD's ally in all of this? DS took that role on himself when a new boy with no English joined in reception - part way through the year. DS would come home and say 'z was sitting next to one of the girls at carpet time so I sat in between them so that he would hit me not the girl'. I know DS shouldn't have had to do that - but he was perfectly capable of taking the knocks without any trouble and just shrugging them off - and he's always been prepared to stand in between trouble and his friends when necessary.

(He can, at times, be a little knight in shining armor... although its normally not very shiny and usually has a fair few dents in it when he's remembered to put it on... and there are probably frogs in the helmet)

oh mistlethrush -- how sweet is your little boy!

DD has a couple of lovely male friends who, if they were still in her class would be protecting her to the end - but they aren't in her class this year and she is gravitating more towards the girls in her current class,

no way could I ask someone else to put themselves in the way of danger over this

I would also be asking whether they are going to be in the same class next year.

I've already been told they aren't thankfully!

As its at playtime, is there any chance your DD might join in with their games some of the time at least? You might need to do some preparatory work with the parents and have a play date or two with them - but if they're playing games that she would like and would be happy for her to join in, it might be a way of getting her in with a bunch that will help to look out for her too. DS has always been happy to have girls in 'his gang' if they're up for playing the right games - even if it means being a puppy some of the time

right, I have a meeting with the deputy head at 2.45 today

wish me luck guys

Good luck

Good luck.

I think the main thing to make absolutely clear is that they are failing in their duty of care to your dd by allowing her to be hurt over and over. The boy needs to be removed from her.

I think the "simple" answer is that this boy needs constant supervision. This is hard to arrange but has been done at my DCs school, it involved: TAs, teachers and very experienced secretaries have all been roped to supervise.

The school are actually failing to "safeguard" both your DD and this boy. Which is a major failing.

Hi OhMrDarcy:

I agree - the school may refuse to answer direct questions regarding the boy, but they should be able to answer in general terms.

I think that is the angle to take and my apologies that was not clearer. What you need to understand is that there is a procedure and that it is in play in this case (and any others).

Good luck and wishing you and your DD all the best.

OP - how did you get on?

Bit mixed tbh

firstly it seems X didn't throw anything at her! She bashed her head as he was heading for them, she told the teacher at the time she thought he was going to throw it and must have built it up in her mind
On the good side, a teacher was watching X closely and was en route to head him off with a distraction

They listened to my concerns really well, and I asked most of my questions. X being monitored very closely by all staff now. DD being given extra support to talk about it

Teacher is doing a few whole class circle times around friendships and how to deal with conflict, with the aim of helping X with his feelings, and DD (and others) with how to cope

DD isn't being singled out, which whilst nice to know, doesn't change much for me.

They couldn't confirm specific s of course but basically confirmed parental involvement

We have another meeting in 2 weeks to see how things are, I emphasised that DD needs to feel safe

teacher is going to help her make a special card tomorrow to be used if she wants to talk or feels scared to say something in front of X

oh and the humidity combined with my low blood pressure made me go dizzy half way through!

and then DD came out having been pushed over by him again so had muddy knees

Can you find out the other victims and you and the other parents go on strike, keeping kids off, until he is properly removed...?

forgot to say last night, that though DD was pushed over in morning break it seems X was busy playing football at lunch and afternoon break so she was able to relax and enjoy herself (he NEVER plays football normally so clearly a sucesful diversion for the rest of the day)

Hi OhMrDarcy:

As an outsider, I think this sounds a reasonably positive meeting and the news that two out of three play times were not troublesome yesterday seems a good beginning.

My feeling is keep the pressure on - be understanding - but make it clear that this is a huge issue for you and needs resolving for your child's safety.

It's an awful situation, but unfortunately it does happen. What is important here is to find a way through it for your DD so that ultimately she gains strength from having dealt with a difficult situation and come through it. She will need your support and the school's support to get through this, but from what you've said about the meeting it does sound now like the school is more than aware of it.

Finally, if you haven't received any written (or e-mail) communication reiterating what was said at the meeting, I would advise you to send an e-mail to the head, reconfirming your understanding on what was discussed, what the school is doing to deal with the situation and when you'll be meeting next to discuss progress on this. This forms a record that the meeting took place and means the school cannot deny at any future date that they were alerted to the problems your child (and possibly others) are having with X.

HTH

I wouldn't even begin to be satisfied with that.