The thread I never thought I'd be writing - reception DD really unhappy in school. Not sure what O can do?

[FAKE]

DD is 4 and started reception in Sept.

She'd previously been in nursery 3 days a week since she was a year old. She absolutely loved nursery, had lots of friends, loved her 'teachers'.

She started school last year and struggled a bit at first understandably, but seemed to settle in after half term. She was invited to a couple of school friends houses to play and seemed happy.

But something has changed since Xmas, probably since the end of January really.

She started crying before school and claiming she's ill (cue fake coughing...). She says she plays with no one at play time and has no friends. She says certain children push or hit her or make up stories about her and this upsets her.

She's definitely a lot more sullen at home and seems sad. She has been drawing lots of pictures of herself crying or with a sad face. She has 2 imaginary friends that have appeared fairly recently - she "plays" with them a lot at playtimes apparently...

She's not very clear when I ask what's wrong - it has taken me about a week to tease the above information out of her.

She has definitely not her usual self, it's heartbreaking to see really :(

I'm at a lose to understand why she's so lonely at school, because it's so outside my experience of her. She's definitely not a shy quiet child, quite the opposite - she's always been confident and outgoing, noticeably so as other people have always commented on it. She's always played really nicely with her friends outside of school / from nursery and they genuinely like her.

I not sure whether the hitting / making up stories is general crap that goes on at school and is to be expected to some extent. She is very sensitive and takes things to heart.

Soooo it got to the point where it's been going on for over a month now and I feel I need to do something, I'm not really not sure what :(

The teacher is a bit unsympathetic TBH, when she comes in crying you can tell he thinks she's being a nuisance. I'm not sure there is anything he can do WRT friendships.

I haven't spoken to him about this just yet as I don't get chance to speak to him privately at drop off / pick up (I don't want DD to overhear) and I'm at work during the school day.

We have parents evening next week, DH and I are definitely going to ask some serious questions. But realistically what can we expect them to do? What would you do in this situation? DH thinks we should consider moving schools but I think this is a little hasty....

Sorry for the essay, any help would be apprecitated

Nonsense.

Drama queen in yr r just means she is one of the needier children who demand a lot of the teacher's attention. Loads of kids struggle with the dynamics of becoming one of 30, instead of having an adult at their immediate beck and call. It won't follow her anywhere, she'll just get used to being one of many, and the 'label' will disappear.

She does sound as though she's struggling socially, which might be exacerbating her neediness, though, so the teacher needs to get on and sort it out.

Ask her if they have a friendship bench or a buddy system. Or of the lunchtime supervisors run activities or link up lonely kids with peer groups. And just get the teacher to keep an eye on her. It can be sorted v easily.

Poor little thing, do try and sort it out with the teacher. We had a brief period where it was similar for my DD (also in reception). She feigned illness and became v clingy after Xmas; it transpired that 2 boys were actively being 'mean' to her. I didn't automatically take her word as gospel but I did talk to her teacher who confirmed that one of them is often in trouble. Having volunteered on a class trip and seen him punch another child in the face, I can assure you that year R children can be horrible.
Talk to the teacher, tell DD to be assertive if anything happens (ie speak up, NOT hit back) and give her reassurance. It is hard when they're upset but I wouldn't consider moving schools unless it's a really serious problem.
The drama queen comment is very off I think.

Madwoman I don't think you've read my posts properly, or at least I'm not making myself clear.

DD has been in nursery 3 days a week since she was 1, she is completely and utterly used to being one of many children. And we never had any comments about demanding behaviour or anything else in the 3 years she was in nursery. She settled in to nursery really quickly, we never had any problems when she moved rooms or changed key workers. She has many friends from nursery and the staff liked her and still ask about her and ask her to go in and visit.

I don't think she is being demanding or needy of the teachers attention, the teacher says it's more that she's tearful or upset easily. Which, if she's unhappy, is not surprising.

I have spoken to the teacher this afternoon, and apparently they are aware of the boy who has been hitting her already and have put things in place to 'improve the situation'. And the staff are going to keep an eye out for her at play time and make sure she's ok. So we'll see the things improve.

Madwoman - the OP's DD has been in nursery since the age of 1, so is not used to having an adult 'at her beck and call'.

OP, I too would be very miffed if my unhappy child was described as a 'drama queen'. Good luck sorting this out with him/the head.

X-posts.

OP - good to hear they are going to do something about it. Fingers crossed for your DD!

op my dd is also four and in reception. She is better this term than last but still finds it hard and she also is sensitive and hates any mean-ness etc. She gets really upset by the "I'm not your friend any more" type stuff that a lot of little girls do. My elder child was seriously unhappy in year one, and we home schooled for two terms and then tried her again in a new school. Partly because of this we talk to the teacher when dd2 isn't happy and she tries to resolve things. I would be appalled if she called her a drama queen. I am really stunned he said that to you, he he completely trivialising her unhappiness. I would complain to the head and if you get no support then change schools. Four is too small to be unhappy for weeks and she should be supported in enjoying this reception year.

I agree hellymelly.

And I bet he hasn't told the parents of the boy who's been hitting her that he's a 'thug'. I can't see how this is any different. It's negatively labelling what actually fairly normal behaviour at this age (hitting out, getting upset easily).

I'm still not 100% happy with his response to "keep an eye on her at play time" I think it sounds a bit wishy washy. But we have parents evening next week, so we'll see if things improve over the next week or so. If they don't I will be speaking to the head of infants.

I am glad you sorted it - but I would say that my DS -also with drama queen tendancies - although I would have been a bit annoyed if someone had said it - also very used to other children/pre school etc also found it hard going at times in reception - there did seem to be more meaness - and more complicated social activity- we did keep the school on board - but it settled down later on in reception

If , as an adult at work, you were dealing with pushing or hitting, or you had people making up stories about you, then all your friends would be really horrified and no-one would accuse you of being a Drama queen. Just because a child is small isn't a reason to not be sympathetic when things in their world are difficult. They may seem trivial issues to the teacher, but I'm sure they seem huge to your DD and he should realise that and be helping her resolve things and he should also be dealing strongly with any hitting. She should feel safe at school ,and cared for.

FAKE said- DD is a bit of a 'drama queen'. TBH his phasing of this has annoyed me. For a start he would never say that about a boy would he?

I expect they would. My DS is " a bit of a drama queen" . I , the teacher and TA in Year R all knew it and referred to him as such. He is calming down a bit now in yr 1 and doesn't burst into theatrical tears if X touches him or his drink gets spilt.

Ratios for nursery - 1:8.

Ratios for yr r - 1: 30. With a TA if you are lucky.

Glad he's going to keep an eye on her at break though. Hope it's sorted soon.

I'm not saying dd isn't finding it tough - I said earlier it was the pits for both child and parent when a kid has social difficulties. But it is very easily solved, and very common in this age group.

Helly, the sort of argy bargy that goes on in yr r really isn't comparable to an adult work environment. and it won't be a concerted hate campaign, just a couple of little children being silly, and the op's daughter being fragile and taking it too literally.

The head of infants will know the social supports they use all the time, and will be able to remind the teacher of them if he has forgotten since he last had to use them.

Do you have a problem with the teacher being a man? I've been studiously ignoring it, but you seem to be desperately trying to imply that he can't be sympathetic or cope adequately with a needier or emotionally more fragile child for some reason?

Something to remember is that she was at nursery for around 3 years, she knew the place, they knew her - changing to school has probably been a big shock to her.

One family I know their dd was the "Queen Bee" at nursery, they couldn't understand why she struggled in reception... she was bossy and the other children couldn't be bothered with it!

No I don't give a flying fuck that the teacher is male. You seem to be desperately trying to imply that this is in some way my problem madwoman
why is that?

Thanks to those who have been helpful / supportive.

I have never heard a reception age child referred to by a teacher as a "drama queen" and think it is inappropriate.
"Keeping an eye" on the situation is the best that can be hoped for, if there are further issues then hopefully they will be dealt with.

Madwoman I really hope you are not a teacher, because you don't sound very sympathetic to small reception children.

My dd was similar, although started Reception, cheerful, enthusiastic and keen to learn. Also had been in nursery since a year old, outgoing, confident, not clingy.

Just after Christmas in Reception, she seemed to 'switch off' and started not to be so keen to go to school, although the teacher said she was fine.

Year 1, still seemed sad a lot of the time, didn't want to go to school. I was told by the teachers that when she was there, she was happy and joined in, but I could see my confident little girl disappearing. She couldn't seem to explain exactly what was wrong.

During the summer holidays, before Year 2, my dd started to come back to us again, confidence improved, happier generally, but we were starting to have our worries about the school. We took the decision to move her at the start of Year 2.

It was the best thing we did, our happy confident child is fully back with us. We still have a few hangups, she says she is rubbish at maths, because she was told she was by her old school and put on the lowest table, she also has low self esteem when it comes to things that are a little bit harder and can be negative, but that is also improving with a great teacher for whom negativity just doesn't exist.

I wish we had taken action sooner and started asking questions in Reception and not leaving it - something wasn't right (we still don't really know what!), but we should have gone with our gut feeling then and not waited.

Don't let it go, keep on top of it and make sure the teacher is not being negative towards your dd, especially if she is sensitive and take action now.

I wish we had.

There is a possibility that this is nothing to do with school at all. She may just not want to leave you.

fake when we were looking around primary schools we noticed a lot emphasised what they do to ensure that everyone fits in and has friends to play with - a friends 'bus' stop seemed to be quite popular whereby if anyone was sitting there it meant they had no-one to play with and others would know that they were to go and get them to join in (this might be the older children who would then get them involved with others or the teacher). I thought what an excellent idea it was and it showed that children being happy and involved was important to them.

I think that every aspect of your childs life at school is important and the school should do whatever it reasonably can in order to assist your child in the transition and keep you involved in this.

I also agree however that things can change quite quickly and maybe a few strategies of helping her to be more involved in others at play time etc may make her feel less isolated and start to enjoy herself and increase her confidence with the other children - as you have said yourself you know she is capable of making and maitaining good relationships as she has experience of this at nursery and I think this is something she just needs to establish in a new setting.

I agree with you that I wouldn't move schools just yet, I would be looking to see what can be done to assist her at this time, but if the school are not helpful in looking what can be done I would then definitely look around other schools.

Good luck x

My D has just turned 5 - she started reception in Sept. A month or so before the Christmas hols she started coming home saying that a certain girl had been mean to her and made her cry.This was several times a week but I didn't take much notice and just said to try and play nicely together.

Then,during the holidays I witnessed an incident at a birthday party (child's mother not present). Five minutes after we had arrived child screamed in D's face "don't even look at me D" and pushed her over.

At the start of term I approached the teachers (three of them) and asked that the situation was kept an eye on and also suggested a general chat about being kind to each other.

I have also said that if things are happening that she doesn't like D must say loudly "I don't like it when you do/say that to me,stop!"

The situation has improved ,she still sometimes says things have happened but she now also tells me how she dealt with the situation and is no longer upset.

We have parents evening next week so will catch up with teacher then.

Despite what one poster is determined to say, pushing and being mean is not OK and yes happens a LOT at this age. My DS is in nursery at his school, so a year younger, and the boys in partic. went through a very bad phase of pushing and hitting (to the point where DS would be pushed over and hit his head). This is very normal for this age group, sadly.

There is also a LOT of 'you're not my friend'/'I don't want to play with you' and that kind of spiteful behaviour from both girls and boys.

DS' teacher confirmed that this is to be expected at that age and yes it actually does happen!

BUT your DD's teacher is being utterly rubbish. Some kids are sensitive and need more support socially. My DS was one of them but rather than being labelled as a PITA he was given extra support and now loves school. Kindness and patience is what she needs, not to learn that needing help is somehow not OK. That's a very damaging lesson for such a young child to learn.

And the kids had 'lessons' on hitting/pushing, and also how to be a good friend.

We did stuff at school, and also lots at home. We worked on building up DS's confidence, taiught him how to ask for help, how to get an adults' attention, how to say 'no, I don't like that' in a loud voice, also did lots more play dates and social stuff outside school to build friendship groups. It all really helped. Also important to teach your DD that teachers don't always hear a child asking for help, and do sometimes get it wrong - that's also important for a sensitive child to learn as they can get a bit crushed if they pluck up courage to ask for help then the teACHER doesn't hear them or mis-hears them!

It's not all down to you though, and the stuff we did at home we developed in partnership with the school.

DS now loves school - after crying his heart out every morning he now happily runs in without a backward glance. Good luck. Your DD is NOT a drama queen - I am angry on her behalf!

madwoman your last post is hugely unfair- OP has said nothing untoward about the teacher being male. Why are you trying to discredit the seriousness of this child being unhappy in school?

I have a dd in Reception who is very shy, sensitive, but also quite stubborn and can be a bit of a drama queen (my words! If her teacher used that term I would be spitting feathers!). I don't agree with posters who say ah well, this is just what small children are like in the playground, and shrug their shoulders. Yes it is normal behaviour but that does not mean it should just be ignored. A good teacher should be sympathetic and kind and work with a child to increase their confidence and wellbeing in the classroom, not be dismissive of a child's unhappiness. It breaks my heart to hear of 4 year olds in tears at having to go into an uncaring environment.
OP I hope things improve for your dd!

They all find it hard to settle into reception and get used to the ways of school and each other. Your DD may be being thin-skinned and need a hit of support toughening up. My DS is reception and a complete gentle giant - the sort who would accidentally knock a child down as a toddler because he was giving them a hug. It's always been commented on how thoughtful he is with younger children and very caring with someone who's sad/hurt. But a patent had made a complaint about him to the class teacher! The teacher has indicated to me that she hadn't taken it seriously because she's observing the interaction between the two children, but it does high light that a lot can get lost in translation with 4/5 year olds! I have also told DS to try not to be giddy and remember he is bigger than the other children, might hurt them without meaning to...

not trying to discredit it at all, rather take some of the emotion out of it, because it is a really very common problem. as i've continuously said, it's awful for the child, and awful for the parents. but it's very common, and very easily dealt with.

i only asked if she had a problem with the male teacher because of the contunued references to 'drama queen', ' bet he wouldn't have called a boy a thug' etc etc, and the fact that she had mentioned a couple of times that he was a male teacher for no particularly relevant reason. so just checking that there was no underlying reason for the op to be unhappy with the teacher (who has probably dealt with a fair few crying yr r children, and children that are struggling socially). i know there are mners that think men shouldn't be anywhere near nurseries or caring roles (check out some of the fairly lengthy paedo behind every bush threads). thankfully the op isn't one them, but worth checking.

i don't have any particular beef. sure, some yr r children can be a more robust than others. sure, some children have trouble settling in the much larger and less adult oriented environment of school. and if you're unhappy because you feel alone and teary at playtime, that is going to affect your ability to rebuff ordinary jostling at other times. i'm perfectly willing to believe some of you know really genuinely awful bullying 4 yos who will punch and pull hair repetitively. generally speaking, it really doesn't amount ot much in a yr r context. but does get blown out of proportion when the 'victim' is unhappy to start with.

and like i said. it's awful when they're unhappy. but it can be be dealt with really easily. the teacher already said he would keep an eye at playtime and observe the dd, and he'll just put in place the well worn social helps that they use every time for lonely children. friendship bench, buddy system. and if that doesn't work, they'll circle time stuff, and even do friendship small group work.

and like i keep saying, op - hope your dd settles soon.

i haven't read the last couple of pages tbh - the solution is pretty easy, and the discussion has gone off on a bit of a tangent. apols if i inadvertently misdirected it briefly. i only popped on to say it was v normal and school would deal but everyone seems to be adamant that this isn't an ordinary everyday yr r event, so i'll nod and smile, and let the wiser ones carry on. hope it's fixed fast. x

Had similar with dd; only resolved when home-schooled then new school with emphasis on emotional/social education.
Don't accept school's judgement of dd - it's their responsibility not hers

Madwoman you seem to be reading a different thread to everyone else.

Firstly I haven't made any special reference to the fact that he's a male teacher. I've only ever referred to him as HE or HIM when talking about him. I haven't said "the teacher WHO IS A MAN" or anything remotely similar. It would appear you're the one with he problem about his gender as your the only person who keeps bringing it up!

Secondly the school doesn't have a friendship bench or buddy system, the teacher hasn't mentioned anything like this so I don't know why you keep harping on about it. I've just had a vague reassurance that they'll keep an eye on her. And how on earth are you so sure how / whether the school will deal with it successfully? Do you actually know how every school in the country deal with these things, or are you just blabbering on about your very limited experience with schools your children have attended?