Transgender child

[dragonsbreath]

Hi everyone, my first post on here. I found this place searching on the internet for some support. I have a 10 year old son currently in year 6 who we have thought for a long time is like a girl in a boy's body, both in personality (not to make gender stereotypes), female friends, and a desire for girls toys and clothing. I have just found more than 1 or 2 examples where 'boys' have returned to school as girls so it really does exist, and psychologists have confirmed this independantly. But does anyone here have any experience, either themselves or maybe children of friends, classmates etc.

I suppose my main concern is letting him fit in without feeling marginalised and emotionally detached, as she doesn't want to 'pretend' but feel she really is a girl. The uniform is no problem as it is completely unisex and very few wear skirts or dresses at his school. Its things like openly having interests (tv, hobbies etc.), down to subtle things like schoolbag, pencils, playtime games.

You say " a girl in a boy's body" - could it just be that he is an effeminate boy and finds enjoyment in pursuits that are universally stereotyped as for girls' only.

Or do you feel it is something deeper than that?

Does he articulate about how he feels?

My 3.5 yr son likes some girly things like watching strawberry shortcake, has dressed up as a princess and chooses pink sometimes, I think it's normal in an unconditioned society. Lots of the boys stuff is aggressive even early on. Do you think your DS could be more sensitive or is it a whole identity issue?

Thanks for fast reply Scarlettiswalking. I guess it is a fine line but I'm not sure it matters, unless I have misunderstood you.

"enjoyment in pursuits that are universally stereotyped as for girls' only"

Yes, and a little too frequently to be a passing thing. If that makes sense.

Just to add he is having problems socially in and out school because of it and is torn between trying to be a boy and accepting she is a girl. Kind of a 3rd sex which is very awkward.

I am not sure why he has to 'accept he is a girl' just because he likes doing the things traditionally associated with girls. Why shouldn't he be a boy and still like those things - whatever they are? Or is there more to it than that?

Does he want to be a girl/feel he is a girl or does he like/want/need to do things that are "girls" things in our culture?

These are completely different things.

If he feels that he is actually a girl and that his outward appearance is wrong then that is one thing, but our culture fits boys into a very narrow box - that is (should be) our culture's problem, not our boys'.

I think you should get a referral to people who can talk to your child about these issues and help decide whether this is an ongoing gender identification issue, or more general identity issues about the things he enjoys.

Many boys like "girlish" things, but most of them do not identify as being "a girl in the wrong body". It would be a mistake to allow a child to go far down the whole "dressing as a girl and adopting a girl's name" route unless you are all sure that this gives a greater chance of being ok with ones-self than not.

I've known a couple of transgender adults, and they were sure from an early age that this was the way they were, and struggled against it. But I've known far more tomboys and boys who like "feminine" things, so the probability is much higher that it isn't a full-on transgender life that he/she neds, but just an acceptance that we are all unique individuals and shouldn't have to conform to stereotypes because of a single thing like gender.

In any event, when he goes to secondary school, there will be far less boyish/girlish divisions, and more opportunity to be an individual.

I agree with the others that you need to find out whether he is just a boy who likes doing things that are put into a 'girly' box by society, or whether he actually feels that s/he is a girl.

I do know several transgender people and two hermaphrodites who had horrendous times as children, and even now as adults, bear the scars of their formative years. They're all lovely people and I just want to hug them when I realise how hard life is for them.

If you think your child is in the wrong sex body, then there may be some support and advice available from specialist support groups.

You may appreciate I don't want to be too specific over the internet but I am glad people are being supportive of his differences. He does like to dress as a girl outside school but only with family or the handful of friends he has. The clincher for me is the marked effect on his social life but maybe its just kids being kids. I guess we need to tread carefully on this one.

And the most confusing thing in this thread is probably my title, sorry if 'transgender' is not the right word. Shows how little I know.

There was a 10yo child in Worcester recently who was born male and returned to school as a girl after the summer holidays.

The parents spoke out in the local paper a few times about the situation and their child , about the support they'd had by the school, other parents and readers of the newspaper etc.

I wonder whether parents like these would be willing to talk to you if you approached them via the newspaper ie. ask the paper to pass on your details. They might be able to advise you or point you in the direction of professionals who have helped.

I think the later primary school years are the time in life where boy/girl divisions are the most obvious and divisive, where as you say things like pencil cases are either pink & sparkly or camouflage/football, which makes it difficult to "fit in" if you don't conform.

Unless he's very confident, then turning up with a pink pencil case and slides in his hair is going to be very difficult. But you can still help to pick out things which are more neutral and don't make an issue of gender either way.

And after this summer, he'll be at secondary school - it really does get easier there, as people are finding themselves as individuals, and are also more likely to form into mixed groups instead of "girls in this corner playing these games" and "boys charging round playing chase", so it's simpler to find a friendship group where gender (and gender stereotypes) aren't as rigid.

If you haven't already, then do talk to your GP about it and see if you can get a referral - most children who feel this way will settle into their original gender, and find ways to be happy about who they are, but a handful won't. And the issues are likely to get more confusing around puberty, so a bit of advice and guidance before then (for him and for you) would probably help.

I have two really close friends who are transgendered. Both now say that they knew from an early age, but I wonder if they would have known explicitly at a young age, or implicitly (and then later it comes into focus when they become aware of how they feel about their gender) I think it's so wonderful for your child that you are open and supportive, that's going to be really, really huge asset to him/her in the years ahead especially if he (she!) is really transgendered. It's probably the best thing you can do. I suggest you seek proper advice and support from a professional who specialises in transgender people, who is supportive and doesn't think gender-mixed behaviour needs to be "cured" (hopefully that's now quite old-fashioned!) and can help you and your child decide what is best.

I think that you should see your gp for referral asap as it may take a whle to get to the best person (maybe do some research on internet into best person to see): if he has got ongoing issues, which he may have if still dressing as girl at his age, then there are injections he/she can have which would delay puberty for a few years, giving a bit more time to decide, if conversion seemed like the best option then it would be more convinincing if his voice hasn't broken etc, as some aspects of puberty are hard to reverse. It won't be easy but I am sure with the professional help out there he can feel happier in his /her body.

A friend from the states had this link as her status on facebook a few days ago...

shine.yahoo.com/video/andersoncooper-26533212/why-it-s-important-to-tell-our-story-27282928.html

Its an american talkshow host interviewing a family with a little transgender girl who are talking openly about what they have been through and how they are doing. Hope this helps?

Shouldn't you be helping him accept what he is, ie a boy who likes doing girl things, rather than helping him reject what he is?

"trying to be a boy and accepting she is a girl"

She? You say in the OP, you have a 10 year old son.

My son spent the first 4 years of his life in an Alice in Wonderland dress but he was never a she.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock the OP explicitly states that the child feels like a girl, not like a boy, and doesn't want to pretend. That's why transgender is being discussed.

Trying to force a child to be something they aren't is just opening up even more heartache than there needs to be.

Sorry but has your child actually said he wants to be a girl/feels wrong as a boy? From what you have said so far it seems like he likes girls stuff (which is normal) and you are almost trying to shoehorn him into this. Not sure why you would do that unless it is something that is actually upsetting him?

Hi dragonsbreath,
if you search for transgender in the archives you might find some threads with some thoughts that might be helpful to you. I can especially think about this one, that I started last year but I am sure there are others. Hopefully you will get some more good replies on your own thread here though. The child I mention on the other thread has now started the hormone suppressing drugs, and is still en route to a gender change in later years. Meanwhile, finding a gender consultant to talk all this through with, could be useful for both yourselves and your child.

We are talking about a 10 yr old here. probably in the first throes of puberty and swimming in hormonal changes.I don't think right now is the right time to be making this sort of decision!!
.And I agree with Angryfeet.This seems to be coming from you rather than your DS.You need to let him know that boys can like girl's stuff without being a girl!!
Please, please , please don't let him be a girl at this tender age!

spiderpig I know that the OP is still exploring the issue with her child over whether they are transgender or just into girl things, but this statement "please don't let him be a girl" troubles me.

Would you say that to a genuine transgendered child who knew they were in the wrong sex body? What if this child is actually a girl but in a boy's body? How do you think trying to force a child to be something their not at this tender age is going to affect them in later life?

The child may be transgender, or girly, or effeminate, or even hermaphrodite. We don't know yet. But statements trying to force the issue one way or another are unhelpful to everyone.

Years ago I got to know someone through work who I became friends with. Talking to him was like talking to a female friend. Not in any kind of overly camp way - just a very natural way. I assumed he was a gay man - I knew he liked blokes - but that didn't quite fit. He just seemed to think like a woman.

He came to my office one day and nervously, and very bravely, told me that he was in the early stages of a sex change. And then it all made sense. He didn't "want" to be a woman. He was a woman who had, by some peculiar quirk of nature, developed a male body.

We've lost touch now but I often think of her and would love to find her again.

OP - I think sometimes you just "know". I know an 18 year old who is gay. It's been obvious since he was in primary school. Let him be himself for now. He's still very young. All the best whatever the future may hold. x

worldgonecrazy-He will be absolutely crucified at school if she sends him back as a girl.Especially when he starts at secondary.
Just wait a while

Since when did cross-dressing and liking girls and girls' things make you transgendered or in the wrong body?

Might he be a male for whom a little dressing up from time to time will suffice: "In the evenings my name's Susan" type of thing?