Do you resent your parents for not educating you privately?

[Ghoulwithadragontattoo]

Obviously I mean if they could afford to but decided against it?

No, I don't resent them, but I do sometimes wonder if they shouldn't have been a bit firmer and made me go.

I was a bright kid, and my teacher at 10 actuallytold my parents that she thought I would be able to really excell at the local private school. My parents were up for it (so presumably thought they could afford it) but then dropped it when I half-heartedly objected about leaving my friends.

I sometimes wonder if my life would have been any different - probably not! I went to a great comprehensive, a Top 10 university, and when I left Uni one of my best friends was a girl who would've been in the same year/ same school as the one I was due to go to!

No, we couldn't afford it but I won a scholarship to a private school that my dad refused to let me take. He was very against private education (was privately educated at well known boy's school himself and hated it). My mother was devasted. I don't resent my parents for not privately educating me, but I thank them often for giving me a hugely cosmopolitan education at a big inner London comp, with over 40 mother tongues and a roll that included every shade of the socio-economic spectrum from South London sink estates to someone with a hereditary title.

Wow - this thread really took off! I'm really grateful to everyone who has shared their experiences. It seems to me that the key is being responsive to your child; encouraging them but not pushing them whichever school they're at. And I think I knew that anyway but it is nice to have it confirmed that what we are doing is no more or less likely to guarantee intelligent or happy or well balanced children than other people.

I was privately educated until 11. My parents then sent me to do an entrance exam for the local private school (not boarding). I passed and remember being so excited because they had such lovely sports facilities etc. They then sent me to the local state school (good Grammar in fairness) even though they could have afforded the fees.

I don't blame them at all but do wonder how my life may have changed because I didn't really have anything in common with the kids I went to school with and may have made some better friends elsewhere.

Ghoul - I think you are doing the right thing. If you have a very good state school, and you are the sort of parents who are academically bright, and get involved with your child's education, then your kids will do very well - to the best of their abilities.
If at any point they are unhappy, or the school doesn't seem to be 'working' for them, then you probably have the option to move them into private. But it wouldn't be so easy the other way.

Our kids did state infant school, but are now at private school, but our reasons are different:
a) the local state secondary school we'd get into is just 'OK' - not brilliant - and DS1 is an academic high flyer who needs to be constantly challenged.
b) DS2 is an immature, summer born boy who was getting 'lost'in a class of 30

We're happy with pur choice, but it does put different pressures on the family - in terms of holidays/ new cars and home improvements etc.

I think it's the whole notion of believing you have nothing in common with most other people that puts some parents off private school.

(was referring to Butkin's comments).

I'm in the baddies camp. I could have gone on a full music scholarship to the excellent private school up the road, and frequently begged my parents to let me apply throughout my horrible secondary years. It was a rough school where teachers had to focus on the behaviour issues at the expense of pushing brighter kids. Also socially, I was socialising with the private school lot at music events and was so envious of their calm, organised, academically rigorous schooling. My parents had both attended the state secondary I went to and it was definitely a political choice to keep me there - they didn't want me getting bigger than my boots and hanging around with snobby, posh types, that sort of thing - inverted snobbery at its worst. It would 'toughen me up' apparently. I stuffed up my A-levels as a result of the school. I will send my children privately if a) I can afford to, and b) if I think it will suit their needs. Pushing your own political issues on your children is just selfish.

Whether they intend to or not, I would like to meet a parent who doesn't, deliberately or inadvertently, push their own political and ideological issues on their children.

Refusing to send your child to private school because you don't like the children at private schools (whom you have never met or socialised with) is of course inverted snobbery, no better than parents at private schools not wanting their children to mix too closely with children from the local rough state school. Thinking that having your child mix with rough, disruptive types will "toughen them up" and refusing to see the evidence of it just messing them up in your particular case, is either being wilfully misguided, or sadly mistaken. A failure, you could say, to understand your own child's personality and needs. It could and does happen just as easily the other way around - you send you child to a crappy private school and refuse to believe the evidence that they are miserable and that you are doing the wrong thing.

Rabbit - yes. I'm surprised and educated by this thread that so many posters are pissed off that they were sent to private school. I think listening to and understanding your kids is key.

It is all a matter of communication-listen to the DC. Those who were resentful were the ones who were not listened to,or the ones who put their personal beliefs in front of what suited the DC best.

Hugos - I found the number of people saying they actually resent their private education surprising too. I guess it is about what suits the individual child.

Whippet - I'm really grateful for the perspective given in your post. It has really clarified this for me. If we apply now for DC1 to go to our local very good state school we have a good chance of getting in. If we go private now and she is unhappy we are unlikely to be able to get her into the local school as it will be very oversubcribed - it always is. However, we will have a much better chance of getting her into private school if the local school doesn't work out since we'd be paying for the privilege and private schools have more autonomy over their admissions. I hadn't thought of it in those terms before so thank you.

I went to a comprehensive and it was hard. I was bullied, no one encouraged me and although I came out with a few exams, I could have done so much better at the local Grammar. However, it wasn't an option for me, my parents had never gone on to further education, so it was never going to happen.

DD went to the local state school until we moved her in September (y2), to an Indpendent school. We thought she would do well at the local school, but as time went on, it was obvious the class sizes were too big, she wasn't very happy and was beginning to switch off to learning. This was an Outstanding School by the way.

She is now thriving, loves the new school and is keen to learn and be involved, we have a different child and I am so relieved.

As Whippet says, it depends on the child and their needs as parents we have to look at the child and think of what is right for them, not what we want for ourselves. If our dd had been very self motivated and was extremely bright, I have no doubt she would have done well at the State school, as it is, she needs that extra input from the teacher and less distractions from a class of 30 and she is getting that in her class of 16.

However, you don't know how your child will respond to school and what type of student they will be until they start, so it is extremely difficult to make an informed decision, therefore we are bound to look at our own experiences.

Thanks KTk9 - it sounds like you have made the right choice for your DD and I'm glad she is now enjoying her school. You have done exactly what others have talked about on this thread and responded to the needs of your child.

Mine could have afforded it, but didn't send us - they said there weren't any private schools nearer enough and good enough to be worth spending the money given the state schools in the area. And no, I didn't go to grammar school. I would never dream of resenting this decision, it was very wise of them - I achieved everything I needed to academically and as a bonus got to learn what the real world is like, and that's invaluable in my experience. And I genuinely could not have done better - my siblings and I are all highly qualified and successful professionals and well adjusted too!

I've watched so many parents ruin their children's chances by allowing their child to dictate where they should go to school.

Boy, 10: "I want to go to Dregdale."
Mum, 44: "Why"
Boy, 10: "Because Mikey and Blissy is goin there innit."
Mum, 44: "Mikey and Blissy who? But OK then, so long as you work really hard."

Erm OP, that is only one of the things I resent my parents for.

Not letting me sleep with my mother until I choose not to? I resent them for that.
Having more children after me? I resent them for that.
Not earning more, so they could spend it on me? I resent them for that.
Living in N. Ireland in the 1970s & 80s? I totally resent them for that.
Not fulfilling the pony promise? Oh yeah, I resent them for that.

Don't get me wrong. I like them. They are quite nice and probably tried their best. I also like my siblings and stuff, but it wasn't what I wanted.

Thank you for reminding me that my unique personality and talents would have been better served in private school. I now resent them for that too.

Bastards.

I'm very grateful to my parents for all the sacrifices they made to send me to private schools, my brother is too. We had wonderful sports facilities which was great as we both excelled at sport and I do feel they made our education a priority and giving us every possible opportunity before their own luxuries - it was a struggle for them and they now only have a little money in their old age but they say it was completely worth it. I just wish I could afford it for my children, but will try my utmost to get them into the best state school I can and if at any moment can afford private will send them private, not all private schools are better than all state schools, but some are and some have amazing facilities with small class sizes and many opportunities, but I wouldn't have resented my parents either if they had found me a good state school, but I would have resented them if they'd had a lovely luxurious life and I'd gone to rubbish schools. I do know someone who does really resent her parents for never trying to get her into good schools - she is naturally very bright, but always went to schools where the kids were never expected to have any ambitions so she didn't in her 20's but now older she realises she was actually really bright and could have gone on to university and had a great job if she had gone to a better school.

My parents made their decisions for a good reason. When the time comes I hope dh and I make the best decision for our lo.

I was extremely unhappy (and unstretched) at secondary school, and I do have a bit of resentment for not having been allowed to try for a scholarship to the local private boarding school.

However I was not boarding school material and I doubt I'd have been very happy there either, so it's kind of a moot point. I do remember my father telling me it wasn't for people like us and thinking 'but I am SO SO SO unhappeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!' and not really understanding.

Hello OP,

you sound as though you are making your decision for really good reasons.

I am also interested in how many people resent the decision to send them to private school (my father would be among them). I suppose the danger is that if you decide to pay up, you're them emotionally committed to it being the right decision, so if your child is trying to tell you they're unhappy you're incentivised to turn a deaf ear.

I feel vaguely jealous sometimes when I see university mates who are quite thick but have very glamourous lives because of the contacts they made at Eton (though perhaps the financier father helped too.....). But I suspect that's a different issue.

I won a scholarship to a very academic private school. My parents turned it down because I was quite quiet and they thought I needed to have friends locally to build more social networks.

With hindsight I also wonder if they were intimidated by it as my mother has told me several times (always in passing) of the other girl from my year who went there on a scholarship, went to Cambridge and now has such a high flying career that her parents feel she has left them behind.

I think I would have done better academically there but I would not be the person I am today and I am very contented with my life so, no, I don't resent it at all. I still did ok for myself.

Interestingly we sent both of ours to independent school but it was clear to us, as to Whippet upthread, that it was right for them as individuals and I wouldn't have hesitated to send them to the state school if that had seemed better. Certainly not a political decision for us.

Private education? I wish.

I am bitter at been made to leave my excellent state grammar school at 16 to go out to work (any untrained work - they didnt care) when I was academically able. Bitter they didnt think I was worthy of a proper education so I could have a decent career and support myself and bitter they paid for my sister to go Uni 10 years later and never acknowledged the unfairness. I remain hurt and bewildered, and, yes, bitter.

Being the eldest stinks. Darling DH funded my education. We have tried VERY hard to make sure my eldest is not similarly disadvantaged - but then, we actually care about her ...