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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Is that asking too much from dd's teacher?

36 replies

OhChristmasOh · 21/12/2012 08:34

Trying to keep it short.
dd was being out of school a few weeks ago as she was ill. During the days where she wasn't at school, the class did some art work.
When she came back to school, she went back home with some stuff to do some art work, amongst others stuff, but no explanation from the teacher as to what to do or what is was for.

Move on a few weeks and the teacher ask for art work back as she needs it to make the christmas present from the children. We didn't have it any more as no one thought it was important.
So I propose to do something similar at home with dd to 'make up for it'. I agree with the teacher that she would bring it to school on the monday. dd happily did the art work and spend a few hours on it. She brought it to school on Monday.

Then yesterday, all the children were coming out with their 'present' for the parents. But not dd...
Being very shy, she hadn't given it to the teacher, the teacher hadn't asked for it so dd didn't have anything in her hands, unlike all the other children.
She is in Y3 but one of the youngest of her year (August baby) and actually relatively immature. She was very upset not to have anything to bring home (she was planning to give it to her grandparents 'as we had seeing it already').

I feel like dd has been penalized because she was off school ill and that the teacher communicated badly with us re the importance of said art work.

Was it really too much to ask the teacher to check with dd if she had the art work we agreed she would do at home?

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learnandsay · 21/12/2012 08:39

Sorry, I really don't mean to be harsh, but I don't think this is important enough to get upset about. To me it just looks like a mixup. I'd be inclined to let it go at that.

sweetpea31 · 21/12/2012 08:42

Maybe the teacher did ask. The amount of times children say they have not got things when they do is untrue!

HardKnottPass · 21/12/2012 08:45

Really?!

This is so not worth getting upset over.

pinkdelight · 21/12/2012 09:07

Yep, sorry, I think it's asking too much for the teacher to keep your DD's situation in mind with so much to sort out at the end of term. Fair enough if your DD had handed it in and then the teacher had mislaid/forgotten it. But there's no trigger here for the teacher, with many things on her mind, to remember your DD's situation in particular. If she's that shy, you should have taken charge and made a point of handing it in when you dropped her off. It's sad that she's missed out, but she's certainly not been penalised.

Catsdontcare · 21/12/2012 09:10

Yeah sorry think you are being unreasonable. Also if she did it at home why did she need to take it to school to bring it home again

Catsdontcare · 21/12/2012 09:12

Also ds is very confident but if there is something I feel the teacher needs to be clear on I wouldn't send the message with ds!

Original poster

OhChristmasOh · 21/12/2012 09:13

Well I didn't say I was upset, I said dd was upset...

And I am probably getting annoyed because this is not the first time it happened.
Because the teacher did not ask.
Because the whole reason why we did the art work at home was to ensure that dd wasn't single out on something that has been important to all the children ie preparing to run up of christmas.

If she hadn't been upset, I would probably have though 'a shame really' but wouldn't have thought more about it.
If the teacher hadn't come to see me to talk about it, I would have assumed there had been an mix up. But we agreed it would be done.

Not good to help
1- a shy child to come out and say something
2- raise the self esteem of said child (when this is an issue that had been by said teacher...)

OP posts:

Original poster

OhChristmasOh · 21/12/2012 09:16

I also don't agree dd hadn't been penalized. If she hadn't she wouldn't have got upset about it...

OP posts:

Original poster

OhChristmasOh · 21/12/2012 09:17

On btw, this isn't AIBU....

OP posts:

LIZS · 21/12/2012 09:19

Do something siialr with her to give as a gift. What happened to whatever you sent in that teacher never got. I don't think you can expect her to remember to cajole an individual child for "homework" at this time of year.

funnypeculiar · 21/12/2012 09:23

I can understand your frustration (I have a similarly shy, Y4 ds), but agree that in this instance, it's just bad luck. As far as the teacher was concerned, the art work probably isn't a huge deal - she will have bigger fish to fry! Yup,it would have been great if she was clearer, but if it was supposed to be a surprise present, maybe she didn't want to? And your dd knew what she had to do, and didn't do it - there is a point at which we need to let kids take responsibility for that sort of thing (hard and frustrating as it is) Did you not spot that the art work was still in your dd's bag?

With my ds - who would also not give things in/ask questions for fear of looking stupid - we would role play 'difficult' situations - talk about when and where things were going to happen, what might stop him doing x, what he could do to sort it out. Ime, even daft little things for shy kids, can feel like a big deal, and it's easy to find an excuse to do it later (& then forget) We also did a sort of NLP session with ds, which also really helped him. Worth helping your daughter deal with these situations, as the higher she goes up the school, the more important those skills can be....

Original poster

OhChristmasOh · 21/12/2012 09:31

Yep I agree about the need for her to learn these skills.
The problems is that that sort of situation sets her back even more because it's knocking her confidence out completely.

So on the top of having to manage her shyness (and most adults who are really shy will know it is VERY hard), she also has to deal with her confidence being shattered again.

Teacher seems to think 'it will teach her a lesson'. So far, the only lesson she has learnt is that if she is ill, no one will help her to catch up when she comes back to school.

And yes to the teacher being overwhelmed. Having a 'party' in class seemed to have been too much for her too....

OP posts:

rrbrigi · 21/12/2012 10:41

Hi,

I do agree with you, does not matter which time of the year the teacher needs to help every children and if your child needs more help than she or he needs to give it.

But I also agree with those who say you should mention it to the teacher when you dropped off your child.

I think both of you (the teacher and you) are equally guilty. She forgot to ask your child and you forgot to do that extra mile for your child and forgot to mention it to the teacher without the teacher asking you. Even if you did not want your child to see that you mention it to the teacher, you could phone the teacher, speak with her after you child went to the classroom or drop an e-mail.
Sometimes I tell my son that do not forget to tell the teacher..., but I always make sure that I tell the teacher as well, when my son is not there. If you tell the teacher there is no excuse (like she is saying your son did not tell me).

But anyway next time I think it is better if you speak to the TA, they do not get as many massages as the teacher and can remember easily.

In the mean time you can explain it to your daughter that it was a misunderstanding between you and the teacher and things like this sometimes happens. She does not do any bad things, and make sure she understand that the teacher likes her and she was not penalized for anything, because she does not do anything wrong. And offer your help to make the present at home together.

My son is only in Reception, but one thing I have learnt already. If I have a good relationship with his teacher, my son will like his teacher better (because mummy likes the teacher) and he will learn from her better. Sometimes it means I need to get over things that I usually wouldn?t. But it worth for me because they relationship is good, my son learns better, and my job is to support this.

piprabbit · 21/12/2012 10:49

It's a shame, but not worth getting upset about.

In Y3, the focus really shifts on to the children being much more personally responsible for themselves and their work. I think you need to find some gentle ways of encouraging your DD to get over her shyness with her teacher (if nobody else) as she needs to be able to sort things out with her teacher herself, without you getting involved.

pinkdelight · 21/12/2012 11:10

The role-playing and NLP possibilities sound like good advice worth exploring - have you tried that kind of thing, OP? If your DD's confidence really is "shattered" by something like this, then it seems like you'll have to do more than just hope that teachers/you don't make mistakes that may adversely affect her. There will be much worse knocks than this to come and she'll need techniques to deal with them.

SmallSchoolPrimaryTeacher · 21/12/2012 12:45

That must have been very frustrating for you.
No, it is not too much to ask to expect teachers to request 'homework' (of whatever kind) to be handed in, but it is worth bearing in mind that it is very difficult to keep track of everything, particularly if it gets 'out of sequence'. Although to you it has been a major issue, to the teacher it is one among many and whilst to you it was important, to some parents this may not have been. We try to guess which issues match which parent and are important and sometimes get it wrong. She may have asked for the work and been met with a blank look or silence. Your daughter may have gone to get it from her drawer and forgotten it was in her book bag. To put it in context, in the last few months I have had complaints about: not forcing a child to make up and read prayers in the carol service (as shy children would feel left out), asking children to volunteer to sing solos for some carols (which apparently discriminates against those who do not push themselves forward), making a whole class sing a certain carol (as some children don't like singing), insisting that homework be completed (as the family were too busy and I can't expect children to always do their work), not keeping a child in at playtime to complete homework (as that family want the child to learn that work needs to be done), not phoning home the night before homework was due in (as I knew the child was disorganised so couldn't expect the written homework diary to suffice).
We do not always know your family values and expectations, and we sometimes get it wrong.
As you have said that there is a pattern and this sort of thing has happened more than once, the lesson to be learned is that if it is important to you, with this teacher you need to be pro-active and check up on what matters to you.
As rrbrigi said, try to model the positive values of co-operation and understanding so your child picks up on how we get on with people.

cansu · 21/12/2012 16:11

so your dd did some art work and you lost it because you weren't sure what it was for or did not know it was important. Teacher agreed you could do some more at home so your dd could join in making gift, your dd didn't hand it in and this is the teacher's fault?? Frankly you sound a bit bonkers. The teacher was probably very busy at end of term and you should probably blame yourself for throwing away or losing original work or even more normal regard it as a misunderstanding and a very small, almost minute non problem.

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 16:16

Yes I think teacher should have asked and sorted dd out. Did she not notice there was one child with nothing in her hands? Poor dd. These things matter enormously at this age. I'm not surprised other adults think it's not worth getting upset over, but I would have thought a primary school teacher would have a grasp of how important it is to the children!

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 16:18

It always bemuses me that the responses on MN to a teacher not doing something are "don't you think the teacher has more important things to do" and "teacher was probably busy"

This IS what the teacher should be "busy" with. That's her job fgs

tiggytape · 21/12/2012 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrz · 21/12/2012 17:33

Or perhaps Greensleeves the teacher was so busy doing her job she unfortunately forgot to chase up something (for the second time) that should have been completed weeks/days ago.

Greensleeves · 21/12/2012 17:37

If the teacher said the child could to the work at home for a second time and bring it in, then she should have asked the hcild for the work and made sure she wasn't the only child not taking a gift home. That is a part of her job. An important part. I would be mortified if I had let this happen to a primary school child.

mrz · 21/12/2012 17:44

So you have never ever forgotten something when you are very busy?

LynetteScavo · 21/12/2012 17:59

So the teacher didn't at any point ask for the finished art work?

The teacher was that busy?

I would be upset with the teacher, and sad because of DD's inability to get the art work out to use. The combination would make me , and I'd probably aim that at the teacher through a post on MN.

mrz · 21/12/2012 18:01

In the last two weeks I've been that busy I've forgotten to pee or eat never mind chase up art work

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