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Primary education

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Original poster

My 6yr olds is asking about death & dying...really dont know what to say, anyone else having to confront this?

33 replies

dontdillydally · 20/04/2011 09:33

Think it has stemmed from being told the Easter story at school. DS is very frightened and is saying he is scared at me going. Is this more or less the right age they start asking?

TEACHERS - Really dont know what to say to him ... also should the school be telling the parents about what they are discussing?

OP posts:
defineme · 20/04/2011 09:37

I've gone along the only when we're very old and Jesus was a very long time ago when things like that happened. Just answer simply and reaasure him you're not going anywhere.

Bonsoir · 20/04/2011 09:40

My DD and I talk about this quite a bit as her paternal grandmother died a few weeks ago (after a long terminal illness, so DD was fully prepared). Quite normal at this age, and I don't think it's a good idea to get Jesus involved!

cory · 20/04/2011 09:51

Quite normal for the age I'd say.

Unfortunately, mine were confronted by some sudden and premature deaths (one murder, one death by cancer of a friend's mum), so couldn't hang onto the "only when people are very old" thing. I still reassured them that it is very uncommon that people die young, and that it would be most likely that their dad and I would be around for a long time. But I also told them that death can be upsetting, particularly if it happens to somebody you love or who isn't ready to die, and that it is ok to feel like that.

Original poster
dontdillydally · 20/04/2011 10:01

thanks for replies.

He seemed very frightened last night at bedtime saying I am (meaning me) goign to die and leave him.

Should I speak to school or get a book or something to explain - really struggling with this one Sad

OP posts:
munstersmum · 20/04/2011 11:04

Another version on the 'only very old' is only when people have been sick for a very long time & been in hospital a very long time.

Don't get me started on should schools communicate - last year DS's Yr1 class did a walk around the village cemetery. That was our unexpected introduction to the death topic. This year he thinks it's all OK cos we'll all be resurrected because Jesus was !

Original poster
dontdillydally · 20/04/2011 11:37

last year the same thing happened around Easter he said that it was sad on Friday as it was when Jesus died - he was just 5 so now a year on again he's thought and thought about it.

OMG the cemetery I really do think at this young age we should be pre-warned.

TEACHERS - whats your take on this?

OP posts:
Elibean · 20/04/2011 19:15

dd1 went through this at about 4.5, when my grandmother died. She was quite worried and asked lots of questions for about a week, every night, then less often, then stopped. I did a fair bit of research about what kids that age need, at the time..imagine pretty much the same at 6, really, namely:
what they need is reassurance that no matter what happens, and who dies, THEY will be alright (as per defineme).

Don't stop him asking the questions he needs to ask, let him voice his fears - thats half of what he needs, probably - then give answers aimed at reassuring his fears, and also truthful ones (not always an easy combo, but we muddled through!).
Its very normal for him to be asking/talking about death. I tried to approach it as something very okay and normal, part of life, and reassured dd that I didn't expect to die for a very, very long time and neither did Daddy. She asked about children dying, and I told her they sometimes did because of accidents or very rare illnesses, but that it was very very unusual and that most of the time it was old people who died, when their bodies were too old and tired to work properly anymore.
HTHxxx

Elibean · 20/04/2011 19:18

x-post - it does sound as though he mainly needs loads of reassurance, in a strong voice, that you have no plans to die anytime soon and no one is leaving him!

I vaguely remember following up the death fears bit with new things for dd to focus on at bedtime (which is like a mini-death, in psychological terms, because sleep = separation). In her case, making up 'safe place' nests, imagining all the sounds, smells, colours etc captured her imagination in a happier way and distracted her enough for her to let go and get some sleep!

cory · 20/04/2011 19:34

munstersmum Wed 20-Apr-11 11:04:22
"Another version on the 'only very old' is only when people have been sick for a very long time & been in hospital a very long time. "

I'd still be wary of telling a 6yo something that he will soon find out is not true- I'd be afraid of him not trusting me again. Surely you won't be able to hide from him for much longer that people do die in accidents? Children talk in the playground, he will find out. By the time ds was that age, he had heard of at least 5 or 6 deaths that were not of old people and those were not all deaths we could keep from him- a boy in the class above him run over for instance, someone's cousin dying from sudden illness, you couldn't forbid the other children from talking about something that affected them.

I'd just carry on using the calm voice and the reassurance that it is very unlikely that you will die before your time, but I would absolutely not tell a direct lie.

NotJustKangaskhan · 20/04/2011 20:14

I agree with cory. As a parent with disabilities, saying 'sick for a very long time' leads to death would include me and my husband, particularly in the eyes of the kids where a 'long time' isn't very long. A reassuring, open conversation really put my eldest son's mind to rest - just talking about how it's part of the life cycle, his and our thoughts on what happens after, and that he is unlikely to die soon as are we, but even if it were to happen, he would still be well cared for and we would always love him.

My son started talking about death at about 6, after coming home from his best friend's "Make a Wish" event. It weighed heavily on his mind for a while because he doesn't see his best friend as sick or in anyway different, but knows he has conditions which means he will likely pass on before they reach adulthood from hearing the adults talk around them. Having an open talk about it and further assurance that he can always talk to us about it really eased his mind. Since then he's become quite philosophical (today's big question was the purpose of life...).

HazedandConfused · 20/04/2011 20:17

You are lucky to get to 6, DS is starting to ask loads of these questions and he is only 3... including why his grandad isn't "died" yet, "when will we all be died?" and so on... pretty hard to answer for that age!

bitsyandbetty · 20/04/2011 20:24

My dear mother died recently and I have a 6 year old so used a very religious explanation that Nanny is in heaven with her mommy and is happy now and no longer in pain. We are from an Irish family where it is quite normal to see the body and she saw the body but told me that it was only nanny's body and not the real nanny. She has become obsessed with dying particularly me at the moment and asked whether Daddy would let her have a TV in her bedroom if I died as I have banned them till the age of 13. She is now quite happy, although she would be sad but would quite like Daddy rules.

kitkat1000 · 20/04/2011 20:30

I also go down the route of "old people' , although include injured people too (e.g get run over!) and as my DD is in a very catholic school she loves the whole jesus looking after them etc. I tend to skim over things and don't dwell on kids and middle ages getting ill - i know she will work out im not telling her the truth eventually but i figure by then she will be old enough to understand the truth. She is only 5 and i think too young to fully understand death. Often young kids look like they understand something even if they don't.

MavisEnderby · 20/04/2011 20:38

Hi,my DP died last year when ds was 6.He knew his daddy was very poorly,had been for a while,but obviously things reached crunch point when dp was admitted to itu very ill.At this point I obviously had to prepare him for the worst.

I explained that sometimes when people are poorly,even though the doctors and nurses try very hard they cannot always make people better and that Daddys body was very tired and had been fighting being pooly for a long time,and was now no longer strong enough to carry on.Lots of reassurance that people usually lived a long time,like his nanna and grandads but unfortunately for daddy it was different.We discussed what happened when he died "Daddys body is a bit like a shell,the part of him that made daddy "daddy" was called the soul.Nobody really knows what happens to it when you die but somew people belive you go to heaven or that yoursoul lives on in some way(am not religious so couldn't lie)I said i didn't think there waas a heaven but if it helped ds to believe this that was fine as lots of people belive different things.We also had to go through what happened when someones body was buried or cremated,he asked lots of questions,and as dp was cremated wanted to know what ashes looked like!(I had no idea and had to ask the funeral director!)DS was amazing really,even asked for his dads ashes which are in a nice child friendly urn on a shelf in his room!!!

I think you just have to be honest really.The sad fact is we are all going to die one day.

mintyneb · 20/04/2011 20:45

a friend of mine told me that the advice they had been given for dealing with little ones' questions is to answer truthfully and say that you die when your heart stops beating. We don't know when our heart is going to stop so until then we make sure we enjoy our lives and make the most of them (or something like that). That way you avoid all reference to old people (and so LOs worrying about losing grandparents) or people being ill

my DD has only just turned 4 and we have yet to have this question thrown at us but I would probably be happy to use this type of response as we have always given DD factual answers wherever we can.

I don't know if this helps you at all but really hope you can allay some of DS's fears

princessparty · 20/04/2011 20:56

I have found with my 4 that interest/fear around death peaks about 3/4. i think it is quite a distressing thing for them at first but they come to terms with it and move on.

omniscrambles · 20/04/2011 21:00

I have been really open and honest with mine about death - I dont think it is something that you should make up stories for or pretend that it is only old and very sick people who die as, sadly, it isnt.

Its alright for them to see you sad and grieving too - my ds will ask me - are you sad about your mummy today? and you just say yes but that I'm thinking about her and the things we did together and it makes me feel happier.

I dont think childre nhave to wait for an age to 'understand' death - I mean, we as adults dont understand it but we do have to come to terms with it - like all things and at this age they are more than willing to do that.

zoekinson · 20/04/2011 21:22

omniscrambles, i am with you on this one.
what does everyone else say about poppy day? world events like japan? treading on insects? fossils? the meet on there dinner?

bitsyandbetty · 20/04/2011 21:34

I totally agree that being honest is the best. Funnily enough I always loved going to the cemetary with my grandmother to see my Grandad's grave who I never met when I was a kid and reading all the gravestones. It did not feel creepy and we have always buried pets in the garden because I do strongly believe that you are better being honest with the kids. I have explained that we all die at some point. Again I do think the Irish are great at death. They celebrate a funeral more than a wedding so they always end up with plenty of laughter and the kids are always involved. It is important to celebrate the life and this is one of the reasons why I have always taken the children to funerals when others believe children should be kept away. Really sorry about your partner Mavis.

MavisEnderby · 20/04/2011 21:42

Its funny because I think we have a real weird view of death in this country.I was talking to a Filipino colleague of mine and apparently every 31 October in the Philippines they have a big party/celebration type thing,everyone goes to the cemetry and there are lights and music and parties,I thought this was a lovely idea.I also remember being in Santiago,Chile,and visiting Allendes grave and loads of families had taken picnics to the cemetry,it was a sunday!!!The cemetry itself was amazing.Maybe it is a Catholic thing as my Filipino friend is Catholic.

bitsyandbetty · 20/04/2011 21:51

The Day of the Dead in Mexico is similar. It may be a catholic thing.

exoticfruits · 20/04/2011 22:13

I find that DCs are very interested in the subject, particularly girls aged 5/6yrs. I think that honesty is the best way-it is one sure fact that everyone will die eventually. I find that it is adults who find it difficult and try and change the subject.

Elibean · 20/04/2011 22:19

Of course you have to be honest. Same with sex, war, everything really...but age appropriately, too.
I think it is honest to say its very unusual for children (in this country) to die...and that usually people are old. Its statistically true.

It would be dishonest to say 'children don't die', obviously.
AND I think its also important to notice what an individual child's fears are, around their questioning....if they are scared of being abandoned, as the OP says her ds is, its important to reassure them that they are not about to be left alone. Without lying, of course, but keeping in mind that although they are asking about 'death', what they are sometimes asking about is abandonment: ie 'am I going to be left alone' aka 'my worst fear'. And even when people do die, the answer to that one is usually 'no, you are not'.

bitsyandbetty · 21/04/2011 06:08

Your point is good Elibean. Children of that age are worried about what will happen to them and the practicalities. When my DD was asking about me dying, I explained that we had a will and that they would be going to live with my sister and her children. She seemed very reassured that there was a plan. I did tell her that I had no plans to die just yet!

Another interesting way of explaining life after death without religious connotations is to hold your hand to their heart, then to the head and explain that just because the body dies does not mean to say that the spirit dies. It lives on in the hearts and minds of those who are left alive and that person will never be forgotten. The photos, the things left behind will keep the spirit alive and you can still talk to the person in your head. I explained to my DD that I would hate for her to go before me but she would always be there in my heart and I would never forget her and that is how her spirit would remain alive to me. Again this seemed to reassure her as she was scared of being forgotten.

exoticfruits · 21/04/2011 07:08

That sounds one of the most sensible explanations that I have heard bitsyandbetty and very reassuring. One of the first things that you need to do when you have a DC is work out guardianship. I can never understand people making the promise, 'I won't die' as if it is something within their control.