The thread I never thought I'd be writing - reception DD really unhappy in school. Not sure what O can do?

[FAKE]

DD is 4 and started reception in Sept.

She'd previously been in nursery 3 days a week since she was a year old. She absolutely loved nursery, had lots of friends, loved her 'teachers'.

She started school last year and struggled a bit at first understandably, but seemed to settle in after half term. She was invited to a couple of school friends houses to play and seemed happy.

But something has changed since Xmas, probably since the end of January really.

She started crying before school and claiming she's ill (cue fake coughing...). She says she plays with no one at play time and has no friends. She says certain children push or hit her or make up stories about her and this upsets her.

She's definitely a lot more sullen at home and seems sad. She has been drawing lots of pictures of herself crying or with a sad face. She has 2 imaginary friends that have appeared fairly recently - she "plays" with them a lot at playtimes apparently...

She's not very clear when I ask what's wrong - it has taken me about a week to tease the above information out of her.

She has definitely not her usual self, it's heartbreaking to see really :(

I'm at a lose to understand why she's so lonely at school, because it's so outside my experience of her. She's definitely not a shy quiet child, quite the opposite - she's always been confident and outgoing, noticeably so as other people have always commented on it. She's always played really nicely with her friends outside of school / from nursery and they genuinely like her.

I not sure whether the hitting / making up stories is general crap that goes on at school and is to be expected to some extent. She is very sensitive and takes things to heart.

Soooo it got to the point where it's been going on for over a month now and I feel I need to do something, I'm not really not sure what :(

The teacher is a bit unsympathetic TBH, when she comes in crying you can tell he thinks she's being a nuisance. I'm not sure there is anything he can do WRT friendships.

I haven't spoken to him about this just yet as I don't get chance to speak to him privately at drop off / pick up (I don't want DD to overhear) and I'm at work during the school day.

We have parents evening next week, DH and I are definitely going to ask some serious questions. But realistically what can we expect them to do? What would you do in this situation? DH thinks we should consider moving schools but I think this is a little hasty....

Sorry for the essay, any help would be apprecitated

You must tell the school and get this problem sorted. The school needs children to learn and make progress and they won?t if they are unhappy.

If you are not happy with the teacher then it?s entirely appropriate to approach the Head. Also, tell the Head that you are very unhappy with the teachers? response.

(oops)
Don?t wait until Parents evening. Tell the school now and check what progress has been made at the parents evening.

If you are not happy with the teacher then it?s entirely appropriate to approach the Head.

No, it isn't.
If you talk to the teacher, and are unhappy with that, then you should talk to the Head. There's no point going over the class teacher simply because you think he can't do anything.

... If you talk to the teacher, and are unhappy with that, then you should talk to the Head. ...
Yep, that's what I meant to say.

Aw, how sad. It's probably just all a bit overwhelming for her. I had a few problems with my DS when he started. when I suggested a meeting with the teacher, they insisted DS came too - I wasn't sure about that, but it was definitely the best thing to do. All three of us sat and talked about why he was finding things tricky and we came up with strategies which my son agreed might help him to to cope.

In his case, the teacher suggested DS could have a job each morning to take his mind off me leaving. He also had a 'friendship circle', so 3 other nice kids who looked out for him. If he looked sad they had to try and cheer him up, and if they couldn't do that, they had to tell an adult. There was also an elder child who was assigned to be his mentor. Yr6 girl, who acted like a big sister and came and found him in the playground and at lunchtime to see if he was okay. It all worked really well, so I hope your teacher ends up being as good as ours.

This is what we did when faced with a similar problem - because DD wasn't yet 5 we took her out of school (deregistered) and finished off the reception year home educating. Then we applied to a different school for Yr 1. It worked for DD and she's very happy now. She had two terms at home, learning to read and write with me. It gave her the break she needed, and was ready for a fresh start.

It's really hard to see, partly because you're never quite sure about what they are saying. I don't mean they're lying, just that sometimes they have a distorted view / memory of the day. My DD was like this last year (Yr1) from Jan all the way through until summer. I was on the brink of Home Ed. But she had had a difficult year and really struggled with reading, and knew it! Over the summer I continued to read with her and practise etc but also build her confidence in other areas and this year has been a completely different story.

Is your DD more unhappy about the friend / playground stuff (arrange more out of school playdates to help build friendships?), or could it be work related? Maybe she's just realised school is about work rather than playing and is a bit fed up about it? Maybe she's finding it hard?

Smee has some good suggestions. Also talking to her about a bit of the day she liked? But I tried all that and it still didn't make a difference. I think a reception teacher should be experienced with this sort of thing and be more sympathetic though, and come up with some suggestions. Maybe the sunnier weather will help.... if not, cross fingers for next September.

Thanks for your advice.

I spoke to the teacher very briefly this morning, He says he's not aware of any problems but that DD is a bit of a 'drama queen'. TBH his phasing of this has annoyed me. For a start he would never say that about a boy would he? GRrrrrrrr

Yes she is sensitive I am aware of this. And she's liable to make a fuss (cries etc) when she's not happy about something (say if someone calls her a name or pushes her). But I don't think this is that unusual in a 4 yo, is it? And obviously she wouldn't be crying if she was generally happy, she is making a fuss because she isn't happy.

I'm hopefully going to catch the teacher for a longer chat at home time today so I'll let you know how I get on.

Home education is not an option as both DH and I work and need to keep doing so!

It is definitely not the work she struggling with, she's doing really well with her reading and writing and I absolutely no concerns there. They still do loads of playing, and they are mixed with the nursery class in reception, so the work thing is still very low key at the moment.

So yeah it's just the friend / playground thing I think.

No one will be pushing or making up stories - they will just be getting on with their lives and playing, and she will be feeling excluded. If she does have drama queen tendencies (I have a Ds with them) then this won't be helping.

School have lots of ways to ease slightly excluded children (I don't mean they are being actively excluded, just haven't found themselves in the centre of a social circle yet) into play. I bet they have a friendship stop or bench in the playground already, and a buddy system they can implement if dd would benefit.

This is really really ordinary territory for yr r. You just need to work with the school. Dd also needs to learn that she is going to have to work at it a little bit.

Dd2 takes a looooooong time to build a friendship ground when we move. She has cp and so is immediately 'different', so we're more than familiar with all of the social support available.

Just explain to the teacher that it is really affecting dd. if he continues with the drama queen line, that's fine (there usually are children in yr r that are 'needier than others and require fairly constant reassurance from the teacher etc - but they do eventually learn to 'share' the teachers affections in the same way that older sailings learn to share mums when a baby comes along) but you need to ask him what he intends to do about it. Ds is the worst drama queen I know. He only has to stub his toe and he limps for three days if people watch him. Up, it's not a great turn of phrase from a gender pov, but it is accepted shorthand for that sort of behaviour.

Poor dd. hope they manage to integrate her into a friendship group soon. It's usually easy enough once they know the situation.

If things don't improve you might have to persuade the school to put her in another class, supposing her school has more than one Reception class. Sounds as though the teacher's dismissive attitude could well be a contributing factor. Even the head can't make a teacher care. The head might be able to persuade that teacher to communicate his indifference less to parents. But that won't make him more of a caring individual.

I really really hate autocorrect.

Siblings. Etc etc

I feel a bit angry on your behalf about the teacher's response.

In my (limited) experience, sometimes a child doesn't really understand what is making them unhappy themselves, let alone express it.

Is she very bright or very mature for her age. My son is quite an "old soul" and in Reception I found that the boys all wanted to run around play fighting whereas he wanted to play more role-playing / organised games but the other boys just weren't in the same place. Now he is in Year 1 the boys are more inclined to play like that so he is interacting with other children much better.

Do you think it could be something similar?

p.s. to add, friendships are VERY fluid in Reception, so if she isn't playing with many now, you don't need to worry that she is missing the chance to make friends or anything like that, children usually haven't established firm allegances yet at this stage.

Madwoman they pushing her and making up stories. Dd has given me specific examples of when this has happened. I do realise that to some extent this is part and parcel of school life to some extent and she does need to grow a thicker skin. But that will take time and she is only 4 goddamn it!!

how is she with playdates?

It is important to establish for sure whether this is malicious pushing or jostling which you often get with 30 impatient 4 years old not yet very good at turn-taking etc.

Obviously the former needs to be dealt with a much more heavy-handed approach than the latter (which still needs to be addressed but with a slightly different approach)

I don't believe for one moment it's malicious. And it won't be directed at dd, specifically(unless she is actively taking part in it herself). Not in yr r. Yr 2, yep. Absolutely. But not in yr r. It'll just be little kids bumping and being clumsy, and robust. And being silly. Not 'making up stories' to be deliberately spiteful.

If it was meaningful shoving and mean stories, it would be obvious. 4 yos are born tattlers and the teacher would be more than aware of it.

Well a certain child told all the other children that dd pulled their hair so none would play with her (she insists she didn't and they are lying) that's just one example. A certain child has hit her more than once and dd says shes too scared to move to go and tell the teacher because the child follows her. So it does seem delibrate but I don't know if she is being specifically tatgetted or theres a lot of this going on...

Of course 4 year olds are capable of pushing and making up stories about schoolmates! It happens all the time as they settle into their new school, trying to assert some control.
The teacher's reaction was rubbish. Go and see the head OP.

better she is fine playing with other children elsewhere, and she was fine at nursery that's why this is a shock to me. I really didn't expect her to hav these probs

It's really very ordinary yr r issue... The school will have lots of ways to deal with it. Very very normal.

It's grim for kids and parents whilst it gets sorted, but in every yr r there are several kids who find themselves on the periphery. Just ask the ct to observe playtime for a few days and then implement the well worn social supports.

Well a certain child told all the other children that dd pulled their hair so none would play with her (she insists she didn't and they are lying) that's just one example.

I think this kind of stuff just happens. No-one would play with her? I bet there were a few who weren't even aware of it. Usually everyone has forgotten by the next day. I think this is slight thick skin/ thinking up ways of dealing with it type stuff. eg. join someone else's game, start your own that looks so interesting everyone else wants to join in / playtime only lasts 20 mins.

The hitting is different and I would talk further with staff about that if it continues.

Sorry to hear your daughter's struggles. We have experienced similar and it can be heartbreaking. Things have improved in yr 1 as ds matures and just gets more used to being at school but we have also found playdates will classmates a big help.

The teacher sounds unhelpful and it was unprofessional of him to label your DD a drama queen. Would complain to the head.

And of course 4/5yr olds are capable of being actively mean!

Labelled a "drama queen" at age 4? How utterly awful.

I'm afraid that will follow her through the school unless you do something about it now, and unfortunately, children have an awful habit of living up to labels they are given at such a young age as they come to realise it's what teacher expects of them.

Please go and see this teacher, or Head of Year as soon as you can.