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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DS1 not invited to one of his good friend's party - would you say anything or just leave it?

41 replies

ceebeegeebies · 16/04/2012 09:31

I know people have the right to invite who they want to their party and I totally accept that but this boy is one of DS1's good friends so I am surprised that he wasn't invited.

The party was a couple of weeks ago but have only just found out as one of the other mums asked me why DS1 didn't go knowing that they were good friends.

This boy's mum was one of the first mums I got chatting to when they started school a couple of years ago and initially we organised playdates etc but it has tailed off - on my part, due to time as I work 4 days a week etc but no idea why it tailed off on the other mum's part. We don't really see each other at the school gate either as I only do drop-off twice a week and she is always late so not there to chat to and both boys go to after-school club 3 or 4 times a week so don't see her at pick-up time either.

DH thinks it is because I had the audacity to speak occasionally to her next-door neighbours who she hates with a vengeance

Again. I don't have a problem with it but I think it is unfair on DS1 to not be invited to one of his friend's party because the mum has some kind of problem with me - however, 2 days before the party, we went to a literacy evening at school and she couldn't have been more friendly with me Had she snubbed me at that evening it would make more sense that DS1 wasn't invited.

Dh thinks I should ask her next time I see her if X had a nice birthday party and watch her squirm see what she says.

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learnandsay · 16/04/2012 09:35

The other mum probably has some sort of problem. But it sounds as if it's probably too slight and too silly to worry about. Talking to people doesn't always get their mind right, anyway. So what could you possibly say to her? Excuse me, why are you so silly?

2cats2many · 16/04/2012 09:37

I think you should leave it. It really doesn't matter. At the end of the day, its just a kid's birthday party.

ToastofWar · 16/04/2012 09:40

How old are the boys?

Maybe he could only invite a certain number, maybe your son sees him as more of a friend than the other boy does, etc.

My DSs have made some odd choices (in my eyes) when selecting invitees (I do max 10 at parties) and I double and triple check with them to see if they are sure they don't want to invite someone I thought more 'worthy', but no, they stick with their original list .

Is your DS upset?

iseenodust · 16/04/2012 09:40

Just maybe on the day she asked her DS who he wanted he didn't say your DS? Doesn't mean they've had a fall out just on that day 5 other boys names came out first? I'd leave it.

festi · 16/04/2012 09:41

I would leave it, they cant invite evryone, dd has a group of close friends at school and she has not been invited to every party of thiers and she only invited 2 of these close friends to her party. I dont understand why parents see party invites as such a big deal.

FamiliesShareGerms · 16/04/2012 09:41

I'd really hope that she wouldn't exclude your son from the invite list because of any issues (real or otherwise) between you two... Maybe numbers were very limited, and her son chose other friends? (I am mean refuse to do the whole class invite thing, so there are always some people who are left off DS's party list. And in turn I don't expect him to go to every party in class) Or maybe the invite got waylaid eg if her son was supposed to hand them out.

Personally i'd just leave it, no harm done unless you want there to be. If you do anything, you might enquire whether her son had a nice birthday (NB not party!), which would only be polite anyway.

iseenodust · 16/04/2012 09:41

Bit of a x post there!

Original poster

ceebeegeebies · 16/04/2012 09:44

They are in Yr 1 so 5 and 6.

I realise they are old enough now to choose who they want to come but if it had been the other way round (i.e. DS1's birthday first), even if DS1 hadn't mentioned this other boys name I would have asked him if he wanted X to come and really tried to persuade him that he should invite X to his party - no way is he been invited to DS1's party now

DS1 is not upset as, afaik, he doesn't know about the party and the fact he wasn't invited - although I guess he might know about it today if other children talk about it.

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DeWe · 16/04/2012 09:45

If you approach her, then I'd approach her in a "has there been a problem" kind of way. ANd be prepared for her to tell you that something has happened.

My dd2 has fairly frequently not been invited to parties that I would expect her to from knowing who she plays with. Sometimes there have been other children that I'd have thought were way down the list. I've never asked directly the birthday person, though on one occasion a mutual friend asked, but having made careful inquiries, she seems to be consistantly round about the next 1-2 to be asked. We did have a couple who apologised for forgetting her, and I think there is a bit of "the party list" and if you're on it, that's fine, but if you drop off it then you get forgotten.

Dd1 otoh used to get asked to all parties-one year she had 20 out of 28 in her form. She actually has a much smaller social circle, so I've never quite understood why parties went that way round.

ToastofWar · 16/04/2012 09:51

But I assume you would invite him if DS1 insisted .

It's just one of those things that we all get used to when they start school. As someone upthread said, there will be/have been parties that mine have not been invited to.

Re the kids tlaking about the party, if your DS1 is anything like my 3, he will not be bothered. I tend to find out about other parties from the parents talking about them, not the kids .

festi · 16/04/2012 09:52

I think in y1 as my dd is, that some children approach friendship as more inclusive than having select frindships, my dd certainly does, as although there are 4 or 5 she regularly palys with she sees no loyalty to just these friends and sees everyone in her class as her best friend for one reason or another. I think limiting children and influancing thier friendships is a bit much at this age. in reception my dd was invited to every single party I would say had probably beed to 15 or 20 by now in reception, she has been to 3 only this year so far, I dont see it as a reflection of how poular she is or how many friends she has.

Original poster

ceebeegeebies · 16/04/2012 09:58

Toast yes I would invite him to DS1's party if DS1 really wanted him there - although I would do it with gritted teeth

I realise friendships are very movable at this age although DS1 has had the same best friend since he was 6 months old at nursery.

I know I sound like I care more than I do as I totally accept that DS1 is not going to be invited to every party - it just annoys me that she was so friendly with me 2 days before the party (we were stood outside chatting for at least 15 minutes after the event). If she had a problem with me, then tell me or ignore me but don't be hypocritical

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vigglewiggle · 16/04/2012 10:00

I don't give any thought to who should be inviting DD to their party. I let her choose whom she invites to her party, within the limitations of the capacity of the venue. Perhaps this mother takes a similar approach. Your child doesn't seem to be bothered, you don't see this woman anymore, so I wouldn't waste another moment thinking about it.

ToastofWar · 16/04/2012 10:05

But maybe she does not have a problem with you. Maybe it is simply about who her son chose to invite to his birthday party.

Honestly, as others have said, do not give it another thought

Greeata · 16/04/2012 10:06

But the party is nothing to do with how well you and her get along - it's about who he wanted at his party. There are many reasons why your ds didn't get invited - the invitation could have been lost even.

If you don't do playdates and never see the two ds play, how do you know that they are still close friends?

festi · 16/04/2012 10:06

but is it hypocritical your sons name did not come up on the birthday part list why should she not talk to you as a result, that would just be childish and awkward, it does not mean she has a problem with you just because ds was not invited.

You comment about ds having the same best friend since 6 months indicateds how you view your childrens friendships, a 6 month old baby is not able to form a best friend relationship, that has been formed and importnace of that friendship place by you and not your ds. my advice would be to step back and not get involved in your childs frindships unless they need to support.

Essene · 16/04/2012 10:10

I agree with others in saying leave it, it was his choice to invite who he wanted, your son wasn't one of them. That is hurtful, but intervening isn't really going to make it less hurtful.

That said, and I know you said your son knows nothing about the party, but are you absolutely sure he didn't receive an invitation and, not realising what it was, it got stuck in a drawer at school, or at the bottom of his bag? It has been known to happen to my kids.

ragged · 16/04/2012 10:10

Water under bridge, do not dredge it up. Can you still be friendly even if your DSs are not as friendly as you thought?
Do 6 month olds have best friends?

MegBusset · 16/04/2012 10:11

I would leave it. DS1 could only invite 10 kids to his party and as I let him choose, it was pretty much the first ten random kids he could name off the top of his head that day! I really don't think it matters.

mirry2 · 16/04/2012 10:16

This is a sensitive area. Could you get a mutual friend to ask in a very casual way? I don't think it really matters unless your dc is upset. It has happened to my dc and if I've known beforehand I've just arranged a really special outing on the same day and said she couldn't have gone anyway. There was one occasion when my dc's so-called very best friend didn't invite her- my dc was very upset and it so happened that our two families were going out together the following day but my dc refused to go because of not being invited the day before. It gave me the opportunity to bring it up with the other family because it seemed a very harsh decision bearing in mind they were in and out of each other's housed several times a week. even young children need to know that they have to be sensitive to the feelings of others.

Catsdontcare · 16/04/2012 10:16

Maybe she doesn't have an issue with you at all maybe she asked her son who he wanted to invite and your sons name didn't come come up. I would always continue to be friendly with someone even if their dc weren't about to be invited to a party. Leave it be

singinggirl · 16/04/2012 10:17

Do you know that he wasn't invited for sure? Could the invite have been lost/ left in a tray/ screwed up in the bottom of a book bag? DS1 once missed a party because of this, and now at 11 he remembers about the party but frequently still loses the invitation!

Original poster

ceebeegeebies · 16/04/2012 10:17

DS1 does have previous form for leaving party invites in his drawer (well he has done it once) so I wouldn't rule that out but if that was the case, why did she not ask me if DS1 was coming to the party it when we were chatting 2 days before so I do think it is highly unlikely.

Ok 6 month olds do not have best friends but you know what I meant! This other child and DS1 were at nursery together from that age and always played together at nursery (the staff told us they were and alway have been inseperable) and then they moved to the same school together so it has continued - they do have other friends so they do not have an exclusive friendship iyswim but they generally end up coming back together again.

I will not give it another thought - you are all probably right in that DS1 and X are not as close as I think they are and it wasn't a personal slight on me

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 16/04/2012 10:18

I would be really annoyed if people started asking me to justify who got invited to ds's party and would avoid you like the plague!

Original poster

ceebeegeebies · 16/04/2012 10:19

mirry your poor DD - just out of interest, what did they say was the reason why your DD wasn't invited?

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