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Original poster

DS (4) Breaking Down Going Into School

35 replies

Swed · 13/03/2012 11:32

Youngest son started reception last September (he's a July baby, so very young for his year) and settled in exceptionally well and has made lots of lovely friends. He also has lovely teachers and is doing very well. However, since half term he has been breaking down in the mornings going into school. Just clinging onto my legs and quietly breaking down. One of the teachers has to come peel him off me every morning and it's become a horrid way to start the day. He does this to DH too.

He is absolutely fine getting up for school, getting ready for school and walking to school but he just breaks down at the last minute. We've asked him why and he says: "I just love home so much and I miss Mummy/Daddy too much. The day at school is long." Sad

I'm pretty certain there's nothing going on at school. So how do we manage to break this pattern? It's a horrid way to part company in the morning. I leave him feeling totally rotten and walk to school feeling a bit tense in anticipation. But it feels all wrong to teach him to suppress his feelings. Ugh.

Please, wise Mumsnetters, how do I break this cycle?

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redskyatnight · 13/03/2012 11:54

With DD, we encouraged her to go in with a friend (so they focus on their friend and not leaving you). Or can the teacher give him a "special" job to do as soon as he gets to school?

I was still peeling DS off me in Y2 (sorry, not what you want to hear).

whojamaflip · 13/03/2012 12:04

We have this with DS2 (4) at the mo - every morning its "Day off today?" with such a hopeful look on his face. Not sure how he is at drop off as I am a cruel mummy send him on the bus with his big db and dsis but I know he doesn't want to go. Have spoken to school and he's fine there so I've put it down to the fact that its nearly the end of term and he is tired and needs a rest.

It might be different after the Easter hols

Original poster
Swed · 13/03/2012 12:14

redsky - Y2? Noooooooo. But thanks for the help. The teachers do try to give him little jobs on arrival but he just resists. But the friend idea is a good one.

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gabid · 13/03/2012 12:46

I have seen periods of that with many DC at my DS's school during R and Y1, not so much in Y2.

Hm, if he is only 4 he may just get very tired at the end of the day? Could you make it 1/2 days for him for the summer term if he isn't coping so well after all.

Or, could you ask to stay on for a while until he is busy and engaged with something.

Otherwise, just wait for the phase to pass.

Original poster
Swed · 13/03/2012 12:51

Gabid - But this is going into school in the morning, every morning, inclduing Monday morning. I don't think he's tired. He sleeps very well and is a willing early bedder and wakes of his own accord. But yes, he is only 4.

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gabid · 13/03/2012 13:10

Hm, my DS never liked nursery, he said that it takes too long. However, he didn't mind going into pre-school which only took 3 hours. Even if it's not tiredness, it might be the long day and at age 4 you are allowed to do that.

That way he would have a happy summer term and can start afresh in September.

Looksgoodingravy · 13/03/2012 13:10

Ds who is also in Reception occasionally does this and has his 'off' days, he's also the oldest in his year (September born). I found a reward chart helped greatly (I know not everbodies cup of tea) we had a 5 star rule and if ds went into school with a happy smiley face and no fuss he would get a star, on Friday if he'd done well and had 5 stars he'd get a small surprise, £1 car in ds case. This seemed to break the cycle, also got ds involved in picking which colour star and on really off days I took two stars to school in my pocket and asked him just before going in which colour he wanted on his chart that night, just to focus on something else for a few moments. We have eventually dropped this and ds goes in happy as anything (other issues going on atm but not going to go into on your thread) we have continued to use the star chart for homework though which has also helped.

Looksgoodingravy · 13/03/2012 13:10

Ds who is also in Reception occasionally does this and has his 'off' days, he's also the oldest in his year (September born). I found a reward chart helped greatly (I know not everbodies cup of tea) we had a 5 star rule and if ds went into school with a happy smiley face and no fuss he would get a star, on Friday if he'd done well and had 5 stars he'd get a small surprise, £1 car in ds case. This seemed to break the cycle, also got ds involved in picking which colour star and on really off days I took two stars to school in my pocket and asked him just before going in which colour he wanted on his chart that night, just to focus on something else for a few moments. We have eventually dropped this and ds goes in happy as anything (other issues going on atm but not going to go into on your thread) we have continued to use the star chart for homework though which has also helped.

Original poster
Swed · 13/03/2012 13:14

Gabid - Are you allowed to do that? Even after Easter in the term in which he will turn 5?

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gabid · 13/03/2012 13:26

I think so, but not 100%. But I would find out if my 4yo refused to go into school for a prolonged period of time.

Besides, I am one of those who do think that 4 year olds shouldn't be at school at all.

Looksgoodingravy · 13/03/2012 13:32

I think cutting down the hours your dc attends school would give mixed signals really, it's not something I would have done, took ds quite a while to settle at pre-school (private nursery) but we persevered and in the end he loved it there. There's a two week Easter break soon and then another week in June and then the big Summer holiday, before you know it September will be here.

Dillie · 13/03/2012 13:46

My dd was an August baby, and looking back she was not really ready. It was when they started in january but i now understand they all start in september? If she was born 2 years later, there is no way she would have coped!

Having said that she is in yr 2 now and loves going to school and her confidence is amazing considering how she was.

At the time is was horrible, but with the support of the school we got over her problems. Have you had a chat with the teachers? My dd had a real problem with all the hub bub at the start of the day with kids running around, teachers shouting trying to get some sort of order. Plus being one of the youngest, she was also the smallest, so just getting her to the cloak room scared the poor thing to death. In the end, we got to school 5 minutes later than everyone else so the rush had ended. Once she got used to the idea she was ok. Still had her off days, but as the year progressed it got gradually easier. I literally had to had her to the teacher and walk away. It was heartbreaking as all I could hear was her crying and yelling after me :(

By year 1 she found her feet and the only time we now have a few problems is if she is under the weather or if there is a change in routine (new lessons etc)

Can't really offer any advice apart from persevere even though it hurts :( I am sure he is fine once in and playing with his friends :)

grubbalo · 13/03/2012 14:13

My DS's teacher has a row of pictures up on the wall which maps out the day. Everything is on there, from register to snack to phonics to lunch etc etc. She says it really helps the little ones get through the day, as they can then visualise how far through they are. I know that would be a big ask of a teacher from scratch, but do you think she / he might consider something similar?

DS is also 5 in July btw.

Runoutofideas · 13/03/2012 14:16

My dd2 sounds very similar although we have had a breakthrough since half term with no tears. It sounds like maybe your ds has got in the habit of crying every morning and needs something different to happen to break him out of the habit. Could you get a friend with a child in his class to take him in for a few days and see if that helps, or a grandparent? With dd2 it was that she was desperate for me to help in her class (parents sign up on a rota for one afternoon a week) and I said i wouldn't be allowed to do it if she kept getting upset. This seemed to be enough for her, although it did happen at a time when she was feeling more settled anyway...

Just as an aside, there hasn't been chat in his class about going up to Yr1 yet has there? I remember when this happened to dd1 and she realised she'd have to move on from reception and it unsettled her for a while.

Original poster
Swed · 13/03/2012 14:17

Looksgood - thanks. Useful advice.

Gabid - I feel like you but actually DS3 is really enjoying all the reading and writing and numbers n stuff. Far more than DD who was old for her year. I've now revised my stance to being not keen on forced formal learning below the age of 7. Grin

Dillie - Nice to know it worked out for your DD in the end. Thanks.

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Dillie · 13/03/2012 15:26

Oo meant to add, is he able to take a little toy in with him? My dd's school allowed her to take in a very small teddy that fitted in her book bag or draw. Not sure how, but it did help a little too. I think it's that little something that helps reassure them :)

Original poster
Swed · 13/03/2012 15:35

Dillie - He takes in a huge bag full of toys every day. DD calls him the bag lady. Grin

Ahhh they are so good his teachers. I just picked him up and they invited me in to find him sitting in front of the computer with his class teacher finding stickers, Star Wars ones. They have made him a chart and he is going to get to choose a sticker tp put on the chart in exchange for a morning smile on arrival. Brilliant.

I didn't even have to say anything. They are very in-tune with him and I feel a bit blubby about their kindness and attention.

Thank you all for your help. I'll let you all know if it works.

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muffinflop · 13/03/2012 17:09

Is he once he's in? If so I'm afraid I'd have to be mean and tell him you're not having any nonsense today, he's got to go to school and that's that. I see so many parents pampering their child if they're refusing to go in. Just chuck them in through the door and be firm, they'll soon get over it mean mummy emoticon

Runoutofideas · 13/03/2012 18:46

That doesn't work for every child though muffinflop. I took that approach with dd2 and she still kept it up every morning for 5 months!

ariadne1 · 13/03/2012 19:04

swed- Be prepared for it not working once the novelty has worn off
Does he cry long after you've gone.I'm in agreement with muffinflop. Be casual but firm.Treat it as nonsense Peel him off you and go. If you start buying into this you will give him the idea that there is something to fear.

Original poster
Swed · 13/03/2012 19:20

Hopefully it will work. Poor chap, he's 4. He tries to suppress it when he breaks down but his chin wibbles and I try and make our goodbyes as fleeting and casual as possible and try and hand him swiftly over to whichever teacher is doing the meet and greet there are six of them in the foundation unit and it could be any one of them but I keep dropping the baton.

Perhaps I do need to be firmer.

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Tgger · 13/03/2012 20:24

Awwww, bless him. Hope he feels more positive soon. It is a long day for little ones so his feelings are entirely understandable, but yes, I think you have to be straightforward and firm that this is how life is.

Original poster
Swed · 14/03/2012 10:29

Well it worked. He asked on the way to the door for "a long hug, a really really big one" and then walked into the classroom with a big fake smile on his face Sad in order to claim his Star Wars sticker.

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Looksgoodingravy · 14/03/2012 11:07

Aww Swed, it will come with time and I'm sure the sticker chart will make a difference once inside the classroom, make a huge fuss when he comes out and ask which sticker he's got today, it will be easier in time.

Looksgoodingravy · 14/03/2012 11:07

Aww Swed, it will come with time and I'm sure the sticker chart will make a difference once inside the classroom, make a huge fuss when he comes out and ask which sticker he's got today, it will be easier in time.