Reception child "extremely distressed" in state school, please help!

[finnmum]

Hi, I know it's still early days -she started there six days ago- but I feel I've made a big mistake by putting summer born DD2 to a state school with 31 class mates. She was in full time independent pre-school last academic year and loved it from the day one. Then we moved (and money was running out:) and found this 'outstanding' state school nearby. DD1 at Y3 loves it and everyone I have ever spoken to -parents, children and staff- are nice, it just looks like DD2 cannot cope with the class size.
On the day DD1 started last week she was so happy to go the 'big school', now she is dreading it. In the previous school the teacher shook hands and said good morning to the children at the door and everything seemed organised, now we drop them in the class room full of children running around (what happened to using 'walking legs' indoors?) and the teacher puts a name tack on their cardigans without even making an eye contact. I have never seen DD2 so profoundly sad that she has been these few days, stoic by nature she walks to the school with a wobbly lower lip, says goodbye to me and when I pick her up at 12pm (until next week when she is supposed to be full time omg) she just clings to me and has also stopped talking at home like she used to (I've lost my chatter box:). Last night she went and hit her dad when he came home from work, she has never ever been aggressive to anyone.
Today the teacher took me aside and said DD1 was "extremely distressed" the whole time and also that she was the only one who was sad. I didn't know what to say, felt guilty that it was my child who was not settling, and also guilty that I couldn't provide that child the great start DD2 got in the private sector. I know it's the lack of resources but the class room looks like a jungle, the poor teacher is telling kids (boys that are a head taller than DD2) off throwing toys, no way there is time for positive encouragement or introducing children to each other so they could work together. If I had to be in that room for seven hours I'd go insane.
Sorry ladies this was long but I don't know what to do and there is no better people than you to give me some advice. Would you wait and if she doesn't settle just pull her out and keep her home (desperate option:). Are the Reception classes normally this wild or could there be more structure with so many little ones? Any teachers out there to give me advice what I could do to help? I'm so thankful for any advice!

OP you are being fobbed off big time. I agree with Arse and others. The response to the bullying - cos that is what it is is not acceptable and just brushing your concerns away when your DD is demonstrably upset is not on. Do not be concerned about upsetting the teacher, it sounds to me like she may be the root of the problem. Perhaps just a move to another class in the same school - if there is one - might do the trick.
I know it's hard with littlies but try and get as much info out of your daughter as you can about what is happening to her.

When you see the head you must not move until she/he comes up with an action plan. Don't let them put the ball back in your court.
My DS was bullied when he was 7/8 and nobody realised how bad it was, till he flatly refused to go to school. Once the teacher issued a formal general letter to all parents and forced the culprits to write a personal apology to DS it stopped the same day.
The whole no eye contact thing I find appalling as well.

Seems like your poor DD has lost all her confidence. Fingers crossed you can sort it out.

Let us know how you get on.

Sorry, missed the teasing bit. I think that this is more worrying.

You need to set up a proper meeting with her teacher (after school, so there is plenty of time) and you need to tell the teacher how it is affecting your dd and ask how it is going to be addressed. If no luck, you will need to take this up with the Head Teacher (again set up a proper meeting and tell in advance what it is about).

That's good that she's going to talk to the class, but if it continues she will have to take the girls in question in hand. Some chanting may indeed occur in established friendships (my friends used to tease me about my old-fashioned music tastes, but this was aged 8-9 and we were secure in the friendship, so I didn't mind - and that made a big difference). She can't possibly claim that a couple of weeks into reception = established friendships!!

You're not being too demanding. The school needs to teach kindness as much as reading and writing, and above all the teacher needs to be kind!

(and bullying can of course occur in established friendships - whatever, the teacher is talking out of the top of her head!)

State schools can and should be able to offer what you want. no school that is rated Outstanding should have this sort of response to a parents concerns. The school i work in is rated good with outstanding features we are in a really deprvied area, but NOT ONE of our reception kids would be treated like this. We know all their names and they are monitored having lunch by 4 dinner staff, help given where needed, opening yoghurts etc, we have year 6 buddies in the reception playground and they play with any little ones who appear to be a bit lost.

If you don't want to go direct to the Head then find out who the Foundation Stage Manager is if there is one and speak directly to them. Mention everything that excuse of a reception teacher has said to you and her lack of empathy for your poor distressed daughter.If the school doesn't have a FSManager then deputy or head and a letter to the Chair of Governors.

I hope your poor daughter gets a nicer teacher.

I do think younneed to stop thinking about this as a state/private issue. Yes, private schools have smaller classes and more resources, but whqt you describe is nothing to do with resources, it's to do with seriously rubbish teaching in Reception.

Have younlooked wt what the "outstanding" OFSTED report says about the schools foundation stage? Maybe print that bit off and take it when you go to talk to the Head?

Ours is not an Outstanding primary. But when I was in there as a helper a while back, and one of the dinner staff murmured to the reception teacher, 'Mrs M, the little red-headed one is crying, I don't think she likes her lunch', the (knackered-looking) reception teacher put down her cup of coffee and leapt to her feet to go and comfort the child. Now that's someone who actually likes small children.

Lancelottie, I think that's the point actually -DD2's teacher doesn't seem to like small children, she sits on the computer every morning doing the register -which I appreciate is important -when a four-year old comes through the door clutching on to mummy and she doesn't even look at the child's direction. The TA seems very inexperienced and very young, I have never seen her smile to any child. What a couple sigh

Really don't understand why you are not raising all these issues with the head teacher -because you think the class teacher won't like you? Who cares! Your daughter is miserable, affecting you too, the head will know you have a child already in school who is happy and that you are not a moaning Minnie. Honestly you must get this resolved it is not fair on your dd that you won't see the head, call the head today don't let more time go by, your dd only has you to speak for her so speak up

I would go and talk to the Head, this is not normal for State schools.

When we had a problem with a particular class teacher DH and I went to see her on a weekly basis until things improved (we were in fact very close to pulling my son out of the school but the teacher didn't know that).

Ok ladies, I've done it! After a horrible week for DD2 she had apparently slightly better day yesterday (she said another little girl took care of her and played with her). I was happy to hear this from her during pick up and as I said the usual thank you to the teacher and turned to leave she called me in and said she thinks I make DD2 anxious about the school. I couldn't believe what she said! I mentioned to her what DD2 said about what happened on Tuesday and the teacher raised her voice (still smiling), said she has 30 years of teaching experience and "please don't call it bullying". It's what children do and DD2 "needs to toughen up". I was lost for words and said I might have to take this further. As I thanked the teacher quickly and started to walk away she yelled behind me "I know you're not happy!". So embarrassing as all the other parents heard it.

At this point I was fuming just walking away, luckily our child minder who has known DD2 since she was born had the DDs, she was shocked as well and demanded I should go straight to the head. In I went, the head was free and boy was she not happy to see me. She was defensive -mentioned that the teacher has 30 years of experience- but I manage to -thanks to you all as I did have the language there lol- to quickly get through everything. Only forgot to ask how long the teacher has taught Reception as she certainly doesn't seem too good with little ones. The head also said this week's incidents are not bullying as there is no pattern (happened at least on Monday, on Tuesday and we are a month into reception), but admitted that it is nasty and she will find out who these pupils are. I just hope she doesn't get too focused on that as the teacher's attitude is what is worrying, not the kids. As we finished I stood to leave she was still making notes. Silly me was waiting for a chance to shake her hand and say thanks for seeing me as she looked up and blurted angrily: "yes?" I offered my hand, thanked her again and left her office wondering how an earth this lady has been pictured in national newspaper as a miracle woman who turned a failing school into success. Another authority with absolutely no people skills.

This morning DD2 was left almost ten minutes holding me for a dear life in class before TA came over with the lovely little girl who played with DD2 yesterday. The teacher didn't even glance at us.

Gosh this was long, sorry!! I've got amazing help and insight from you and wanted to update in case someone is in the same situation.

Not all state schools are like this. But it does show that OFSTED isn't everything.

Well done. I can imagine the courage that took, a bit of anger can do wonders!

It sounds like the teacher and the head are a bit miffed at someone daring to question them. Probably worried that you have seen through the glossy 'outstanding' label.

I hope things improve. Personally, I would follow your meeting up with note, thanking the head for seeing you and hoping your concerns about x,y z will be addressed. Then you have a record of the meeting too. Do it while it is fresh in your mind. TBH the HT sounds like a right misery, talk about caring profession. Think she is in the wrong job!!

Next step is governors I suppose, but hopefully this will have made them think and get their bums onto gear!

By the way dd was at state and moved to private. Her school had other issues, but the school did care about the Reception kids and they wouldn't have been left like your dd. It isn't a state/private thing.

Keep updating!

KTK9, great advice, thanks!

Well done for speaking up.

Agree with KTK's advice to follow up in writing/email then it can't be brushed under the carpet.

Well done op. They have to do something. Is there another class in reception? Different teacher? Did yet get a copy of the schools policy on bullying?

The good news is that your dd seems to be having a little friend and the TA has spotted this and hence came over with that little girl.

Moving schools when she is just making a little friend might be disheartening for her, so it would be great if she can get through this year with the help of the little girl. Maybe also invite the little girl to come and play after school.

Good news is next year she will have a different teacher. This teacher seems poor as seems the Head, but changing schools does not guarantee good teachers from start to end unfortunately.

Finnmum, as a mum of a reception child and a teacher of reception children I am absolutely appalled at the teacher's attitude. It's wrong and unprofessional on so many levels and she sounds hideous. She may have 30 years experience but it seems she is not able to cope. My sympathies to you and your little girl.

Just a few points:

As suggested by above poster, send letter to Head as a follow up to the meeting outlining what was discussed (eg what the teacher said to you - I assume you mentioned it to the head, as well as what the girls said to your daughter) and what the outcome of her "investigations" were as well as asking her to write back by a given date (I know this is cheeky but really you need to make sure that you get a fairly quick response). If they phone you up instead of writing, send them a letter thanking for phone call and what was discussed on said call.

Keep a record of all your conversations with the school, whether its informal at dropping off/picking up or a meeting. You can use this in the future if you make a formal complaint to head/chair of governors/local authority if you need to go down this route.

Talk to the local authority about process for changing schools/waiting list for other schools. Even if this school is on your doorstep, it clearly isn't the right school for her and even if it is just one teacher who isn't right, a year is a long time to be unhappy if you are only 4 years old and also it is not doing your mental health any good either.

On a positive note your daughter has made a friend, that's great. And maybe it's a start to her settling in. Also, try to build a positive relationship with the TA - is she nice?

BTW, bullying is a purposeful action done more than once - so I reckon that your daughter is being bullied.

A couple of questions:

Also, does it still feel wild or has it settled down?
How do the other parents feel about the teaching and how their children are feeling?