Please help-I am desperate-long

[pink4ever]

Have had problems with ds1-age 8-since he started school. He enjoys it,trys hard but just doesnt seem to "get" learning.

I always suspected from his reports/parents evening that he was quite behind his peer group. However the school only really brought this to our attention about 2 years ago-primary 3 in scotland. They said he was really struggling with literacy/reading and that he would get one on one help from an additional needs teacher.

Obviously I was concerned about this and and was trying to do my best to help him at home-he has been a member of the library since he was a baby,we go every week,I try and encourage him to read,do extra work at home-to little avail etc.

I was then called back last year for a further meeting where we were told school was very concerned and that they wanted ds to see an ed psychologist. However due to demand we have waited a year for this to happen.

In the mean time ds seemed to be making slow progress-good teacher-and the last I was told he was roughly a year behind.

Now finally got an appointment with ed psych but went to meeting with dh teacher this morning and -sorry finally getting to the point-they want us to consider putting ds into the additional needs school-which would most likely be the same school he is now but a different building.

I am in bits-they want me to tell my ds that after being in mainstream school for 5 years he has to leave and go into a class with children with major social and behavioural problems-autism/aspergers/adhd etc. I am sorry if I cause any offence to those posters who may have children with these needs-not my intention.

I have already indicated that I dont think it is an option-please do not flame me for this choice-but ds is already aware that he is struggling and I think to remove him from all his friends and put him in a class with children he himself refers to as "special"-again no offence-would cause him lasting emotional damage.

Does anyone have any advice on how to tackle this with school?-is there an option where you can keep children back a year?-he is also quite immature for his age.

I definately dont think there are any issues with dyslexia/aspergers or anything like that-school just keep saying possible developtment delay?

Please help

I

Why would the label follow him? Presumably as it's part of a mainstream school once he left school it would never be an issue...given that all he'd be putting on a CV would be x School.

Even if it wasn't - I happen to know which schools in my area are mainstream and which aren't for a variety of reasons, I know that not a lot of other people do, not even teachers in mainstream schools, lol.

If when he's leaving school he's at a level that any stigma might hold him back, then I honestly don't think it will be an issue.

If he's not - then really the stigma would be less of an issue than his attainment.

An ed psych might be able to suggest a 'label', but that might help either your son's teacher or a tutor to know the best way to approach his learning. A teacher won't necessarily be able to tell how 'clever' he is, there are lots of different dimensions. If he finds all the tasks hard then it may be that the specialist support all day would be best, but if he scores low on specific aspects then maybe there are specific learning strategies which would help. Our school has just started whole school phonics so for 20 mins a day they work in groups by ability not year group, something like that might help. Do let him see the ed psych as you might gain useful insights.

tabulah-there is only 1 non ms secondary school in our area-its take in a large number of pupils from surrounding areas. If my ds went to that school then believe me that is a stigma that would stay with him for the rest of his life

OP I'm so sorry for the shock you've had but can't agree with the 'this label will follow him' bit because I know that in lots of cases it's not true. For all of her professional life my Mum taught kids with dyslexia and other specific learning difficulties, many of these children also had dyspraxia and couldn't hold a pen/sit on a chair/dress themselves and some also had anxiety disorders like OCD. These same children are now grown up and are at university, run businesses, are married with kids. Because they had focussed, early intervention they developed the skills they needed to work around the problems which were preventing them from learning and were able to reach their full potential. Without specialist help they could never have done so. One of the guys wrote (yes, wrote - hurray for spellcheck!) to my Mum recently as he does every year and said that he can do his job now because he is so senior he has staff to write for him etc Just like your DS these kids were great people, struggling in some areas where our education system would have liked them not to be struggling, and having the right kind of help turned their lives around. They weren't in a specialist unit because there wasn't one for them, they came out of class for one to one and small group teaching. Once he's grown up no one need ever know what school your son went to.

All that said, you have had a massive shock and upset. Noone wants to think their child is different, or is having a bad time so it will take time for you to feel anything like ok/positive about all this.

indigo I'm really sorry to hear of your DD's problems, I doubt very much that she is 'unteachable' she just doesn't have the right teacher, as you say. I hope you'll be able to find some help for her. There are some amazing specialist dyslexia schools and the techniques they use are written about quite widely.

Yuk - just reread this post and think it might sound patronising which is not what is meant at all, I just want to give some hope and another perspective.

Good luck!

Oh and I'm in Scotland - it absolutely doesn't need to affect where he goes to Secondary school.

You can apply to any secondary school you want based on where he's at at that point.

Have you asked about him going down a year to see if that helps? He would then be one of the oldest and more of the same age as the rest of the class

Well, teachers don't always see clearly into the future you know, and anyway it's his qualifications and things that will count for him at 16/18, not the name of the school.

I would attempt to stay calm (ho ho) and deep breathe until you see the psych and, if necessary, fork out for a private assessment. Listen to what they're saying - loads of people with, for instance, endlessly common probs like dyslexia need units and help for ages.

These days getting SEN help simply isn't the mark of doom one instantly thinks it is.

I know I must sound really stubborn and ungrateful-please believe me Im not-I am taking on board all the advice. But I have to do what I think best for my ds and I dont beliebe leaving mainstream school is it.

I would like advice on others areas I could look into/do to try and help my ds. Thanks for all the replies so far.

cory-see this is where you and I differ-I think it does matter whether you got poor grades from a mainstream school or good grades from a special needs school-it is a stigma that follows you. I know this to be true as I hvae friends from my school days who even now 25 years later are known as the ones who went to the "special school"

yes but whose to say that your son will live in the same town/region? You meed to consider whats best for HIS future - whether it be to repeat a year or attend remedial classes or attend the SEN unit. Its about what is best for him and for him to fulfill his potential.

OP, I know you've had a shock, but can I tell you my experience? A very close family member has a child with a physical and learning disability. The relative and his family are all high-flying, high achievers, and they fought tooth and nail (against professional advice) for their child to go to MS. All through primary, it was OK-ish. The child learned very little and progressed very little, but he was accepted by his peers.

However, now the child is in S2 (also in Scotland) he is desperately unhappy, not coping with school at all, has been left behind socially and emotionally by his peers and my relative regrets not sending him to SS in the first place. It will now be a huge battle to get him moved, and it will probably be too late to establish good peer relationships.

Please, please for the sake of your child's eduction - not for any stigma that may or may not be attached in the future - consider the special unit. These places are far more costly than a MS school, so the school wouldn't suggest it lightly.

but what you have to consider is that what happens twenty years from now is vastly different to what will have happened twenty years ago.

Most attitudes to sn have changed dramatically over the past twenty years and one can only imagine, and hope that that progress will continue. You cannot possibly know what people will think in ten years when your ds leaves school in terms of what school he went to, and in truth if he is not academically able then he will be looking for the type of work where academic success is irrelevant anyway.

redlac-I know you are trying to be helpful-thanks for your reply-but college/universities/employers will know-of course they will-its naive to assume otherwise.

I am trying to do what I think is best for my ds and I dont believe that is to disrupt the routine he has after 5 years at the mainstream school and force him to go into the additional needs unit. I believe this will be very damaging to his self esteem and would make him dislike school-something I am trying my hardest to avoid.

Noone can give you advice until you know the specifics of what is stopping him learning - that is the role of an EP. Sometimes they state the obvious sometimes something noone has considered and almost certainly positive aspects of his leanring style that may help overcome some of the issues. no "labels" unless you pursue it through the paediatrician route. Yes the previous delays may be related so that could be worthwhile anyway.

If you don't have him assessed I really don't see how you can hope to move forward, he could continue to lose ground and self confidence which in turn could well create a behavioural issue. As a matter of interest presumably you had the option to defer his school entry initially (given his medical history and late-for-year birth date) but chose not to, can you explain why ? It may help your case to put him back a year, although I don't think that in itself is any different an option for him morale-wise than moving to the unit

i completely understand that you are trying to keep an even balance on his self esteem. How about finding out from the school if extra tuition would help? Is there different strategies you can use outwith school that would make learning more appealing/fun/easy for him? Sorry you are going through this - I come from a v. small town in Central Scotland where the 'yellow bus' what a source of fun however I do believe the attitudes are changing and the stigma is not the same as when we were at school.
Hope you get the help/answers you are looking for.

so what are you going to do then when he reaches secondary and his peer group, which is no longer the same peer group he has been with through primary, are not so accepting of his differences?

And you cannot possibly know what the future holds. Because your child that is now three years behind may not stay three years behind - he may stall further and become five years behind, or more, and by then it will be too late to get him the additional help he needs.

You can't think about university now because that is not a certainty. You have to think about now because the fact he needs help is.

There is absolutely nothing stopping him going to a mainstream secondary if he makes progress, if he's able to 'catch up' now is absolutely the time to do it.

Secondary teachers really aren't geared up to teach children that are 3 years behind academically, or more if he doesn't progress... I actually believe strongly in inclusion, in theory, in practice it's not fantastic.

Secondary English teachers for instance, aren't trained to teach children to read or write, the expectation is that they arrive already able to do that, English is nearly always set by ability, so you quite often end up with a bottom set that's full of a mix of children who have additional support needs either academic or BSE - the teacher really isn't geared up to support them fully (though many do a bloody good job anyway) the class and the rest of their year are fully aware that they are bottom set and that most of them have additional support needs. In a special school, the teachers are trained to teach them, classes are smaller and better staffed and you don't have to worry about the other pupil's opinions at all.

If it was me, I would be looking at the unit with a view to possibly taking him out of mainstream and going back in at secondary level.

wannabe-I completely agree-up to a point. I couldnt care less if my ds goes to uni-Iwas the first in my family to do so-immense pressure-but really it hasnt made much of a difference to my life.

However I genuinely dont believe disrupting my sons learning or removing him from his social group will help him. He is happy at school-he understands that he is struggling but it hasnt effected his self esteem-he keeps on trying his heart out.

It is unlikely that my ds would go to the same secondary school as his peers anyway as I dont intend to send him to the attached secondary-it is not the best school in the area.

bump.

But if you keep him in his school, he may fall even further behind. There's already a gulf between P2 work and P5 work. If the teacher's doing P5 work with the rest of the class, your son will not be able to catch up. What if he's still at P2 level when the rest are in P7?

To be horribly frank, if you're putting in a placing request for a different secondary school - perhaps an oversubscribed one - your son would stand a much beetter chance of getting in if he was on more of a level with his peers, and it seems to me that you have only 2 options - a couple of years in the ASN unit or removing him from school and get a full-time tutor.

bump.

Feel for you, pink.

My DS friend is very dyslexic & has been moved to 'special unit' for some of his learning. The plan is that he will return to main class when he has caught up a bit (AFAIK, in very basic terms, is able to read).

Yes, there is stigma, and probably less so if they have a 'label' like dyslexia (a reason behind their failure to progress) but develpomental delay is that.

He loves his class and it has been the most progress he has made, yes there are children with more severe learning and developmental issues but there is definitely more 1-1 support. He has gone from being the poorest pupil in his MS class to the star of his 'special' class, good for self-esteem.

If you don't want to go along this route, then you probably need to get him a tutor for out-of-school time.

mrsvoltar-that is a positive story-thanks. My point is-my ds does not struggle with his self esteem-he is aware that he is behind but it doesnt seem to be an issue for him. I fear it will be an issue when he has to move from the class he enjoys to a class full of pupils-who being perfectly honest-he has had very little to do with.

Sadly I dont think putting him in the unit until he hopefully catches up is an option-as the teacher did mention today that it would effect which secondary school he goes too-meaning by that he would go to the sn secondary school.

The teacher doesn't get to pick which secondary school he goes to.

It doesn't affect which secondaries he can go to, it may well be that the pupils usually attend a certain secondary (as is the case with all primaries) there's nothing that makes that compulsory.

tabulah-but the assumption will be made if he is in the sn school that he will go on to the sn secondary. Saying its our choice doesnt make much difference if the secondary schools dont want him.

I have been making enquiries about a tutor-maybe it will make a difference,maybe it wont but we will try.