DD being led astray by another girl in her class

[peppajay]

My 5 yr old DD is being led astray by another child in her class and there behaviour together is becoming disruptive to the rest of the class. The teacher splits them up at all times and during lesson time she suceeds but at carpet time they move closer together and always end up causing trouble. This other little girl does have special needs and is emotionally very immature. My DD is no angel and does have a mischevious streak in her but when her friend was off school for a week before half term, the teacher said my DD was a different child and was so good and was getting gold stars and certificates of good work all week but as soon as her friend came back she started being disruptive again. Last yrs teacher was a bit older and more experienced and she admitted that the other girl is in the ring leader and my DD follows but this yrs teacher is very soft and she is very non commital about who is causing the problem.

If the problem persists into next term they will have to split them up but I am worried that they will put my DD in another class as she doesn't have the emotional issues that her friend does. Altho she knows children in the other classes and she would probably be ok I don't think it is fair on her. All the school always says is you have to make allowances for her friend coz of her circumstances!! I think strictness is the way to stamp it out no pussyfooting around but her teacher seems so weak in this she is all for praising the good and then the bad will stop. Apparently at lunchtime my DD never misbehaves coz she has the strictest lunchtime lady in the school and she will stand for no nonsense!!! Also at the groups my DD attends out of school away from this other child her behaviour is fine but her friend seems to be disruptive where ever she is.

I just don't want my daughter to suffer because of this child and she absolutely loves going to school and I don't want this to change.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Thanks x

If your DD can behave when her friend is not there, then she's choosing to misbehave - that's your issue, not what the other girl is doing or who should be in what class.

"I think strictness is the way to stamp it out no pussyfooting around"

Does this not apply to your dd then?

What are you doing about your childs behaviour? Other than excusing it?

I am not excusing her behaviour just merely saying that she can behave when the other child is not there. If she misbehaves at home she gets a warning then if she continues she loses a privilige but at school they don't seem to be tough enough. We keep telling her to behave and she goes to school with the best intentions but forgets it all when she gets together with her friend!!! She doesn't choose to be silly with other children just this one child!!!

It is quite possible that the other girl behaves when your DD is not there - the two of them may just spark off each other.

You cannot change the other girl's behaviour and you have no control over what happens in the classroom. Your only option is to work on your own child's behaviour.
Could you organise some sort of communicate method with the school? for example, if she doesn't display this behaviour at school she gets a positive reinforcement at home, otherwise, you take a privilege away (tv time, etc).
If nothing works, then maybe a chance of classroom won't be a bad idea, she is still young and will adapt easily.

What jeee said.

Funny it's always the MNer's child who gets led astray and never does the leading isn't it?

What Jeee said too.
Dd1 had a lovely friend that they used to do things that separately, or with another child, they would never had dreamed of doing. Neither was totally to blame, and me and the other parent knew that we blamed both equally. They grew out of it and are still friends many years later.

How is your child likely to suffer?

She knows the children in the other class and, given that you believe that she's being led astray, may relish the opportunity for autonomy from this particular friend.

And the school are right. The child with SEN will have less control over their behaviour - it's called having SEN.

ok so you are all of you are of the understanding to stick up for the other child and not my own, so maybe my parents were right!! I always swore I would stick up for my child as my mum and dad never listened to my side of the story and whenever I got into trouble it was always my fault never anybody elses. I always now blame myself for everything as that is what I was taught to believe, my fault my ex abused me, my fault when a colleague stole the petty cash and blamed me. I don't how to defend myself as I never had my parents sticking up for me always the other child. Other kids always had their parents going up the school defending them. I used to dream that one day my dad would think actually mayhbe sometimes it is someone else causing the problem. Ok so it is my daughters fault and I will keep on letting her believe she is a naughty worthless girl whose mum always thinks other children are better than her, just like my dad made me feel!! :(

They are probably leading each other astray.

You are deliberately mis understanding what everyone is saying.

No one is saying that you have to make your child feel worthless.

You can work on your daughter's behaviour, but not that of the other child.
Your daughter is choosing to behave badly.

peppa why are you bringing up your own issues with your ex and the petty cash? THat has nothing to do with your DD. Now I understand that your DD is not getting the most out of school because she's not behaving well....why dont you encourage some other friendships? Invite some other children home for tea so that they get a strnger relationship and your DD isn't only wth the other girl. If it were me, I would insist that they don't it together....the teacher should make that happen.

You should not be sticking up for anyone: you should be doing what it takes to help your dd to do well and have a good time at school. You're her mum, you are there to teach her the skills to get on with people and not get exploited by others. If you tell her she can be led by other people and it won't be her fault, then you are setting her up for the kind of scenario you worry about.

In the present case, your job should be listening to her and then explaining how she must behave. Listening to her side of the story doesn't mean blindly taking her side.

I had lovely parents who were always prepared to listen to my side of the story. But that didn't mean always thinking I was right, or ever saying I was right if they didn't in their heart of hearts think so. They listened and have very high standards for how I had to behave. And that involved taking responsiblity for my behaviour, not blaming other people.

Even when they did think I was right, as often as not they would content themselves with saying a few kind words of advice to me, not rushing up to school to fight my battles for me.

I have found with my own dcs that what they want most of the time is not total endorsement but acknowledgment, "yes, I can see that makes it tricky, but this is what you have to remember".

OP I understand what you are saying. Basically your daughter would behave well if separated from the other girl but you don't want her to be the one to move yes? Sounds like it might come to that though - maybe try and l

It is your job to defend her even if she is in the wrong! No one else is going to do keep at it.

Oh god I HATE the 'my child is being led astray' attitude.

Ds is almost 5 and he is naughty at times with one particular kid. Its his own fault. He has been told in no uncertain terms to behave - if he doesn't there will be consequences at home. He is old enough to understand that I don't care what child x does because I am not his mummy.

Ooops bloody phone
.... And look upon it as an opportunity for her to have a fresh start in a new class without her old reputation.

"It is your job to defend her even if she is in the wrong!"

And how does that help her to learn how to get on with other people?

musttidyup's advice is good, though: a new start may be all it takes

try to forget about your own feelings and just concentrate on your dd: wouldn't it be nicer for her to be out of a situation she finds it difficult to handle?

Everyone knows a child whose mother always defends them no matter what.

Unfortunately they don't tend to be particularly nice or well behaved.

You need to help you DD manage her behaviour when her friend is about. What are you doing to make it clear that her bad behaviour at school is not acceptable?

She knows we are not happy with her behaviour and every morning we re inforce to her that she must behave and she goes to school with the best intentions but it is like as soon as she sees the other child she forgets everything. I found out last night that they have a different teacher on a tuesday and she has never had a problem with them at all, but she is exceptionally strict and doesnt stand for any nonsence. My DD's teacher is new this yr it is her first proper yr of teaching and as another mum said to me perhaps my DD and her friend see this as the teachers weakness and play on it for the attention. I am encouraging her to play with other children as she does have other friends in the class but she told me any last night that this child she plays with doesnt have any other friends and she would be lonely if my DD didnt play with her. It is just so difficult because she absolutely loves school, likes her teacher and academically is doing fine just seems that this friendship is causing a problem. When ever I hear of good reports of her behaviour I praise her lots and when she gets too 5 good behaviour stars she can get some more moshi monster stickers!!

oh woe is me!!

look OP this isn't about defending your child. no-one is attacking her are they?

this is about solving your DD's behavioural issues. it is a fact that whe misbehaves when with this girl. you have a responsibility as her parent to implement some consequences for this behaviour.

i dont understand your reluctance for your DD to be moved to the new class. it isn't a punishment, it is a solution to the problem. what do you suggest the school do if they dont move your DD to the other class?

in this case I would definitely push for the move of one of them to the new class and I wouldn't care which one of them it was

alternatively, if your dd is quite mature, I would explain the whole situation to her: make it clear that if she wants to help her friend not to be lonely, then the only way is to stop misbehaving so the teacher can see that they can be trusted to be together

that kind of talk would have worked with my dd

In my honest opinion the teacher she be stricter and sort them out after all they seem to only misbehave for her. And it doesnt seem fair for my DD to be moved from her other friends when she is not the instigator!!

But the teacher is trying to sort them out- by moving one of them; you are just not supportive of her attempts.

so it's the teacher's fault? well then in that case surely you would prefer your DD to move to the other class? like i said. being moved isn't a punishment, unless you insist on being the eternal victim and explaining it to your DD as one.