DS punched in the face at reception today

[slaveofsolitude]

I started this thread a few days ago

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/primary/1573330-DS-being-repeatedly-hurt-by-another-boy-in-reception-What-to-do

Today DS was punched in the face by the same boy. The teacher really doesn't seem to know what she's doing.

I don't think I can return him to that class now - can I insist that DS is moved to another class? There are 3 reception classes with 30 children in each - so if he moved it would mean one class would have 31 - is that legal?

DS is so sad and keeps sayng he doesn't want to go back to that class (he wants to go back to school though). What an awful start to school for him - I feel devastated.

The other child clearly has some behavioural problems - I just don't believe this is normal for a 4 year old child.

Well I kept DS off today, phoned up and explained why, asked for an appointment with the HT and emailed a letter over setting everything out.

HT called back a few minutes late - she hadn't read the letter. I was pretty gobsmacked by her response. No apology or kind or reassuring words. No invitation to come and discuss in person. She said what she has decided to do is separate them in the playground - that was it. I was actually speechless and felt like crying. I started to get angry and she said if I really wanted the offender could sit in her office for a couple of lunchtimes...ummm, this is not just about breaktimes!! She really seemed totally uninterested and made me feel I'm creating a huge fuss. I feel so upset.

We are going in at 3pm to discuss (after I absolutely insisted on coming in - I really felt she wanted to fob me off with a phone call and nothing else).

I really can't see that there will be a happy resolution to this at this school. :(

Phone the council now and tell them all you have told us.
This guide from the Education Department will help you go through the stages of making a complaint.

Tell the HT that you are doing this and if I were you, I would start to look around at other schools because it's obvious that she is failing her pupils and should there ever be another problem further down the line, this is the response you are going to get.

You need to get him out of there and change schools, but not before you've reported them to prevent this happening to another child.

what on earth is wrong with schools that think it is ok for children to be harmed. How did your meeting go?

I hope it went ok

Taking my son out a situation like this was the best the I did.
Put all your concerns in a letter to the b of gov.

Your poor son. I know exactly how you are feeling as I too have been through a scenario very much like yours with my son. He was bullied, threatened, hurt etc all through yr 2 and yr 3 and I (stupidly) followed all the schools route of complaining. speaking to the teacher, head teacher, governers until I was blue in the face.
It got so horrendously bad that I felt that my little boy was being harmed not just physically but mentally too and it had to stop. The school were as useless as yours, so I looked at moving him out. There were no other state options so moved him out and into a wonderful prep school. The fees have over the past 4 years been hell to pay at times but almost immediately, my little boy came back. My happy, cheery chappy was going to school, looking forward to the day ahead, not crying, feigning illness etc.
I would do it all again and my only regret is that I wasted so much time trying to get his primary school to recognise the bullying and the effect it was having on my ds.
A few days after my ds left the bully moved onto another child and was eventually permanently excluded after he broke this childs arm...
I'm just grateful that it wasn't my son who suffered this.
Best wishes and I really hope the meeting with the head was productive.

How did the meeting go?

I hope you made some progress (although suspect not).
Thinking of you and your little man.

Hi

Hope it went OK, I know how you feel and all I can say is you have done the right thing to address it now.

We went through a similar thing with dd, who had three children who were as the head called them 'challenging'. One of them tried to strangle dd and at the time it was played down to me, but I later found out it had been taken extremely seriously at the school. Another tried to pull her plaster cast off her arm after she had broken it. I spoke to the teacher several times about it, but still it carried on and dd was almost hysterical about going to school and was having nightmares about it. We thought it would improve in Year 1, as the children settled, but our happy outgoing little girl had started to switch off to school and at the start of Year 2, I felt I couldn't send her into that madhouse. We pulled her out two weeks into the start of the year and were lucky enough to be able to send her to a private school and our enthusiastic happy little girl returned.

Two of the children are still causing mayhem, the third has gone to another school, as her parents realised she had issues, but the school wouldn't agree with this, despite them having her assessed privately. One of them frequently has to be pulled off children (she actually attacked dd again at Brownies not long ago after she lost a game), they sometimes remove her 'safely' from class and at least once have had to evacuate the class to the hall when she has kicked off. Obviously these children need some help of some sort, but in the meantime the other kids have to accept it.

I feel for all parties, but the relief that dd is not longer a target is immense and I shouldn't have left it so long.

I hope you have been able to come up with some sort of plan, no child should be afraid to be at school.

oops some reason it double posted!!

Blimey I cannot believe the HT response!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you work? If not you could HE, or look into any free schools that are setting up nearby???

Hope the meeting went OK.

In one respect having this one child as a problem means supervision could potentially solve this... but only if very close supervision happens with no gaps/discontinuties etc.

In another respect, it almost doesn't matter that it is one child, your child is being hurt, needing first aid (cold compress etc) and is missing class time due to a fear of bodily harm.

They need to assure you how your child will be protected, both from this one child and any other significant risks...

Would love to know how head teacher explains to "problem boy" parents why he is in her office each day - either he is suitable for the school and all that goes with it, or he has special needs and needs an assessment and suitable support/supervision/intervention.

Sorry to hear of your problem. We had exactly the same problem with DS1 several years ago. A child with behavioural problems and unpredictable outbursts "fixated" on him and lashed out at him regularly, causing injury. The school was aware of the problem, but for whatever reason could not/would not resolve it. When DS ended up in A&E after receiving a blow to the head, we gave up and withdrew him and DS2. Both went straight into the private system, which I know is not an option for everyone.

My honest, although rather depressing, advice would be to move schools if at all possible.

If moving to another state school or to private school is not an option, I'd advise you to keep on at the school, then governers, then LEA. Although the problem wasn't resolved for us, I wrote to the head each time there was a major incident, so that he had to keep a record on file. I'd make sure you keep your communication is as dispassionate and reasonable as possible, focusing on the effect on your child rather than the behaviour of the aggressor.

Good luck.

One thing worth trying if you do need to change schools is to talk to your local private schools about the situation and ask if they have any spaces and any bursaries available. I know our head would bend over backwards to help a child in this situation...and let's face it if you don't ask you can't get! Worst that will happen is there aren't any spaces - or you could end up with a heavily subsidized place!

Good luck

I'd second Valentine's advice if you want to look at the private sector. I know from experience that some private schools have very generous bursary and scholarship schemes, but they don't always shout about them. When we were looking at private secondary schools for DS1, one in particular intimated that DS1 was likely to be a good candidate for a scholarship which would potentially have slashed the fees by 50%. I had to push to get that information, though.

In your position, if paying full fees isn't an option, I'd research suitable private schools, then go and see the heads to explain the situation and see what help is available.

Another vote here for the teacher and head teacher failing you and your ds completely (and all the other children in the class as it's bound to impact on them too in the course of the year if the other child is able to continue lashing out unfettered).

I would be on to the LEA and OFSTED in the morning to find out from them what you can do to force the school to do something. I would say that you will be putting a complaint into them because of the way that you and your ds have been treated, but that today, what you need is something concrete that you can say to the head and the teacher to get them to take your son's safety seriously.

I'd also throw the attendance thing into the mix when talking to the LEA, I've no idea if the head has signed your ds off with authorised or unauthorised absence (and it would be interesting to know exactly what reason she has provided!!) but I would say to the LEA that you do not want to keep your ds off school, you are worried about his attendance, you want him to be in school, but that you are not prepared to jeopardize his safety any further given that it has been continually compromised and the attacks seem to be escalating.

Seems that most head teachers worry about attendance. Depressingly, it might be that one of the ways that you can force the head to do something is to threaten show how your ds's absence will have bad effects on her absence figures.

I would also be pushing for the other child being moved to a different class (unless the other class teachers are nicer or more effective than the one your ds has). Or threaten to do something dramatic like say you are going to go to the police and ask them to come and talk to this child to make him realise that he must stop hurting other people. Or see if you can get some sort of order on him whereby he mustn't come within 20 metres of your ds (I know, those sort of things are probably only for adults, certainly not for young kids, but it is the sort of thing that might make her sit up and realise how serious you are - and if you get that sort of thing going, has the potential to make her life very difficult and so would be much easier to sort it all out now).

Have you managed to talk to any other parents in the same class as your ds - do you know if anyone else is having a problem or is this child just picking on yours? And do you know if he was similarly behaved at pre-school or nursery or is this all new to him? Just wondering if he has a longer history of being violent to other kids you might have more success in talking to the teachers about him...

I hope you managed to have a more successful meeting with the head this afternoon and that you have managed to come away with something!

How was your meeting op?

Just a note to those suggesting the private sector. This happened to my son at his private prep school. The child was removed from the school after six months, but it was a long six months and has had a lasting effect on my son - although thankfully he is nearly back to his old self a year later. All schools have to follow some processes before excluding a child (including trying to help his/her behaviour improve).

Schmee - I don't think people are saying that private schools are exempt from this sort of thing, just that if there are no other schools in the vicinity that have spaces, it could be a consideration.

I didn't for one minute think that we wouldn't have the same issues in another school - whatever sort it was - the concern at the time was just getting her out and somewhere safe from where she was and I am sure that is the first thought of the OP.

I wonder how it went?

OP, how was the meeting?

Just to try and add support. I live in London, in a borough where there aren't enough reception places. I know for certain movement is still happening as school places have come up, and in ofsted outstanding non denominational schools too. Put you child down on ALL the school waiting lists, you won't lose anything

Sorry I disappeared - been having a crazy week at work plus everything that's been happening with DS...

So, this is what's been happening...

DH and I went in for a meeting with the HT on Monday. After her dismissive phone call that morning, I wasn't holding out much hope. But, to be fair to her, she was qute helpful. She had read my letter and seemed to take the whole thing a bit more seriously. However, she said moving classes wasn't an option because the classes were all full. It might be an option if someone left but not now. She also said that in any event she thought it was too early and we should give it more time. I stressed that I was worried about DS' safety - her proposal was basically to separate DS and this boy in the classroom (how?) and in the playground (again, how exactly?). She also said she would speak to the boy and to his parents. She also suggested that DS should fight back!! We reluctantly said we'd give it a go, on the proviso that she would take more serious steps if anything were to happen again.

DS goes back to school. First day back - no incidents. Second day back - when they are supposed to be separated - this boy took his coat off and was flicking it (zip and all) in DS' face - it hit him...he doesn't appear hurt. Anyway, I had told him that if this boy hurt him again / tred to hurt him then he should defend himself. So, he pushed the boy over. The boy tells the teacher and the teacher fails to enquire why DS did this (shocking given the background) and at pick up marches over and announces in front of everyone that DS "attacked" this boy!!! When she was asked what happened, she sad she didn't know and walked off

I got to the bottom of it with DS later (the coat hitting him the face etc). But , I'm just at the end of my tether really: (1) the teacher seems to lack common sense / sensitivity - why not ask DS what happened? why announce in this way in front of everyone and DS who is upset by this while debacle; (2) why weren't they separated - we were given an assurance they would be; (3) this boy's behaviour is no better and he clearly doesn't care about any punishments he's been given for the punching - he's just got it in for DS - what's going to happen next?; (4) DS is so sad and just doesn't want to go back.

I just feel like crying and running away from all this. I'm so ridiculously busy at work, plus my Mum's ill, plus DD (15 months) to think about it. I know this is not about me, but DS of course, but I'm just finding this too much to cope with and I really don't know what the best thing to do is. What a mess.

Oh solitude

Straight back to the head teacher.

They are supposed to be kept separate, this boy should not have even been near your son in the playground.

I'm sorry I don't have much experience to offer you advice, but try not to put yourself under too much pressure. Can you explain the situation to your boss and take a day or two off?

Oh no! No time for a proper post, but another thought. Was your child in a nursery prior to starting school? Any chance they could have him back for a while, if he isn't 5 yet of course?