Am I over-reacting? Day 2 and Teacher wants to keep him in at break.

[goneboho]

My son has just started at a new school in Year 1. He has been very anxious about starting at the new school, as we took him out of Reception at another school back in January because he was having difficulty settling in and we felt that he wasn't ready to be in the school environment. We have been home-schooling him since January.

He is a bright boy, but can be stubborn, wilful, quiet and very shy.
Because of my anxiety about him going back to school, I had long discussions with the school Inclusion Manager about how to make this a successful transition for him, and explained some of the problems he had at his first school last year.

The new school have been very supportive, and agreed to him starting on a part-time basis in order for him to settle in more easily. However, I arrived at midday today to collect him and was told by the teaching assistant that as he had refused to do his Maths work today, he would be kept in at break tomorrow morning.

As Rubin and I walked away, I asked him about this. He said he wasn't sure if they do maths differently at the new school (as opposed to the way we have taught him at home, I guess) - I take this to mean he was a little unsure/nervous about what he was doing. But that is to be expected - he has just been plonked in a new environment with new systems and new ways of doing things, and what I would expect at this stage is that they would spend a bit of time trying to learn how best to encourage him and communicate with him, not go straight to placing him on sanctions.

I was a secondary teacher myself, before my son was born, and this kind of sanction would have been reserved for much further down the line - once other methods of communication and encouragement had been tried.

My fear is that they have already labelled him as a naughty child, based on what I told them about his behaviour at his first school, instead of giving him a fair and fresh start.

I also think it's unreasonable to keep 5 year olds in at break time, especially on their 3rd day in a new school. Am I over-reacting?

My partner is going to call the school and complain, and demand that the sanction be withdrawn. I am frightened that we are going to bungle this new relationship with the new school before we're even out of the blocks, but I want to stand up for my child, and I think the school have over-reacted in this instance.

Advice and thoughts would be hugely welcome right now.
Thanks.

Thanks for the helpful, supportive comments (from some of you). I was nodding my head in agreement after the first few I read. Please understand that I wrote this at an emotional moment and probably sounded a bit more unreasonable than I really am. This is why I was happy to let DH deal with it, as he is a calm, fair and hugely likeable person on the phone, whereas I often come across as a total hysteric!

We always planned to phone the school and have a proper conversation with the teacher. We both agreed that the most likely cause of our tension over this was poor communication. That and the fact that we know we are a bit sensitive because we got burned the first time around.

(I might add that we are so committed to doing what we can to make this work that we are driving 30 miles a day to have our son in this school, as it was our only other choice of school after pulling him out of the first one he went to.)

So, DH phoned the school and had a very encouraging conversation with DS's class teacher. If I had been able to have this conversation with her when I picked him up at midday, I think the whole misunderstanding could have been avoided. I want to build up trust with them, but I am of the mind that they need to earn it, or at least prove that I can trust them. So this is a sensitive time. But having spoken to his class teacher now, who explained what happened today and how she dealt with it, I am hugely reassured.

Yes, my son can be wilful, stubborn and defiant, as I said, and we believe in very firm boundaries at home and a basic insistence on doing as he's told, but he also has to learn to trust the authority figures in this new setting, and I was worried that by coming in with a hard-line too early on they would inhibit his ability to settle in and become a confident member of the class.

Admittedly, it doesn't help that DH and I are fairly outspoken folk, with an 'alternative' view on schooling (and most other things), but we do try not to offend people or make outrageous demands to suit our own ideology. I'm surprised that some people seemed to assume that we're just obnoxious and interfering types. Good to see non-judgement being practiced so wholeheartedly.

I would love to answer more of the commenters personally, especially those of you who spoke kindly to me with the voice of reason. Thank you, again. It was probably all that I needed.

tethersend - thank you. This is how we feel.

However, his teacher has explained that he would only be kept in for a couple of minutes to do a short maths task that he had been given the opportunity to do earlier but refused to do.

Uneasy as I am that this may set a trend for how they deal with him (and knowing that sometimes he has used diversions like this precisely to get the individual attention of the teacher), I have decided to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt about her decision. She seems sensible and experienced, and I feel that I can trust her.

Ultimately, my son will have to take responsibility for his choices, which is what we are trying to teach him. I could go on, and on, and on... but I won't.

So all you had to do was talk to the teacher?
OK
But remember that earning trust and respect is a two way street.

Bramshott, thanks. Good suggestion.
DH and I have had a conversation very similar to this with him now. I do feel it's important that we address the issue with him of why he refused to do the task he'd been given. We are not trying to turn a blind eye to this part of the equation.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin

Absolutely, but we take the first step in that relationship by entrusting our child to them in the first place. And, as I said, I have already put in a large chunk of time to meeting with the Head and the Inclusion Manager to talk about DS's needs and behavior/his experience at his first school etc. I hope that I have shown my willingness and committment to co-operate with them by doing this.

I'll add that I have never tried to pass my son off as a misunderstood little angel - I've been totally frank with them about him, and am still prepared to accept that he may have more complex needs that may require additional level of intervention in future.

I would monitor the situation and let your son settle for a few weeks, if he is kept in every day then you would have a valid reason to approach the school. I think keeping a 5 year old in at break is severe but perhaps the teacher was just setting the pace for the year. I can see both sides but my advice is avoid making demands so early on. Make an appointment to see the teacher in question in a few weeks time. If your son is bright then there should be no reason why he can't complete the exercise in Maths.

interesting comment, TheFlyingOnion.

when I taught in secondary schools, my biggest problem was under-involved parents, and parents who could not see what their children were really like.

secondly, I believe too many parents just hand their children over to the school system at age 4 and virtually wipe their hands clean of raising their children responsibly after that.

I know my son best, though I may not always have the best answer for how to deal with him. But this makes it absolutely necessary that communication with his school is established early on and is effective.

Glad to hear you have been able to sort things out.

thanks, aries12, for more sensible advice. I intend to do just that.

The situation today was also tempered with my own disappointment, because I know my son is bright, and actually very able in maths. I have been hoping that he will show what he can do and that this will establish a good relationship with his teacher, who will be able to channel his energy and enthusiasm into his learning rather than into the kind of disruptive silliness that he has sometimes exhibited.

"I believe too many parents just hand their children over to the school system at age 4 and virtually wipe their hands clean of raising their children responsibly after that. "

Good to see non-judgement being practiced so wholeheartedly.

I think that's what my over-involved parents thought my normal parents had done.

Any parent who can't go more than 3 days without knocking on the staffroom door, sending an email or writing an earnest message in a reading record ought to have more to occupy them imho.

Just in case anyone is still interested in the subject - there is a great article here www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_MisdiagnosisAndDualDiagnosisOfGiftedChildren.shtml that describes my son and his behaviour very well. It is about misdiagnosis of gifted children with conditions such as ADHD/Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and other things like that.

I know every teacher who reads this will be thinking, "Oh no, another parent who's convinced that their child is gifted." My only defence to that is my own teaching background, and my own experience as a gifted child going through school.

The alarm bells were raised for me, at DS's first school when they started asking if they could get him tested for ADHD or Autism, and this is when I found the article above.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with their child? Realize I may need to start a new thread on this one.

MrsGravy, a generic statement about the problems in our society, based on my own beliefs (as stated). Which is not the same as an opinionated statement made directly to a person baring their soul and genuinely asking for help. My statement was not directed at any one person in particular and not thrust in their face on a thread about a personal matter that had clearly upset them.

I also think it's pretty rude, when someone asks for advice and support, to jump into a thread like this and just be offensive.

TheFlyingOnion, just curious to know - do you have any children of your own?

'I think keeping a 5 year old in at break is severe but perhaps the teacher was just setting the pace for the year.'

Not break, 5 minutes to finish a bit of work.

I mean this in the best possible way, but I think you need to back off a mile or 30 and let your DS and his school get on with it.

Just curious to know, OP - is this your first child?

that's a pretty personal question, OP.

My opinion is based on what I see happening in school.

We are private so to be fair we don't have many (any?) who simply aren't interested. We have lots who are supportive in every way but basically leave us to get on with it, and we have some who simply will not leave us alone. Their children are their "job" and they approach it as such - spreadsheets, folders, articles, suggestions and every niggling worry they've had at the weekend is relayed on a Monday morning. They are a pita...

Oh, the fun you are going to have together over the years.
Don't know about TFO, but I've had 2 children and 28 years teaching and I am always surprised and entertained by the variety of children and parents over the years.
It's what makes the paperwork bearable.
And believe me, I keep detailed notes on everything, so that I can respond to all parental enquiries and accusations accurately and fully.

there is a great article here www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_MisdiagnosisAndDualDiagnosisOfGiftedChildren.shtml that describes my son and his behaviour very well. It is about misdiagnosis of gifted children with conditions such as ADHD/Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and other things like that.

Has your child got a diagnosis goneboho? Mine has for ASD, ADHD and OCD ... but it isn't an excuse to behave as he wishes.

whoa, just having a wee look here and about to comment and then came across the response to mrsgravy and can't quite see what she said that was so offensive(I've re-read it 3 times)....eeek! A bit negative maybe and didn't agree with your point of view but thought your response was harsh.

Am I welcome to comment on this in what I see as a constructive way or is it only those who wholly agree with you that can comment?

Mrs Gravy was merely repeating a comment made by the OP, but aimed at a different target.

'Admittedly, it doesn't help that DH and I are fairly outspoken folk, with an 'alternative' view on schooling (and most other things), but we do try not to offend people or make outrageous demands to suit our own ideology. I'm surprised that some people seemed to assume that we're just obnoxious and interfering types. Good to see non-judgement being practiced so wholeheartedly. '

I'm finding it slightly ironic that the OP asked "am I overreacting?" then proceeded to madly overreact.

If you don't want to be told "yes", then don't ask!

I think it's one of those 'Does my bum look big in this?' type questions.
Where the options are 'No, not at all,' or silence.

See, I'd always have to say "actually, yes. Yes it does".