How long do you leave it before moving an unhappy child?

[secondsister]

Long story short-moved DS from a small state primary in April last year (only 4 classes/mixed years in each). For various reasons, we took the decision to move him to a much bigger independent school with 4 classes in each year but only 15 in each class.

I've been getting the feeling from things that DS has said over the months that he's not happy but trying to just give it time. Things have been building up and I have difficulty getting him to get up in the morning and he moans about going.

We had a long chat last night and he said he "feels sad every day" and when I pointed out that his teacher said he seemed happy at school, he said "I HAVE to look like I'm happy". It seems he's unhappy with a number of things, including the huge number of children in his year. He finds it overwhelming and hard to make friends.

Against my better judgement, I broached the subject of moving to another school and he was so happy, he was beaming. The other school only has 12 in the year and I explained this and also the fact it's a big thing to move again but he was adamant he wants less children.

I'm thinking if we decided to move him, we would have to give the school notice now for him to start at a new one in September. So he would have to stay until the beg. of July! But it is too soon? Should I give it longer. My gut feeling is no but I wondered if anyone had any thoughts/experience of this?

I moved ds from a private school into the local state primary, then pulled him out after 2 terms and put him back into the private sector. I would speak to his teacher first though. You will have to give a terms notice anyway.

How old is he? Is the school he is at now very academic? Has he had any playdates/party invites?

I moved my DD who is in year 3 and she's aged 7 from private prep...tiny class there, only 11 kids and 8 of them were boys.

She is doing well at her new state primary...admittedly it is not large...I was careful not to move her to a VASTLY different school...but she's pretty settled after 1 and a half terms.

Someone told me that it can take a full year to get really used to a new school.

Hi LadySybil. How was your ds when you moved him back? And what year was he in?

I have spoken to his teacher a couple of times. She always says he seems fine.

I know I'll have to give a terms notice so that's why I'm thinking I have to start the process now if I want to move him to the new school for September.

Not sure it matters-but I will feel mortified going to tell them I am taking him out, I find it so hard to be articulate in that kind of scenario and tend to get emotional-I feel sick at the thought of starting all over again at a new school-for both of us....

Does he get to socialise much with the children in the new school?

Ds was in year 5 so was 10. I moved him in the September and it was the best thing I have done. Do remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side though. If he's finding the size of the school hard then how is he going to cope when he moves to secondary??

Hi Chas. He's 7and a half. The school is not too pushy academically and he's doing fine. He has been to a couple of parties and has had a few playdates. There are a couple of boys that he gets on quite well with.

I think he just struggles with the size of the school and the sheer amount of children. The boys in his year are quite boistrous and physical (DS is not). I think he is out of his comfort zone.

I was trying to get to April so I could it a year but the trouble is the terms' notice means that we need to decide what we are going to do if he starts the new school in September.

Are YOU happy with the school? I moved my son after 6 months of unhappiness (state school) but I didn't like the school either so felt like we had nothing to lose.

Unless you love the school and can see things improving, I'd move him. He's told you he is unhappy and in very articulate terms and IMO it's your job to do your best to try and improve on that situation. It is very much out of his control.

Imagine you were in a job that you hated with no prospect of moving. You'd at least want to give another job a chance wouldn't you even if the thought was scary.

The school I'm considering moving him to, he would be able to stay there for Secondary too (if that's what we wanted to do) and it's bigger but not enormous. It's joined on the junior school.

I've heard the pastoral care is great-they team up the older children with the younger to make a little "family" and they all look after each other. DS has no interaction with the older children at his school now other than being pushed around and sworn at-disclaimer-so he tells me...

idril, the school has lovely facilities and grounds, but my gut feeling is that it is right for DS. I am beginning to like it less and less. I was never 100% happy but thought it would be fine.

It was a compromise as I preferred one school and DH preferred another so we both agreed that this was a good school with the facilities of the two others, BUT I had reservations about the size and it seems I should have listened to my instinct.

that it ISN'T* right for DS...

There is a chance he will get used to the size....what if there are other things about the next school that he doesn't like?

Imo there will always be something about every school....one thing at least that a child doesn't like.

Imo if he has friends and his teacher is happy I wouldn't move him again.

He could just need his confidence building up....

My son just moved school and I wish we had done it sooner - he's in year 5. The way my husband put it is that even if it moving him ended up badly, at least we were taking a positive step. In our case, if it didn't work out, we would have gone crawling back to the previous school, so there was no reason not to try.

And you sound lovely, so trust yourself to make the right decision. :)

Or ask to give rolling notice - that way you have a bit more time to think about it.

Ds is at a top secondary and the boys do swear at each other. It's a lot harder for the year 7s as they are the smallest and youngest again. I don't think there's any secondary where the boys are polite to each other, it's hormone central with every one trying to fit in/be better then the next boy.

Chas, I don't know if he'll get used to it-I've been crossing my fingers for months. I suppose there is a chance that he will settle but that's what I'm asking-how long do I leave it? I know there's no definitive answer but thought there might be a "respectable" period, IFKWIM.

Thanks JJ, good suggestion re the rolling notice.

It's just all going round in my head-arrgh-I just want him to be happy and I know he's not and I just want to fix it for him.

I have given notice three times for different reasons and the school doesn't seem to mind. I would rather give notice and withdraw it than end up with a huge bill.

I think you should think very carefully about the new school before moving him. As somebody else said there will always be things that aren't perfect about a school and you have to make peace with them.
This will be your DS third school and the settling and trying to make new friends for you both again is going to be really hard IMHO.

OutInAllWeathers, you are right. I don't want to make the same mistake. At the moment, I'm thinking about nothing else and weighing up all the options constantly.

We rushed into moving him the first time for reasons I won't bore you with but I know now we should have thought about it more, naively I just thought it would work out.

I have spoken to a friend whose son is at the other school and it's everything I would want for DS (and think it would suit him down to the ground). I am guilty of rushing into things and that's why I'm trying to stay calm and level headed and do all my research.

If it just was a case of taking a while to settle and the usual gripes about school, I would sit it out, but the main thing is the huge number of kids-it feels massive and chaotic and as if kids are just a number. I'm not even sure if the head knows DS's name. She certainly doesn't know who I am. I want a more warm and friendly school for DS where he feels valued. He doesn't where he is-his confidence is disappearing.

You could discuss with him whether if he did move he would then be prepared to buckle down and put up with it even if he found it hard.

A psychologist I know used to ask children how much they liked school on a scale of 1-10. And their favourite subject. On a good day and a bad day. It's quite a good way in. You could ask him to compare this school with the previous one using those criteria too. He's old enough to understand.

I'd say though that if his confidence is declining move him but do try to make sure he isnt picking up your anxieties or thinking you can deliver perfection.

It sounds like you've made up your mind and in that case you need to be strong and get on with it sooner rather than later. The thing I would tell myself is that "this is IT" no matter what problems may come up...and something will....because they just do....no matter what they are (unless it's violence or something) you will stay put.

It can be very hard for DC to adjust to different teaching methods, building, new kids and in my opinion takes about a year.

I don''t think you've been there long enough yet...and that your son has some teething troubles but nothing more.

In a similar situation.DD started school in large school overseas with brill pastoral care and small class sizes- had one great friend who she is still writing to- stayed there till mid yr2 when we moved back to the uk to a seemingly good small primary with mixed year groups.

DD has found it v hard to make friends- ends up playing with reception children as they are the only ones who will let her. She is now v unhappy- okish for the first 18 months but now she is unhappy and has asked to move to a school with smaller classes (like her first school) . Looking at independent schools which we could just about afford. Think that in yr7 she would need independent anyway as she is rather a studious little girl and we had planned financially for this too.

I feel with now 2 years in this primary school we have given it a fair chance and the dilemma now is to accept average for yrs 5+6 or opt out. Guess that making a change is as hard for the parents as the children.

spendthrift, good idea, DH and I are both going to have another chat with him tomorrow so I might use that.

Chas, I did say to him the other day, "we can't keep moving you from school to school, this would be it" and he agreed. I'm thinking I will organise a taster day and see how he is after that. I know it's only been 9 months and I wanted to give it a year but my dilemma is the notice period. If we want him to start in Y4, we have to let them know by the end of next month. I'm going to keep a close eye on him till then and see how things are going at school.

sunnylabsmum, sorry to hear your DD is having such a hard time. I think strong pastoral care does make a massive difference-I can see that now. Some kids can get on and make friends anywhere and settle straight away but other children need that support.

secondsister thanks so much for your input to our dilemma! We are going to look at another independent school soon so we can compare with the first we have seen. DD is keen for a new school with friendly children she says!!

My DD was at a state primary where her brother still goes and is very happy. She was indifferent to nursery and hated reception so we started looking to move her. Things seemed to settle so we left it knowing that the year 1 teacher was very good and would be able to work with us. Unfortunately we didnt see any improvement and made the decision to move her during Xmas of year 1. She started a small prep school with great pastoral care last week and her first week has been fantastic. I assume that the dust will settle and we will have some ups and downs but so far it is feeling like the best decision we could have ever made but also the hardest one. I thought of nothing else for a year, I made myself ill trying to decide what to do but one week in and she is like a different child, she even went to her first new school party yesterday and walked straight in and joined the group as if she had been with them forever.

I think that you know when things aren't right but making that move is really hard especially if you have already got it wrong once.