HE re. school. I have to choose but I'm still so unsure

[worrywortisworrying]

I have to decide, by Friday, whether to send my child to school.

He has high functioning autism, and I'm so unsure about the whole thing.

My head is saying school. My heart is saying HE.

I don't know what to do.

insanity where do you find these specialist indie schools?

My son sounds just like yours... Can tell you all about the flying Scotsman or a pendolino (most of you will probably have to google pendolino ) but ask him his name and he is more likely to bark like a dog or make some other animal noise.

You can ask your Local Authority to provide you with a list of non maintained special schools. There are also groups to look out for that are recognised as exceptional ASD specialists so Cambian, Hesley, Priory, SENAD so I'd google to see if a school is in your area. Ds attends a school run by NorSACA (but that's only in the Nottingham area so not useful if you aren't local) we're not either ds is transported 30 miles and others up to 60 miles a day. There is also a comprehensive list that I can't find at the minute but I'll look.

Is part of the problem that you have no experience of state schools yourself and just don't think they are good enough? There are state schools and state schools- some are excellent. Will he have a statement and a full time TA to support? Personally I would choose a good state school even if I had the money and would only use private if I couldn't get a good state one.
I think that your best bet is to try it and see, you can always pull him out but it is far more difficult to do it the other way round.

My thoughts are if you have a statement (specified and quantified) giving full time support in an inclusive school then that option is far better than an independent school with small classes etc. The very best option is an independent specialist school where the fees will be met by the LA but you have to be prepared for a fight and you have to be prepared for the fact that that fight will probably cost anything up to £15000 by the time you have got independent specialist reports, educational law solicitor, expert witness attendance etc as well as the emotional cost.

Exotic - I agree with your last sentence so much.

If you give school your best shot and it doesn't work then at least you know and are not forever wondering what it would have been like and whether you were doing the best thing. It depends on what is available in your area - have you discussed it with the LEA?. In my area there is a state junior school that specialises in autism and they work in the mainstream, but also have a special unit. I was very impressed when I looked around it. Have you got a local support group who could give advice?

I think Exotic has hit the nail on the head - its seems as though you instinctively feel that private schools are always superior to state so you feel that perhaps HE would be better if he can't go private. I also agree with insanity that the state you're going for doesn't sound like it welcomes children who are a bit different.
The boy I referred to earlier was being taken out of his classes in a private school and put in a room on his own. He lost the ability to speak. His mother home schooled him for a while. Then in year 2 he went to my kids' school and she felt they returned her son to her. He is ASD, highly intelligent, but more to the point completely charming, very popular and able to participate in all aspects of education, social and academic. He's about to go to a super selective secondary which can cope with both his abilities and his differences. She cannot believe the transformation.
My point is that my friend would never dream of sending her other children to a school that wouldn't have her darling son. Many people, and I not saying you, choose private because they want to avoid 'difficult children' (be it through their nature or nurture), but she felt differently once she realised that any of us can be the parent to such children. The school has been equally successful for her daughters who followed their brother.
Find the right school and you may well experience what this family did. But you might also realise that a good school will be able to bring the best out of any child, whether they have additional needs or not.

Dd's school is like the school Polly mentions. On paper you'd probably walk on by, if you stood at the gates you'd probably run by tbh as it's in a deprived area and some of the parents are scary and some of the children don't have good role models and haven't had the best start but if you go inside you'd realise that the school is an absolute paradise for all the children there regardless of their challenges or ability.
You'd see that each child is valued, that each child receives an education tailored to their individual need, that not only are the staff inclusive the children are too and see past the differences to the children inside.
You'd see that there are lots of resources (our school is well funded because of the area it's in and the children they support) and lots of staff (all classes have a full time class TA, part time TA's who run literacy and numeracy programmes, more staff that run nurture groups as well as TA's who support individual children) It costs at the end of the year though when you buy chocolates for the seven staff who work in dd's class not including the student teachers who have left until next year.
Not all state schools are the same though so you need to view as many as possible and speak to local parents of children with SEN as well as SALTs and OTs to find out which school would be best.
Incidentally I wouldn't hesitate to send an NT child to dd's school particularly one that might need support to cope with having a challenging sibling tbh.

Insanity exactly. On so many middle-class acronymic metrics, my kids' school fails (i.e. loads of SEN, EASL, FSM). And yet it gets above average sats results and I honestly believe that it does brilliantly for each child of whatever ability. And yes, feeling your end-of-term pain - I've just had to get cards/vouchers for seven TAs!
I think that's a very interesting point you make about a sibling and it has really helped my friend's daughters. There are issues between them and the boy that would have been exacerbated had they gone to a different school.

What did you do in the end?

Hello Willaby wallaby.

It's

I think we'll give school a go, WW. I think Exotic sums it up really. It's quite straight forward to de-reg, but getting him back into school if I pull him out now might not be so easy.

And, there is a chance he WILL enjoy it (or aspects of it) and I feel I have to be able to say we tried.

Can I suggest- presumptuously- that you make sure you approach school with, at least overtly, a more positive attitude then that? Children are very perceptive- he will know if you a negative about school and it will affect his behaviour and feelings.

Would you keep your own sanity if you didn't get a break from him? He sounds quite full on, I would need plenty of time off to be my best with him when we were together.

seeker - I know. And DS is extremely perceptive about such things. I've been to buy his uniform this morning and am going to decorate his book bag together next week.

I have to do this for him. I know that I do.

I wish I felt more positive about it though.

I just can't help think it's going to be a disaster. he had 'show week' at the gym class he does this week and, of course, the whole class was different. He just lost the plot. Couldn't cope with it at all. I wish I could just protect him from it all.

There were other parents / family members literally tutting at us / him. One woman actually said 'Nothing a bloody good hiding wouldn't solve' under her breath. I left it go because I would have cried if I'd tried to speak. The class lasts for 1 hour. I can't hel pbut imagine that school is going to be like that but 6 hours a day, 5 days a week

But it won't be, will it? No ignorant random people to judge. Just people whose job it is to work with him and you for the best outcomes for him.

Seeker is right. The school won't (shouldn't) treat him like that. The other children certainly won't. My AS son has done amazingly well at a very small state primary. At age 4 and two weeks he was so not ready for school. He did spend a lot of reception knocking down displays and he did bite two children (one of whose parents was horrible, one of whom was lovely). He learned to read by the end of reception but didn't write until end of yr 1. He needed a separate piece of carpet for assembly until yr 1 - he sometimes ran across the field in PE and didn't join in. He sometimes had a screen to help him not get distracted when working - until about yr 2/3.

School were great (I really think a small school helps - they all know him straightaway; they all understand his needs); the children and the parents were almost all great. If you have the Head on your side, it makes all the difference.

Ds has just finished year 6; got all 5s in his SATs, has been a prefect, has been away on a school residential, has got lots of friends, is really, really ready for secondary school (but he is going independent because we just couldn't see him being as happy and safe at the local comp as he has been at primary).

Go for it. Try it. Give school a chance but do your best to be on the same side as them. There may be issues but if you build as good a relationship with them as you can, it will be fine. Good luck.

But imaginary children don't GO to school do they?!