Chairwoman of the PTA at my DD's and DS's school is a complete b***h! What should I do?

[MHodge]

I'm new to Mumsnet and really need your views on the following matter:

I have two children both at the same state primary school (DD is in Year 1 and DS is in Year 3). The mothers at this school are VERY cliquey. To make matters worse, the Chairwoman of the PTA is extremely horrible. The purpose of any PTA is to bring parents together in order to form community spirit and a family atmosphere at the school. However, she uses it as a exclusive club for the people she feels are middle class and / or affluent. Every time she sees me or anyone who she deems not worthy of walking the earth, she sneers, titters and scoffs with disapproval (I am not exaggerating, she actually does this). The situation is so bad that when she stands at the school gate selling tickets for the school raffle, Summer and Christmas fetes etc, etc she only acknowledges the parents who she is middle class and / or affluent. Hence, the only parents /pupils that attend the PTA events are the those in her clique. I feel this is disgraceful behaviour. As Chairwoman of the PTA she should be uniting our school not dividing it. I have spoken to one or two parents who also feel the PTA at our school is an exclusive club - if you're not part of this exclusive club you're not part of the school. The atmosphere at the school is extremely unfriendly to put it mildly.

It has reached the stage where I am fed up of the situation. I am not sure what course of action to take as the Chairwoman's sister who also has children at the school is the Chair of Governors!!!!!

It is a Church of England school and was thinking of writing our Vicar of the church which our school is linked with. However, the Chairwoman has the Vicar wrapped around her little finger therefore I predict that course of action will be in vain.

What should I do? Thanks!

Are there other non PTA organisations associated with the school?

I got involved with volunteering for the school show (costumes and scenery) - actually not realising that the PTA was a bit, political, shall we say - so dodged a bit of a bullet there without intending to!
(mind you they did do a lot of work and fund raising)

However so did the show people - and I ended up with a huge new group of friends (still in touch even though DD is gone from the school 3 years now).

PTA doesn't actually matter in the end. Well, except in their own heads.

I agree with onthebottom, there are plenty of other ways of helping the school, from reading in the classroom to volunteering on trips and so on, all of which in the end get you more involved in the school than not.

I've had similarly bad experiences with our PSA, who are more useless than snobby (although some appalling comments were made along the way!), so I just asked DD's teacher if there was stuff that she needed help with. I've done a few things for them now, and someone commented to me the other day that it really showed the PSA up . Not my intention but a handy side effect...

If you do want to go and see the headteacher, you need to think this through. What exactly are you complaining about? Is it affecting your children? If not, he may not be that bothered. Also, I would not write a letter. Letters get out, esp in a cliquely inappropriate school. Have a meeting if you really want to, but I'd let it lie and go and do something that does actually help the school. You may well meet a few kindred spirits on the way.

I think the question you need to ask is is this currently affecting your child? If not, then you need to walk away and just let it go...if you kick up a fuss then it will (as you say) start to affect your child and that would be bad. However, if it is already affecting them then you need to go and see the headmistress - never put anything in writing or worse email that you don't want copied to the enemy! Take some of the other mothers with you with concrete examples of the problem.

As for the ignoring you when selling raffle tickets I would make a point of asking to buy them very loudly in the hearing of as many people as possible so she can't ignore you. Or a sarky comment about "oh, are these only for your friends then" always works...

And yes - the chair of our PTA sneers and looks down at me too..it nearly killed her to have to thank me for lending something for the summer fair - and if you had to classify I would say I was just as middle class/affluent as she is! So it's not just about class/money - it's about personality - some people are just like that! Try to rise above it - don't let the buggers grind you down.

It's not your social life, it's a big part of your child's, admittedly.
Op is ascribing way too much power to PTA.
I have kept out of PTA for yrs due to not liking some of the people involved, but it doesn't affect DC social lives in any way.

Whoever she is there will be a time when she has no children at the school, so the post she currently holds will go to someone new. Sad to say but I think this happens to some people, its a power thing. The position puts them in contact with the Head, with teachers, with parents who'd not give her time of day in other circumstances.
As others have said before - just rise above it and 'drop and run' at he gates. At least she's not pestering you daily for volunteering/ donating/ running stalls/ selling tickets/ begging raffle prizes etc

MHodge

I feel for you - I'm sure it's incredibly annoying but I agree with others who have suggested that there's little to gain by complaining.

As a devil's advocate being highly involved with the PTA can seem like a thankless task and invariably ends up with a small group of about a dozen people running the show year in and year out. It may just be her stress showing - rather than being a snob. If parents scurry by when she's trying to sell raffle tickets or drum up support (and it's the same parents time and time again) you can understand why she may have developed an attitude over the years.

If being part of the PTA is important to you don't let her behaviour discourage you. You may well find that your first impressions of the woman were completely wrong - she may feel stuck or trapped running the PTA because nobody else will step forward. I'm not saying you should show up and run for chair - but most people are incredibly grateful for help, especially if they're struggling to get it all done.

Perhaps one way to tackle it is to ask her to meet you and some other parents with the head teacher there too, so that you can volunteer in front of a (supposedly) neutral party...

All you PTA Mums who say you are not a clique but are the only ones doing all the work. . do you actually speak to any of the other 'lesser' or 'working' Mums when you aren't asking them to do something for you? The PTA at our school are great - they raise lots of money which benefits all the kids, and I am very grateful to them for their hard work, but whether they think they are or not they are VERY cliquey, intimidating, snooty, unfriendly and LOUD in the playground..and they only EVER speak to you when they want something.

Either carry on ignoring them or have a coup. If its the latter one be prepared to stay involved for 2 plus years.

Check out their constitution and if it says nothing about proxy votes then canvas opinion amongst other like minded parents and get them to give you their proxy vote. Turn up at an AGM or call an EGM and get the current chair/ committee voted off and put a new one in their place. If you didn't have the courage to do this then put forward some motions about equality, diversity and inclusiveness.

I speak from experience here and it was the best thing that happened to the PTA at my kids school.

Marge2, do you make an effort to talk to any of them? What are they like then?

To all those that say that the OP should just ignore this as it isn't affecting the DC, I'd argue that's unfair. What I love about being involved in the PTA is that I get to be in the school and get to know the school in a way I wouldn't just as a parent. I might be doing a book bag run, for example, and get to see my child in an activity (eating lunch, PE, a game on the whiteboard). It is a huge plus for both me, and for my DS as he gets to see me in his environment. I think it is appalling that this woman is hogging that sort of experience for herself and her cohorts only.

I'm not a hugely outgoing person though. I try to be friendly but I can't just go up to people cold. It is really hard! And I do know how important it is. The chair before I did my stint was fantastic at that. Just running up to people in the playground, talking to them, signing them up. It got me into the PTA!

Gate Gipsy; I'm dying to find out what's a "bookbag run"

In our school the PTA is mainly for fund raising (and making tea/coffee at certain school events, but lots of people help out in the classroom, without being part of the "PTA" gang. Doing gardening, helping in class etc.

ha ha sorry didn't mean to throw in jargon :D. Our school has book bags, and when we have leaflets, flyers, letters home they go in the book bags. So doing a book bag run is taking the flyers/letters around to the classrooms to give to the TAs to go in bags. Nothing exciting! But it is a chance to nose around parts of the school and classrooms that you don't normally see.

Parents can do all sorts of volunteering at our school too if they want/have time. Ideally the PTA would be another way of doing things for/in the school, and a handy way to help out for people who can only commit occaisionally or on an ad hoc basis. And it should also be a social experience for parents, a way to meet parents from other class/year groups, and it should be FUN. Goodness knows there's little opportunity for that in our lives! My sole social events in the last few months have been the PTA meetings we've had at our local pub. Or gathering in one mum's house to plan the games for the fair over a bottle of red wine.

That's why people like the chair of the OP's PTA makes me so mad. PTA's should be inclusive, not exclusive.

Am I reading it right - she doesn't allow children of certain parents to attend pta events? by not selling the parent a ticket?

Why don't you stand in front of her and ask for a ticket? "I would like 3 tickets to saturday's fair, please."

If you're not asking and she's not offering, that's bad enough, but if you actually spoke to her and requested tickets and she refused to sell them to you - that's serious grounds for kicking up an almighty fuss!

You say the school is split? i suggest you start talking to other parents who are treated like you, get together and do something about it.

Normally, I'd say pta? pfft. Forget it. But if children she considers 'not good enough' are actually being in effect banned from events - then something must be done about her.

And that will require organising a protest, gathering evidence and kicking up a fuss.