Chairwoman of the PTA at my DD's and DS's school is a complete b***h! What should I do?

[MHodge]

I'm new to Mumsnet and really need your views on the following matter:

I have two children both at the same state primary school (DD is in Year 1 and DS is in Year 3). The mothers at this school are VERY cliquey. To make matters worse, the Chairwoman of the PTA is extremely horrible. The purpose of any PTA is to bring parents together in order to form community spirit and a family atmosphere at the school. However, she uses it as a exclusive club for the people she feels are middle class and / or affluent. Every time she sees me or anyone who she deems not worthy of walking the earth, she sneers, titters and scoffs with disapproval (I am not exaggerating, she actually does this). The situation is so bad that when she stands at the school gate selling tickets for the school raffle, Summer and Christmas fetes etc, etc she only acknowledges the parents who she is middle class and / or affluent. Hence, the only parents /pupils that attend the PTA events are the those in her clique. I feel this is disgraceful behaviour. As Chairwoman of the PTA she should be uniting our school not dividing it. I have spoken to one or two parents who also feel the PTA at our school is an exclusive club - if you're not part of this exclusive club you're not part of the school. The atmosphere at the school is extremely unfriendly to put it mildly.

It has reached the stage where I am fed up of the situation. I am not sure what course of action to take as the Chairwoman's sister who also has children at the school is the Chair of Governors!!!!!

It is a Church of England school and was thinking of writing our Vicar of the church which our school is linked with. However, the Chairwoman has the Vicar wrapped around her little finger therefore I predict that course of action will be in vain.

What should I do? Thanks!

Has anyone else noticed this behaviour?

There will be an AGM soon- why not stand against her.

Blimey, that sounds awful. Could you speak to the head teacher?

Yes, one or two people have noticed this but we are in the minority.
There's no way I could stand against her, she (and her family) are far too influential and powerful in the school and the church (as I mentioned in my previous post, sister is the Chair of Governors). I would just get my fingers severely burnt if I stood against her as she would win by a landslide. She is 'queen bee' of the school hence all the parents who want to be in the 'exclusive club', rub shoulders with her and will bend over backwards to be her friend. She has turned several mothers against me because she gossips about the mothers she doesn't like (me being one of them).

OMG, it sounds awful

Our PTA is the polar opposite of that, it can be an amazing forum for uniting people who have (or think they have, to be more accurate) little in common other than kids at the school.

I'm not sure what advice to offer, if the ranks are that tightly closed - other than step back and remember she and her petty clique won't matter two hoots in a few years' time. Not much use, sorry, will try and think of something else!

I know this will be hard to take but the only thing you can do is rise above it. If you retaliate in any way (by complaining about her to anyone in "authority") she will use it against you for the whole time you are at the school. I've come across mothers like this in my dds' school career and ignoring was the only thing that worked. It doesn't stop their behaviour but it does stop it bothering you. Stick to the mothers who can see it for what it is. I always think its very sad that the Queen Bee mentality flourishes in adults (bad enough in children) but do not engage and do not respond. Literally act as if its not happening and then it won't affect you so much. Sympathies, though.

OP does the school's name begin with a P?

I don't want to defend the woman because she sounds horrible, but in our (very mixed) school, the pta is very middle-class despite our best intentions. From the inside, it's really frustrating that the same old small group of people have the thankless task of organising everything, hassling for raffle prizes and help. From the outside, it might look like a clique because inevitably we all know each other (because we spend so much time manning stalls together for starters). We are always trying to expand it and make it fully inclusive to no avail.
Now I'm not saying this has happened in your school, but maybe you could fight bitchiness with loveliness. If you volunteer as a class rep or to do a stall at the fair or whatever skill you can offer, I'd guess you'd be gratefully encouraged. You would round our way.
If you're not, then it's proof that there's a mafia at work...

If your DC enjoy their school life then just ignore this crap, drop and run at the gates. Your children are part of the community of the school but YOU do not have to be.

agree with ragged. As long as your children aren't affected in any way by her behaviour, ignore it and make your friends elsewhere.

Sorry - but short of either challenging her for leadership or leaving the school, I can't see any other way.

I really feel for you on this one. One of my DC's year groups is badly affected by a group of queen bee mummies who have also been active in the PTA. They are loud, dominant and (whether intentionally or not) actually rude. It's not affluence with us, more attitude.

I don't know what can be done about this. (Will watch this thread for ideas!)

But what has helped has been recogniseing this dynamic, finding the parents I like and talking to them - ignoring, in turn, the clique: it doesn't add to the overall levels of friendliness around but by gosh it makes it all more liveable with.

When I hear the word PTA the only other word that springs to mind is "RUN". I volunteer at our brownies group and I'm actively involved with our childrens sports clubs so I do my bit. I you really feel that strongly it may be worthwhile to see if you can get enough support to stand against her or find someone who would like to stand against her.

I would organise some of the others and join the PTA-the only way to stop the clique.

A formal complaint will lead to tears, recriminations and disaster - I would do as others have suggested and get involved with some like-minded people.

We had a bit of a "bloodless coup" at primary school, as we had a very closed shop PTA.
We started challenging them in the meetings, and putting things to the vote.
It worked.

I would put money on the"cliques" being talked about actually do the work that needs doing while the others mutter about them behind their hands but look the other way when there's jobs to be done!

It can appear a clique as an outsider. I found it very difficult when myDS joined a school aged 9yrs and everyone appeared to know each other-especially the PTA. I joined the PTA and it wasn't a clique-they welcomed anyone who is willing to put in the work. I would join them. I don't know why they get such a bad name when every school needs them and every DC benefits.

God, this really reminds me of the school i've just taken my ds out of . Full of middle-class 'do-gooder' mums, who felt terribly self-righteous about sending their kids to a state school, and yet they excluded all mums from council estates/less well-to-do backgrounds or from ethnic minorities who didn't speak English well from any social activities. I really makes my blood boil...MHodge I really feel for you, but unfortunately have no suggestions! :(

I agree with seeker.

If you don't like the way she's running the PTA, then stand against her at the AGM. Being Chair of the PTA is a lot of work so you'd need to be ready to put the effort in.

With regards to her turning away from you when selling lottery tickerts etc I find a very loud " OHHH the lottery thats wonderful I wanted to buy some tickets" helps people like that generally are bothered by how they appear to other people and it would look SO bad if she didnt turn around and smiled.

I do agree join with some other friends and work it from within it can be done

Take on the job. You will then realise what a bloody poisoned chalice it is. It doesn't mater what you do, you're wrong, and as for excluding people, in my experience, PTAs are so desperate for people they'd take Atilla the Hun ire he'd gotnto Tesco and beg for a raffle prize. In my experience, people don't turn up, then say they didn't come because they were deliberately excluded. even whenyou've changed the time ofthe meetingb5 times and th twice andnorganizednliftd to accommodate them. Bitter? Moi?

I agree with seeker-go to the chairperson-say 'what can I do to help?' and you will be greeted with open arms-absolutely guaranteed.

Sadly not always, Exotic, I've had PTA people sniffily look at their fingernails & say "We don't need you today" type things. Or when you go to help they don't tell you what to do or how to do it but then shriek that you've done it wrong. :( But hats off to anyone who's willing to keep asking.

I wrote this last September and since then it has got much worse.

I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and offer my help at the Christmas Fair last year and got a look of disgust and a reply along the lines of 'we don't need you help'.

It has got to the point where I'm thinking of writing to the Headteacher because I'm sick to death of those mothers peering down their noses at anybody who is not in their clique.

I really want to take action but I don't want it to affect my child in anyway (I know if I take action those mothers will turn against me and make my life hell because they are EXTREMELY NASTY!!!).

What should I do?

Write to the Headteacher, definitely, it sounds like a ridiculous situation. Have they been in position long? Could you vote them out at the next AGM? A PTA committee is elected after all and can therefore be un-elected. Do you have support from other parents?

The most important thing is your children's education. The rest doesn't matter. Regard it for what it is a clique which clearly you're not part of. Join one which you're happy to be part of and forget about the rest.