Tell me to stop being a competitive Mum...

[MerryMarigold]

...okay I am feeling a bit down about my ds1. I went to see his teacher yesterday and whilst waiting for her, I took a look at the 'groups' the kids are in. He's in the 2nd from bottom in reading and maths. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it is...mostly because we live in a very deprived area. The other kids (there's only about 4 in the class) who come from similar families to ours are all in the top 2 groups (of 6/7 groups). So basically, the kids we went to toddler group with, and NCT bumps and babies etc. are all doing really well, but my ds isn't. I feel like: what did I do wrong? Or what is wrong with him? I keep trying to find out if there's something wrong with him, but maybe it's just to make me feel better because I haven't done what I should have done with him, which would have helped him out at school. It's really bugging me. My Mum keeps pointing out that he's made a lot of progress this year, but so have the other kids, to the point that I think he's around a year behind them. He's also left out socially, which I can empathise with, as I was too BUT I always got my self esteem from being top of the class, so it makes it harder for me to accept that my son is not even average and I'm not sure where/ how to help him feel good about himself.

When she was first here and finding life hard, I asked her what she wanted to be able to achieve, and we figured out a plan and practised together - maybe talk to your son and involve him in what he wants to practice first and will boost his confidence at school. I have friends whose kids read at a higher level at home (made to practice) because otherwise they lack the confidence to take part in the group sessions in class. As a random example, DD wanted to learn to kick a football in the air against a wall and catch it again - sounds strange but it was important to her and helped her fit in at playtime. There might be something small like this you could do. I've been known to practice various playground games in the garden and hope no-one comes round .

Oh and kids can't always be top, and teachers on here say that each year's intake varies widely - a child on the bottom table in one year, would have been on the top table the previous year. That could be the case for your son.

hi Merry, read your thread yesterday and felt for you.

I kept noticing the bit about "He's also left out socially, which I can empathise with, as I was too BUT I always got my self esteem from being top of the class"

I think the huge battle for mums like us is that when we see history apparently repeating itself we have to step back and remind ourselves - every day if necessary - that my-child-isn't-me, the story won't be the same.

In your case, your lad may end up getting his self-esteem from something totally different than the academic side of things, irrespective of how well he does academically.

So I think it would be great to keep concerns about the academic side as separate as possible from the feelings about making up for problems with social skills. (I focus on the social skills with my boy- though it's tempting to think if he could just play football well, everything would be ok - but it wouldn't). good luck.

When my DS1 was that age he was in the bottom group for literacy and maths.He is now 17 at grammar school and got all As in his AS levels last summer-physics chemistry maths and further maths.
It's very very common for boys to blossom later, not least as they develop more focus.The very real danger is putting them off by putting too much pressure on them