DS's shyness at school - unsympathetic teacher

[SuperSixy]

My DS is by nature a very shy, sensitive and insecure little boy. I try to encourage and support his confidence and independence but it's just the way he is. He is very sweet, quiet and well behaved, and thinks about others before himself even though he's only 4 and a half.

He started school in September and is the 2nd youngest in the school due to his August birthday. He's very bright indeed (he was reading before he started school), but when he started school he wouldn't speak (at all) for the first two weeks, so they sent his LEA assessment off with a developmental age of 22 months (!!!!)

Since he started school we have had a couple of incidents where he has got upset at school. On one occasion this was because the teacher had poked his shoulder and told him to "hurry up" getting changed after PE. Ever since the very first week at school he has had a huge problem with getting changed for PE. I am completely baffled about this because at home he dresses himself without any difficulty whatsoever - I don't even stay in the room, I just leave him to it. I tried to explain this to his teacher but she clearly doesn't believe me.

Then we had an incident where he was moved down from the top phonics group even though he is reading fluently. DP and I went in to talk to the teacher about this and we were told it was because of his confidence, that he wasn't coping well with the children in the other group because they were mainly the bigger ones, and he wouldn't come forward. I was also told quite directly that I was being over protective - the exact words were "Mummy's got to LET GO". I was furious, as despite DS's shyness I have always put him in lots of different situations so that he mixes with other children in various supportive environments.

Yesterday he came out of school sobbing and sobbing. The teacher came over and said "He's just not coping with getting changed after PE, it was their assessment today and the test we decided on was how well they could dress themselves, but he just can't do it". I reiterated again that he does dress himself at home. She then said that he had left his trainers on the floor of the sports hall and when all the children were ready to leave she had asked him to go and get them but he wouldn't respond at all - would not move or speak. I know exactly why - because there are 47 children in Foundation and to single out this very shy little boy to do something in front of everyone would have been absolute torture for him! I tried to explain this but she said that with 47 children to think about he would just have to learn to do what everyone else does. She then bent down and shouted forcefully in my son's ear "Go home and read your new reading book and don't worry about it". At which my son started sobbing all over again.

I don't know what to do about any of this. I am completely in the dark about the getting changed thing because he has no problem with it at home. I don't know how best to support my DS. I feel that the teacher is totally unsympathetic towards my son as an individual but I daren't say anything for fear of being accused of being over protective again. There is another teacher/registration group in Foundation, but they all share the same mobile classroom and teach different groups for different subjects, so changing registration group within Foundation would not make much difference. And to complicate matters further, I'm a parent governor of the school.

Any advice? xx

My son would not talk in group situations but our school was a mainstream one with a special needs unit so the teachers were more knowledgeable on issues like that and helped him with nurture groups and social speech therapy. After a term or two he became totally relaxed about group situations and was fine.

Have you talked to your son about the PE thing? Getting changed at school is different to home- other people see your underwear, some children are racing each other to get changed, it's probably very busy and manic... Can he deal with clothes that are inside out? If someone picks up his jumper or something does he have the confidence to ask for it back?

I think that lowering a child's group to see if the easy work helps his confidence is a tactic that teachers commonly use. Just because his group is lower doesn't mean that he can't go up again in the future. It may also be that the personalities of the top group are extrovert/alpha types so being in a calmer group might help.

Did you say anything when she "bent down and shouted forcefully in my son's ear". I would have had to say something like "He's not deaf!" or "How would you like it if I shouted into your ear?" Even if my child was deaf, that sort of behaviour is really unacceptable.

My other son is August born and was in a nurture group in Reception - being shy and needing help is not unusual. I think you need to have a chat with your son and teacher to sort out your son's reluctance to respond to the teacher's request to pick up his shoes etc. Would he respond better if the teacher asked him quietly or had the TA help a bit more discreetly?

That sounds awful! I sympathise as my dd2 is also an August birthday and in reception, struggling with the emotional side of things, but doing well academically. However, her teachers are managing to balance being supportive and kind while giving her clear guidance on what they expect in school. A big part of me feels she's just too young to be there, but I do feel they are trying their best for her.

In your case however this doesn't seem to be true. I think my gut instinct would be to take him away from a situation which is clearly very upsetting for both him and you. If you took him out of school, would there be a place for him to go into yr1 in September, or is there another local school you could consider? The current school doesn't seem to be suiting him at all and they don't seem to be trying to make it any better...

Your poor ds . My dd is exactly the same as your ds and her teacher is absolutely lovely and totally supportive. dd has come on in leaps and bounds since September and is getting more confident by the day. Last Friday she came home beaming, telling me she had read a book to the whole class - I nearly burst into tears that my dd who barely spoke to anyone at the start of reception would be prepared to do this! TBH in your situation I would probably move him. 4.5 is too young to be traumatised by school!! Oh, and if a teacher told me 'Mummy's got to let go' or shouted in my dd's ear I would give them a piece of my mind!!!

My nephew wouldn't talk for the first 6 months of school and the school was getting psychiatrists involved. In the end, they found out that he had very bad glue ear and needed grommits. Once his hearing improved, he started interacting at school.

My sister had no idea that he had a hearing problem. He was OK at home, but the school environment is very different. My nephew still has a shy personality, but hearing was the main problem.

Why did the teacher shout in his ear? Could hearing be a problem? Could this be why he didn't respond to the request to fetch his trainers?

The teacher does not sound like a good fit for your son. I know it is easy to say, but I would consider moving him. Talk to other local schools and see if any would be more sympathetic. One of dd's friends is an elective mute. She still will not speak to many adults and is painfully shy but she has never, ever been singled out and humiliated at school - they encourage her but do not force her to do what she feels uncomfortable with.

What an unpleasant teacher. I agree about moving him. It is not fair for any child to be left with someone so nasty.

Thanks for all your replies. It is very tricky because I am an elected parent governor of the school. We live in a rural community, but the school is literally at the end of our street, so I would be very reluctant to move him, but I do agree this teacher is just not a good fit with his needs. She has also put me in a position, by accusing me of being overprotective, where I now feel apprehensive about raising any issue. However, I am considering talking to the Headteacher if things do not improve. (She is on a temporary contract, and as a governor I could be on her interview panel if she applies for the job permanently - she must be a total fool!)
Thanks for the advice about hearing and PE kit. I'll do some subtle hearing checks over the next few days, and will also bring his PE kit home so that we can practice putting it on and off to increase his confidence.

Thanks again
Sixy xx

People often say on here: "pick your battles"
I don't think you should be too concerned about how the teacher has decided to group her class for phonics. There will be other fluent readers. I don't think that need be an incident.

It's his confidence and this getting changed thing.
I wonder what's different for him abut getting changed at school - lack of time? Distracted by friends?

merrymonsters' has a point about not ruling out a hearing problem.

I can also second the idea of getting a hearing test. Earlier in the thread I was talking about dd2 - who is I think just struggling with being young and immature. Dd1 on the other hand had grommets fitted in reception for glue ear and her confidence improved practically overnight. Don't try to do whispering type tests yourself, get him booked into the audiology clinic via a GP or your health visitor. Sometimes the background noise can be so overwhelming that they can't distinguish someone talking to them, or they can only hear up to certain frequencies, but this is very hard to replicate in a home environment.

I would ignore the label of being over-protective too, just carry on with what you want to do for him regardless. It doesn't appear as if her opinion is worth much weight, as she's only temporary, so I wouldn't worry about it.

I think this is a problem with the teacher rather than your son. I would wait it out and hope you get a better one in year 1. I think year 1 is better for shy children anyway in that they have a place at a desk/table and work in small groups a lot more.

The one thing I'd say is to not always listen to the advice of a teacher - go by your instincts. He's fine at dressing, he's a good reader. He doesn't have a development age of 22 months.

We had some weird accusations made by a supply teacher in reception, also a nursery worker as well, related to my child's shyness - in hindsight it was a pile of nonsense. I do wish I could see them again to tell them so!

You could move him but the chances are they are going to find teachers who don't get shy children throughout school unfortunately. It's just such a shame it's happened to your son in his first year. Hopefully he'll get someone a bit nicer in year 1.

I would request seeing the SENCo for his emotional/social difficulties, in bein so shy. I would be asking the question (without him present) of what are they going to do to help him with his difficulties? What they expect you to do? And when they expect things to improve.
I would also see the GP, and maybe request a hearing test, but also to talk about his anxieties.
I think your son is not coping in a large group of 47 children, my DCs school had an intake of 60, but they were treated as two classes of 30, and often divided into smaller groups by using TAs. They certainly never tried to teach more than 30 children PE at once.

Oh this brings backs memories. Sounds just like my son. Painfully shy when he started school. The difference is that on the whole he had supportive and patient teachers who were skilled at dealing with all sorts of children.
He is in Y4 now. Bright, articulate and sensitive. He is still shy but will try most things, read in class, ask questions, stand up in assembly etc. He is never going to have the alpha personality of some of his classmates but he is kind and happy and has a group of friends that are mutually supportive.
Insist that the school provide coping strategies for your child; make his PE kit as easy as possible to change into - larger sizes aree easier to get on and off, don't bother with a change of socks, etc. Practise at home and maybe have a reward chart just for PE changing. Insist that the teacher take the pressure off him and not make a big deal about the changing - drawing attention to him in thiss wasy is the worst thing she can do. Many a time my son came home wearing a mixture of kit and uniform - who cares! Do you know that many PE teachers set a stop watch for changing - it was 2 mins in Reception? Daft.
I too am a PG. Can be awkward raising issues but your child's happiness is paramount. However if you're concerned can your partner approach the school instead?
Good luck. He really will come out the other side but they are at school for loads of hours - during that time they are entitled to be secure, listened to, valued and happy ("even during the boring times" says my son!)

Oh and DS also late August birthday too!

Sorry, my spelling is a bit odd in places - sticky keys! Don't let 8 year olds use your laptop!!

Hmm. You've had lots of sensible advice on here, but my first reaction to this:

Since he started school we have had a couple of incidents where he has got upset at school. On one occasion this was because the teacher had poked his shoulder and told him to "hurry up" getting changed after PE.

would be to make an appointment with the teacher and tell her that if she ever laid her hands on my 4 year old child again like this I would be reporting it to everyone from the head to the LEA.

Accusing you of being over protective is the mark of a bad teacher, imo - she seems to think attack is the best form of defence. She is, in reality, an insensitive old bag who can't cope with a group of reception children and is blaming her failings on the children and parents. If nothing else, she shouldn't be teaching children of that age, or maybe, to be charitable, has no prior experience of teaching children of that age, because if she did, then she ought to know by now that her approach is not going to work on a sensitive 4-year old. She seems obsessed with her assessments and setting your ds up to fail them. What a stupid approach. I would make sure you make your opinions felt as a parent and parent governor that she doesn't have the right qualities for dealing with children that young, because she patently doesn't.

Basically, there are loads of practical ways to help build your DS's confidence. She may have moved him down a group as a confidence builder. Just about everything else though, including the shouting in his ear, is unhelpful and likely to make him more shy.

This is rather belated but I do appreciate all your replies. Shortly after I last posted, we received my son's mid-year report which was dreadful in all respects - she even graded his behaviour D - this is a little boy who never opens his mouth and is never any trouble in any setting. He is just such a well-behaved child. I was so angry that I didn't go to parents' evening, but my partner did. He is a teacher and knows this woman as she also used to be a secondary teacher (surprise, surprise, she wasn't trained in Foundation!) I don't know what he said to her but since then she has been a lot better in her attitude. I just stay out of her way as much as possible now though. However, we had another incident the other day where DS said he cried when she shouted at him because he was still drinking his milk when everyone else had gone out to play (he does dilly dally quite a lot so I can see how that would arise - not that I approve of her shouting at him). I have decided to do what a couple of people suggested, wait it out and hope he gets someone better in Year 1 - unless we have any more incidents, in which case I'll send DP in again with all guns blazing!

She is on a temporary contract, and as a governor I could be on her interview panel if she applies for the job permanently - she must be a total fool!

I think, as a governor, it would be more professional not to sit on the panel as it is a conflict of interest.

I would definitely go and speak to the Head, if your witnessing incidents like that god knows what's she's doing when your not there. This is having an impact on your sons emotional behaviour, could he cope with another 3 months of it?

I had a ds just like this...we were lucky though as he was at a fantastic school with supportive teachers and an incredible head. I would definitely see the Head - stuff what the teacher thinks as she sounds as if she has no empathy whatsoever with a little boy like your ds. They DO get there but it takes lots and lots of time and patience...baby steps. My ds had aims of 'sitting on the carpet without crying' instead of learning number bonds!

The teacher clearly has communication difficulties with both your son and with parents. As a parent governor shouldn't it be your responsibility to the school community to quietly raise your concerns with the head teacher in general terms and also point out the impact on your child and request an action plan to support him to develop and integrate with his class. As a mother you should have done this straight away. If you haven't and are coming onto a public forum for advice I really question whether you should be a parent governor for the simple reason that you aren't speaking up for and dealing with the problems of your own child so how can you be expected to raise the concerns of other parents.

It is difficult as a governor though as you don't want to be seen to be targeting your own child over others. Therefore as op is a governor she would be in her rights as a parent to raise concerns with the teacher or Head about this teacher's attitude to her son. From that more general class related issues may arise that might take things 'further'.
Glad you have a supportive dh op.

You have a real teacher/clash and it is damaging your DS. I think that if you don' get anywhere then you really need to move him. A lot of teachers simply don't understand the shy child. They need time and space to blossom which they do in their own time. They cannot be forced. Most who don't understand are not as extreme as this one.