HE re. school. I have to choose but I'm still so unsure

[worrywortisworrying]

I have to decide, by Friday, whether to send my child to school.

He has high functioning autism, and I'm so unsure about the whole thing.

My head is saying school. My heart is saying HE.

I don't know what to do.

Op, Have you been HE your DC before? Did you do this because of his antism or you just wanted to do it for the best? Did your DC go to school before? Any difficulty?
Please tell us a bit more, so I am sure many people can talk to you ...try not to worry, calm down, let's find some positive point and some negative point, many be you will find out a solution.
Positive point maybe, your DC will be brilliant at certain subject, which may lift up his confidence.Social side,(are you worried about this?),many schools has a system on the playground, to help the children who find it's hard to get things to do.
Negative point? You see him less.

Well I have two dc with ASD both in school. Ds did infants in the local school (not the best experience OFSTED outstanding) juniors in another school (very inclusive and he thrived OFSTED in special measures). He did 11 to 16 in an ASD unit attached to an academy school (incredible support OFSTED outstanding) and is now in an independent specialist school (out of this world OFSTED outstanding).
Dd attended the primary that ds did in juniors, they had a new HT and different focus and it soon fell to pieces so she has moved to a primary in a very deprived area, (satisfactory OFSTED although considered outstanding for SEN) and she's thriving. I expect to HE for secondary unless I win at Tribunal and get independent specialist school.
So what I'd say is that for some children in an inclusive school with good support (statemented) it can be a very positive experience but I'm realistic enough to know that not all schools are inclusive and supportive and not everyone has the option to move schools to one better suited to their child's needs.
From reading your posts regarding your allocated school and the HT's reluctance to have your child there I'd hedge my bets that the school most likely isn't the right one for your ds so if I were you I'd HE until I secured a statement and then you'd have priority to choose whichever school you felt best met his needs.

DS is 4. He has never been to school.

He does enjoy nursery now, and has enjoyed the settling sessions (which he was allowed to attend, after a little discussion at the start).
The school are now saying that he can start in September.

If you believe in school, let him start.

If it doesn't work you can pull him out at any time. You don't need to give any notice. You just send the school a letter saying you've decided to HE.

So try school and see how it goes.....

That's fantastic news that you've overcome the difficulties you were experiencing- well done!

Why not send him and see how it goes?

Thanks Seeker. Yes, the settling sessions have been better than expected and, while DS is still going to be a bit of a handful, they are now saying that he can attend the full day (even though Child services called me a couple of days ago, and seemed to think they were suggesting 9-12)

I do believe in school. There is no question at all that DD will go to school (In fact, she starts pre prep this Sept too) and there would have been no question for DS if we didn't have the DX that we have got.

I'm just so worried it will be very stressful, for us both.

It will be stressful.

It will be hard.

Mistakes will be made on all sides.

But - how long can you protect your son for? If he doesn't go to school when he's 4, when will he go?

If he doesn't go to school, how will he at 18? at 30?

The easiest time to start school is when you're 4.

You're playing a long term game. You have to do what you think is the best long term for DS, not the best for the short term.

If it is any comfort mine have no SN but at least for dd1 before she started I would have loved to have HE her, 4 1/2 seemed too little, but with two younger ones my head won, and she was absolutely fine, and really enjoyed school. I realise that it is harder because your son has SN and there are issues with the school, but many people with no real reason go through the same angst as you, much easier decision 2nd and 3rd time!

It isn't just about him, would you enjoy HE? It becomes a lifestyle.

Thankyou for your replies.

Indigo - this is why my head is winning right now. I'd love to keep him here, keep him safe, in our little bubble. But I won't be here forever, nor will he want only me. I have to allow him to grow up and a major step to growing up starts at 4. (Just as a note: This is not against HE... Just that, as I've said, I WOULD school if there wasn't a DX, IYSWIM)

Donteatthevoles - Yes, I would. I'd love it. (For DS). He learns so much better in an autonomous, 1-2-1 situation. I think it would be ideal (academically) for DS. But, I do wonder how it would address the social issues he has (and I don't mean access to other children, I mean understanding social rules, which basically means school, doesn't it?)

I'd love not to send him. HOnestly, my heart would be happier to keep him with me. But, I think my head is saying what is right for my son. And it's his needs that come first. Believe me, I will pull him out if it proves too stressful, and I appreciate that I'm SOOO lucky to be able to be in that position.

Sorry to refer to another thread you were on Worrywort, but how do you feel about the fact that you're planning on sending your son to state (if you don't HE) and his younger sister to private prep? I completely understand your reasons, but don't you ever feel, gosh if my son isn't good enough for prep schools then that prep school isn't good enough for my daughter. Having been on the sharp end of exclusivity, doesn't it make you feel more warmly towards a more inclusive environment for everyone, not just those with additional needs?
Can't stress how much I'm not making a judgment, I'm just interested. A friend was very pro private until she found herself in a situation like you with her oldest. She therefore put all her kids in state as she realised that it was a message she preferred.

Polly - Firstly, I want to say, I'm not at all offended by your question. Secondly. Yes. I have thought about it alot.

I have had my eyes opened by what's happened, and I no longer see prep / private schools as the great hope they perhaps like to paint themselves as. It's all well and good to get good results, but if you select like hell, then quite honestly, you are piss poor if you fail.

All that said, my DD is the sort of child who needs a calm environment and will benefit from the resources offered, so we have decided to send her there.

I am, and I will be widely slated for this, still unsure about sending DS to state school. They say all the right things, but that's because, legally, they have to. They, too, wouldn't take DS if they could get out of it. They just can't. I am not at all sure about sending him to a school which will be so busy (they are taking 150 new children this year) so BIG school.

I would, in my heart, prefer to HE. But, I've taken the line, up to now, that we have to have tried every option, so my head is saying we have to give DS a try with school.

I will be honest and say I'm not used to state schools (or state doctors) I'm used to being told 'how it is' not 'how it has to be said, because of legalities'. I wish I could sign some sort of declaration that says 'I won't sue... Now tell me, honestly, what you think is the best thing for my son'.

ANd, yes, however hard it will be for some to read.... I'm not at all happy about sending one child to a prep school and the other to the local state. I'm not.

Just how difficult is ds? Why don't schools want him? My ds at four was non verbal, nappy wearing and had extreme challenging behaviour but the school he went to wanted to do their best by him. What sorts of behaviours have they seen that they feel unable to deal with? Where do the children with SEN go to in your area? Surely the majority of schools would have experience of dealing with HFA now seeing as figures suggest 1 in 70 are on the spectrum.

DS is verbal (prtty normal language now, but has seen SALT to get him where he is), totally toilet trained, and extremely intelligent.

This is where, I think, the problem lies. Within the first 3- months of being at the nursery he's at, they had to change 6 security procedures... He eithers lets himself out or lets other kids out.

The SEN schools won't take him because his IQ is too high (200+).

He is also extremely defiant and will not be told what to do. He is, which I appreciate appears at odds with the autism DX, extremely intune with emotions and can tell in an instance if there is a grain of flexibility. Given an ich he will take about 2000miles.

He is hard word. I am not denying that for a second.

Worrywort,

I have sent my DS (who has ASD) to school, and have HEd him, at different times and for different reasons.

Although clearly on the ASD spectrum, he has relatively mild difficulties and behaviourally is very "good" (until something happens that he doesn't expect, at which point he surprises onlookers who see him as 'doing fine' by having a meltdown!)

First school we sent him to was fine for Reception academically, socially he was initially quite badly bullied but that was sorted and he had a good year. Year 1 wasn't at all good - weak teacher, chaotic classroom - and DS became so anxious and ditressed that he became a selective mute and displayed many more 'calssic ASD behaviours'.

So i took him out and HEd him while we thought about what to do next. We loved HE, it 'mended' him very well and academically he flew - but after much soul-searching about his long term needs we decided to send him back into school. We chose a different school after moving house, and he has thrived. In fact, he has never been on their SEN register, although he was SA+ at his old school. The initial decision was to wait and see whether the same problems reappeared and needed addressing ... and in the very different environment, they didn't.

I suppose what I'm saying is that no decision is forever. You do what is best for you at that moment, and you can change that decision as many times as you need to as circumstances change.

DS is off to mainstream secondary in September. He will - we hope - be fine. If he is not, there is always Plan B, or Plan C...

Worry - we have the opposite angle. Both DH are adamant state school - ists, yet with DS1, we don't know yet if he will make a transition well to secondary. He has dyspraxia and a host of co-morbids. Academically excellent, its his day to day organisational/listening and practical skills that he struggles with.
At primary, the first one he went to was atrocious. It was no more than sitting him in the back of the class and ignoring him. We moved him from that 'good' school, to a 'failing' school - best move, and what a difference.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If it doesn't seem a good fit, either find another, or HE. If you don't try, you will not know if it would have been a good choice or not.

Thanks for your answer. I suppose I feel personally irked (wrong word - unnerved? something milder than irked) because my children go to a very inclusive state school where there are some kids with additional needs whose non sen/sn siblings go to quite exclusive schools. I'm very happy for my children to be educated alongside those with additional needs, but I slightly resent (again wrong word) the fact that the school they attend takes an entirely disproportionate number because of other schools rejecting these children who deserve an education as much as anyone else. And I'm including other state schools in on this.
We had relatives who did this and it kind of looked like oh well state's good enough for the one who's not going to be a high-flyer.
Anyway, it doesn't sound like you're making any decision lightly and I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it.

I moved my DD to a prep school earlier this year leaving my DS at the state school. I had a long chat with my dad about it wondering if it was fair on DS and he made a very valid point. He said to me that treating your children equally does not necessarily mean treating them the same. It is about doing what is best for each individual child and that money should not come into it.

DD is not autistic as far as we are aware but she is very quirky and unconventional and was struggling to fit in at the state school. We felt strongly that she needed to be in a small school with very strong pastoral care which is the opposite to what DS needs.

She has thrived in the private school but more to the point, even despite the fact that the prep school is phenomenal, had spaces in DS's year and would have taken him in a heartbeat we don't feel that DS has suffered. He has had some superb teaching this year and is very much a golden boy there. Hs report couldn't have been more positive. His school is not offering him an inferior education, a slightly different one, yes, but still one that I am very proud he is getting and the fact that it is free is neither here nor there.

My point is, try not to feel that you are doing your DS a disservice by sending him to a state school. If the state school can meet his needs then give no other thought to the fact that it is not private. If it can't, then review the situation as and when. You will probably also find that having children split between private and state schools is far more common than MN would have you believe and it is often not for financial reasons.

Sorry me again, I suppose what I'm getting at, is that you're sending your dd to a school in order to avoid children like your ds. Or so I understand 'calm' environment. Yet my children are sent to a school where they don't avoid any child, be they gifted, challenging and everything in between.

That's not out of the remit of a mainstream school though there's pretty much a child like that in every class at my dd's school tbh (they have a lot of SEN and very challenging children).They have high IQs (dd is apparently exceptional also ASD) also children on p scales and every level in between as well as challenging behaviour but they cater for hem all.
Ds was a runner too they put in more security, higher fences and alarmed all the doors on top of him having ft 1 to 1 support (no big deal the LA knows that they have to keep a child safe and if that costs they have to suck it up because it's cheaper than legal action against them would be) His TA learnt to run fast and they taught him to come back to a whistle because he ignored his name
I think you have been led to believe that ds's needs are extraordinary whereas in an inclusive primary school such as dd's they'd be a variation on the expected tbh.
When I asked where the SEN children went I didn't mean special school I meant that some schools are far superior to others when dealing with SEN, parents usually find this out from portage or the early years service or from other parents. Have you asked other SEN parents? They will know which schools are inclusive and which ones to avoid I assure you.

I don't see how you could possibly be happy sending him to a state school. Definitely you should HE. What school can offer socially is not enough of what he needs to learn socially, and is too much in other ways.

I am impressed that "they" can measure the IQ of a 4yo that accurately. . I guess things have moved on since mine was done & my parents were told it wasn't possible to measure IQ all that accurately for a young child.

Polly your point is a very valid one. Would I send my DD to a different school to avoid children like my DS? Well, no. But would I send my DD (and DS, if I could) to schools which could control class sizes, extra support etc.,... then Yes, absolutely.

What worries me most about DS's school is that there are 5 classes, all of 30 children each. The school is WAY over MAX. but it has to be done.
DD's class has 12 pupils and there are 2 classes. You do the maths.

Insantity - I have looked and looked for a SEN school. None will consider him because of his IQ.

Rock and a hard place.

No a mainstream school that is good with SEN children, you won't find a special school catering for high IQ ASD unless you look at independent specialist schools. Ds though non verbal at four could read newspapers, wrote in sentences with perfect spelling and punctuation (he'd write very insulting notes about the teacher and HT) and could manipulate three figure numbers but they still managed that alongside him being unable to speak not toilet trained and all the rest. It's possible in some mainstream schools, they may not be local and they may not be OFSTED outstanding though.

Incidentally I don't think ds had a high IQ it was more that he had an obsession with letters and numbers and used his photographic memory to work out patterns and he pushed that to the limit.
He's now at an independent specialist school with fees of £50,000pa plus transport and escort so the LA were getting off cheap when they were funding 30 plus hours TA support per week and they knew it and was the reason why they threw in more and more support to enable the school to cope.

I always go with my heart not head, but thats just me. Also the reason why I am H.edding my dd, but for completely different reasons to you, Op. Good luck whatever you choose.