DD very unhappy to be only girl in her year - is there any solution other than moving schools?

[TunipTheVegedude]

DD is in Y3 at a village school of about 100 kids. She is in a mixed class of Y3 and Y4, but her year group consists of 15 boys, and her.

The result of this is that she is on the fringes of 2 groups of girls, the Y4s and the Y2s, and of her own year group, rather than solidly part of any group.

She is very lonely and now she says she is getting bullied.
Thing is, even if the school sorts out the bullying (I'm seeing the head on Monday) the problem will still be there, won't it?

I'm really struggling with what to do. I have a ds in Y1 who is very happy and has loads of friends. DD is fine in other social environments - she is outgoing and seems to make friends easily. The school is a good one in many ways and she loves the lessons. We would have to get a second car to do the school run to another school, and in any case the nearest other school doesn't have a great reputation. We can't have them at different schools, unless we send her to the private school which is good but we could only just afford.

But I can't bear to see how unhappy she is. Her old Y2 best friend's mum approached me earlier this year to ask me to get her to back off because she felt she was getting over-intense. Her Y4 best friend has always struggled to fit in and is currently putting all her energy into that so doesn't have much time for her. She seldom gets asked on playdates, even return ones after I've hosted one, because the Y4 girls are a little gang that she is very much not part of.

Does anyone have any advice, or suggestions as to what I should ask the headmistress on Monday?

Why must it be private? My dh (teacher for 30 years) says 80% of education comes from home and happy kids learn best. Offsted don't see everything! We moved dd from outstanding to satisfactory- she flourished. I hope yours does too.

Talk to the private school about where their leavers go. When we went to see the one near us, they were very open about how many children went on to private secondary, but some also went to the local comprehensive. That may not be as bad as you think. And also, at that stage, they will be going to a wide range of different schools so it won't be as important.

That's really good to hear, Barbarian.

Private would only be one option, I'm just trying to work out what's feasible. There seem to be so many different solutions and all of them bring their own problems but it's really helpful to think it all through, thanks everyone.

That's interesting OneSandwichShort. The prospectus says most of the leavers go to the public school it's a prep school for but 'most' could mean a lot of different things.

ddtwins were at the school that LittleFriendFromSchoolThatOnlyHadBoysInHerYear joined, and it was wonderful to see how she immediately blossomed. They're all still friends now, in Year 9.

A surprisingly large number of current year 9's have had some time at local private schools. We've just acquired another batch, who wanted to avoid the first two years, when the teaching is virtually all mixed ability, and join in when setting starts.

Go and see all the other schools and start from there.

The one that you say is poor may give you a totally different 'vibe' i when you visit.

FWIW when my DD started school there was an option of the one near her nursery that her friends were going to, and which had a good Ofsted report. Or the one near home where she would not know anyone and which had a satisfactory report.

When I saw the latter I was incredibly impressed by the headmistress. It was a first and middle that had been combined and the headship given to the (outstanding) primary head. The middle school had not been so well run and it was that part of the school that was basically 'dragging down' the Ofsted scores.

DD is now in Year 3 at the 'less good' school. She is doing really well, has made friends and is well supported academically and socially. We had Ofsted earlier in the year, and although I was aware that the new changes make it harder to get a high score I was genuinely surprised that it got 'satisfactory' overall again as I think it's a great school and couldn't be happier with it.

In short - you need to arm yourself with all the information before you can make a decision, but it does strike me that moving your DD is ultimately going to be the best thing, and tbh I'm not sure private would be the best option given your circumstances (DH works in the private sector so am basing that on things he told me when we had the option of doing it for DD with a massive staff discount).

Do go and look at schools, do not rely on Ofsted or "reputation", as you have discovered the "better" school is not "best' for your DD as there are no other girls.
Lots of children from private schools near me do go to the local Comprehensive at 11, some because their parents have financial difficulties, lots because once they've done it with one it one it becomes the obvious choice for siblings, and quite a few because if their sons are not quite good enough for the very selective private option then the Comp is better than a huge commute to the next private alternative.
Lots of children in my DCs classes were the only one from their school to go there (parents moved, divorce which forced them out of private, or just they went to a different school). You really wouldn't know it by year 8 at the latest. Its a huge move and a very different culture from primary.
However my DC have said in contact with real friends who went to different schools, and my DD has very good friends who are at private school.

I also have known friends move their children from one school to one with a worse reputation, and it has been the right move for the child.

sounds tough. DD1 is the only girl in her year, but there is only one boy too so not at all like the situation you have.

I would talk to the school and unless they have any really positive sggestions for dealing with the situation I would seriously consider moving her. I wouldn't eorry too much about ofsted, but would worry if I got an awful vibe from a potential school iyswim.

I think I would be expecting her current school to be a bit more proactive about the whole thing. I mean the social/emotional aspects of school are so important and it wouldn't take a genius to see that 1 girl with 15 boys would be in danger of suffering socially and take proactive steps to counteract that. I'm thinking things like specific team/group activities, dealing with 'antisocial' type behaviour in all year groups and if neccessary allowing your DD to 'settle' either with the year above or the year below so she didn't have to keep 'flipping' primary friendship groups each year.

Why can't she make friends with the boys? Are there any of the boys that she knows? Rather than brownies maybe it would be better for her chances to make friends if she went to cubs.

She used to hang out with the boys quite happily and she has boy friends in other contexts (eg when we go on holiday with other families who have boys near her age; she also has 2 brothers and 3 boy cousins) but as they've got older the boys at school have got more interested in football and less in the kind of games that the girls seem to like. Also although she gets on perfectly well with many of them, none of the boys are going to have a girl as 'best friend' at school. And sadly, the boy she used to be closest to has a dad who wants his son to be macho and discourages him from doing girly things. I don't think it's surprising that she feels the need for girl friends as well as boy friends. Not sure how cubs would help?

Op contact the outstanding school and find out if they have afterschool and breakfast clubs too.

Contact the private school and ask outright if they do bursaries explain your situation (be blunt and honest as to why your seeking to move)

Obviously do the meeting with the head

Then see what your options are.

If school with the outstanding has spaces and a club your issue is more or less sorted isnt it?

I have moved one of mine due to issues like this and it was the right choice. Not one to make quickly though IMO

good luck

DDs old primary has one all girl year, because the last 3 boys left for this sort of reason. Non wanted to be the only one left.

I think it's a very difficult decision to have to make.

I know DD2 would have wanted to leave, friends are essential to her.

It would have made no difference to DD1 her only primary school friend was a boy anyway.

This is all really really helpful. Thank you so much, everyone.

I'm seeing the headmistress first thing on Monday so it will be interesting to see what she has to say. She's been head of other very small schools before so she ought to have come across this kind of problem before.