5yr old boy hitting

[pauldoc]

I'm new to this so please bear with me!!
Having a bit of trouble with our son in year one. He has a habit of hitting and kicking other children in his class. It actually started in reception but has continued this year. The school is getting complaints from a couple of parents, one in particular, who happens to be his best friends parents!! Oh and his best friend is a girl. (infact most of his friends are girls, he doesnt like the boys)However these parents are not the niceset of people and have been upsetting my wife by questioning her parenting skills and veiled threats to the school about 'sorting it out themselves'. I am not condoning my son's behaviour in any way and we are devastated by the trouble being caused. We have spoken to the school and are prepared to do anything to get this sorted. He is a good natured polite clever boy for the most part but i do believe he is at the end of the day 5 years old. i have read other thread where the word bullying is used and i guess it is a form of it but its not a word that 5 year olds in my opinion totally understand. We continually tell him its not right to hit or be mean and he agrees but still does it!! With little remorse when told off. I think the school think its normal 5 year old boy behaviour and are dealing with it but the parents of his best friend are not happy and want action. any suggestions?

popgoestheweezel
thanks for the support
it is difficult when you dont seem to be making head way with all the suggestions, and for the most part like your sons friend , our son is a good polite boy. We are doing our damdest to get this sorted its just tough going!!

Paul- I really don't understand the posters who say this isn't normal 5 yr old boy behaviour.I have over the years helped regularly in 3 infants classes and can say with absolute certainty that this is very very common behaviour for boys of that age as soon as they are out of the teacher's focus.
I am guesseing because he is playing with girls who perhaps aren't so keen on this roughness, he stands out as being worse.
have you asked him exactly what happened prior to the 'offence'.Knowing what the trgger is, is I think ewill be essential in dealing with it.It seems odd that the little girls still wants to behis best friend if she is so upset by his treatment of her.I would wonder what she is getting out of this friendship? Attention when a naughty boy hurts her? Wind him up and watch him go??
Obviously you need to work on a stategy to prevent him fighting, and punish him when he does.But I do think you need to really understand what's going on!

I currently have one 5 year old in my year 1 class who has regularly hit and kicked other children and she is a girl.

It's not a boy thing, it's a development issue.

The child needs to learn empathy. They need to understand that even though it doesn't hurt them it does hurt the other child when they kick, hit, bite, scratch. Until they do, they lash out like preschool children.

By age 5 most, but not all, children have learned that it is wrong, and they are able to control themselves, share and wait their turn. If another child does something to them, rather than retaliate they have learned to tell an adult.

The aggressive behaviour described by the OP is different to 'rough and tumble' play, minor squabbling, snatching toys from each other, etc. Those are all age appropriate issues which children learn to negotiate so that they can play safely together.

I agree with spiderpig that it would be useful to find out the triggers. Are the school recording each incident and what happened just prior to the aggressive behaviour. What other stragies have the school put in place to help him?

Spiderpig THANK YOU THANK YOU!! You a spot on and do understand exactly how we are feeling.Personally i thnk you hit the nail on the head re the little girl involved. It doesnt as i have said before make my sons actions right but i do feel hes not the only little boy who would lash out if pushed enough, but we are teaching him that it isnt right to do that no matter how much youare wound up and turn the other cheek.
And scaryfairenuff thanks for your comments to. We are working together with the school with a rewards book and suitable punishments both at school and at home. we have had a mixed week but he is gettiing it and i'm sure we will get there with probably a few backwards steps along the way!! i At least its friday lets hope he comes home with more smiley stickers today and end the week on a positive note
As i said before i really appreciate all your comments and words of support or otherwise!!

Any chance of separating them by moving class? If they say they are as bad as each other is she hitting too or is she just winding him up? Maybe they have a sibling love /hate type relationship as my boys are 7 and 4 and are constantly hitting each other in between getting on well.

JITkids I don't think this is affecting just one child. The OP says he has been hurting several children during their first year of school and that this is now continuing into the second year, hence the other parents starting to get upset about it:

He has a habit of hitting and kicking other children in his class. It actually started in reception but has continued this year. The school is getting complaints from a couple of parents

sorry havent been near a pc for a few days
They have just split the classes and split these 2 up so hopefully that helps although the incidents happen at break, but it is being monitored now and he has had a good week or so. I know it sounds like i am making excuses but the other 2 children involved ,their mums are really friendly with this little girls mum and the complaints seem to have come in at the same time, maybe we are being paronoid maybe we are being unreasonable in the circumstances.
I really dont want to start another debate on the whys and wherefores!! just trying to explain the situation
My son says he actually really loves this girl!! and the thought of her not being around reduces him to tears!! I really do think we are turning the corner and he is getting there, i just hope want the other parents to move on when we do

Reading this I thought I was reading about my son who is also 5. However, it has been every day since he started year one in September. When asked why he had hit one girl he said it was because she was on her own!

My husband and I have tried to instill in him that it is never right to hit anyone. The children in his class are starting to avoid playing with him now and visibly flinch when he approaches. We have spoken with his teacher and a book is sent home every night listing any incidents so that we can dole out punishments.

Any ideas would be wecolme please. Thank you.

Another one with a 5 year old who has started hitting over the last year - he never did before. In our case, I don't have any reason to believe he does it at school, or at least I've not had any feedback to that effect - he saves it up for when he's at home when he duffs up his two big sisters who are too nice to hit back. :(

It does seem to be an age thing, though and a boy thing - I remember picking up my dd1 from school many moons ago when she was in yr 1 or 2 and being astonished by the fact that all the boys in her class were basically having a big fight, playing v violently - which none of the girls would have done. I've read boys do go through a testostoterone surge at this age which may explain it? I'm not sure it is the same thing as bullying - that is deliberately picking on one child which by the sound of it this isn't ie not deliberately malicious just thoughtlessly violent.

Clearly these boys (incl my own) need to learn asap that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable, which is what the OP is trying to do - and I'm another one who'd love to know the answer to this too. In the case of my ds, I think he just hits out because he has strong emotions which he's not terribly in touch with - he also uses force to try to get his own way as he's frankly not terribly cunning or powerful in other ways. Maybe helping him to verbalise things will help? I know that when i can get my ds to explain what it is that's winding him up the hitting usually stops - see How to Talk So Your Kid will Listen etc for more on this.

Hi, did you ever find anything that worked? im in the same situation and cant find anything we or the school havnt tried

neandertal, I think it's better to start your own thread than reviving zombie.

6 year old zombie thread. Op's dc must be 11 now.

Irvine; conversely. Thats exactly why I chose this thread, its long so has many peoples experiences and recourses, and its old so is more likely to have quantifiable results for each of said recourses.
rcat; I do not stand violence, I abhore violence. I am not only a pacifist, I border on Rastafarian ideals. that's why I take this so seriously. (that made me sound like a right hippy didn't it!) my search started after he punched a girl at home time after she turned around with her rucksack and floored him. obvious anger issues. then whilst deciding how to address this he punched his big sister so he (because lectures using big angry voice hadn't been sinking in) I set him to work doing lines whilst everyone else went for advent calendars.
having read a lot....... and I thought id been parenting to the letter of the text book..... im trying this; I call it 'scorched earth' 3days in its working.
never shout, always speak quietly no matter what he's done.
explain the changes and why they will help him be good so he will get all of the incentives us and the school have offered, and that they are temporary just to solve this issue.
earlier bed time for grumpy tiredness
large breakfast and less sweet.
higher carb, lower sugar school snack or fruit both to level sugar spikes and keep him not hungry.
telling him he is good for not hitting and grumpy is fine as long as it isn't enacted. will keep y'all posted as we tweek this system.

Most people don’t return to zombie threads I’m afraid. You’re more likely to get responses on a new thread.

Can I ask what worked for your 5 year old in the end?

Hi ya all. I'm having the same issues with my 5 year old son.. It is only at school he hits out.. Yes I do keep tight boundaries at home and give timeout and take his favourite toys from him when this happens.. School and I are working closely together. My son was diagnosed with optic disc hypo plasma.. Tho I am still waiting on a test to see if it effecting his hormones.. He's very fidgity.. I don't tolerate bullies.. And I am so sad that my son is acting in this way and hurting others.. He has a sister a year older and a sister 11 months younger.. They are good as gold and never an issue.. Its so hard not knowing what to do. We are still doing social stories on biting and hitting tho he just laughs.. Nothing fissels him

@Loggiebear

Might be better to start your own thread. I do't think it's simply a question of boundaries or whether you tolerate it and I very much doubt it's bullying either - more likely it's a lack of self control in combination with pent up frustrations involved in being at school. I'd arrange a meeting with his teacher and try to establish the triggers and work with DS to manage his anger. Perhaps he could have a designated place to cool down if he's feeling overwhelmed. A simple strategy can be for the child to simply count ten breaths when they're feeling agitated. He also needs to learn to identify how he's feeling and have a label for the feelings.

Hi again.. My son has a safe place in classroom and teachers have taking him out for a walk to calm down. We do work with him to try to identify his triggers.. We have him doing his breathing as well.. Tho it just seems like his frustration takes over.. An example.. The teacher asked him to come to were she was and he pulled a boy to the ground and elbowed him.. Said he was in his way.. We are working closely together.. When I talk with him on a one to one.. He laughs it off even tho I'm being serious.. He is a very smart boy.. Tho controlling his emotions is very difficult.

@Loggiebear sounds like you're working really hard with DS to overcome his issues with anger. I don't think what you're describing is unusual and it's often bright, articulate children too - emotional maturity definitely doesn't always match intellectual maturity. Often by the time anger has boiled over a child can't think rationally so they really need to act before it reaches that level.

Well OP’s kid must be 17 now… I do hope he’s stopped hitting by now 🙄

Hi...I am in the same situation like your wife crying back home from the school..and my son is in year 1 now in 2023.Can you please guide me how to tackle with these situations? Now he is in guidance of SEN

Another one who found this thread at my wits end with my 5yo lashing out at school when he gets frustrated. If anyone whose kids have now grown up can offer advice I would be very grateful. We are in the system for ADOS assessment as school thinks he is ND in some way, but other kids are starting to be wary of him and it breaks my heart to think he might not have any friends due to his own behaviour.