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Primary education

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Original poster

Would you say this is bullying?

35 replies

emkana · 30/03/2011 20:57

A girl joined dd's class from another class in the same year about a year ago. Initially dd and her were friendly, but over the last couple of months the girl has become increasingly unpleasant. Not a day seems to go by when she won't call dd dumb/an idiot/stupid, make fun of her in front of others, accuse dd of being horrible to her when dd has done nothing... I'm not sure how to handle it, so far I have always told dd to just ignore it, and dd is very good at that but is finding it harder as time goes on. The teachers love this girl. The parents are lovely but have no idea what their dd is doing I think.

They are in year five.

OP posts:

PoppetUK · 30/03/2011 21:02

I'd say it's bullying and needs addressing for both their sakes. 1) your child shouldn't have to put up with this 2) this young girl needs things pointing out so she can do something about it.

It can't be nice for either you or your daughter.

Original poster

emkana · 30/03/2011 21:23

So should I talk to the teacher first?

OP posts:

Original poster

emkana · 30/03/2011 21:44

OP posts:

lionheart · 30/03/2011 21:48

I would say it is bullying and would talk to the teacher. Has your daughter said what she would like to be done, emkana?

tinytalker · 30/03/2011 21:52

Have you witnessed these incidents yourself or are you going on what your dd has told you? If not then you need to approach the teacher to find out the full story, ask if she has noticed any issue with your dd and this other girl? Ask if she can monitor the situation and feedback to you after a week or so. It may well be that your dd is only telling you what is being said to her and not what she is saying too. It can often be that both children are giving out as much as they are getting and that both children need talking to, to clear the air. I wouldn't automatically assume it is a case of bullying.

Original poster

emkana · 30/03/2011 21:58

No I haven't witnessed anything, but do find dd quite trustworthy as she's never been one to tell tales.

Dd would like me to talk to the teacher.

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Lookandlearn · 30/03/2011 22:08

It fits my description of bullying, as it is repeated frequently. One off incidents may not be. Talk to teacher and be prepared for the possible answer to be to help your dd to desk with it rather than a punitive approach towards the other girl. This might seem like a cop out but is more likely to have long term success.

lionheart · 30/03/2011 22:08

I would do it--they should have some anti-bullying strategies that they can use. It doesn't have to be heavy-handed.

Original poster

emkana · 30/03/2011 22:26

Dd is dealing with it to be fair, but I am getting increasingly incensed.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 30/03/2011 22:29

yes, i think it is bullying and i think you should speak to the teacher about it

Original poster

emkana · 30/03/2011 22:37

Apparently the class teacher absolutely loves this girl, not sure whether to bypass her? In the past she has been inclined to believe the other girl when she accused dd of being horrible.

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stayathomegardener · 30/03/2011 22:39

I know you say DD is dealing with it but maybe by being so tolerant she is unwittingly prolonging this treatment by the other girl by almost accepting it.

My DD had similar problems in year 6 and it was only when she refused to tolerate such behaviour did the situation resolve,I did ask the head teacher for support in trying to ensure that they did not work together or were partners-they were classed as 'best friends'.It took some time and support from me talking her through certain situations but at no point was my DD rude or aggressive towards the other girl.

HTH

Lookandlearn · 30/03/2011 22:40

Who says the class teacher loves this girl? Dd or others?

Original poster

emkana · 30/03/2011 22:42

Dd, and she has given me examples of favourable treatment being given to the girl (unrelated to dd, things like always being picked first)

OP posts:

Original poster

emkana · 31/03/2011 09:28

Little bump, still pondering best approach - class teacher, someone higher up or maybe the mother first?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 09:34

Teacher first.

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 09:35

If the teacher does like this child, she will get a shock. So maybe ask the teacher to keep an eye for a week and suggest another meeting after that to talk about it so the teacher gets a chance to reassess her view.

JoanofArgos · 31/03/2011 09:38

Not the mother!

It is horrible though. If it's been going on this long, I would be tempted to approach the teacher but with a self-and-dd-deprecating schtick like 'dd and Girl don't seem to be getting on and I wondered if you'd noticed anything or had any suggestions' rather than 'Girl is being horrid' (even if that's the truth). But the former approach can work quite well.

Oh and 'Queen Bees and Wannabes' by somebody Wiseman - excellent book which is very on-the-ball about girls, their friendships and the power games they play. Mine arrived from amazon yesterday: I spent all afternoon reading it, and what do you know, my own year 5 came out of school and described a day that sounded pretty much word for word like a case study out of it.

crunchbag · 31/03/2011 09:39

Class teacher. Your dd asked you to talk to her.
Even if the teacher really 'loves' this girl so much, it doesn't necessarily mean that she won't take your dd serious.

ExitPursuedByALamb · 31/03/2011 09:47

Thanks for the recommendation Joan - just ordered the book from Amazon. Girls! My DD (Year 6) came home last night all upset because the girls she and her friend are meant to be sharing a room with on a school trip are now sharing with two others. She then accuses me of not supporting her because I get cross, but it winds me up so much.

OP - I would talk to the teacher but be careful - it may be you who is more upset about this than your DD. I know I get more upset than mine does.

JoanofArgos · 31/03/2011 09:57

my year 5 came out yesterday very upset because almost everyone had formed a 'hate club' in which the main rule was, you're not allowed to talk to my dd. Their plan had been to make special membership cards today and refine the special salute.

This morning they jumped out from behind a tree all smiles and friendship, apologized, and asked her if she wanted to be in the club.

What can one say?

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 11:00

kill them

SenoritaViva · 31/03/2011 11:10

Really don't approach the mother. How awkward for her. It is the school's responsibility to sort this out. Go to the teacher first, with a fixing the problem attitude rather than an accusatory attitude. If you go above the teacher first then she will feel you have overlooked her and this could create more problems. If the teacher does not fix it or deal with it appropriately then you can go higher to head or whatever.

Make the teacher aware of the problem, have her monitor it and/or make suggestions on how to fix it. Give them a week to improve the situation and book a second appointment after that week.

Good luck, it is bullying IMO.

ExitPursuedByALamb · 31/03/2011 11:20

Hully - Now that is not nice is it?

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 11:22

Exit - there is nice

And there is Justice - Clint style.

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