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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Reception: DD suddenly doesn't want to go: Long

36 replies

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 21:58

My dd (4) started reception in September, took to it like a duck to water and absolutely loved it. I took about an hour to settle her tonight after a long drawn out "conversation" and many many tears about not wanting to (a) be either packed lunch or school dinners and (b) not wanting to go to school at all anymore.

Everything seemed to be fine until she had a cold, was off for a day and I sent her back in probably too early, she took ages to eat her packed lunch probably because she was still feeling under the weather and so she was still there when the bigger (Y3+) kids came in for their lunch. She was a bit frightened of them and she came home upset. It took quite a while to get to what the problem was and I also went to see the lunch supervisor the next day to get to the bottom of things. I don't think there was any awful behaviour from the bigger kids but I think it did freak my dd out. Since then she appears to be rushing her lunch so that she doesn't have to see them (they have different playgrounds too). The following week I had to keep her off for another couple of days as her cold went down to her chest and the dr gave her antibiotics and told me to keep her off. Since then she has been saying that she doesn't want to have lunch at all because (a) she doesn't like eating with some of the other children (b) she doesn't like so and so's toy that he has in his lunch box, it frightens her (c) it's healthy not to eat her lunch (d) so and so has told her to eat slowly and she doesn't like him telling her what to do (e) it's yucky (she eats the same foods at home no problem) ... everytime I ask her why she doesn't want to eat her lunch she comes up with a different reason. She has been asking for more cuddles lately, had a "stomach ache" on monday for which I kept her off school because she didn't want to eat her breakfast/said she felt sick/crying/not her usual bouncy self but was fine by 11am asking for food. She appears to have lots of friends, has settled in well according to her teacher, is coming along fine with phonics. There have been the usual things that happen when children start school such as being friends/not being friends x 10 all in the same day, so and so saying this that or the other. All stuff that we talk about, what is acceptable/not acceptable behaviour etc.

Tonight, with only one more day to go she says she doesn't want to go to school at all, she says she misses me and that it's all my fault that I'm sending her in. I've tried to explain that all boys and girls have to go to school and that I love her but this doesn't seem to help. So many tears tonight and so many different reasons given for not wanting to go to school or to eat her lunch.

She has been in nursery part-time since 2.5, a few afternoons a week building up to 4 half day sessions and a full day gradually. She did take a long time to settle in and there were lots of tears, having been used to having me around all the time - I am a SAHM with very little family help - but within a few months she was fine.

Do you think it has suddenly just dawned on her that school is something she has to do all the time and that maybe the novelty has worn off (for other children too so perhaps this is effecting how they behave)? Is this normal, do most kids go through this? Why is it happening now, everything seemed to be going so well. Or does it sound like there is something else going on? It has been a busy week, she has had the christmas concert, a school disco and a school party within the space of a few days. Is she just worn out?

Anyone had a similar experience who can shed any light? I hate seeing her like this

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littlemiss06 · 15/12/2011 22:03

Aww no wonder you are so worried but you know what I think at this time of year especially with everything going on theyre excited and exhausted all in one and more than ready for the christmas break. Were having trouble with our little girl at the moment and has been more so over the last two weeks, Im pretty sure shes just tired with all the excitement going on in school. All my kids have gone through this phase and it will pass, have a word with her teacher and let them know, they can keep an eye on her then in school and make sure its nothing else bothering her

LynetteScavo · 15/12/2011 22:05

She's tired.

She needs to get a good nights sleep.

It's the end of term. Almost all children are exhausted at this time of year, and little things can seems like big things.

If she's still having problems in the new year deal with it then.

Do not start discussing the awfulness of the situation tomorrow morning before school. Be up beat and jolly and only mention all the good things about school.

bushymcbush · 15/12/2011 22:06

I haven't had any experience of this myself, but a friend's dd suddenly went off school a few months into reception. It didnt last long. I think it is the reality of it kicking in / the novelty wearing off / tiredness, and she will get over it quite quickly.

Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 22:10

thanks littlemiss06 it's reassuring that you've been through it with all your kids (this too will pass etc)

thanks too LynetteScavo good advice, no sad faces in the morning from me I think I will see how we get on in the first week of next term and if the lunchbox is coming back barely touched I'll have a chat with her teacher.

I was sooooooooooo pleased that she was super keen and was getting on great and then suddenly it all took a nose dive, really surprised me.

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notnowbernard · 15/12/2011 22:10

she's knackered

i agree, be 'chipper' - don't let her see you stressed or anxious or she'll think she's got reason to be

it'll pass

1 day to go - hurrah!

Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 22:11

I hope so bushymcbush (loving your name btw) she's such a bundle of fun and I hate to see her so upset

OP posts:

lesstalkmoreaction · 15/12/2011 22:11

Its quite common for primary children to go into meltdown over the tiniest things at this time of year, they are shattered, she will have just got used to the routine and it will have changed with all the xmas activities. The older children will be over excited and extra noisy.
They may have non school uniform, xmas lunch or parties that she could be worried about, all the cards as well can overwhelm them.
She will be ready for a break and then will have forgotton any worries by the time she goes back, if she hasn't deal with them then,not now.
Mine are all shattered, roll on 2pm tomorrow.

pooka · 15/12/2011 22:12

It's the end of one of the worst half-terms of the year. The kids are all absolutely shattered IMO - catching any bug going and going out in semi-darkness and coming home in the half-light too. Like miners off t'pit.

DS1 had similar wobbles last year, and the packed lunch/school lunch issue is always high on the agenda. He wants packed lunch. I want him to have school dinners. MIght write a note in his christmas card to say he can have a few weeks of packed lunches after christmas!

I think most kids do go through similar 'off' periods in their relationship with school. DD was fine in reception but had major 4 week wobble at the start of Year 1. DS1 had a rough time at the start of year 1 too, even thoughReception was fine in the main.

It is horrible. But she's still really young and she will be exhausted by this point in the term. Lots of rest over the holidays and hopefully she'll be more positive in January. Would it help if you gave her a menu of foods that she could control or choose for the packed lunch?

Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 22:12

I'm a bit knackered myself - god knows why!

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pooka · 15/12/2011 22:14

Christmas. Tis the season to be knackered IMO!

NonnoMum · 15/12/2011 22:14

Everyone hates going in at this time of year.

Especially the teachers.

(Can you take her in a bit later tomorrow so she doesn't have to go through a cold and windy playground and then sit with her for a bit?

Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 22:22

I suppose it is one of the worst terms of the year, I never really considered the winter/illness side/weird christmas excitment side of things just the "oh it's her very first one" side of things. Poor thing. Thing is pooka they're not allowed to take chocolate and cake to school . It's not about the food, it's all stuff she likes. A few weeks off is what she needs by the looks of it.

What's odd is that she doesn't even give me a kiss goodbye anymore, she just runs off into the classroom as soon as the bell rings! She certainly doesn't look like a girl who doesn't want to go to school

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Beccabell · 15/12/2011 22:24

Oh yes I've been through that twice with both dds. She'll be so tired, there is too much going on, she's been unwell, there is sensory overload with the other noisy and older kids that she can't cope with for the above reasons.
She'll feel better next term and a trick I found worked was a) dd helped me to make the packed lunch and I packed things that she liked even if it wasn't too healthy for a week or two and then weaned her off most of it and b)we made a sticker chart with reward for doing her best with lunch.
Reception is a real challenge for them at first and there will often be wobbles. It's awful when you deal with it for the first time though as you have a sick feeling that it will never end and sending them to school when they're not happy makes you feel anxious all day (and night sometimes too).

Beccabell · 15/12/2011 22:26

Just seen the ban on chocolate and cakes. You can get round that with a little bit of other junk like dippy cheese things, or sticky flapjacks etc.

Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 22:29

thanks Becca, I usually just make the lunch up whilst she's eating breakfast but that's certainly something we could do together.

I feel better knowing that it seems to be "normal" albeit upsetting. It's so hard to "let go" isn't it?

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Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 22:30

flapjacks! great idea, especially if we make them together

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betterwhenthesunshines · 15/12/2011 22:38

This happened with my DD in Yr 1 summer term and it went on for a loooong time and made me quite worried. She was quite ill over the autumn term and that's what kick started it all off I think, but neither the school or I could ever get to the bottom of it. Tummy aches (and she also had worms which then turned into anal thrush which sounds as though it would make anyone miserable ).
A holiday break made all the difference and she's now perky as anything and loves school Yr 2. Who knows? New teacher, feeling older and more grown-up, less worried about the work (although she is still struggling with her reading and writing).

I don't think they can explain very well what the matter is, or what's bothering them whihc is why you get a different answer every time. I hope the holiday time makes a difference for you too. x

Beccabell · 15/12/2011 22:40

Yes it is very difficult. There are other challenges that come up at different ages - my eldest dd is in year 7 (the first day at secondary school had my stomach in knots all day) - she loves it so far. In year 6 she was demotivated and fed up with the little village school she was in and it was a challenge to get her to do anything, and the girls were always falling out with each other in year 5 which was awful. I'm not looking forward to any teenage nastiness amongst the girls - that will be the next challenge.
Youngest dd is in year 2 and is very happy at the moment.
There will always be a few downs at different times for different reasons, and each one hurts as a parent. The thing to remember is - it always works itself out in the end and a phase is a phase.

Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 22:45

how can parenting be so daunting yet so utterly wonderful at the same time? I'm beginning to see that there are many more mountains to climb (and also that I appeared to have turned into a spouting wanker )

OP posts:

Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 22:46

appear

OP posts:

Beccabell · 15/12/2011 22:51

But it's worth every minute isn't it?
How were you to know that everything would be fine - you've no experience to compare it against. I had a major panic when my dd1 went through the school and dinner hating phase. I'm still weaning myself off the alcohol now :)

Original poster

ChrisMissWooWoo · 15/12/2011 23:00

it certainly is

on that note I'm off to give her a quick smootch before bed

OP posts:

Owlelf · 15/12/2011 23:12

I agree with other posters (and your own suggestion) that she is tired. Your comment about her bring fine at the start of school backs this up further- sounds like her tank is running low so she's ok in the morning but becomes tired very quickly. The time of year, long term, darkness, newness of school, excitement of Christmas, her nasty cold etc will all have contributed to this.

If she is anything like my DD when she is tired a molehill turns into a mountain in no time.

I think she may well feel better after the holidays.

Am envious that your DD's term is flimsy over. My DD doesn't break up until next Friday and she is so ready for it.

StupidLikeButton · 15/12/2011 23:18

I agree it's an "off" term for many of them...dark nights, end of term...aiting for Christmas...lots of bugs and colds...poor little thing...it does sound liek a build up of small things. she will forget all about it ovr Christmas I guarantee!

kipperandtiger · 16/12/2011 06:39

Yes, This school refusal is normal. Mine did it on day 3 of the first term after loving it on day 1! You're doing fine! I guess she is saying that she doesn't enjoy the "regimented" nature of school lunchtime and the rules, schedule, etc which are more relaxed at nursery but stricter once they reach reception. Mine found it hard when he realised it wasn't something he could just turn up to and leave whenever he felt like it and that there were specific starting and ending times to the school day that weren't flexible. But they will all eventually get used to it. Tiredness and being unwell may be the other reasons why she felt unenthusiastic about going.

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