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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DD very unhappy to be only girl in her year - is there any solution other than moving schools?

39 replies

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 16:24

DD is in Y3 at a village school of about 100 kids. She is in a mixed class of Y3 and Y4, but her year group consists of 15 boys, and her.

The result of this is that she is on the fringes of 2 groups of girls, the Y4s and the Y2s, and of her own year group, rather than solidly part of any group.

She is very lonely and now she says she is getting bullied.
Thing is, even if the school sorts out the bullying (I'm seeing the head on Monday) the problem will still be there, won't it?

I'm really struggling with what to do. I have a ds in Y1 who is very happy and has loads of friends. DD is fine in other social environments - she is outgoing and seems to make friends easily. The school is a good one in many ways and she loves the lessons. We would have to get a second car to do the school run to another school, and in any case the nearest other school doesn't have a great reputation. We can't have them at different schools, unless we send her to the private school which is good but we could only just afford.

But I can't bear to see how unhappy she is. Her old Y2 best friend's mum approached me earlier this year to ask me to get her to back off because she felt she was getting over-intense. Her Y4 best friend has always struggled to fit in and is currently putting all her energy into that so doesn't have much time for her. She seldom gets asked on playdates, even return ones after I've hosted one, because the Y4 girls are a little gang that she is very much not part of.

Does anyone have any advice, or suggestions as to what I should ask the headmistress on Monday?

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LindyHemming · 29/11/2012 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

barbarianoftheuniverse · 29/11/2012 16:47

That was the situation for dd in Year 4. We moved her. It was very hard to leave the local village school, but afterwards we knew it had been the only thing to do. We tried Brownies, swimming and other things like that, but really she needed the day to day contact. The friends she made the day she moved are still friends now.

dogsbreath · 29/11/2012 16:55

We moved our son from a small village school to a prep school in Year 4 as there were only 3 boys in his year and he didn't get on with any of them. He mixed mostly with boys in the year above but there were often times when he had no one to play with. He has now moved to a school with 45 boys in his year and is thoroughly enjoying mixing and making friends with a very varied group of boys. To my mind this is partly what school is about at this age - the social experience.

Fisharefriendsnotfood · 29/11/2012 16:57

I would move her if you can get her in to another good school

Original poster

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 17:02

I agree Dogsbreath - I have always believed that you send them to primary school primarily for the socialisation; the academic stuff can come later. And here is dd being desperately lonely

When she started there were 3 girls in her year. Two left and another one came, but she left. I thought it would be better once she was back in the same class as Y4 best friend rather than Y2 best friend, but it turns out a bullying problem has developed among the Y4 girls and Y4 best friend has enough on her plate dealing with it.

I was lonely at primary school (I was an odd, swotty child and my best friends had a habit of emigrating). When it became clear that dd was far more sociable than me I breathed a sigh of relief because I remember how God-awful it was, and the absolute euphoria on my first day at secondary school when I was suddenly in a class with loads of people I could make friends with. And here she is in this situation but not because of any lack of social skills on her part. I don't want her to get to 11 feeling like there is something wrong with her because she's missed out on the friendship experiences girls at that age have.

Barbarian and Euphemia, thanks for being so clear about it

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Original poster

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 17:37

but the other state school is crap.... and I would have to move ds1 as well....

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Original poster

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 17:38

Anyone been in this situation and stuck it out? If so, do you regret it?

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Chestnutx3 · 29/11/2012 18:14

So there have hardly been any girls since she started school in her year and now there are none, so its very unlikely to get better. Send your child to the private school if you can afford it or the other school if not. I would not move your son. Many of us have more than one school run and some mornings its a struggle but we do get them to school. I would not leave your DD at the school, throw in the bullying and I would be finding her a school place for January. Poor girl she must be so lonely.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 29/11/2012 18:26

There must be an alternative to the poor school and the private school surely? What about a school further away? Something that can accommodate both children. It would be down right silly to have them at two separate schools.

It is slightly possible that the class may change over the next few years - with new girls arriving? Personally I would lay the problem at the feet of the teacher/head and give them a chance to resolve it first.

If she is really down and you can be about, you could always look at home education.

Original poster

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 18:39

I don't think home ed would help since the issue is with her wanting friends. (I know home edders meet up a lot with other kids but that still wouldn't give her the day to day contact she wants.)

There's a school a few miles away that got outstanding in its last Ofsted (where her original best friend from Reception went). I wonder what the admissions situation is there.

Chestnutx3, how can a school run to two schools be managed if the schools have the same start and finish time? That's why I thought I could only keep ds1 at the first school if I send dd to the private - it starts earlier and finishes later so would be practical.

What can a headteacher do?

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Whistlingwaves · 29/11/2012 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedalife · 29/11/2012 18:57

You could maybe use a before and after school club for one or other child, do alternate days so you still get to pick them up some of the time.

This option would be alot cheaper than private and once one goes to secondary the problem disappears.

Good luck whatever you decide to do

barbarianoftheuniverse · 29/11/2012 19:55

For what it's worth, I would move them both. Hopefully if ds is at a very local school he will be able to stay in contact with special y1 friends. We waited and waited for more girls to join dds school but they never did- the situation of lack of girls put them off. The head told me that. DD started off as one of four girls, but when the last one announced she was going, we went too. I think your poor dd needs a new start more than her brother needs to stay where he is but you have my sympathy- I can't see anyway you can make it totally stress free. Good luck.

Original poster

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 19:56

Oh yes, of course. Our school has a very nice Kids' Club which is used by parents from the other local schools (hence I currently let dd go sometimes just to meet girls, even though I have no childcare need to do so).

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Original poster

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 20:03

We can't afford to send them both private (and we have a 3yo as well) so it would have to either be dd alone going private, or both shifting to a state school in a different village.

The lack of girls does indeed put them off, that's exactly what happens. It's why two of the others left.

The head is a new, dynamic head who has experience in village schools (she's shared with another the same size which she apparently turned round) so if there is anything to be done I'm hopeful she'll do it. She will be very conscious of keeping the rolls up and the prospect of losing not one but potentially three kids ought to concentrate her mind. It's just a question of how much a head can really do to affect friendship groups given that she can't do anything about the lack of girls itself.

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barbarianoftheuniverse · 29/11/2012 20:14

We were allowed by the school we moved to to do a trial week. Both schools were very kind about that. In the event after one day we knew what to do, but it helped to say 'This is just a try. It doesn't have to be forever,' because dd was afraid to change.

Floralnomad · 29/11/2012 20:16

At the end of the day the HT cannot make people be friends with your DD . I moved my DD from private to state during yr 5 for the same sort of reasons. I'd definitely move .

ReallyTired · 29/11/2012 20:22

"but the other state school is crap.... and I would have to move ds1 as well.... "

I have been in the situtation of being the only girl in the class. It is truely horrific and I got seriously bullied. I can't think of an educational situation more crap than having a year 3 girl being in a class with 15 boys.

How crap is the other state school. Is it in special measure or is it just that the results are poorer. There is more to life than academics.

tilder · 29/11/2012 20:29

I was going to ask what your nearest schools were like as you say initially its not good and then there is one with an outstanding ofsted. Are you basing your opinion on them on visits you have made, local opinion or the written paper report? I would use all three sources before dismissing the other state school.

We live in a village with a small state school so can appreciate the problem of small class size that are unequal between girls and boys. It is a very hard decision but I would also factor in the out of school social side. Not sure if it works the same everywhere but round here families that send their children out of catchment often find it has a knock on effect.

Original poster

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 20:42

I'm basing my knowledge of the schools mainly on what other parents have said, though I've read the Ofsteds too; parents fairly often move their kids from the nearby one (Ofsted 3s and 4s) to our school and very seldom in the other direction (the only one I know of was Weird Racist Dad who objected to our school using ORT books with pictures of Muslim children so he moved his kids as a protest.) Our school actually got a Notice To Improve from Ofsted last time, but it was a bit of a blip - it scored highly in most things but the SATS weren't good enough so that brought it down.

The outstanding one is further away and may be oversubscribed so I hadn't initially considered it.

ReallyTired - she's not the only girl in her class, just in her year, as there are Y4 girls in her class too.

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lisalisa · 29/11/2012 20:47

Only read the OP but I'm sorry I can't see any alternative but to move her. We had a similar situation at dd's old school where there were 4 girls in a class of 25. The girls slowly started leaving until only dd an done other girl left. This girl was a tomboy and quite happy to play football with the boys but dd was left lonely and isolated ( this was only yr 1). She was too young to know how to integrate herself with the older or younger years and just hung around getting more and more unhappy. We moved her to another school and she thrived.

It is difficult your particular situation seeing as your other child is so happy in the same school but if I were you I'd sacrifice his happiness for your dd's particularly as the new school will also have boys in it for your ds and girls for your dd so its win win

tilder · 29/11/2012 21:05

Not an easy decision at all and not unusual in a small school. I would go visit the other schools, see what you think and see if they have space or a waiting list.

From experience round here there is a lot if gossip about different schools and the stuff I hear about my dcs school doesn't often match my experience.

jellybeans · 29/11/2012 21:34

Happened at my DC school in one year. Several new girls joined eventually so all was fine. They also mixed year groups. I would stay at the school. My boys and girls played with opposite sex also at that age.

thegreylady · 29/11/2012 21:50

It is difficult but I think you need to get her into the private school if the other state schools aren't suitable.With every week that passes she will become more and more unhappy and 'switched off' where school is concerned.She will go up to secondary with no other girl from her class.The whole situation is awful for the poor girl.
Sorry but I dont think you have much choice.I taught primary for years and girls of this age do gang up and your poor dd,being isolated, is an obvious target.

Original poster

TunipTheVegedude · 29/11/2012 22:03

But if we send her to the private school now, then unless we then stick with private right up to 18, she's going to be in a horrible position at 11 when all her friends go to the private school and she has to go to the comprehensive. That would be an equally awful thing to do to a child.

Or do we just try to solve the problem as we see it now and worry about future problems when the time comes, bearing in mind we might move house before then to a different comprehensive (and possibly grammar) catchment anyway?

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