How the hell do I help my DS?

[Moveslikejagger]

I am seriously worried about my DS. He has just turned 8 and really struggling at school.

Parents night tonight and he is below average for almost every subject apart from PE and music (neither of which he has an interest in particularly). My main concern is his literacy which is finds so difficult.

The school read with him every day, I do it every night. I also do some spellings with him too every night (not many, just a couple). I really do not know what to do to help him get on, his teacher says that he is above average for effort and he does try so hard but he just cannot 'get it'. His teacher says she does not think there are any 'issues' (her words) and I'm so worried that he is getting so far behind that he will never catch up. He's a lovely lad, tries really hard and is good in class and I hate to see him struggling so much and of course, I want him to have a good education too.

Basically he is trying his hardest but just not picking it up and I am absolutely at the end of my rope and cannot sleep for worrying about this. Any advice?

Have you looked into Kumon? It really worked for the few children I knew who did it, both in terms of progress and confidence/enjoyment. It's just one option tho.
Out of interest did they give you his levels or any other indication of how 'below average' he is?

Were they not more specific with what he is struggling with other than he doesn't get it?

It sounds to me as if there are 'issues'. Have they tested him? Is he dyslexic? I would push harder-see if you can get an appointment with the SENCO.

I agree with Exotic. If he is trying really hard, but not "getting it" then there obviously is an issue. OTOH it depends whether you mean "really struggling" as you say in your first paragraph, or "below average with no issues" which it seems was reported to you at Parents evening.
If you think about it, half of all children are "below average" - it doesn't necessarily mean they have SEN. However, "really struggling" is completely different, in which case I would make an appointment for a longer chat with the class teacher (maybe ask if the SENCo can pop in too) to ask them what they are doing to support him.

The thing is she is not qualified to know if there are "issues"

bumping for you as my son is going through similar problems.

He has just been assessed by a behavioural optometrist which has picked up several problems with the way his eyes work. These have obviously impacted on his ability to read and write properly. He does have similar problems with maths though and I have no idea where we go with that one!

Thank you all for your replies. DH wasn't at parents evening as he is away just now but I'm going to arrange for us both to go and see her again next week. His teacher just said to keep doing what we are doing with him and 'we'll review again in a few weeks'. I'm just so worried for him. I hadn't thought of an optometrist didl but will def look into that.

Having been in your place Id like to give you an 'alternative' angle - hes 8,hes young,he may be a bit immature so what if hes not so good at reading so what if hes not too good at spelling,so what if he finds numbers hard? .....boys I believe can often drag behind a bit then all of a sudden it 'clicks' and they whoosh forward,by all means ask for the SENCO to have a look and get him any support he neds but at the end of the day its 1 parents evening its 1 childhood -and nothings changed hes still the fab little boy he always was - watch the telly with subtitles on,do maths with sweets and songs,make up silly spelling rhymes but smile cos hes only 8 once.

I wasted so many nights making flash cards having ds do work at home and worrying all the time he's 18 now and reading law at uni!!!

I think it's fair to assume he has dyslexia (seeing as the defn of dyslexia is someone who struggles with reading and / or writing despite receiving adequate instruction) and start to look into what you can do to help him.

I've made a long list of all the things you can do to help him here

I don't think you can really diagnose that from the inforamtion the OP has given us IndigoBell. Yes, there is a possibility, but there is also the distinct possibility that he is just a child who, at this stage in his life, is somewhere 'below average' as reported by his teacher, who probably knows him better than those of us on the internet just reading a couple of paragraphs.

Jolly your post made me cry. He is a fabulous wee boy and I'm so proud of him. You're so right though, he is just a lad. I love him with all my heart and I just want to help him.

IndigoBell where does that definition of dyslexia come from?

A Definition of Dyslexia

Dyslexia can be described as a continuum of difficulties in learning to read, write and/or spell, which persist despite the provision of appropriate learning opportunities.

OP, are there any other things about your ds that worry you? Where he appears different or to not get it?

My ds is dyspraxic, literacy was a real problem and his confidence took a battering. He tried and tried and tried but never "got it", he couldn't get it. He is physically incapable of getting it.

OneLieIn He worries me because he's not very confident, he worries about getting things wrong so doesn't 'put himself out there' if you know what I mean. But it's a bit of a viscious circle isn't it? I try so hard to give him confidence in himself and his ability but I think because he finds school work so hard, and he knows he finds it hard, it's difficulty to keep his confidence up. He's very sociable, has lots of friends etc. but I'm worried sick to be honest.

What about going to your GP?

I'll try anything. What would I say though, he doesn't seem to be ill or anything?

moveslikejagger. You must be worried and I feel for you. My husband was labelled as a late developer. he went on to get a phd. my brother couldn't read or write at 7. he now earns a fortune - his diligence is a real asset. My dd is at a school where she is below average, but all the other children are such precocious learners. so is it a relative to the others problem?
There are lots of different learning styles. Is your son better at logic or problem solving than learning from memory?

you sound fantastic and understanding. your comments about confidence sound spot on. why don't you pursue your gut instincts relating to him discovering some confidence, something that he is good at, and build in some positive learning experiences in that context? good luck.

Crying yes he is a great problem solver! He's quite practical and will happily take things apart and put them back together again, he's got tons of patience for that kind of thing. God I probably sound like some manic pushy mum, I'm really not, I don't expect him to be a genius.

He does sound a bit dyslexic especially in what he can do. I would ask to speak to the SENCo as well as the class teacher. parent partnership for your area may also be able to advise.
However proper hearing and eyesight tests can also help, and if you can get to Reading or Oxford can also help.

You sound like a lovely caring mum and not pushy at all, and certainly not manic. It is not really possible to tell from your OP whether he is simply below average, which obviously many DCs have to be, or whether there are real difficulties which would suggest dyslexia. When you say he doesn't 'get it', what specifically does he not get?

I agree that another meeting with the teacher and SENCO would be advisable, plus finding activities to play to his strength and boost his confidence.

Obviously a child needs to be assessed for dyslexia by an Ed Psych (ie I'm not actually qualified, being only an ordinary teacher) but from experience of the children I tutor, the following can be signs of dyslexia.

Mis-reading little words that they actually know ( eg "and" "in" "to" "the")

Problems with tracking sounds through a word so they may read "bocweb" for cobweb or reversing letters within a sound (eg reading cra for car or gril for girl).

What I call "look and guess" by which I mean looking at the first few sounds in the word and guessing the rest so they may look at the word "diagonal" and read "diagram" for example.

Finding it hard to hold the sounds of more than 2 syllables at a time, eg you help them sound out "im" "port" "ant" but they can't hold the sounds in the right order to blend it into the word important.

Reversing letters in words when writing eg carb for crab.

Confusing b d p and g when reading and/or writing.

They may also have problems reversing numbers eg writing 52 for 25

They are also often ( although not always) good at "seeing outside the box", problem solving and working in 3d (eg model making, lego).

Thank you all for your posts, you're all being so kind. sarahfreck your post has been really helpful, he does a lot of those things you mentioned, in fact, all of them. He is a lego expert and build anything, reading diagram instructions far better than I can. I am definitely going to get him assessed so at least I can help him.

Half of all children aren't below average.

In statistics on a distribution curve you get an arithmetic mean or average, which is the bump in the middle. That's where most kids are, in the middle. Then you get a tiny tail at the bottom end and a tiny tail at the top end.

My advice would be to try some strong synthetic phonics intervention if this is not already being done at school. (Good for all children learning to read and spell, not just dyslexic students.) I know someone will come on here and say there is no point in getting him assessed for dyslexia as it doesn't get you any further forward but ( again in my experience) ...

It can definitely help the child's confidence to know there is a reason for their difficulties. They tend to assume that it is their fault somehow and that they should be trying harder.

It can change the attitude of teachers and help to modify their comments and expectations. (eg rather than expecting the child to copy accurately off the board and telling them off if they don't, they may provide another way for the child to access the information - giving the date on a small whiteboard they have next to their book or allowing a TA to write the date for example!). And before anyone else says anything, yes I know there are some fantastic schools out there where they already have a great awareness of literacy problems and for whom diagnosing dyslexia would not change anything, BUT in my experience, many schools are not like this and many teachers have little awareness of dyslexia (It is only covered very briefly in a lot of initial teacher training).

If you wanted to try some synthetic phonics intervention at home, I would probably recommend Dancing Bears and maybe the Hornet Literacy Primer. They often give good results but do require a regular day-by-day commitment and can be a bit dry. I've not met a child yet who didn't get fed up doing these at some point, so it may also require some kind of reward programme too for doing sessions.

You may find that Nessy Phonics and Nessy games player would be a good way of introducing some variety in the form of computer based phonic activities and games too.

If you PM me with your email, I'll send you a electronic download of a booklet I've written about fun ways to learn phonics at home. It's aimed at younger children, but some of the stuff will be appropriate or adaptable for your son.

Moveslikejagger Sarah has given you some great advice^^but I thought I'd tell you about my DS because I could have written your post 3 years ago (even down to being very good at building things!).
My DS is now 10 but at the time it had become clear that he was really struggling with literacy and doing all the things that Sarah outlined in her post (reversing letters, misreading little words etc etc) and his spelling was terrible. The school raised concerns and he had a year of 1-1 help for half an hour a week, which made very little difference.
Over the summer holidays between Y2 and Y3 I did Toe by Toe with him, 20 minutes a day, 6 days a week. It made a massive difference and when he went back to school his reading age had jumped by 3 years.
His spelling remained pretty awful though, so last September I started Word Wasp with him and again did it pretty intensively (20 mins before school every day) up till Xmas. His spelling has improved dramatically. I also started giving him fish oils at the same time.
He's now in Y5 and is doing really well. His reading age is 14. His comprehension is excellent. He was always pretty good at maths but this even this seems to have improved as his literacy improved. He'll be sitting selective exams at the end of this year so I'm doing some Reasoning prep with him. I always suspected he'd be good at NVR but his VR is now also at a really high level.
I would never have thought I'd be writing that about him when he was 7/8. Maybe he would have matured anyway, but I know that Toe by Toe/Word Wasp made a massive difference. It was almost as though all the phonic rules had passed him by the first time round, and we just needed to start from scratch. This time he got it!
Sorry for the essay, and I hope all that doesn't sound like boasting. But I recognised the worry in your post and I wanted to tell you what worked for us.

Sorry, should have said...I don't think he's ever going to be the world's best speller, so miracles haven't been worked...but he's so much better than he was.