DS's shyness at school - unsympathetic teacher

[SuperSixy]

My DS is by nature a very shy, sensitive and insecure little boy. I try to encourage and support his confidence and independence but it's just the way he is. He is very sweet, quiet and well behaved, and thinks about others before himself even though he's only 4 and a half.

He started school in September and is the 2nd youngest in the school due to his August birthday. He's very bright indeed (he was reading before he started school), but when he started school he wouldn't speak (at all) for the first two weeks, so they sent his LEA assessment off with a developmental age of 22 months (!!!!)

Since he started school we have had a couple of incidents where he has got upset at school. On one occasion this was because the teacher had poked his shoulder and told him to "hurry up" getting changed after PE. Ever since the very first week at school he has had a huge problem with getting changed for PE. I am completely baffled about this because at home he dresses himself without any difficulty whatsoever - I don't even stay in the room, I just leave him to it. I tried to explain this to his teacher but she clearly doesn't believe me.

Then we had an incident where he was moved down from the top phonics group even though he is reading fluently. DP and I went in to talk to the teacher about this and we were told it was because of his confidence, that he wasn't coping well with the children in the other group because they were mainly the bigger ones, and he wouldn't come forward. I was also told quite directly that I was being over protective - the exact words were "Mummy's got to LET GO". I was furious, as despite DS's shyness I have always put him in lots of different situations so that he mixes with other children in various supportive environments.

Yesterday he came out of school sobbing and sobbing. The teacher came over and said "He's just not coping with getting changed after PE, it was their assessment today and the test we decided on was how well they could dress themselves, but he just can't do it". I reiterated again that he does dress himself at home. She then said that he had left his trainers on the floor of the sports hall and when all the children were ready to leave she had asked him to go and get them but he wouldn't respond at all - would not move or speak. I know exactly why - because there are 47 children in Foundation and to single out this very shy little boy to do something in front of everyone would have been absolute torture for him! I tried to explain this but she said that with 47 children to think about he would just have to learn to do what everyone else does. She then bent down and shouted forcefully in my son's ear "Go home and read your new reading book and don't worry about it". At which my son started sobbing all over again.

I don't know what to do about any of this. I am completely in the dark about the getting changed thing because he has no problem with it at home. I don't know how best to support my DS. I feel that the teacher is totally unsympathetic towards my son as an individual but I daren't say anything for fear of being accused of being over protective again. There is another teacher/registration group in Foundation, but they all share the same mobile classroom and teach different groups for different subjects, so changing registration group within Foundation would not make much difference. And to complicate matters further, I'm a parent governor of the school.

Any advice? xx

Don't wait til year 1. Shouting at him for dilly dallying over his milk for god's sake - there's just no need.

Your position as a governor does make it seem more difficult to raise the issue but either your DP can do it or you can simply be clear that you are speaking to the head as a parent and not as a governor in this instance (and probably it would be wise not to take part in the interview panel if that comes to pass).

My ds is in year 2, although one of the younger ones (not 7 until June) and has had a real knock to his confidence about a lunchtime music club because they have to have an early lunch and he doesn't like to sit on his own with the Y1s - the other Y2 boys having raced ahead of him and sat together, I think. He's actually cried in school about it. His teacher and I spoke about it at parents' evening and this week she made a special point of asking the music clubbers to make sure they all went to lunch together and voila: it's all been fine.

I don't think he even was very good at dressing himself during reception, a lot of the younger ones weren't and I think they did PE just in their normal clothes for at least the first term just to make it easier for everyone. The school should be doing better to cope with the huge range of age and aptitude that the reception year has to cater for.

Oh my God! Your poor DS, he is only 4 and does not seem ready for school at all. It sadens me to read about advice about social therapy and other stuff (although it might be helpful in this situation) - your DS is only 4, still almost a baby! And the teacher does not seem to be able to differentiate between 4 year olds and 5 year olds, there is a huge difference and she seems to treat them the same.

My DS was very immature starting, despite being an April burthday and in retrospect I wish I had kept him out for the first 3 years of school and privately educated him at home. On the other had he would have missed out on all the fun stuff they did too, its difficult.

My DD (now 3 1/2) is very shy and doesn't speak to adults (except very, very few) it is improving, very slowly. Otherwise, she is bright and confident. At pre-school they tell me she is very independent (puts her shoes, coat on herself, goes to the toilet ...). However, I think its because she would never dare to approach an adult. Her language skills are very good though, she is bi-lingual, her English is still lacking behind a bit but she can communicate well (she is choosing to be read chaper books in German, the one's which still have pictures). The pre-school seems to think that her language skills are lacking when I asked them to chat to and try and get to know her.

Luckily, she is an October birthday and has another year at home/pre-school and I think she will be fine when she is due to start school in 2013. However, I will not do again what I did with my DS - send her to school hoping she will be allright, knowing she is not ready.

Please, please, hard as it may be, keep your parent and governor hats separate. The school should have a complaints policy which includes raising issues informally. As a parent, you need to follow that, probably by talking to the staff member and if you don't resolve the issue escalting it, sometimes directly to the head or deputy, but in what sounds like a big school, possibly to the Foundation Stage co-ordinator. As a governor, if you are aware of other concerns regarding this parent (and not by going and asking!), it may be appropriate to raise them with the head or Chair of Governors and then standing back and letting the appropriate people address the issue. You would then have to let that side of it go - there be issues going on of which you are unaware (eg competency/capability). If you were asked to sit on a panel to interview this person for a job, I would suggest that in all conscience you decline. Much as you have views about how competent she is, other candidates may have similar problems which you don't know about, so in all fairness you cannot enter the process unbiased.
Can I say at thsi point, though, a big thank you to all parent governors - you do an impossible but thankless job and it is much appreciated.
BTW, are any teachers out there baffled by the issue of doing a targeted assesment on one day of getting changed? It's not a tick box to be achieved in one lesson.

Oh OP, it sounds as if he should have one of those motherly teachers, but sadly he doesn't...

bad luck really.

do you know who his teacher next year will be?

My DS1 was so very shy, and was lucky to have a sweet motherly type teacher who hugged him and helped him when he got stuck (rabbit caught in headlights moments) and knew not to put him on the spot.

Keep talking to the teacher (or is there a sympathetic TA you could get on your side?)

It would, obviously, be a lot easier to raise issues on behalf of another parent than to complain about treatment of my own son. Especially since the teacher has already accused me of being pushy/overprotective. I don't want it to seem that I am abusing my position as parent governor by trying to get 'special treatment' for my son. If we do decide it's necessary to approach the Head then my DP would do this.

I was elected parent governor because I was previously on the Committee of the local toddler group. I raised lottery funding for the group to buy new toys and equipment, produced new publicity, organised a series of special activities and totally reinvigorated the membership. I don't think it's fair for anyone who doesn't know me to question whether I should be a parent governor. I am more than capably equipped to fulfil the role. I am just in a difficult position to come across a teacher like this in my son's first year at school, and my first year as parent governor. That's why I came on here with this issue - for support.

I also find the remark "As a mother you should have done this straight away" rather insensitive.

Sorry, I didn't make it clear that my reply above was specifically a response to marriedinwhite. I'm very grateful for all the other supportive replies I've received.
Today the teacher came out at the end of school and told me that I "need to consider whether we want DS to continue having milk at school, as he is taking too long to drink it".

I was livid - do I want my 4 year old child to continue to have the free milk to which he is entitled????? As a Foundation stage teacher surely you should be capable of initiating strategies to ensure that a child completes a task within the timeframe available, or if not, simply saying "Time's up, now go out to play"???
I asked DS if he wants to carry on having milk and he said yes. I then asked him if he thinks it takes him a long time to drink it and he said "Sometimes". I asked him why he thought that might be and he said "Sometimes I'm at the back of the line" (they have to queue up to get the milk, and naturally with his temperament he is letting other children go first).

DP and I have composed a short note to the teacher in response.

When she raised the issue in the playground I managed to stay calm, but my annoyance was evident. I took a deep breath and said that we were keen for him to continue having milk, but would discuss it. I then said that DS mentioned that he got in trouble for being too slow with the milk. The teacher said "He's just taking too long, half an hour is too long, but we do try to be patient". I said "I'm sure you do!" I'm not sure I managed to keep the sarcasm out of my voice at that point!

Is your child's teacher experienced in teachin YR? Is she an NQT or has she previously taught older year groups? That is the impression I get or she wants an easy life, and finds it annoying if some can't keep up. She seems to expect all to perform in the same and appears very insensitive to the very little ones.

The milk problem is really silly. If they have 1/2 an hour to drink the milk then I assume that your DS will have drunk as much as he wants to drink and if that is not all the milk, so what? A simple chat to your DS would be sufficient for the teacher to find out.

At the end of the day, the school doesn't exist for the convenience of the teacher but for the children!

I usually approach problems with the school by asking lots and lots of questions until the teacher/the school suggests the solution I was after.

It has not always been the quickest way but the most positive one.

My DS is very similar. Very bright, but also very shy and wouldn't talk for the first two weeks in school. I am a parent governor too. I will be coming back to this thread later to reply in full.

Sorry to hear about this. My DS has been in a very similar situation, we talked to the teacher several times, then sent in a letter (non hysterical, and very reasonable!) voicing our concerns with a copy to the head. The issues were addressed and......the teacher and our son continue to have a strained relationship! Guess they just don't click! Trouble is that in our school, often the quieter children who behave nicely get ignored. We have decided to take him out as we have heard that he is having the same teacher for Year 1 and that's just a bit too much to put him through. I have no solution for you, sounds like you're sticking up for him and doing your best..may be a lot better next year. Good luck.

My friends boy was in almost the same situation to you, He was even given punishments of staying in at break times and loss of "team points"in YR and Y1 because he was so shy, he wouldn't even answer his name at registration! (had same teacher for most of those 2yrs). At the start of the Spring Term in Y1 the class got a new teacher, and he "bloomed". Now he is in Y6, still quiet, and doesnt push himself forward, but will speak out in assembly, looks after a lot of the younger kids, and is generally much more confident. It is true that the teacher makes a big difference to the way he managed his shyness.

What a nightmare. Is there another Reception teacher? If so I would push strongly for him to go into her class, NOW. She sounds dreadful. Perhaps not a dreadful teacher per se but dreadful with 4/5 year olds. Feel blessed with our teacher. And for goodness sake, her method of dealing with a child drinking milk slowly is to suggest he gives up the milk. FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!!!!! There are so many other, kinder things she could have devised, this is obvious to most human beings.....

Supersixy, I haven't read through all the posts but I had to reply because my son sounds so like yours. His personality is very similar; shy, kind, sensitive and always puts others first. The difference is probably just how his p2 teacher has handled him. In p1 he cried frequently with the pressure and strangeness of new experiences, different environments etc and his very young inexperienced teacher did nothing really. He was pretty much invisible in the class, made no apparent impact on lessons etc and just did his day and came home. P2 has been a revelation. I have a different child. His teacher just gets him; she has nurtured all the best aspects of his personality, he's witty, he's a peacemaker, other kids are drawn to him because he always tries to resolve little tiffs (my shy little boy!!). In addition hes been moved to the top group. This is the top group in an excellent school where even the bottom group is above national average.
We still have moments where he displays nerves, self doubt, even tears in school. He can't handle teachers shouting at any of the other children, hates noisy assembly hall times, doesn't enjoy getting any work wrong ever. However his teacher handles it all beautifully. It's who he is and she just looks for coping strategies to help him. She sees the positives I all those things that others might see the problems in.
Rise above this teacher if you can, she sounds like she doesn't have the qualities of a truly good teacher; why don't you ask her if she can provide you with her strategy for dealing with shy children (so that you can be consistent at home!!!) that will no doubt blindside her but that might be no bad thing. Your child sounds delightful, he has the qualities that will make him a really good person as he matures and he doesn't need anyone taking any of that away from him. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you...

It's true that most children have to go through at least one bad teacher/year during their schooling, but to be faced with this at the very start of the school 'career' is so unfair :(

My DS is a lot like your son, but he was treated very differently by the teachers. At reception he wouldn't speak for the first two weeks. The teacher left it at that, and he started to talk to other children, and eventually to the teacher (although in as short sentences as possible, and again not to any other adults in the school, just this particular teacher at first). For most of the reception year he wouldn't agree to change for PE, and again it was left at that. I was told that kids are encouraged to change for PE in reception, but they only insist on this being done in Year 1, so according to the teacher it was too early to be pushing him.

My DS is now in Year 2. He is well ahead of all of his class academically. He doesn't have any issues in school, although he is still quiet and not very outgoing. A thinker. He has one best friend, and if one of them is not in school, it's nothing short of a tragedy

My DS is lucky that he is an autumn-born, so one of the oldest in class. He probably wouldn't be ready for school, full stop, at a delicate age of 4-and-a-bit. When he finished preschool, his preschool teachers said that they felt he was now ready, whereas 6 months ago they would have had doubts. I agree.

With regards to being a governor, SmallSchoolPrimaryTeacher is absolutely right. It would be inappropriate for you to raise issues about your child at a governor's meeting, 'pretending' that this issue is about the school in general rather than an individual incident. But you should absolutely raise it as a parent. Why not??? This will make the teacher more cautious about how she treats your son, and I think this is probably as good as it will ever get with her.

I would definitely consider changing the school, or home educating until the child is 5 y.old, if that's a possibility.

For the future I would look at drama classes in the area to develop your son's speech and confidence, so that his social skills are adequate and his shyness doesn't hold him back when he's an adult.