Transgender child

[dragonsbreath]

Hi everyone, my first post on here. I found this place searching on the internet for some support. I have a 10 year old son currently in year 6 who we have thought for a long time is like a girl in a boy's body, both in personality (not to make gender stereotypes), female friends, and a desire for girls toys and clothing. I have just found more than 1 or 2 examples where 'boys' have returned to school as girls so it really does exist, and psychologists have confirmed this independantly. But does anyone here have any experience, either themselves or maybe children of friends, classmates etc.

I suppose my main concern is letting him fit in without feeling marginalised and emotionally detached, as she doesn't want to 'pretend' but feel she really is a girl. The uniform is no problem as it is completely unisex and very few wear skirts or dresses at his school. Its things like openly having interests (tv, hobbies etc.), down to subtle things like schoolbag, pencils, playtime games.

I don't really understand what 'feeling like a girl' means further than liking girls things and sexual attraction.
I just feel like me, I never give any thought to whether I feel like a woman or a man.Besides my only experience of being a woman is being me, so how would a transgendered woman know that she was in the wromg sex body.I really don't get it!

' I think sometimes you just "know". I know an 18 year old who is gay. It's been obvious since he was in primary school'
..but that's a whole different thing!

spiderpig he will only be "crucified" because attitudes to sex and gender are still in the Stone Age for some adults and they pass on that ignorance and prejudice to their children.

Society is becoming more open to the idea of differently-gendered people to just male or female. As with becoming more open to the idea of different sexualities, we have a long way to go, but there will be those children growing up now who pioneer the way forward for others.

I hope my daughter lives to see the day when people of all genders and (legal) sexualities can live openly and without fear. I know there is far too much progress to be made for it to happen in my lifetime, but we get there one step at a time.

I just had a discussion with my 70 something father which made him reassess his prejudice towards homosexuals, so it's never too late to change.

Yes spider. It is a whole different thing. As you will see if you read my post back I have known somebody that is a transgender as an adult.

I was merely trying to point out that just because the child is young doesn't mean that the fact that they are transgender, gay or anything else can't be blatantly obvious. Even if it is clearly to early for anything to be "done" about it other than seek further information and professional assistance.

Yeuch at the Tavistock clinic advertising on Mumsnet.

< face palm > just realised MrsJAlfredPruFrock must be a troll! Shame on me for responding to the first post!

Only in the parallel universe that is MN would anybody think it a good idea for a ten yr old boy to be sent to school, as a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spiderpig Quite. But you must be a troll for thinking it.

i agree with the posters saying he may be a boy who just likes things which are traditionally female. get some expert opinion on this matter

Some years ago, I taught a boy who was born a girl.

He knew from a very early age that he was a boy. He began to live as a boy when he was 10. He was a boy. He is now a man.

It was the right decision for him to live as a boy- he made this change and was supported by his peers, it really wasn't that big a deal for them.

To write off a child's feelings about their gender by dismissing it as part of puberty is potentially very damaging IMO; if you feel that you are in the wrong body, puberty itself is likely to hugely exacerbate the problem.

OP, is your DC having any counselling or other support?

All this advice is great in theory - child shouldn't have to change, change society....parent is making situation worse by forcing their views of the child's preferences on the child. It feels clear that very few of you have had a child who is genuinely confuse about their gender. A friend doesn't count, it's so easy to be all liberal, sympathetic and outraged at society for not accepting someone else's child - when it's you own it's quite different. You know your child will struggle to fit while at school, you see it in their friendship groups and the comments the other kids make. You feel you have to gently encourage them not to wear their sister's clothes when other kids visit because you know that it will cause them to be picked on - you don't wish your child to be the one whose bad experience creates new rules. You don't want them to be ashamed of who they are but you know if they reveal themselves life will be hell.

It's a tough path, I consider myself an open minded, liberal parent but the rest of the world isn't and my child is stuck with school till he's 18...stuck with his peer group, I don't want him to be victimised, I want him to be himself without worrying about bullying but that is wishful thinking. OP I so feel for you, I have tortured myself trying to resolve this dilemma...I still don't know the answer...his position feels so vunerable.

Oxfordgold, your post is so touching.Your poor DS, I wish him well for the future x

MrsJAlfredPruFrock the Tavistock aren't advertising on MN, people are referencing them.

Knowing what I do of the Tavi, I can't think of a more appropriate place to be talking about them - they have a huge children and families remit. They even have their own school.

spiderpig8

worldgonecrazy-He will be absolutely crucified at school if she sends him back as a girl.Especially when he starts at secondary.
Just wait a while

No not nessesarilly Children are thankfully far more understanding and accpeting of unusual situations than what adults whom often have preconceived ideas about what should happen..

our goddaughter goes to an all girls school where one of the children's name is now a male one and he lives as a male it is completely accepted and the only comment that we have heard of it is " why is no other boy allowed in the school when He can be here?" This is despite the fact that he started dressing as a boy in year 9 so had been in the school for 2 years prior as a girl. (he is currently going through assessment to become a boy)

I would second the reccomendation for the travistock clinic read up about it and get some expert aid in how to deal with this.

As for the poster that had never considered hwo she felt it is a bit like the argumentabout if you should change your name when you marry . Some of us feel an identity strongly others do not feel it. Your lucky you dont but let me ask you this how would you like it if someone starrted to call you say John insisting you were John even though your name may be say Anne? You would protest likely correct them? Im not John Im Anne... It is simply put but we all have a sense of identity it comes much much sooner than age 10. As parents the best we can do is aid our child in what is right "for them"

I love the world you think you live in Lonnie. I believe society feels it's more acceptable to be a tomboy than a boy who dresses and acts like a girl. Girls don't seem to feel as threatened as boys. And it feels you are reporting on something you know very little about - a child at your Goddaughter's school - do you even know the child involved, do you know the parents intimately, do you know what that child goes through. Do you hear reports back from your Goddaughter or her parents, who sees it as something that doesn't bother them? This does not mean this child gets treated like everyone else. On Mumsnet we are happy to air our emotions in real life, but parents often keep quiet about the details of their child's emotional well being in real life - even my closest friends and my family do not know how much my ds's situation affects him or us, they may guess what's happening though.

Just to add my support and little bit of experience. I have a son who has always liked dressing up in girls clothes and liked toys which are designated "for girls". when he was younger he was very unhappy in his own skin (at times literally trying to tear at his skin with his teeth) - he was very distressed at times. But he is comfortable with himself now. The change has been not that he's started living as a girl - inspite of all his "feminine" tendancies he is strongly male. What has made him fine with himself is the realisation that he doesn't have to choose - he can be a boy and like "girls" things. With no box to fit into, he's just fine

oxfordgold I don't think anyone on this thread is trying to pretend that life is easy for those who have a sexuality or gender different to the 'norm'. I think it's because we don't have rose-coloured glasses that we're on this thread offering support. Of course no parent wants their child to be at increased risk of bullying, homelessness, suicide or murder. That's why there have been posts offering support and sources of help and support from parents who have found themselves in a similar position, so that the child can get the best support to find out for themselves whether they are a boy who likes girly things, or a girl in a boy's body.

Children are remarkably accepting of difference. It's the adults who carry the prejudice and transfer it to their kids, it's the adults who throw children out of their home because they can't cope with them being different, it's the adults who carry out the attacks and murders. That's why those who aren't carrying such prejudiced have to speak out when they see prejudice such as posts saying "Yeuch" when someone puts a link to a clinic that helps children with gender issues.

Oxford I was trying to protect the childs identity and there will not be a lot of people in the UK like this hence whom I speak of could easilly be identified. My comment was about how others (peers) would take it. I am in no way trying to say this is easy for parents or child.

I have a dear friend whom is currently being assesed to go through a transgender operation. I know very well what people - ADULTS put her through. I have watched the disgust in their eyes when they believe she is wrong to be dressed as a female and I have heard people say some deeply hurtful and unplesant things. ( I have been with her when we were told to get out of a pub as they didnt want " freaks like her " there) Their loss they miss out on what a wonderful fantastic person she is.

The post was in response to someone saying that the child would be crusified and I am standing by my comment that it "may not nessesarrilly be so". Please do not out of that presume that I know nothing of this subject, that I am naive or that I do not understand how big a upheavel and how much will be asked of this child's parents. Not to even begin on how much this will be affecting the child.

Thankfully in " my world" as you so scornfully call it I know some people whom are tolerant of those that do not live the way society feels we " ought"

I would 2nd worldgonecrazy's post very much. Most of the time it is the adults that has the issue.