do teachers bully??

[cabbagesoup]

I have a very sad, crying DS at home age 8, we are having problems with the relationship with his teacher, she seems to be treating him very oddly - I know this sounds very one sided but we as parents just don;t get what he has done wrong? basically they get merits for good work, that result in bronze, silver & gold certificates.

So today all of his mates at the same level troop out with silvers and he is 30 merits away?

We can't seem to understand why we are being told he's doing well, hes trying hard etc all the usual stuff and yet failing to get these merits? which are given out by the teacher, he's pretty well behaved can be silly but not a trouble maker, he does homework etc.

So the boy in the class who swears like a trooper and is very distruptive but clever, has his gold, all the acedemic ones have golds, the little girl who was going to be moved back a year has her silver, all the middle pack of spring boys who are just scraping have silvers, he is the only one 30 merits away??

What would you do in our situation we are baffled and frankly angry that he's the only one left out? He says "its simple XXX just doesn't like me!"

Talk about a demotivated child!

Hmm. When I was in my first year of secondary school all but me and one other child got merits at the end of the year. Other child's mum called to ask why. She was told they were "cutting down". He got a Merit after this call meaning my entire class were awarded them apart from me who had to sit alone at the back.

Surprisingly, I didn't let it bother me and became a teacher. That has taught me that 99.9% (approx. obviously!) of teachers would not intentionally pick out a child in this way.

I was once contacted by a parent who was concerned I hadn't given his child a chance to go on a trip because he "wasn't poor enough". That wasn't the case but I owed him (and gave) an apology for the poor way I had explained the system.

Call the school and explain his upset. You will either find out further information or you will uncover and, go towards resolving, an issue with the teacher.

so veritythebrave, are you going to question the lack of award?? I just feel angry and a bit stupid to be bothered as I'm not one of the hang around, always poking my nose into school parents, I'm more of a drop and run variety?

I do feel she is in some way having a pop at me and DH?

Thanks Passmethecrisps, I've asked DH to chat on Monday, he's a bit miffed too, we have our DS swearing blind he's been good, even if he has been naughty a few times it's the massive gap that's a bit of a weird one? he is by no means perfect and struggles a bit but he's been in top set for maths but she moved him back down last week?

This is the same teacher that wrote in red all over his homework as he hadn't used a ruler to draw his horozontial and vertical lines, I asked a few other parents and their children hadn't either but they all had merits, she even made my DS stay in at breaktime to draw lines with a ruler it seemed very unecessary?

Hummmm the more i write this down the more I think she' just picking on him!

I think you'll find that the system as with all these things is fundamentally flawed - the merits are a reward system but are used as an incentive system - sounds to me like your lovely DS is too good to get merits. I'm sure he earns plenty for all his good work but he won't be getting on in each session for sitting quietly on the carpet, for not punching Freddie today, for eating his lunch without spilling his drink over whoever is sitting next to him nor all the times he doesn't swear - beacause he doesn't do these things and doesn't need to be encouraged not to by awarding him merits.
My DS figured out that certain children gain priviledges for being good whilst children like him who are 'generally' good receive none - his solution was to become bad so he could be rewarded for being good - fortunately he mentioned this before he put it into action and whilst I could not disagree with him I managed to persuade him that virtue is it's own reward - I think this is bollocks - once DS finds out that children with severe bahaviour problems in some schools are taken out on outdoor activity days that's it he'll be impossible - and TBH it's a reasonably logical reaction to the situation.
She has probably picked him out as being one she expects a lot more of so will demand a higher standard from - not fair but each to be challenged at their own level.
We have a separate reward system for our 'trouble' children so this doesn't happen as it is terribly unfair and ultimately ends up encouraging the best behaved to behave badly.
As passme said I doubt the teacher is bullying him but also not realising she isn't being fair.

DS1 played a beautiful violin solo in assembly today. He'd worked really hard and it showed. DS2 came out of school with a sticker for "not being naughty in assembly". No sticker for DS1 (who was a bit miffed). I don't think it's really the teachers' fault: they've got plenty of things to think about and consistency in sticker/merit awarding probably comes quite far down the list.

I do think the OP's teacher isn't being fair though.

Your title doesn't seem to relate to your OP.
To the title - I'd say "Not in my (pretty wide) experience". I've come across teachers who don't put as much efort in as others or who have lost their 'oomph' and I've even worked with one who was taken through incompetency procedures, but I've never come across one who bullies pupils. That is a very strong accusation, and you need to think hard before repeating that in real life.

To the post, that's a different question altogether. It sounds like the system isn't working well (if you have all the facts) but what I'd do is ask. In my dd's case, she hasn't got her 'silver' yet

Unfortunately, I think some teachers do bully. We had to remove our son from one primary school where we thought this was happening and talking to the teacher in question and head just hit a brick wall. Within a few weeks of moving him to the new school he was a different boy.

You need to ask about this as upset 8 year olds will view things even more negatively & it could be a simple oversight or DS might have behaved inappropriately? Not saying this is the case because I've no idea?

Yes like in any profession, you get bullies (sadly) & I agree with others that school prize systems appear to be fundamentally flawed. I recall my DS saying to me in about yr3, "mummy do you mind if I'm naughty next week because only the naughty children get pupil of th week. Today was DS prizegiving day & even now in yr11, he's still miffed because he's been overlooked yet again. He's played sport for his school 1st team, is on course for exceptional results, (predicted grades are at least 2 grades higher than suggested 2 years ago.) He's also been on the school council, debating & taken part in all house
charity events. No idea what it takes to be given an award but seems to me that what DS said back in year 3 may be true? Could be the same in your case?

Thanks -and I appreciate the comment about bully being strong word sorry, it just was written while I was angry.. I guess I feel he is, but I'm like a mummy bear!!

Thanks for sharing your own experiences the being naughty to get awards has been mentioned by my DS, he said the teacher is so busy with her pets, maybe I should swear a bit more!!

We had a long chat last night and talked about moving schools, but to be honest aside from this one issue the school is very good, so we are going to build on what we have. the plan is to have a conversation with the head about this system, and meanwhile we have looked into getting a tutor for the summer just 1 to 2 hours a week to bring back DS's love of learning and build his confidence.

He feels that he just about gets a subject and then they are on to the next thing, so he's just about keeping up. I'd love him to go back to school full of confidence in his ability and also show our support to the school, I'm still angry but can see that he will only pick up on this from us.

It's not about grades and awards for him but this has knocked his confidence.

My DH and I are rubbish teachers hence the tutor, we are great at life and sports and being loving parents but just not teachers in the "sit down learn" style!

Crowd control - some use picking on one or two children to keep the others in line. Some are fab teachers and don't need to do that. Some overlook the kids who are quiet and don't moan, some want an easy life and won't challenge another teacher's child.

The latter happened to me, I got a chair pulled out from under me, fell down, told off for making a noise, then threatened with detention when I asked why on earth would I have done that on purpose! She was even worse to the boys (who used to cry regularly before school aged 10). So yes I fully believe that some teachers may bully.

Yes some definitely do.

There is a girl in my dd's class who the teacher absolutely loves and rewards her for everything. DD and her friends say that the girl could scribble on a piece of paper and receive an art award!

Yet the teacher rarely gives praise to anyone else. If children talk in class they get a detention but if this girl talks the teacher pretends not to notice. Even when they sat some exams, this teacher came over to the girl in the dinner hall and wished her all the best, the other children were very shocked not to have been told the sam

Yes definitely. They play favourites and they bully. I was a favourite with a psycho crazy bitchmonster of a teacher which was lucky because all her targets got hit, punched and pushed over. As a teacher myself I know that in every year group there will be one or two children that you're just not keen on and it is important to make a conscious effort to treat everyone fairly. Some teachers just don't do that and let their like and dislike of children show very clearly. It's totally unprofessional and I would complain about it.

callindana - loving the terms crazy bitchmonster!

I just don't understand why him? he's pretty passive, silly and 8 years old, he can be away with the fairys some of the time, bit of a daydreamer, but he loves school, loves the social life and his class mates, hes made great friends.. I'm baffled as to why he would be targeted as annoying or not likeable, I do understand we can't be liked by everyone but really?

I've even gone as far as asking friends what he's like when round for teas and plays and asked very honest mates, they all say he's lovely polite a bit naughty but no more than their own 8 year olds, he's good good manners and is very kind to younger ones?? Yes they also say he's away with the fairys but I guess he's just one of lifes daydreamers!! It may come across as being rude or ignorant? but he's not to know that at his age surely?

Well hopefully the tutor will boost his confidence and said teacher next year will see that he's keen and hard working? who knows -I'm still pissed off!

I think our school runs exactly the same system. It's new this year and I don't like it much.

DD2 started off way ahead, then the teachers reined in giving stickers for good work to the academic ones and started giving them go effort and behaviour, I presume.

Anyway the whole thing has degenerated into a total muddle, with some DCs and classes still only on bronze while other classes have all had silver and many will end with golds.

I suspect the teachers will suddenly start giving them out at the original rate in the next two weeks to ensure every one gets silver by the end of the year.

DD2 is in Y6 and pretty blasé about the whole thing, but it must be annoying the younger ones.

Yeh it's always been a complete muddle to me as well there seems to be no right or wrong way to get the merits, seems random and unfair as the gold posts keep moving.

I just think they should do if but have set targets? But I totally disagree with the fact the merits are on the wall for all to see, so not only has my DS yet to get silver, the whole class knows it, and all the parents who visit the class room daily to talk about their darlings... so it's like a wall of shame for the ones who don't get them!!

Yes teachers do bully pupils and other teachers. I would make an appointment with the Head and explain how upset ds is at the moment.

Cabbage - it could well be nothing to do with him not being likeable - at my school the kids who got on the receiving end of the teacher were the quiet ones who kept their heads down, whose parents were not prepared to say anything. The gobby little gits, or those with parents who marched in and said they were not prepared to accept it, were left alone. I accepted stupid rules, but hated the way that rules only applied to some children!

OP I agree with what ohmygosh just said. You are a very nice and articulate person (judging by your posts on this thread) and I am sure I would enjoy chatting with you in RL. But you have to grasp the nettle here. just go and say all the stuff you said on here to the Teacher. Or even send a nice polite e-mail and see what comes out of it. take it to the Head Teacher maybe?
OK so the teacher may not like it, but at least you will both know where you stand.

The reward system - I will be honest and admit that some children slip through the radar. I do try to ensure that I reward pupils with house points fairly but there are children who are always being good and get HP, those who are poorly behaved and get HP when being good and those middle children whose behaviour is not poor or fantastic but perfectly fine. And they can get missed out.

I also award HP for work, effort, helping others. listening etc. As for Pupil / star of the week, I keep a record and ensure that all children get it for a good reason. Not a dubious reason.

I do not agree with over rewarding poorly behaved children. But incentives need to be found as do consequences.

Bullying - it is possible to get annoyed with certain children's behaviour. I try to treat all my pupils equally but poor and disruptive behaviour can get you down. If you want to see bullying, look at SMT and headteachers. They can bully.

I would make an appointment to have a word with the teacher to find out why. (and inadvertantly let the school secretary and the head know the reason for the appointment.)

Earlier this year, I noticed that DS had FAr fewer merits on the chart than all the rest of the class. I asked the teacher why- he said it was because ds oftne doesn't finish his work.

Fair enough- but since my visit DS has been showered with merits and I don't really think his work has improved that dramatically

Just think it's always good to let teachers know that these things are noticed.

I have been in exactly your situation and too damned right they bully. There are some children that they just don't like. You should speak to her and find out if there is an underlying problem that you are unaware of, but if there is something she should already have approached you imho. We are at the end of the school year, though, and hopefully he will have a different teacher next year. If you're not up to being confrontational you could couch it in terms of making sure he is up to standard next year etc.

Hi cabbagesoup:

I wonder if you DS is one of the better behaved boys and therefore slides beneath the teacher's radar. It may be that generally she/ he isn't calling his name all day long in the way he/ she may for other children and therefore gets noticed less.

I'd raise this with the teacher - but more in terms of his not getting merit points is really getting him down. It may shock the teacher into realising he/ she isn't giving your DS his due. And it also may reveal how others are getting merit points - for instance:

does your DS volunteer to help clear up?
does your DS volunteer to help a teacher carry things into/out class?
does your DS help other students?
does your DS do extra work?
does your DS work harder on something the teacher has asked him to do - learn times tables/ hand writing/ etc...?

My feeling is that your DS is upset and I'm sure the point of the merit card system isn't to upset your DS. So it seems a little thing to either catch the teacher before/ after school and ask for a brief word. If you're quite busy -possibly just e-mail the school and ask for a 5 minute appointment regarding merit cards. Explain that your DS is a bit upset that he's not getting merit points and you just want to meet to find out what the problem may be or how he can earn them.

I realise you hate the idea of doing this - but trust me you can't win as a parent. I have friends that take the don't interfere line and then there's me going to battle (although I chose them) - we both feel the school is unhappy with our approaches, but fortunately can see the funny side.

Anyway hang in there. I'm sure there is a simple solution and I'm sorry this has upset your DS.

I would make an appointment to speak to the teacher that you are concerned that your child is perhaps not doing as well as the others and asking how you can best support them? See what happens at the discussion. It could be that the teacher is disorganised and can't remember who has got which award? It is nearly the end of the academic year maybe hang on (assuming he will not have the same teacher next year) til then.