a question to teachers...

crazygal · 2011-12-09T22:51:12+00:00

hi there... if you have a child with a dx who hits his teacher when hes angry,hits others,who argues constant,disrupts the class,and over all hard work, how do cope? do you end up wishing them out of your class? do you blame the parents?

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cat64 · 09/12/2011 23:48

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Original poster

crazygal · 10/12/2011 07:45

just wondered if you do blame the parents really,as we tend to blame ourselfs...:(
i recently had the teacher say all the above about ds,
hes hard work...
disrupts the class,
argues every word i say...
we have to take him out just so i can get on with teaching
he hits and punches me if he cant get his own way..

and i just was wondering how on earth the teacher copes with him,
and i just wondered....and wanted a teachers view,
we are all human though,
and yes theres days i want him to disappear!(just for an hr or 2!)

i work with the teacher very closely,i give her charts,give her rewards for him,i try to understand,and she has said the same of us,that we are great to work with and she never worries about having to "talk" to me about ds at times,
thank you for your reply,that has helped,xx

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cansu · 10/12/2011 08:09

agree that the parents support makes a big difference and that also includes remebering thta the teacher is human and gets fed up sometimes. I am both parent of an SN child and a teacher so am on both sides of fence. I don't expect school to get everything right because I don't. I think if you know the teacher cares and has your ds best interests that goes a long way. I also know that my dd is harder work than others and always remind myself that the teacher has thirty other little ones to think about too. I think that most teachers do appreciate that parenst of these children have it much harder and are therefore sympathetic.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 08:20

It depends entirely on the attitude of the parent. If they admit there is a problem and they want to work together to solve it then you feel that you can get somewhere. If you meet them and they tell you that 'he/she is adorable at home and they can't see a problem' then you feel that you are banging your head against a brick wall and hope they have a day off!!
You also need whole school support and hopefully a fulltime TA.

Therefore- everyone working towards a common goal=fine but teacher on her/his own with no support or back up-you don't look forward to your day.

Original poster

crazygal · 10/12/2011 08:24

thank you cansu
thats nice to hear,
it must be hard for the schools not to get everything right,as im the 1st to put my hand up and say i dont get it right all the time,at all!

the reason i posted was because ds told me yesterday that he kicked and punched one of the teachers because he wanted something,so she told him to calm down....and thats why he done it,
there was note in his bag about it,
but ive been thinking,they must hate him!
they must think.what a little spoilt brat!
ill chat with her on monday about it,x

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Original poster

crazygal · 10/12/2011 08:25

sorry there was no note in his bag about it,x

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exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 08:33

Go in and apologise and ask how you can help-it will be appreciated.

jamdonut · 10/12/2011 08:38

I agree with the poster who said about getting attached to the ones you put the most energy into (I'm a TA). What's really frustrating is, if a child's behaviour has been horrendous all day and we are al really frazzled by it..you go to see the parents at home time to tell them all about it, they look suitably annoyed, but then the child says " Can I have an ice-cream/sweets/etc?", as they begin to walk off, and the parent says "Yes,of course you can !"...

Aaaaargh!

That's the point you may start to get a little "judgemental".

Dustinthewind · 10/12/2011 08:45

To be truthful, some teachers will be unsympathetic and unwilling to listen, but that is bad practice and will need challenging when you come across one later down the road.
Most will be working hard on identifying the triggers that lead to the aggression, and on ways to minimise the negative impacts he makes on the class through positive reinforcement of the good behaviour in a way that's meaningful to him.
Star charts, small rewards, reasonable accommodations within the school. That sort of thing.
If you can do that as a teacher, and get it to work, get him to settle and achieve what he is truly capable of, it is a huge boost for you as a teacher.
You notice every slight improvement and work with it.
If his dx is related to the behaviours, then of course he's not a spoilt child, or the product of poor parenting. If you are working with the school, able to give your opinion and listen to theirs and discuss the way forwards, then everyone benefits. The school and teachersa should also be working to protect you and him from other parental opinions that your child is the spawn of the devil, and demands that he be excluded, and from bullying. They should also be accessing help and support outside the school if necessary.
I'm a teacher who has a son with a dx of AS. He's 17 and at college now, but as a primary child he was aggressive and responded with rage to different triggers.
His secondary school were amazing at helping him to slowly develop control and they worked with me without any gilt or dislike to everyone's benefit. There were one or two teachers that didn't cope, but the majority were terrific.

Dustinthewind · 10/12/2011 08:47

gilt?

guilt.

Original poster

crazygal · 10/12/2011 08:55

thank you dust...
ds is adhd and poss as...
hes also excluded from playground for the safety of others,which we are fine with ans so is ds,i just asked th teacher if i could bring in a small treat everyday next week as its xmas week that he can play with in doors while everyone else is out side,she was fine with that..
he hasnt got a 1-1,but they have advised me to go for a statement,which they will help me with from jan,
things should improve alittle then, :)
i can see the teacher is a little stressed with him,and i want to help her all i can,but nothing seems to work,
we WILL get there though.....thats my goal!!!

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Original poster

crazygal · 10/12/2011 08:57

DUST how was your ds as a child?
did you feel like me?thinking everyone hates him?:(

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Dustinthewind · 10/12/2011 09:08

My DS couldn't sit next to people, has sensory issues, didn't understand jokes and hated reading and writing up to the age of 8. His Y2 teacher was vile and impatient and left for the private sector after teaching him for a year.
He used to get stressed and then hit or slap whatever it was that was annoying him, he didn't do playgrounds either.
Things have got better and better as the years rolled by, he's still got AS and always will have, but his strategies and many and versatile, he loves reading and writing and is doing A levels with his friends.
A sentence I thought I'd never type 5 years ago.
But it is so very hard to keep that goal in sight when he was being villified and taunted by children, parents and other adults.
Or the ones that could cope with the idea of him having SN but got cross because he had no learning difficulties and thus on occasion did better in some subjects than their child.
So they couldn't do the 'ahh bless. But it takes a special mummy for a special child, and God never gives us more than we can cope with' angle.
Because they were too cross and felt it was a fix.
Primary was more of a nightmare than secondary TBH.

Dustinthewind · 10/12/2011 09:12

Short answer, yes. In primary, a lot of the children were either afraid of him, or used him for entertainment. He didn't care that he never had playdates, sleepovers, friends or worked in a group.
I cared a lot.

Original poster

crazygal · 10/12/2011 09:15

oh...your post has brought tears to my eyes...
sounds just like my son!! every word....

thank you,
ill come back here later,xxx

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snowball3 · 10/12/2011 09:21

Another teacher with an AS son here! ( there seem to be quite a few of us around!) When Primary aged, my son was also in the school where I taught. He could be aggressive and difficult ( to say the least!). My colleagues were very good at keeping the bad days from me until the end of school but I spent most playground duties on tenterhooks in case something happened to set him off . Parents found it difficult to reconcile the fact that, as a teacher I was considered to be very firm with a reasonably well behaved class but as a parent I had a son who was "badly behaved" and aggressive. I don't think everyone "hated" him ( although he certainly wasn't popular!) but children are much more accepting of differences than adults are

Dustinthewind · 10/12/2011 09:43

That must have been hard snowball, I've never taught in the same school as either of mine.

snowball3 · 10/12/2011 10:00

I heaved a ( shortlived) sigh of relief when he moved on to secondary school. Unfortunately the first four years there were pretty rough, it's only in the last few that his coping mechanisms have begun to cut in before he explodes! He's now in the second year of 6th form and we haven't had any "incidents" for 2 years He too will always have his problems-he has NEVER had a friend come round or has never been invited to birthday parties or social events, he still can't work in groups and finds the small classes of 6th form much easier to cope with than previously ( university is his next hurdle!). These actually never bother him, although I used to cry a lot

JWIM · 10/12/2011 10:11

I am neither a teacher or parent of a child with behaviour problems/diagnosis but I am a Governor at a Cof E primary and have to agree, sadly, that the attitude of the parents 'in the playground' is often less than 'Christian' and verges on the appalling. I have seen parents and children isolated by those adults and those adults try to steer their own children to adopt similar atttudes - and will not accept that their own children do not have the same prejudices towards the child when in school. I feel for those of you who have been on the receiving end.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 10:22

When I was supply teaching I really didn'tmind what the DCs were like-it was the adults that mattered.If they were helpful and supportive and told you what to do if there were problems with particular DCs it was fine. The ones that I didn't go back to were the ones where you were on your own, left to cope and then at the end of the nightmare day someone would say 'Oh-you met Jack then?!!' I appreciated the ones who said beforehand, 'Jack may be a problem-if so..........'

Original poster

crazygal · 10/12/2011 10:57

I inform the teacher most morns how ds is,she is quite chilled.
Every week I get on average,I ask 3 children round to try and mantain friendships and then to teach him how to share,turn take etc.
It's hard work tho!
However it's really lovely to here your stories,
Xxx

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PastSellByDate · 10/12/2011 17:10

Crazygal:

My DD2 is in a class with a child who also frequently hits out - often when feeling crowded/ confused.

She's really been walloped a few times - once with a black eye.

But I've never ever blamed the parents. If anything I felt ever so sorry for them - they're clearly exhausted by this child and working very hard (on top of full-time jobs) to support him and, I fear, rather neglecting his younger sibling.

I think if someone initially blames you or says something - you should see it as the heat of the moment. They were just upset for their child - as you'd be if my DD suddenly hit your child, for what seemed to be no reason. However, after a while, as a parent I suspect you'll realise these things happen and somehow it's easier to take when it's with someone who has some issues. It's harder to justify it when it's an older child who has no such issue, for example.

Original poster

crazygal · 10/12/2011 21:01

hi pastsell
its nice to hear that you would never blame the parent,
you say that if things happen,its easier to take when its with someone who has some issues.
no one knows of my ds issues,only the teacher and us know of his dx,im just not ready to talk,and certaintly not ready for anyone to say "yes,we can see he has issues,or we had guessed"
its something that i will consider in the new year maybe,x
but your post actually says alot there.x

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cat64 · 11/12/2011 00:09

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Dustinthewind · 11/12/2011 08:51

'you'll probably find that many of his class will have realised there are difficulties there, although they may not know what the diagnosis is.'

'He's spoiled'

'He's a nutter'

'His parents are incompetent, all he needs is discipline'

or often in my son's case:
'He's a teacher's son, so the teachers are all sticking together and letting him do whatever he likes'
'No. my child did nothing to him and he just hit her for no reason because he's a thug'

Please don't assume an intelligent and sensitive response is usual from parents, it's one of the things that makes primary so hard.