Little boy faces severe bullying at primary and his family now also being targeted

[THERhubarb]

I've started this thread for a close friend of mine who is close to breaking point. I hope that she'll register and leave a few comments of her own in time.

Her 10 year old son has faced bullying ever since he started primary school. He's a lovely, caring and bright lad but a bit different from the rest. Whilst they are all into football and Power Rangers he was into Doctor Who and has amassed a huge collection of related items. Unfortunately other kids saw his differences as vulnerabilities and he began to be bullied. They would call him names, punch and beat him, etc and last year one boy tried to strangle him.

His mother spoke to the teachers, she spoke to the Head, she did everything she could to bring the bullying to their attention. The school dismissed her concerns and the most severe punishment they doled out on the bullies was a 10 minute detention.

Her son began to suffer constant nightmares and would be pleading with her not to send him. His confidence plummeted and his work suffered. Of the few friends he did have, most of them left the school because of similar issues with bullying. My friend tried to get her son into a different school but all of them were full.

As a last resort she has pulled him out of school and is teaching him at home. He has a little sister who still attends the same school and now she has become a target of the bullies.

My friend has health problems and her husband has had major heart surgery and is not in the best of health of himself. All of this has taken a huge toll on the family when they really needed to be looking after themselves. I advised her to take all of this to the press and name and shame the school involved. She did so and the article is here along with many nasty comments.

Her daughter could not pick up her First Holy Communion certificate from the school last week because the bullies parents had formed a 'hate mob' to intimidate them.

She is desperate for support. I know there will be Mumsnetters in the area so please, do give advice and if you are nearby please PM me and I'll put you in touch. She is a lovely person who would do anything for anyone, as is her dh. I've known her for years and years and this family certainly don't deserve any of this.

In my experience, if a school doesn't come down hard on bullying the moment it's reported to them them you can complain until the cows come home. Nothing will be done.

She could have saved her son so much upset had she been more decisive from the beginning and recognised that the school, governors, priest etc were not going to act no matter what she said or did.

Rather than leave her son to be tormented for years in the hope that someone would do something, she should have done something herself and removed the poor child.

I'm not saying that's right - but sadly that's the way it goes.

Also, how old is her daughter?

The article says "We were going to pull her out of Sacred Heart but she decided to stay"

Is her daughter really the one who should be making that decision?

I think if her son had been treated so appallingly then she made a big mistake sending her daughter to the same fate.

I'm sure your friend has thought of this therhubarb but knowing the area, she will have to strongly consider which secondary school to send her son to as it is likely that a lot of the children will be going to the catholic one in the next town along and I'm not sure what other options there would be for catholic secondary education.

@THERhubarb

She is now receiving more abuse online.

Hi there
Do let us know if you or she would like us to remove this thread - as you know we dont do this lightly but this is one of those occasions where we would be happy to do so.
Hope your friend and her DS can get some relief from this soon.

Well I'm nowhere near, and know nothing of church schools, but I've had fun going through the comments and thumbs-downing the victim-blamers and outright cunts.

Is it one child that is the bully or a group of children?

What are the events that are called bullying?

What punishment does the mum want?

Is any other child being bullied by the child/group?

What are the reasons for the other children leaving the class?

Has she got a copy of the antibullying policy form the school?

I also think its school gate poliatics that help. Its the parents that need to protest about the bullying and to lobby the school to change.

How sad that some people are not anti bullying and want a zero tolerance policy to bullying in all schools and for that policy to be implemented. A family have been devastated and should be shown unconditional support for their cause.

Olivia, no please don't. The abuse is not from Mumsnet, it's from the parents of the bullies.

Queenofcats - the daughter is actually the daughter of another mother who was interviewed by the paper, go back and read it again.

Also, I'm sure you know this but if you don't send your child to school you are liable for a fine from the LEA. How on earth are you supposed to know, when you go to meetings with the school, governors, etc that they will nothing and will actually "misplace" all the notes taken from all those meetings? When do you actually decide to call it a day? Knowing that all other schools are full?

It's so easy for you, on the other side of your computer screen, to blame the mother and say she should have acted earlier. I repeat, she did everything she could. If she had pulled her son out sooner no doubt she'd be criticised for not giving the school a chance, for not following the proper procedures, for not going to the governors, etc.

LadyMai yes she has the bullying policy from the school. Yes she has all her own notes from every single meeting she attended. The bullies are several children. I believe I have listed most of the incidents above which include calling him a retard, a failure, a spastic, etc; hitting and punching him; pushing; trying to strangle him, etc. Yes other children are/were being bullied. 5 children left in his Year 5 because of bullying.

What does she want? For all the schools in the area to take on a zero tolerance approach to anti-bullying. She got hundreds of signatures in a petition that she did on the streets of Hastings. Many parents feel that bullying is not taken seriously in the primary schools. That highlights a bigger problem with these over subscribed schools. My thoughts are that for every child that leaves, another is waiting to take their place so the school does very little to tackle the causes.

Taking her son out of this school and placing him in another which may be just as bad is hardly the point is it? This is why she is doing what she is, to ensure that every child in school is safe from bullies and that schools actually implement their anti-bullying policies.

I don't know what will happen at secondary school.

THERhubarb - those people who are criticising your friend are trolls. What a ridiculous way to behave. They are bullies too. As for the school - how can it be outstanding if children are being bullied in this way proving that their management of behaviour issues is appalling. So much for the integrity of Ofsted. As for the parish priest, words fail me. I think I would be reporting him to the Bishop. I hope this family will be able to recover and go forward to better things. Maybe, in the end, they will have to move. Hastings sounds a vile place to live going by what I have read on this thread.

I wish I was near to help too :(

I would most certainly start involving the police. Take screen shots of every bit of online abuse. keep a diary of anything that happens at school. (normally I would say get a phone and film it, but I don't want to provoke more attacks - unless your friend's ds can do it discreetly)

I think she needs to start an action group/lobby group and stage protests at the lea and MPs and the schools. Get all the parents together for a meeting and demand better quality from the schools and more schools to be built/opened.

Many parents are frightened by the bullies themselves, you only have to read some of those comments to see how aggressive they are. One mother contributed to the article but wanted to remain anonymous. Others support her but they too want to remain nameless for fear of reprisals, especially since many of them still have children at the school.

You can see that the bullying is obviously an issue otherwise why all the vitrolic comments? Calling her story a pack of lies? Laying into the newspaper? It's all disgusting.

My friend can't move. She runs a business in the local area and her mother lives there.

She is keeping good records, she used to work in law so she knows the importance of keeping evidence thank goodness.

Its been interesting reading this topic. Lets just hope the family get a good nights sleep and every other mum on here too. Sweet dreams.

Sometimes you have to surrender.
Peace is more important than principles.
At this stage, getting him into a nice school rather than religious.
Do the RE bit at home.

It isn't right, but that's the way it is.
Accepting this could be the start to moving on.

Ask your friend what she thinks Gods will is around this?
To search that before the next step.

Thanks friendship!
Lovely sentiment.

Amen to that friendship.

Maybe the child was so strong he didnt want to leave the other kids that were being bullied. Maybe he was the last one standing as the others left all within months of each other. Maybe the mum wanted him out earlier but maybe he was scared he would be worse off. Maybe the mum feels guilty even though she exhausted all avenues. Always hope. Two heads and a temp head too all promising change!

QueenofCats - with all due respect, not every situation is the same. As friendship says, this little boy WAS afraid of what would happen if he left. He had friends in that school right up until this year when the last of his friends finally left because of the bullying. He is a very strong boy and both him and his mother didn't want to let the bullies win. They liked the school, they liked the teachers, they liked being part of a community and they didn't want to let bullies ruin that.

As you say, sooner or later you have to give in and do what is best for your child, but that decision was not an easy one to make. My friend works, she owns a business in the area, her dh is seriously ill and home schooling would not have been possible if it were not for her mother who stepped in to help.

As a mother you do all you can for your child. You fight their corner, you stand up for their rights and my friend did all of this. She confronted the parents of the bullies, she refused to be silenced, she took notes from the meetings with the school, she got the priest involved, she went to see the Councillor, she did all she could to ensure that her child had the same rights as every other child. That of an education without fear. The bullies had those rights so why shouldn't her child? But there came a time when enough was enough and she realised that she was left with no option but to take him out of school.

She had already approached the LEA and other schools in the area, she was waiting to get a place so that he could be transferred but in the end she had to pull him out.

Please do not question my friend's competence as a loving and caring mother. My mother did nothing when I was being bullied, apparently it was all my fault. My friend is not like that. She took them on. For that her family are paying a heavy price. She is not just standing up for the rights of her child but the rights of every child in every school. This is an important issue that needs highlighting. As you say QueenofCats, the bullies get more rights than the bullied, I know that as I've worked in schools too and I've seen it happen. Something has to change and by doing this my friend has provoked this very discussion. She has brought it out into the open.

Many schools think that just having an anti-bullying policy is enough. It's not. It's high time this was made a number one issue. My feeling is that due to cuts and reduction of staffing levels, bullying has fallen down the scale of priorities and there are many more children like her ds who don't have such committed mothers, who cry themselves to sleep every night, who pray for the relentless bullying to stop. Should we forget about them?

I think what she is doing is incredibly brave and wonderful and I support her every step of the way. She isn't just taking on the bullies she is taking on the schools and the LEAs. So be thankful for people like her because it means that fewer children will suffer. Instead of criticising, show your support.

We will have to agree to disagree