Have I made a mistake moving DS school

[Hedwig06]

I have just moved DS 5 from a "notice to improve school" to on paper "a better" school.

But he's very unhappy, misses his friends. He has started to wake every night saying he's had bad dreams.

I wanted to move him him as he's classes as bright he's in year 1 but working at year 2 level & I didn't think the school he was at was doing enough for him.

But now I'm a bit confused. I also used to walk to his school whereas now I have to drive 15 minutes to his new school so it means longer days.

I really am questioning if I've done the right thing as happiness is the most important things I suppose.

There are places at his old school so I could move him back but don't really know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice please?

I have a DD in P1. She has gone to the school closest to us. It's a good enough school. She walks to school and has lots of friends who she can see after school. She is thriving. I wouldn't move her to a "better" school.

My local school was given notice to improve about 8 months ago. Since then it has done just that - improve. I see it as a positive and has meant the school has had lots of help from the lea. My ds will start there in sept, but I do know a lot of local friends who are getting all stressy about trying to get their dcs into other schools further away, which they are not in catchment for. I want to be able to walk to school and be part of the local community so I don't want to do that. I hope it is the right decision for us. Having said all that, give your ds time to settle in new school. It prob takes time to make new friends and get comfortable. Youve made the decision now so try to make it work.

Even if you knew they weren't doing the best educationally for her?

Just asking as obviously I'm questioning if I've done the right thing?

I think that the phrase that sticks out from your OP is "on paper".

There are 2 issues here:

a) whether or not the new school is in fact significantly "better" for your son (rather than for some theoretical average child)

b) if it is better, then how can you get him settled quickly.

So what worries me about your OP is that you are not in fact sure about whether or how the new school is better? Merely not being under NIP is not enough. You need to look at what ways they will support and stretch your sons learning. Will it be through better teaching (eg the school has a high value added)? Or will it be that there are more bright children at the new school so he won't be held back? Do they have some sort of specialism that is of interest to him eg science clubs, electronics club, maths clubs? Or even sports, music?

Once you can identify the way in which the new school is "better" then you can balance the negatives of missing friends and longer days. I would approach the formteacher and see who he is making friends with, or whether he needs a buddy. See what opportunities there are for getting to know the other parents in the class and arranging some play dates. you can use the car journey for chatting or listening to story tapes or even times tables songs etc.

I don't think that you can judge whether the move is right merely by whether or not your son is happy. You need to dig deeper as to what is important in a school for you and your family, and make your choice on those values. And then once you have made your choice you can then address levels of happiness.

Like soupmaker, I am in Scotland where almost all children go to their local school, which is almost always within walking distance. This makes children a real part of the community, and they have friends nearby that they can call in for or see spontaneously after school. To me, this far outweighs any other consideration, education or otherwise.

Did you move him on a whim, or did you have real concerns? My opinion is that primaries are much of a muchness, and being happy and confident is really important.

You make 2 points about the old school in your OP.

1. The school is under "notice to improve"
2. The school was not stretching your child enough

I think 2 is a valid concern but should be addressed to the school to allow them to address it first (don't know if you did this). If your child in only in Y1 it doesn't seem like you gave them a long time to address any concerns.

Did you plan to move school prior to the Ofsted, or was it effectively the Ofsted that made up your mind?

Having no choice, but to drive to school, I think moving from one you can walk to is madness unless DCs are being bullied and ate really unhappy.

I am in Scotland, in Glasgow, and Agent is right, up here schools at primary level are much of a muchness. I am not sure how long your DS has been at school but my DD has been at school since August, so I don't believe I could judge if it wasn't stretching her educationally. But even if I did think that I would be talking to the school and thinking about how we can support her at home. To be honest I disagree with the whole system of being able to choose schools, if we all just sent our kids to the local school and got stuck into to supporting the school in being the best it can be instead I expending energy on getting kids into the "best" school and stressing about it, the education system would be a hell of a lot better.

Ps, I'm not being critical of you Hedwig, I think you've been put in this position by the way the system operates. Sorry I don't have an answer as to what is best for your DS. I think we just all muddle along and do the best we can.

Thank everyone for your views.

I think deep down I know I've been to hasty in moving him, to his detriment

The new school is better, the on paper quote was to show that although a school seems to tick all boxes, as in being better, it can not be the right one for some people.

DS original school was within walking distance, and also has a community feel - which I didn't think he or I would miss, but we do, especially my DS.

My DS was within this school from nursery, to which he arrived quite far along, they even had extra groups to help the higher achievers. But then a new headteacher took over while my son was in reception, and things slowly began to go down hill, there were a lot of instances of bullying, the work began to slow up, no homework, spellings, etc.

I think I panicked a bit and saw how things might go, but in all fairness, my DS will not make strides in education if hes not happy - will he?

I think I know the answer, which is to swallow my pride and do whats best for him and try to get him back into his old school.

Many thanks for your opinions x

Could you be in danger of making two hasty decisions?

Should you not at least talk it over with his current teacher first?

That's what I'm afraid of learnandsay.

That exactly!

Really confused.

Hedwig, It's natural that your child will go through a transition phase and you have made a choice based on what you felt was the best for your child, which is all any good parent would do. It may help if you communicate your worries with his teacher and see how they feel he's settling (you may find he's absolutely fine during the day!).
Find out who he is playing with and arrange a couple of playdates. Could he join any after school clubs or activities like Beavers (!) to socialise with the children he's at school with?
He's very young and little ones are able to adapt if you remain positive about the new school and try not to communicate your doubts then he will begin to feel positive and secure in this change too!
Try not to get stuck in this cycle of parent guilt and give it until the Summer Term......I'm sure he'll be just fine x

Incidentally, when you said at the village school bullying occurred after the arrival of the new head, who was bullying whom? Was it the children or the new head, or somebody else entirely? (I don't need specific details.)

I moved my DS2 from our local school at the end of Y1 for different reasons ie. he was struggling and unhappy in a large class in a big school. DS1 did very well there but different child, different needs. Walking to a school that was part of our community was something I always wanted for my children (didnt have it myself) and DS2 had a lovely group of friends.

It has taken nearly a whole term for him to really settle though and make friends and we did have alot of "can I go back to my old school now". I spoke to his teacher, checking he was making friends and enrolled him in a fun after school club as well.

He is now thriving. He has had playdates with his new friends but also still keeps in touch with a few of his old friends and goes to Beavers and swimming classes with local friends.

Thanks HRH.
I am going to leave it now, due to Christmas, and I've made an appointment to see his teacher on Thursday to discuss things. Last time I rang to see how he was getting on a couple of weeks ago, they did say he was finding it hard to settle in and make friends, so I think that's part of the problem.

I'll take it from there. I have printed off the form to reappy for another school - just in case.

Learnandsay - The bullying was children related, overnight the children seemed to realize the new head was young and inexperienced and exploited it to the full. But saying that things do seemed to have settled down, from speaking to other parents still there.

My DS was one of the children bullied, but not constantly, more like every few days there was someone else, hitting or kicking him or calling him names, but saying that there were a few others it happened to as well, so not just to him, and they sorted it out - eventually, but took a lot of going in to sort it out.

Thanks Mrsjwrtwr - its nice to hear a good story.

I think it is too soon to make such a huge decision to move him again, certainly not until the summer. The concerns you had about the school are still going to be there if you go back - try and remember all the thoughts you had about it that made you decide to move and not be influenced by your DS being unsettled (easier said than done I know).

We moved DD after Year 1 and the first term was very hard for us all, although we could see it was better for her academically and for the future, the tears we sometimes had missing her friends, was very hard to take and like you there was a lot of guilt on my part and it was tempting to go back to the old routine. However, she did enjoy being at the new school during the day, which helped.

We kept up the positive spin about the new and also kept in touch with with the old friends, we live in the village so see them around, but I also made a huge effort to 'make friends' myself with the new mums, which of course wasn't easy, because they had known each other from Reception and were established.

It wasn't until we returned to school after the Christmas holidays, that I felt we had turned the corner and settled to the point I could relax and lose the guilt!

I think you need to speak to the teacher to see how he is in class, is he happy once in and joining in?, has he made friends? If he sees you wobbling a bit, maybe that makes him feel a bit insecure too.

Oh, we still have the odd moments when she asks to go back to her old school, despite being into her second year at the new one, but she also says how much she loves her new school too!

Do you think it's a good idea to move him again? Surely you must have expected it to take a while for him to settle? Have the school paired him up with a 'buddy'/mentor or similar, could that be something to suggest to his teacher maybe...

Again, with the old school, a new head is likely to bring a period of disruption to the school. It happened to the school my DD is at now, went from satisfactory to good with outstanding features, funnily enough when I really looked into it - there was no difference between sats results when compared with neighbouring good/outstanding schools and the main thing that ofsted criticised was that the IT facilities needed updating which I could live with.

I would try and help him settle in, be positive and keen and it may rub off on him. Its early days yet!

Hegwig06 I feel bad for you. It's not an easy decision moving schools. My DS1 (4.10) started his reception year in a really nice prep school (we didn't get a place in ANY of the local schools and they allocated us to a failing school 3 miles away and I didn't like it when I saw it, not because it was failing but because it was a big school and expanding, which I don't agree with if it was failing). We were quite behind on wait lists that didn't seem to move during summer either... Anyway, we got a call to say we got a place in a local C of E school 4 weeks after DS1 started. He was settled and very happy and they seemed to be really pushy academically (which you expect them to be for a private school and we really wanted that). We made the heartwrenching decision to move him, it was horrible and we did it quick too. We saw the local school on Tuesday morning and they said it was best he started the next day!

It was horrible at that time but you know what? He settled within days. We are so happy with the school. They did everything they could to help him settle. His reception teacher had a 1-on-1 with DS1 on Tuesday afternoon, after school. He got a 'well done' cert on the Friday, 3 days after he started etc. I cannot fault them and he is so happy there. I don't think you should overlook the local community element, it's very important. DS1 has playdates all the time, he knows he will see his friends on the 5-minute walk to school (as opposed to be 15-30 min drive through horrendous London traffic). Academically, they are not as pushy as the prep school as well (and that would truly be our only 'regret' if there is any!) but I am surprised at how much they do (after hearing endless stories of state schools not doing much at reception year) and am happy with the way DS1 is progressing.

It sounds to be that you are regretting your decision. Yes, there will be a settling in period but the new school doesn't sound like they are doing enough to help your DS settle in (so hoping your Thursday meeting will clarify things). If you really do feel you have made the mistake, I would change back to the old school. The local 'thing' is very important I feel. Maybe not at our DSs' ages but I did read another thread here who said once your kids are seven and over, they choose their friends and if that is the case, I would like DS1 to be able to pop into his classmates' houses nearby, rather than relying on me driving him everywhere...

The OP really resonated with me - we moved DD at very short notice recently, less than one term into her Y1. There were events at her old school that pointed to a chance of increased instability over the next few years, and so we enquired about our original 1st choice school - and were told there was a place but we needed to take it up immediately, or lose it forever.

DD had been at the old school for reception year already so had lots of friends. She was worried about the move on a social basis and it was very difficult for us to see her so concerned, knowing we were making this move by choice rather than by necessity. Also at the old school there were a lot of positives about the teachers and fellow parents so this was not a clear-cut situation for us.

But then again (1) many of her classmates had moved already - we live in London, where mobility is high (2) my dad moved primary school many many times as his father was an engineer in World War II - and I'm sure many in his generation have the same story.

At the end of the day people cope - after all people have to move house etc and kids will then have to move school anyway. Different kids will vary on which aspects of moving school present the biggest challenges. But it's very unlikely to be 100% straightforward - DD is doing OK but a lot more tired than usual and generally clearly feeling the strain. I feel like we are over the biggest hump but it was not an easy time.

Hedwig06: One approach is to keep on with the new place but to think at this stage about when you'll re-evaluate. Eg give it another term and then make a call? Then you won't be second-guessing every second of the day, so you can focus on trying to make the best of things - but you'll still have a point at which you'll have a chance to make a decision on whether to revert.

Good luck!

Op-too be honest all 3reasons totally valid

bad ofsted
not stretching
bullying

those are all worth while reasons for a move.

my dd moved just after half term

i wanted too , hubby was unsure

reasons

downgraded ofsted focussing on low attaintment
which then made me look and compare latest sats not as good as many other local schools.
no extra curricular sports or clubs
dd just seemed grumpy and tearful she struggled with transition year r to year 1, she liked year 1 teacher but yhear 2teacher was opposite very strict and formal and quite harsh style.
She had fallen slightly below even younger ones in year and knocked her confidence and self esteem.

but she went to attached preschool-most went onto school.
she had lots of freinds.
it was close to our house

we moved to small village school further away.
mixed classes just 20per year.
her new teacher is leaving end this term-head kindly told me before hand which appeciated.
shes eldest in mixed class and boosted her confidence she no longer feels at bottom
they much more informal and strict-very postive always egtting well dones, certificates, housepoints.
she was assigned a buddy when she joined.
Being teh new girl shes had loads of attentiom
less faith went from rc to coe

Im not saying been easy she missed couple of freinds.
its not until she left that saw transformation she seems happier/more confident now.hubby was worried as smaller she have less freinds but she has far more playmates at break time and does come home in tears as had rows with freinds in old school which was quite cliqey.
Theres so much going on and I thourght this term was best as so many nice things happen xmas term shes been given good nativity part, has xmas party and panto trip.

I have no regrets its a gamble that paid off.

we still trying to a arrange playdates with old school freinds.
she sees some in out of school clubs rainbows, gym ect.
we live local to old school and her sister goes to old preschool next to old school.

For the parent I think move can be even more stressful.

give it time its not been long.

try come up with list positives,

I sacraficed facilities new school has no feild or ict suite and some classes in portacabins but the ethos and freindly nature of school has meant she adjusted well.

it will take a while to settle and build friendships. Why not stick it out for the rest of the year and decide in July?