Tell me to stop being a competitive Mum...

[MerryMarigold]

...okay I am feeling a bit down about my ds1. I went to see his teacher yesterday and whilst waiting for her, I took a look at the 'groups' the kids are in. He's in the 2nd from bottom in reading and maths. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it is...mostly because we live in a very deprived area. The other kids (there's only about 4 in the class) who come from similar families to ours are all in the top 2 groups (of 6/7 groups). So basically, the kids we went to toddler group with, and NCT bumps and babies etc. are all doing really well, but my ds isn't. I feel like: what did I do wrong? Or what is wrong with him? I keep trying to find out if there's something wrong with him, but maybe it's just to make me feel better because I haven't done what I should have done with him, which would have helped him out at school. It's really bugging me. My Mum keeps pointing out that he's made a lot of progress this year, but so have the other kids, to the point that I think he's around a year behind them. He's also left out socially, which I can empathise with, as I was too BUT I always got my self esteem from being top of the class, so it makes it harder for me to accept that my son is not even average and I'm not sure where/ how to help him feel good about himself.

My sister was considered "slow" at school up until year 4. Then in year 5 she blossomed and she was the one who went to Cambridge to do maths.

I did the early reading thing and although I did all right at school I was never going to go to Cambridge.

I am another one who thinks that it is very healthy to go in and ask the school why he is there?

I totally understand what you are saying - however, I think you are actually worried why your child is in these groups - which is an EDUCATIONAL CONCERN - but you're upset about it is clouding your concern and you think its about YOU being competitive.

If the school can explain to you WHY you will feel better and know what to do to help your son. Don't sit at home and feel upset and worry - find out why? It is not competitive - it is taking an interest.

My son was in very similar sets in year one. Why on earth was he in a group where no one else spoke english.

To cut a long story short - you should find out why and work on those things with him at home. There are some parents who never worry about education because their kids are just fine and the schools are just great but some of us have children who need extra support for a little bit.

Don't let it upset you or ruin your relationship with your son - if he is falling a little short - nip it in the bud now. Don't leave it till he's 7,8,9 . . .

'I always got my self esteem from being top of the class'

Hopefully you have debunked that idea as an adult, did your parents value academic achievement above all else?

I'm just wondering if you are equating doing well at school with feeling good about yourself, and thinking your son won't feel good about himself until he clicks academically.

OP, I think it's good to know that your child is struggling. And there's no reason to feel bad because it bothers you.

First, I concur with others who say that an education is not a race. DC progress at different rates. In reception my DS could barely button his shorts. Certainly couldn't read or write.
By 11 he was considered one of the brightest DC in what is a very very high achieving school.

However, I don't think you should take this as cause to do nothing. You can do all sorts of things to help in terms of increasing concentration, reading ability, reading enjoyment (essential imho), writing etc. As long as you don't get anxious, your DS won't even know you're doing anything more than a few fun and interesting things.

Concentration: Memory games like When I Went Camping. Board Games. Sports (especially ones that require DC to be static part of the time such as martial arts, gymnastics, golf, archery).

Reading : Read aloud to your DS every day. Fun books you both love. Also let him see you reading all the time. Make reading a passtime he wants to take up. Then get him reading as much as possible. Bake a cake and ask him to check the recipe. Show him a map of places you've been or might go and point out the words. You get the picture.

Writing: frankly my DS still has the handwriting any GP would be proud of . Just get him to draw, colour in, write little lists.

Good luck.

I spend my time worrying specifically about what my daughter can and can't read, what she can and can't add up/subtract, rhyme and so on. Although I know some of what her peer group can and can't do, I don't spend any time worrying about it. I'm not teaching them I'm teaching my own daughter and that's what I worry about.

Incidentally, you asked yourself what did I do wrong. If that's a genuine question and you find the answer or answers then great. But if it's merely a rhetorical question vis-a-vis your child versus his peers, then it's not helpful or useful. You can help your child with his learning by practising with him. Personally I find the old adage of little and often helps.

Your son sounds very similar to my DD2 when she was in yr1. She was unable to retain any information, reading was a real chore and she seemed to be making such slow, or no progress. She was also labelled as immature even allowing for her age (end of August). Now she's in yr2 her progress has been nothing short of amazing. She is still in the lower groups, although for maths she has gone from 4 to 3 which we were so proud of. Her reading has suddenly clicked into place and came home yesterday with her first level 5 reading book, she was over the moon, so was her fantastic teacher. She is still the lowest ability reader in her class, but is improving at a much faster rate than others. She is changing her book every day, whilst many others only 2 or 3 times a week.
I too was convinced she had a problem, I was sure she was dyslexic. I couldn't have been more wrong. She is aware she is behind in her reading, but I think this is what is driving her now. My yr6 DD1 had no such problems and has always been in the top sets, she doesn't have the drive that DD2 is developing because things are always easy for her. And actually we can see DD2 going further in life because she has learnt very early on how to work towards a goal, a skill DD1 has never had to acquire.

Also, bear in mind that there tends to be rather a lot of overlap b/w ability groups because the groups tend to be similar in size and children's abilities don't group so neatly.

So in ds1's class (Y1) there are 5 'ability' groups for reading, each with 5 children in them. If you wanted to really group those with similar ability (based say on ORT level) you would have:
1 group of 2, for the strongest readers,
1 group of 10 or so,
then another group of 8
then a group of 2
then a group of 1 (for the little boy with suspected dyslexia).

You would also be constantly increasing the size of the top groups as it 'clicks' for each individual child and their reading takes off. Logistically, they don't do this but the difference b/w groups just gets less and less, and the work they are capable of more similar.

My dd1 was like that in yr 1, but a year later she is slowly working her way up through the tables. It just took a bit longer, and as someone else said, you don't know how much other children are pushed at home. I was surprised that she was on the lower tables for maths and literacy, but even now she is reading about 2/3yrs above her age, and shows good comprehension, but so are more than half the class, so she is still middle, but then 50 percent of the yr 6 passed 11+; so even if she stays where she is she may still pass.

Being the oldest of three, she probably didn't have as much support academically as the younger ones did. Additionally she didn't want to read, do maths etc, whereas the younger ones want to do what they can see her doing. She is like your son very empathetic and insightful, and I think she may be better at humanities than science, compared to dd2 who turns everything into an experiment.

See whether there are any additional things you can do to help him, but I think that a lot still develops in their brain between yr 1 and 2; with some targetted home support if he is happy to join in, he may be in a very different place next year. Also brains don't always get you money/ success/ happiness, depends on many other factors.

Thanks everyone, such wise stuff.

Asinine, it wasn't my parents who valued academic achievment. It was the only thing I had that I felt good about! I moved school lots, so friendships were hard, and then in my final school I was bullied for years. Doing well was my only source of self esteem.

Of course, I will spot similar things in my son! I think I feel 'if only' he had the academic side, it would be something, especially with his peers. But he has problems socially (his 'peers' that he grew up with are the top group kids and have now rejected him), he is aware that he is not as 'good' as them (partly because they often point it out), he plays with the kids no-one else wants to play with (they are actually lovely kids and I am glad because he doesn't feel inferior around them, but he wants to be accepted by the others too). Last year was really terrible for us all, because he was so unhappy and I didn't know why. It was all this kicking off. I think he's become hardened to it a bit now, better at handling it, but he's still not the amazingly happy kid that people used to comment on. He was SO bright and bubbly and carefree and sweet. We do get some of him back in the holidays so I crave the holidays for some relief for him.

I may be wildy out but it is possible that his unhappiness is linked to his not performing so well at school? I have a good friend whose child was so miserable in Y1 that she ended up taking him out and home educating him - literally within weeks the child who was allegedly struggling with basic phonics at school was progressing with his reading in leaps and bounds.

Does the teacher have any suggestions for helping him to make more friends at school? Seems so sad that he feels left out at this age

Year 1 is early to worry about long term things, but it is always wise to keep an eye out for what is going on.

Very frequently, children who have EAL are very bright - they just have the disadvantage of not having grown up in a stable country. Certainly, the children in my dds school who are EAL have academics for parents. They also seem to learn English in about a term!

Reading your other threads, I think the most significant thing is that your child is unhappy. This will effect their performance at school and children are meant to be happy.

Also, why at that age are children rejecting each other? When I observe my dds classes, though they are 'setted' for academic stuff, it doesn't seem to impact on friendship groups at all.

All sounds a bit strange...these are little children who should just enjoy playing.

I know, generous, it was all a bit of a shock to me. The 'cliques' start young. Partly it comes from parents knowing each other outside. I'm not sure it's an active rejection (apart from the 'best friend' who has ds not to play with him anymore). It's a weird class. 2 controlling characters and the girls are actually more laidback and less bitchy than the boys (this is from the Reception teacher, though I had observed that myself). Ds is just a bit young and silly. I watch them after school and they're running races and ds just sort of follows and tries to join in but doesn't quite manage.

Yes, maybe it was unhappiness that delayed him so much in Reception . I was talking to my Mum about why he made so little progress through the whole of Reception. He is making progress now, and he doesn't seem as unhappy. He's handled the latest rejection of the best friend much better than last time, and at least can tell me. What I mean by active rejection. I know 2 of the kids actively reject him. The rest I think he's just not on their wavelength...

It doesn't sound like academic ability to me, it sounds more like an issue with confidence and enjoyment of school. "Cliques" in reception and year 1 just sounds wrong.

My dcs' school spend most of reception making sure that the class work together, and actively break up cliques - in fact, thinking about it, they still do in Year 3...frequently move chidlren around in the non streamed subjects, give table points for groups of children, to encourage them to pull together.

Personally, I would be more worried about that side of things.

MaryMarigold:

I've been there and I absolutely understand that it can be a bit upsetting to see your child struggling with something whilst others around him/ her are doing it with ease. It is understandably worrying.

I agree with IndigoBell insofar as it doesn't hurt to understand what your child should be able to do - and for many parents it can mean comparing with other kids the know (often school friends).

If you are concerned. Try speaking with the teacher and seeing if she can tell you where your DS is struggling and see if she has suggestions on how you can help at home.

If no joy there (and that was our situation). Then focus on the essentials: reading, writing and mathematics.

Reading - be sure to regularly read with your DS and try and encourage as much sounding out and attempts at sounding out (successful or unsuccessful as possible). As reading improves you can start to talk about the story more (what do you think will happen next?, Did the author use any words to help make the story spooky?, Which character did you like? Which character did you dislike? and so on).

Writing: If handwriting is letting your son down. Try and get in some practice. Send post cards to friends/ relatives when on vacation. Encourage him to write captions to pictures. Encourage him to write thank you cards/ birthday cards. Encourage Christmas cards/ other holiday cards. Encourage writing to enter competitions (tons on children's tv & magazines; also some book series). There's also a brilliant webpage that can help prepare practice writing: www.handwritingworksheets.com/. We started using the cursive writing sheets for spelling words in Y2 - very helpful.

Maths: If this isn't your thing and you're struggling with ideas. For free try: BBC Bitesize KS1. If you feel that he's not getting the concepts and needs teaching support many recommend www.wizz.com. We use mathsfactor (but I have DDs and am not sure if this will suit boys) info here: themathsfactor.com/.

If you want to find out more about what your DC should be doing in a given school year: I recommend Campaign for Read Education's curriculum statements : www.cre.org.uk/primary_contents.html - this is 'ideal world' stuff but does give you an idea of what the 'gold standard' of education would be for Y1, Y2, etc...

I highly recommend spending some time exploring materials on the BBC Learning [BETA] website. You can be sneaky and go through schools/ teachers and get right to all sorts of wonderful resources. Info here: www.bbc.co.uk/schools/teachers/ - Just select KS1 or KS2 in the orange box (midway down on left side of webpage) and then select appropriate topic.

My DD1 (now Y4) was really really struggling toward the end of Y2 in reading, writing and maths. We were desperately worried - so we started a routine. We regularly put in 30 minutes a day (which is more than she watches tv or plays video games) on reading, writing or maths (we try to vary it) and just slowly an steadily tried to work through things to improve her grasp of concepts and give her the practice she clearly needed. It may not suit everybody -but it has made a huge difference for our DD.

Hope that helps.

Sorry MerryMarigold:

typo with your name and just realised that

We regularly put in 30 minutes a day (which is more than she watches tv or plays video games)

should be which is NO more than she spends watching tv or playing video games/ DS).

Hi MM, sorry I missed this thread, just wanted to send you big hugs. We both have the wriggly boys, and our stories are fairly similar. Whilst I am confident that DS is progressing, I too know that things aren't right since his teacher took me aside about the fidgeting.

I've got no answers for you I'm afraid but as the others have said, being aware of his place in his peer group is good. He has the best start in life because he has a clever mummy that cares about him and he may just be a late starter. Our instincts are probably correct, we know that, we are women so what we need to do is help our boys as best we can, lots of good advice in this post. We know that the problem is on our radar and we've caught it early.

By the way, Kung Fu was a big hit with DS, he loved it and focused through the entire half an hour, was well behaved and well-coordinated. I'm very proud and not a little bit relieved.

Such a heartwarming thread this, best of MN I would say, gets to the heart of a Big Parenting Dilemma, though maybe that?s just me.
Merrymarigold?s school sounds exactly like ours, and her and her DS's position in it also has a lot of parallels. There ought to be more of a network out there (perhaps there is, and I've missed it) for, shall we say, white-middle-class parents committed to inner-city schools at which the vast majority of the intake is non-white ESL. Especially for those of us with special issues, like an SEN child (not saying yours is, merrymarigold), or (in my case) a non-white child potentially a little confused about his identity.
Or just a child which turns out to need more academic support than many of the, ahem, supposedly-underprivileged ESL children do.
Like you merrymarigold I started off assuming, in spite of myself, that the white-middle-class, NCT-type children would all be top of the class ? including my own DS, even though he isn?t white. Like you I?ve had to revise my expectations a little recently and am struggling to maintain perspective (my DS is still so young, it means very little in reception etc). And like you I worry he faces social isolation, not so much for not being academic or cool enough (though that may come later, I don?t know) but because the white-middle-class NCT type-kids all group together and discount him a) for being black, and b) for being a bit immature in some respects (he is in fact one of the youngest).
At the same time, very broadly speaking, he is not entirely sure about the black kids, as, thanks to me, he talks a bit posh and still kind of thinks he?s white. It?s not as bad as in your case, yet, and may be resolving itself satisfactorily, but I am anxious, and that is why your post struck a chord.
Other posters have offered great practical advice & I haven?t anything to add, really, except to emphasise the importance of finding extra-curricular things your DS enjoys. And to say, well, it may be hard, and we may go through a period of grieving for the super-gifted-talented-popular child we imagined we?d have, but in the end we do love our kid just the way he is, and indeed ? I?m sure this is a cliché of SEN threads, but a parenting truism nonetheless - discover other rewards he brings we?d never suspected. And, dare I suggest it, become nicer, more broad-minded people in the process.
It just may mean distancing ourselves from the smug-alpha-high-flyers for a while.

I think it's dangerous to compare - it will drive you crazy!!! Children develop at different rates, he's still so young!!! As he gets older you and he will find his niche. You're right to just keep a bit of an eye on things every now and then in terms of HIS progress and HIS happiness but don't compare! Someone posted about having fun - make sure this happens there's not enough of it for the little mites. I think they're put under a huge amount of pressure at school these days at such a young age! From an experienced KS1 teacher!!

Lovely post, marytuda!

OP, I don't think you come across as a competitive mum at all, so there is really has nothing to stop. I would imagine you simply thought that your DS would be ahead because he is old in year and because he comes from a supportive home. I just want to add that my DS went to school in a similarly deprived area but that some of the roughest kids were actually very bright and quick on the uptake. It was only really at secondary that the differences between them and kids from more aspirational families started to to manifest. Also EAL doesn't mean newly arrived; many EAL kids have bilingual parents and their English is often quite good.

If you really think your DS is behind, it would be best to speak to the teacher to see if there are any concerns, or if you are worrying for nothing.

"Little shits"

seconded.

Merrygold.... Don't underestimate your ds. My ds(age 6) did not do anything in Reception and year 1. In fact he scored 1's and 2's in his EYFS profile . He was still on the red level at the end of year 1 and i was extremely concerned.
He is now in year 2 and is doing really well. However, you cannot rely on the schools you have to support your child at home.

My dd could not read at 8 years old and my mother was extremely concerned.
My sister now has a PHD.

Seriously, don't worry about whether he is ahead or behind of kids who have a different mother tongue. DD is at school in France, we've been here on and off so she has had about 9 months in school - she has been put up a year, she is top of the class - but it doesn't mean her french is perfect. Simply that she can read and work out stuff, and figure things out, even if her translation of individual words can be downright hilarious. You don't need to have a wide vocab to read well (it is logical decoding) or do maths, or take part in an active science experiment, and thus be at the top of the class.

The language thing can be a bit of red herring, and we are in the same situation here with a boy struggling and his poor mum is comparing him to DD. Difference is that I do stuff with her at home - he refuses to do anything, and teacher is giving him extra help, and he digs his heels in all the time. (Not saying your DS is doing this!!!)

I don't think you are being competitive at all - just looking out for your DS, which is what we all (should) do. There is nothing wrong with helping him fulfil his potential, and not leaving it all to school. Our catch phrase is that "it is good to make mistakes because then it means we are trying / learning something new." Once she got that attitude she was flying, and happy to put the effort in and enjoys mastering new things. I care more that she enjoys trying and doesn't care about making mistakes, than what she is actually learning IYSWIM. At this age I think attitude to learning is the most important, as that carries on into secondary, whereas the age you learned your times tables becomes rather irrelevant.