Do you resent your parents for not educating you privately?

[Ghoulwithadragontattoo]

Obviously I mean if they could afford to but decided against it?

Actually, my parents' politics played a great part in their choice of education, thank you very much. They put me in for the exam for the local posh school, twice. I passed, twice. (In fact, given that said school held my place open for ages, in the hope I'd take it up, I suspect I did quite well.) They made their decision on political grounds.

I don't like my parents very much, but I agree with that decision.

Yes- I had a bursary to the top girls school in the country at the time, and they threw it over for their socialist principles to have 2 more children.

It wouldn't have been so bad if it had been for excellent state schools, but the year after I left my secondary it had the dubious honour of being in the lowest 5 achieving in England

They actually had to appeal to get me into that school

I had no support whatsoever with education, yes they went to parents evening, but that was it. Had to support myself through university too.

1 parent a lecturer, 1 a teacher btw. [Deeply bitter]

Yes Motherinferior but it worked out for you. The people who are resentful are the ones where things didn't work out either academically or for some other reason. And that's what I'm worried about - if things don't work out at the state school will my children say why didn't you give us the opportunity that private education affords.

Now that I have had oxygen administered and have picked myself up off the floor I will actually answer the OP's question.

My parents were working-class, juggled jobs to make ends meet and the idea of a private education was never even hinted at for myself and my brother.

However, what I do take away from my upbringing - and my parents are both dead now - is a strong moral code; helping others, treating others as you would like to be treated, charity, tolerance, respect. And we were educated at the local c of e and primary and the, truly, comprehensive school in the town.

In answer to some of the posters points, i would say to february1970 "Independant schools can attract superb, experienced staff, not to mention that they have the advantage of removing disruptive pupils" - sounds like a case of ra, ra, ra, we're going to smash the oiks to me. Disruptive pupils? God forbid, send them to Borstal. And I know that the teachers who look after my children every day are qualified teachers.

And to ragged "I strongly resent the implied assertion that private must be better" Damn right, it is this that really riles me, "I am paying for it so therefore it must be better".

A last point of february1970 "Independent education does not usually mean "rich people" and "snobs", these children are simply stereotypes. Well, love, you're not exactly doing a lot do de-bunk that myth.

As for political convictions, again it is an individuals choice, and I would like to point out that yes I could afford private for my three, but I'm so glad that I send them to state school.

Instead of the opportunities that state education affords, you mean?

Believe me, I resent my parents for many, many things. I boil with resentment. I could write the Resenting Your Parents handbook. But no, I do not resent their principled opposition to private education.

No

I suppose my partner and his brothers might resent being sent privately, mind, because I have a much posher degree than any of them...

No I don't - finances would probably not worked out anyway -although I might have got a scholarship. Also the private schools in my view - in my city were not that great - and I certainly know at least one girls that was badly bullied at one. however my parents politics meant they sent me to a school which was a bit patchy - good in some areas but pretty rubbish in other - and I did feel pretty out of it - I wish they had looked a wider range of (state) schools - I did fine academically BTW but I think other schools might have suited me better

Thanks for coming back Iamnot - that was my first (although now not only) biscuit I don't think we are coming from very different points of view here I just wanted to hear what people honestly felt as I would hate my children to resent me if I could have done something differently.

Your children are going to resent you. In any case. That's what children do. They will find your weak points and they will sulk and they will accuse you of Doing The Thing That Wrecked Their Lives.

So if you persist in this misplaced guilt, you are handing it to them on a plate. But if you capitulate to it, I'm quite sure they'll find something else to flounce about.

BTW just realised this is in primary education - personally I think unless there are very very strong reasons why - you would have to be a bit mad to educate privately for primary - most primary schools are so lovely -and also being part of the community is brilliant - bit different thing for secondary- I loved my state primary school too - very good call on my parents there - as I said secondary not so sure

ghoul the advantages afforded by private education are not significant compared to the advantages of having committed parents who are engaged and active in their children's education.

Private education at the very top level gives some significant advantages: a ready made network of contacts and potential employers, supreme confidence and a lot of polish; but this is really only at the top level of public schools.

A lot of the rest of it is fluff. Sports facilities? They look very impressive but the majority of serious aspiring athletes will be members of clubs anyway so school facilities are irrelevant. Music? Ditto, youth orchestras, operas and bands are everywhere.

Anecdotes are not data and all that but my DBs went to some of the most expensive boarding schools in the country and have struggled with addictions, broken relationships and unemployment. I went to a (very good) comp, degree at Imperial, PhD at MIT and have worked all over the world doing a very exciting and well-paid job. Would things have turned out differently if I had gone to whatever the girls' equivalent of Eton is? I have no idea.

I went to the comp because my parents thought that girls' education didn't matter as much as that of boys btw.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo "I don't think we are coming from very different points of view here"

I clearly need to work on my posts if you think that I agree with you.

motherinferior - you're right; I know you're right. DH and I were happy in our decision to send the children to one of the local state schools and then a few people seemed surprised that we weren't going for the private option. And that's with decent schools round. Can't imagine how I'd be if the state alternatives were genuinely not that good.

My husband resents his parents for sending him to a private boarding school. I don't resent my parents for not having the money to send me to private school although I know that I would have got better A levels had I gone to private school as my school was quite bad (although thought it wasn't).

Will my children resent me in 20 years time for not sending them private?

Will update in 2031.

Two words to sum up why I wouldn't send mine private. Harry and Maxwell. Young apprentice.

malinois - good post -do agree and my experience bears that out
I also knew quite a few people who went to expensive boarding schools who are not in emotionally good shape - I suspect it didn't help
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I think a child would have a right to resent a parent who didn't show an interest in, and support, their education. Who didn't at least try and select a school they think suited their child (my parents stuffed this up big time with my middle school but at least they tried). Or who wouldn't listen, or notice and try and help, when their child was unhappy at school.

Of course, children resent their parents for all sort of things. But it doesn't mean that resentment is justified.

Iamnot - I think you're reacting to the fact that my title is phrased so as to encourage people to talk about their school experiences good and bad in state and private sector. My view is that the local state school is the best one for my children. I wanted to hear that peoples experiences of private schools were not so much better that my kid will not say why didn't you give us this extra opportunity. In other words I wanted some confirmation that my decision was reasonable and that those doubting it were wrong.

I resented my parents for sending me to private school. It was completely the wrong environment for me - perhaps a different private school would have been better, perhaps one of the excellent state schools in the area. I don't know, they never bothered to look into it. Mostly I resent them for not listening to me, for not looking at my specific needs and, as Iamnot so beautifully put it, for taking the relentless attitude of "I'm paying for it so it must be good", the implication also being that if you pay for it, it has to be better than state ed.

I could go on, but all I can say, OP, is be very clear of your reasons and take an interest in your kids. They may resent you for that when they're 16 but I doubt they'll carry it into adulthood.

franke - yes - that's it exactly I don't think my parents looked into my specfic needs - in that case it was our politics say this so this what we will do - I don't resent exactly - its just my 5 years at secondary school weren't much fun - and maybe they could have been better - maybe not - I think if you are doing the best you can in the round then that all you can do - and when your adult kids say why did you do x - say sorry!

No.

It was actually offered - a grandparent offered to pay for a drama/dance-orientated boarding school. I was horrified at the thought of living away from home (and I was a fan of Mallory Towers, Trebizon etc).

I did get a bit pissed off when my dad got all enthusiastic about a male friend at a public school who got to go on Tall Ships Races, and interesting field trips to Svalbard or whatever. That sort of thing wasn't even thought of at my school, let alone available.

I agree Maisie and Tilly, but of course the issue (and obviously what the OP is facing) is that people who have already chosen private eduacation don't believe what you say could possibly be true.

I'd say to the OP that I think you have to consider the future of your whole family (including yourselves) before making such a choice. And it is a personal choice and should not really be influenced by others.

In my experience there are quite a lot of people sending their children to local independent schools who also have large houses with large mortgages and large cars on contracts. So a lot of "visible" wealth that is not based on anything particularly concrete. In the past 2 years, 4 families in my street have had to change their lifestyles (including schools) due to job loss, own business contracting and 2 divorces.

My DH wanted to think about independent schools, and as I have already said, I am anti and persuaded him to my way of thinking in the debate. However, this decision 12 years ago means that we have no mortgage, no debt and can have 2 holidays a year if we choose. As I say, that was what we decided was important to us - you may be different and have other priorities ... but do think about the long term.

No. But I am slightly resentful of the fact that I was sent out to work instead of going to university so that I could "pay back some of the money that's been spent out on you over the past 18 years." I would have been on minimum grant, and it was made very clear to me that I could not expect any contributions from my parents. As it turned out, I managed to get on a graduate scheme with just two A levels, but the lack of degree has meant that it has been pretty much impossible to change my career, given that most employers these days seem to use a degree as a sift, and only after that, look at what you have done in the past 20+ years.