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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Original poster

3 weeks and my kids will be in school :-(

29 replies

Onceortwice · 11/08/2012 19:02

We're hurtling towards this and I'm dreading it.

My son is starting school, 2 bulge classes, school don't really want to take him, no statement yet, no extra help.

ALl I really want is for someone to tell me it's OK if I don't send him, but everyone I talk to tells me I have to try.

I'm dreading sending him.

My DD (year younger) is going and I have no issues at all with her going to school. Just DS.

He has a diagnosis of HFA, but no statement / no extra support at present.

:-(

OP posts:
BeaWheesht · 11/08/2012 19:19

I'm sorry I don't have any experience so don't know what a bulge class is or HFA. Would you get more support on the SN boards?

How old is he?

Of course, if you want to HE you're more than entitled to - how would your dd feel though if she went to school and your ds didn't?

Good luck.

Original poster
Onceortwice · 11/08/2012 19:38

HFA = high functioning autism

Bulge class = school is taking more children than it can really cope with.

DD is already going to a different school than DS. Sad

DD is 3, DS is 4.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 11/08/2012 19:40

I think you need to give the school a chance - you may find that they support your DS better than you are expecting.
However why is your 3yo DD starting school?

mrz · 11/08/2012 19:41

Have you had the chance to talk to his teacher?

Original poster
Onceortwice · 11/08/2012 19:44

Yes, I have talked to his teacher. SHe seems nice.

Yes, I know pip everyone tells me I have to give it a go.

DD is starting pre prep. SO I suppose nursery? But it's quite formal - uniform, set hours etc., She will love it.

OP posts:
mrz · 11/08/2012 19:47

What is her experience of teaching children with autism? How confident is she that she can support your son?

Original poster
Onceortwice · 11/08/2012 19:52

I have no clue about her ability to control my DS, in a class of 30 kids (several others, I know, will be hard work). The settling sessions have been fine (and he's had a couple of extra sessions too)

I know my DS will be a tough cookie in class.

I'm just dreading the whole thing. I hate myself for hating it, I so want him to go to school and enjoy it.

Awful as it sounds, I don't want to have a child with SN, but that is what I have and there is nothing I can do about it, other than try and work out what is best for him. And, right now, it doesn't feel like school.

OP posts:
silverfrog · 11/08/2012 19:55

you say the school don't really want him - what has given yuo this impression?

when dd1 was 4 (also ASD), we refused to send her to school as her statement was not in place. we had the same issue wrt schools not wanting her, and we needed to know that her help would be legally required. the only way to do this is via a statement.

you do not have to send your ds to school - has he been in nursery/preschool up to now? would staying there be an option (if you need him to be going somewhere) while you sort out a statement?

one of our biggest concerns was putting dd1 into a school that didnt want her, and wouldnt put in place the hep she needed - we did not want her to be unhappy and stressed at school (which she wouldl have been).

Original poster
Onceortwice · 11/08/2012 19:59

Silverfrog - I think it was when the school said 'we feel it would be better if your DS didn't start in September' that first alerted me to the fact they didn't want my DS to start school.

Yes, I could keep DS at nursery, but there would be no other children his age and his 'friends' would all be moving to school. But, yes, that is an option.

Did you try school, Silverfrog? this is my big worry... everyone thinks I should try it, but I am not so sure.

OP posts:
mrz · 11/08/2012 20:08

I'm the mother of a HFA son and as a reception teacher have taught a number of children with autism over the years (none with statements in reception) and I think the school's attitude/skills are the main factors in how successful the outcomes will be for your son.

silverfrog · 11/08/2012 20:08

we didnt try any school that didnt want her

mrz · 11/08/2012 20:09

Your LEA may have an autism support team to offer support to your son and the school ...it's worth investigating.

silverfrog · 11/08/2012 20:09

agree with mrz re: school attitude being the main factor.

Original poster
Onceortwice · 11/08/2012 20:14

FWIW, I think the school WANT it to be a success..
I am not sure they quite know how to achieve that (nor do I) but I do believe they want it to work.

DS is very high functioning (so much so, sometimes it's hard to see the problem) and VERY high IQ (though this can be a problem in it's own right) and I do worry that allowing him to 'skip' friendships will cause more problems than it solves.

I'm trying to work out how we would maintain friendships if he didn't go to school. He's not great with friends now, but has a few... who he would lose if he didn't go to school, as that is where they are all headed.

Thanks for the responses. It's much appreciated.

OP posts:
mrz · 11/08/2012 20:17

will his friends be in the same class?

DeWe · 11/08/2012 20:25

Silverfrog. My ds was just 4yo when starting last September. He has hearing issues-glue ear with grommets that came out part way through the first half term. When he can't hear he can be very difficult, including physical. He has had most of this year unable to hear much though one ear.

I was very worried about him starting. The first half term was difficult. He was tired, very insecure-wouldn't eg go to the toilet without an adult with him-not up to some of the things he needed to. For example the first few times for games he either took all his clothes off, or put his PE kit over the top of his ordinary clothes.

However the school have worked with him and with me. Yes, it has been a struggle at times, but there is immense improvement between now and this time last year. I still feel he would have been better with the option of starting this September rather than last September, but he has not just survived, but has gained a lot from being there. And his report wasn't just okay-it was fairly glowing.

There were days when I felt like saying to him "just stay at home" and having a nice relaxed day at home, without worrying he was doing something he shouldn't at school. But then there were days when the head came up to me and told me how proud they were of him because he had done something special, or he came out with a certificate, or another child came out saying "I did this with your ds and it was brilliant" and I was amazed at his work at the end of the year. i knew he could read well, but at the start of the year he wouldn't pick a pencil up, by January he was writing words phonetically.

I think when we have a child who is "off the standard norm" we do worry that bit more and want to wrap them up and keep them from the real world. It's very natural.

I can't say that your ds will be okay at school. But my experience with ds, much as my instincts have been to protect him, is that is has generally been a good experience for him. And has helped him to improve.

Ds isn't always happy to go in-the first statement on his report said "ds is happy to go into school" and, reading over my shoulder, ds said "my teacher told a lie. I'm NOT happy!"-but he is happy when he gets in. He's definitely missed school these holidays, which perhaps tells me more than anything that being at school, for him, is a good thing.

Hope it works out for your ds.

Original poster
Onceortwice · 11/08/2012 20:31

Mrz - Yes they will

and

DeWe - thankyou so much for your post. that helps a lot. Your DS sounds quite a bit like mine.

OP posts:
mrz · 11/08/2012 20:36

I think if he has the security of starting school with friends it will make things easier for him

Original poster
Onceortwice · 12/08/2012 06:40

Yes, mrz he will. Ironically, I have pushed and pushed for him to start school with his peers, because if he doesn't start now, it's going to get more and more difficult for him.

It's just now it's so close and I'm dreading it. I can't let him see that, or he will pick up on my worries... He is a sensitive boy. I need a bloody good slap and believe that this is going to be great.

OP posts:
mrz · 12/08/2012 11:06

Can I give you an example of a child with HFA I taught in reception.
He hadn't attended our nursery and arrived for his visit with a frightening history from his private day nursery, I confess I was worried we could meet his needs. Fast forward seven years to July when he left us for secondary school having achieved level 5s in his SAT tests and being unanimously voted by every member of staff, the pupil who had contributed most during his time at the school. He is still socially awkward but a really popular member of his class and the school.

alphabite · 12/08/2012 13:56

I have taught two children who were diagnosed with autism and several who weren't diagnosed but were going through diganosis and monitoring.

One was a reception child. I met his Mum in the May/June before he started reception and I observed him in his nursery. His mum was really panicking as he had done well in nursery but was worried the change of setting would be detrimental to his progress and his well being. I was quite concerned about how he would settle in as she told me of many situations where he had shrieked for several hours when he first started in nursery and many stories where his behaviour had impacted on the other children.

Her biggest worry was him settling in as he didn't know any of the other children and he couldn't visit his classroom as it was going through building work. She thought he would scream, shout and not come in.

As it turned out he wandered in, put his coat on the peg I showed him, picked up a box of lego and started playing. Apart from a poo smearing incident he did really well that year.

The other child was a year 4 boy who was very disengaged from learning and I found it incredibly hard to reach him. In year 6 he went to a special school and I do believe it was the right place for him.

Give the school a chance. If it doesn't work then moving him is always an option.

alphabite · 12/08/2012 14:00

Another lovely moment with the reception boy was when he said. 'You're Miss alphabite. My name is . Hello.' He did this when playing with the lego! It was a lovely moment from a young boy.

I had made a book for him with staff photos, classroom photos, toy photos etc so he would be familiar with things before he came and he's obviously memorised staff names!

Original poster
Onceortwice · 13/08/2012 07:39

Thankyou, mrz and alphabite - I have a book called 'Autism: Making inclusion a success' and I've done the pupil profile for the teacher and also made him a little book with photos at home, with a picture of the teacher.

I am really trying to be positive about this around the children, I'm just so worried that the first problem we encounter, I will falter.... I wish I felt stronger about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Shellywelly1973 · 13/08/2012 14:01

Hello Op.

You are where i was 3 yrs ago.

My ds now7, has a dx of ASD&ADHD.
I was very worried how ds would manage in reception...he didnt. Eventually he transfered to ss 6months ago.

My point being you dont know until you try. The school can be an enormous help. With the help of the SENCO we managed to get an extreamly good statement. Before the statement came through the following March,the school provided 1-1.

I always worked with the school, they didnt have enough experience to meet his needs or understand his complex needs or very challenging behaviours. My ds is very brigjt,I.Q 126 but socially&emotionally delayed. He never developed friends in nursery as your ds has.

Every HCP we met said he would manage in mainstream with support but im very happy he has moved to a ss that he is very happy in. He is doing so well&improved so much in the last 6 months.

Its so difficult as a parent as we know each transition is so difficult for our dc but as i have learnt,things in life do change &we learn to manage the changes.

Communication with his teacher&SENCO are paramount. Speak to them asap about his Statement