Private for 1st child, state for 2nd child-experiences please!

[Mangomargarita]

DD1 is at private school at the moment in year 4. Her sister will be joining reception this September at a state school.

Don't really want to have a discussion on which is better private or state - as for us the financial struggle of putting a second child through private school is just not worth it.
However, I can't help but feel slightly nervous about DD2 joining reception this September, I think the main worry being the much larger class sizes.
I would love to hear if anyone has done, what was your experience and what did you find the biggest adjustment-would really appreciate if you would come and let me know.

Can you send DD2 to private primary once DD1 is established at state secondary?

Thanks rebhl-we are doing what is best for our family.

I'm not sure why I am still getting posts of favouritism, as people really don't know exactly what our situation is and there seems to be the view that private is always better than state. People have obviously not read my posts, to keep harping on about it, as I have repeatedly stated that I am not happy at all with dd1's private school. DD1 is also not that keen on her school, but does not want to change because of friends. Also dd1 is in a prep school that only goes up to year 6, why on earth would I take her out in year 5 to send her to a state primary school for two years?

Like I have said(and people are not reading) I will be sending them to the same school at secondary. I do not expect it to be an issue for them at adults that dd1 went to a not very good independent at primary and dd2 to a good state school. If after dd1 leaves her primary school and dd2 is really struggling, then we will see if another private will suit, but that is a few years down the line.
If people are so interested in debating the fairness/unfairness of this maybe you should start your own thread, as really I am not interested in whether you think what I am doing is fair or not!

Thank you very much for posting circular, you were in exactly the same situation we are in now and I was really happy to read your very positive experience.

Erebus - I don't want to go into too many details about dd1's private school as I might out myself, but believe me there is no way that dd2 will be missing anything going there. Both dh and myself will make sure whatever the situation that both our girls get the opportunity to develop to the best of their potential, we adore them both and will make sure they get the support they need.

Circular - was reading through your post again and it struck so many chords with me. I know people often perceive private as always automatically better, but it is so much more complex than that and I don't think they often bring out the best in a child. I hope it all works out for your two.
There was a big age gap between me and my siblings and we went through very different educational experiences(both state and private) and the school I was the happiest in was a lovely state school -it's just a matter of finding the right mix of good teachers and friends and that can happen anywhere.

Mangomargarita - I think the 6 school year age gap with our two made the obvious resentment less likely. It helps that there would only have been a year at the same school at the same time (reception and yr 6) if they had both attended state primary.

DD1's private schools were both excellent. But she is quite a complicated, willful child and the strict environment of the selective school just did not suit her. Ironically, I think it would have suited DD2 better, but I would never let on that to either of them.

The secondary school (slightly above average comp) has not been plain sailing. Some teachers saw her as a star pupil as she knew everything already, others found her a little miss know it all' who always had something to say for herself but would not write it down as she found it boring and had done it all before.

Are you planning to move DD1 into a state secondary for year 7 ?

That is a similar gap to my two circular.

Yes we will be sending dd1 to a non-fee paying school when she finishes at her present school.
I think the fact her present school is not great makes it easier, as there isn't the guilt of wishing we could send dd2 there. I do think it's easier in a way if they have had to deal with just one educational system, especially in a case like yours where your dd1 went to an excellent first school and can maybe compare the two.
From personal experience I do know that children do well where they are happy and that can often be down to luck(eg. having an inspiring teacher) and the sorts of friends they make as well. I'm sure it hasn't been easy for your dd1, but it sounds like she has handled it well and maybe(?) become more motivated to do better if you send her back to her old school to do A levels.

FWIW I was state educated and my brother privately educated (he started off at a state school but it didn't suit him) and it hasn't caused any resentment at all in our family.

I'm glad to hear that Bramshott. I would find this decision harder if it was secondary school, but don't think it should be such a big deal at primary.
Also alot of people on here are acting like circumstances never change, financial situation be damned you sent your first to private, now you must do the same for your second, six years later - it's ridiculous!

Only in secondary - and I don't think people should presume that it is unfair to send one child private and one to state if both schools are the best schools for that child at that time.
In our case, some resentment developed because one of his lovely friends said that DC2 should expect the same amount of money to be spent on him as DC1 who was attending an 11-18 independent school.
When DC2 went into the Sixth Form we then paid for him to go to an independent, because that was exactly the right school (and we were no longer paying for DC1).

You can't move a child from where she's happy just to make things "fair" with her sister, who is too young to understand.

If you can't afford to send DD2 to a private school, you can't afford it, and that's that.

If you're happy with your school choice and you think she'll have a good time there, then good for you.

Thanks Lilymaid and spidookly totally agree with you both. Unfortunately I think it is other people that make it out to be unfair, a child will not think about whether their school is fee-paying or not and whether it is fair/unfair, unless someone else make derogatory comments.

I was a mixture of state / private education and my sister was state educated. It didn't cause too many arguments between us as my sister is very left wing and would never have gone to a private school even if she had been given the option. I noticed, however, that the private school had much better teachers and smaller class sizes which resulted in many more pupils going to university. If my sister had not done very well at a state secondaryand got onto the course of her choice I suspect there may have been some bad feeling. Much may come down to whether or not the state schools are good ones which allow a child to flourish to their full potential.

I had it the opposite way round - my parents weren't as wealthy when my sister was younger and she was state educated the whole way through, however, they had the finances to fund private education for me, and I went independent the whole way through.

My sister was given the opportunity to have private for sixth form, and chose not to go, because it wasn't an environment she knew. My sister speaks very degrotary of private education, and I sometimes think this is defense mechanism that she wouldn't of wanted it even if she could.

I had the surprise subsequent children after starting on the independent route.

With my eldest I started them at state school - not having experience of it myself thought majority of the population do it it can't be that bad, our personal experince of local state school was that it was terrible, so for year 3 moved to independent.

Then surprise children came along - we live in an area that have very good selective state secondary schools, so for finances we took the approach, we would fund primary independent, in the hope that they would get into selective state. So far they have, so that's freed up cash for younger children. If the case of the younger ones don't get in, we will fund independent senior, as won't go anything other than selective for state.

My children all understand this and I think the crucial thing is communication with the children. They may not understand it all when children, but as they got older they realise it's not preference/favortism etc it is monetary logistics.

The only adults I know with siblings who were sent private/state difference that has caused problems, are the ones where the parents have made it an issue - for example, buying houses/cars for the state educated adults not the private as "that's what we spent on your school fees".

Just to add, when DD2 started in reception, we did get a few judgemental comments from other parents when they realised what school DD1 attended.
I remember one mum in particular ( who had 3 children at the primary). "great school if you can afford it, even if it IS only for one".
Reception teacher also asked if DD2 would be sitting 7+ and likely to leave at end of yr2.

DD1 of same mum above is at same school as DD1, in same year. DD1 says she is really stuck up and has never spoken to her. But she did once overhear other girl referring to her saying "my mum says we don't get on".

'I think it is other people that make it out to be unfair, a child will not think about whether their school is fee-paying or not and whether it is fair/unfair, unless someone else make derogatory comments'

They will when they become adults!

Both my parents were educated privately at very good schools. My brother, who was only one year older than me, sat the entrance exam for my father's private school and passed with a full scholarship. My parents chose not to send him though as they were worried about the "extras".
We lived in an area where there was also a grammar school but I wasnt allowed to sit the exam.
We both went to a mediochre secondary state school where I did fairly well but my brother didnt.

Although I understand your reasons, I'm not sure your children will once old enough.
It still rankles with me over 20 years later.

I don't think your daughters will care. It is not like they have swapped and can compare. If you are sending DD1 to a local secondary which is fed by DD2's primary however ( you don't say so this might not be the case) then it may make sense to move her now because if friendships are important to her then knowing no-one when entering secondary could be really hard. Ikeep rereading your question and am not sure what response you want. The following statements are generalisations but I am in a postion where I see a range of both private and state schools. You will without doubt see differences particularly in Reception. For instance it will probably feel less academic, you may get less reading books but on the plus reception teachers in state are highly trained. Private tends to be more knowledge based, state more skilled based. Children do benefit from smaller classes but the biggest factor is good teaching. Statisically for children attending state from the same socio-economic group as those that attend private grades are the same and in some schools better. The biggest factor to success is the parents. Sad but true social mobility declining?

Interesting reading about your experiences receiverofopiniongiver and thejaffacakesareonme.

Princessparty - I had a very different educational experience to my siblings. I am not jealous of them, even though they had more opportunites than me. My parents did the best for us given the situation at the time. I had a lot to deal with as a child, but my parents were very supportive and encouraging and now as a parent I have greater appreciation of that, not resentful of the fact that my siblings were given certain things and I wasn't.
On the other Dh's brother had exactly the same educational experience as his siblings and I have never met a more jealous individual. He goes on about favouritism and unfairness, so sometimes you really can't win.

rainbowinthsky-your situation is somewhat different. I'm not sure why your parents didn't want you to sit the grammar school exam. However, we will make sure that both our daughters will live up to their potential - dd2 does not need to go to dd1's not very good private school to do that. I think people are not reading all my posts properly.
The economy and our personal circumstances have changed alot in the past 10 years, do you really think that we should go into debt to send dd2 to a private school for primary just because we think she is going to think it is unfair that she didn't go when she becomes an adult?

I didn't want to get into this whole debate or I would have posted in the "Am I being unreasonable" section!

Peckle - thanks for your post. As to what response I am expecting. I know all state schools are different, I just wanted to know what people's personal experiences were(just out of interest), what they found the main differences were for them personally. Like you mentioned maybe less individual reading, different teaching styles. There are many things I did not like about dd1s school, so it is not that I am looking to compare the state school unfavourably to the private school-like I said just curious about what other people have found when they have done the same.
I don't understand why I should move dd1 in year 5 to a state school where she is almost certain to be the only new girl, when I can move her in secondary where everyone is new. Some people might know each other, but I'm sure the vast majority will make new friends. Also dd1's school only goes up to year 6, so I would like her to leave at the same time as her friends.

As to you other question maybe half of the people from dd2 state school go to the same state secondary.

Not really sure why childcare would be a problem, as I am will be taking the time off anyway.
DD1 having the extra holidays would actually be an advantage, as I can help her with her work and we can do things that we can't do when dd2 is around due to the large age gap.
It is only for two years, so don't think dd2 will make too much of it.

Thanks Giddypickle. Practically it would be better to have two children at one school and now I wish I had started dd1 to the same state school I am sending dd2.
Picking up and dropping off at two different schools will be a pain, but both schools are quite near to each other, so hopefully not too much of a problem.
DD1 really does get a tonne of school work(including holiday work), so some of the holidays can be spent helping her. She is a very sensitive child, so there is no way she will gloat over her younger sister regarding longer holidays, I think the big age gap makes it easier in this case.

Hi, Mangomargarita,

My family's experience was that my local state primary was a lot less formal, a lot less academic, it was harder for my parents to keep track of what and how I was learning (no separately timetabled lessons with specialist teachers to reassure them of what I was doing each day, no text books to bring home, and no formal homework...), and my mother did panic that I "wasn't learning enough" in comparison to her older, privately educated children. Clearly it was enough to enable me to access a good state grammar school education from age 11, though, and to get into Oxford, and most importantly of all, to develop a love of learning. My privately educated siblings' experiences were of a more traditional spread of formal lessons (eg timetabled history lessons; foreign languages; lots of sport etc), a more traditional style of teaching and a far greater proportion of their days being taken up with school, school activities and school work. I think I would have been happy in either system. My db loathed his private school, though, and it did impressive work on damaging his self-esteem. My ultimate conclusion, therefore, is that provided a primary school teaches the academic basics to an acceptable level of competency, in preparation for more formal, academic work from age 11, the rest of primary school life is about developing happy, inquisitive, independent-minded children with high self-esteem and a positive attitude towards school, learning and the world around them. This can be achieved in many different ways, in both the private and state sector, but sometimes you have to remind yourself of what your hopes and aims are for your children's education, so that you don't get caught up in the general panic that if they aren't learning French at age 8, or doing lots of homework, like their siblings, then their future happiness, academic success and/or prosperity are already compromised.

Thanks for your very insightful post rabbitstew. I completely agree with you. DD1 is very bright, but I don?t think she has a love for learning. Her private school(I?m not saying all of them are like this) overloads them with information and she gets a lot of homework too and that has resulted in her not being particularly interested in any of it. It is a very pressurised environment and unnecessary in my opinion. You have expressed my thoughts much more eloquently than I could have!