Private school - is it worth the expense?

[estobi1]

I am just thinking about this for our DD1.

She is in year one primary and is not being challenged. I am trying to supplement her learning at home but I do not feel that this is enough. She is bright but her work is "good enough" in a class of 31 and I do not think she is being challenged to take things further. She is at a good school but resources are going to be limited with class sizes of 31 when compared against classes of 16. My DD currently is enthusiastic about learning and I do not want to destroy this but I would love her to have somebody guide her and stimulate her so that she develops to her potential.

Am I being the pushy mum who just needs to calm down (the perpetual mummy guilt!)? I see programmes about incredible foreign kids who are so amazingly clever and talented and I want my children to be able to survive in this increasingly open global job market. In actual fact, what I want more than anything is for them to be happy but just able to sustain themselves. I have a good professional career and I know it is not everything and my family life comes first for me (all ambition is gone for my career!).

We have two children and I would want to do the same for both kids so it is going to be a massive stretch financially and may mean we end up having to move. I have been reading the other threads on here and trying to take it all in. There is so much to consider and it is pretty overwhelming.

Are tutors a good alternative? is she too young for me to be thinking about all of this? Our hopes initially were to send her to a state primary (outstanding ofsted) and hope that she passes her 11+ and goes to a local grammar. I went to a really good comp & on to uni. My brother did nt get into my school dropped out of Alevels and didnt get to uni. I know some of this is about aptitude but a lot of it is attitude and expectations and I dont want to get this wrong and regret it.

Are you able to ask whether anyone has experience of a specific school not sure if that is an inappropriate post.

My dh went to private schools and then had to leave when his dad lost his job - I think it would destroy him if the same happened to us.

What about bursaries how easy are they to come by?

Anyway, all in all - in your experience is it all worth it?

phew! feel so much better for getting it all out at the risk of sounding totally neurotic!

thanks

I don't know about private schools in the UK.

I was born American, and there, faith schools are independent, so I went to one from the earliest.

My father worked abroad to keep my sister and me there, as even then, the public schools were going down the pan, which is why I'd never live there again.

When we followed him on his assignments, we always went to private schools or, as my sister was elder, to board.

Personally, if the only school was really bad, I would home educate or move back to live in my mother's house, that is saying much, to send them to private school.

I could have been privately educated all the way, but I became a socialist and tested into the equivalent of a very competitive grammar school when I was 14.

My sister was sent to board sometimes for secondary, to Catholic schools, but there was no need of bursaries because my father's company paid, and she is now quite succesful.

My education was very good, I might add. I guess it depends on the school.

I went to a Catholic school run by Dominican nuns. Our brother school was run by Jesuit priests.

Even now, both still hold a stirling reputation and there is a waiting list.

People put their children on the list before they are even born.

Our DD went to a private primary school and we did feel it was worth it - partly because it was a good school, a happy place that did well academically without in any way being a hothouse, partly because all the state schools surrounding us were one faith or t'other, we wouldn't have got a place in the good ones without lying.

Every situation is different though - DH was sent to a mediocre private school, he still can't fathom why!

AFAIK bursaries aren't at all easy to come by. I'd guess that anyone who is contemplating being able to pay would be highly unlikely to qualify. But there's no harm in asking. I don't know if you've started actively looking at/talking to private schools in your area, but don't forget you are in the position of a potential customer, they should be only too willing to answer any questions you may have.

People do start threads asking about specific schools - you may or may not get responses but no harm in asking.

Hard to tell. Have two dcs in state: dd is absolutely fanatical about learning, ds does his homework for fear of lunchtime detention- but then it is possible that they children would be the same in an expensive private school. What I will say is that those particular state schools have not done anything to damp dd's enthusiasm and that she has plenty of friends who are also very keen on learning, though ours is not a particularly affluent area (demographic is lower middle class/working class, I'd say).

I went to a state school with a similar demographic (though in a different country so arguably not comparable) and ended up with a great enthusiasm for learning (and a PhD).

Dh attended a very good and quite academic private school, which he thoroughly enjoyed, but was lazy and underperformed in exams. Not the school's fault, I think, just his immaturity. He is clearly capable as he did later go to uni and did ok.

All in all I would say there are no guarantees either way.

sorry typo: "they" should be "those"

You have to weigh up the pros and cons for yourself - it is not the same for everyone, albeit that what most of us want at the end of the day is for our children to end up happy, well adjusted grown ups.

If you had to move to another area and work all the hours that God sends to afford private school fees, would your dd still be coming back to a happy home environment, or a harassed, stressed and lonely one? Is your dd happy and settled where she is, and enjoying what she is learning, or miserable and bored? Do you think finding a good private school and paying for it will enable you to relax about your dd's education, instead of worrying about home enrichment activities, or do you think it might merely result in you stressing about your dd keeping up with the work, potentially expensive hobbies and interests of the other children at the school, or about your dd having too much pressure put on her at a young age? Do you worry that your dd's current school will not enable your dd to reach a high enough academic level to pass entrance exams for private schools later on, when you've had time to save up for it, if she doesn't get into grammar school? Or are you hoping to pay up to age 11 and somehow rely on that ensuring your child a place at a state grammar school for the rest of your dd's education, rather than ending up paying school fees forever??? Can you really afford to put two children through private schools from age 5 to age 18 (plus university fees)? If you do, what other things of benefit to your children will they have to miss out on? Savings to be spent on getting onto the housing ladder or to help fund interesting and productive Gap Years? Holidays? Clothes? A car? Musical instruments and lessons? A house big enough to have a bit of privacy and space in? A garden? Family fun and/or educational days out? A good diet? Central heating?

No-one knows your actual situation, so you'll just have to decide on your own priorities and then visit potential schools to see whether they put your mind at rest over some of your issues, or make the matter worse.

You have to look at the choice of schools you have in your area. Both state and primary and move if neccessary - if you really feel one school has what you want for your DC. All schools differ. Just because a school is private, it does not automatically mean it is "better" than perhaps a state school option.

We have moved around the UK with DHs job and have had both our DC in state and private schools. We have had 1 duff private school - so obviously in hindsight I would say that was a waste of our money, although our DD was happy there, I just didnt feel it delivered what it said it did.

On the whole the few other private schools we have used have been fab. Smaller classes, streamed early on, subject taught from age 7, use of lovely facilities from an early age such a science labs,art studios etc.

We have had some fab state schools as well. 1 had small classes but they were then made mixed year - worked out well for 1 of our DC but not so well for our other. IT facilities has been better at most state schools.

One thing I did notice in 3 state primaries though was that there was (for us) much less reading in class. In all the state schools my DC attended the amount of time the class teacher or TA listened to my DC read was significantly less than any of the private schools they attended. All private schools listened to them read on a daily basis. I was lucky if any state school listened to them read once a week. 2 state primaries listened less than 5 times in 1 term - not a major concern for me because they were ahead of the recommended level for their age and free reading anyway - but thats another issue I had - because they were OK they were hardly ever given any attention.

My experiences are of several schools but obviously a teeny tiny amount when you think of all the schools out there. I still would not automatically assume private is better than state. You need to go and look, ask questions of all schools and speak to past and present parents whether you are looking at a state or private school. Then think about how your DC will fit in there, how they will cope with the work load, other kids, the commute etc etc.

Good luck.

Please don't supplement her learning by hiring a tutor I have friends who do this and whilst their children are top of the class it is soul destroying to watch them being coached to the limit. My friend said to me that she is concerned that her child is losing interest in academia. She is 6 years old she is losing interest because she has sat up at the table with workbooks every single day since she turned 3 years old and when she showed an interest in Maths a Maths tutor was hired to push her even further.

Just keep on doing what you are doing, if you can afford private school then go for it if you feel your child would benefit from smaller class sizes. I wouldn't worry too much about it at this stage, as long as they leave primary school with a good grasp of the basics and a love of learning then they are on the right path. Secondary school is more important.

How do you know she is not being 'challenged' at school? Is she bored, misbehaving, uninterested in school? If not why move her and incur an expense it sounds you may struggle with?

Ds is at pre-prep in yr 2. I have no idea if he is being challenged or not. He found yr 1 pretty boring and misbehaved. His teacher said she'd never taught anyone like him. He is happier and more enthusiastic in yr 2 because his teacher understands his somewhat quirky character. Obviously I have no idea if he would sink or swim in a class of 30 compared to his current class of 14.

Don't think that private school is automatically the answer. What does your dd's teacher say about her work and her ability?

If you can afford private school, go for it but like many others have said, find the school that is right for your child. There are many bad and many good prep schools and no doubt, someone on MN will come on here to give you a good example to support the bad and the good!

Our 4yoDD and 7yoDS are at prep and we love it. Amongst other things, specialist teaching swung it for us.

I have no experience of state education but I am sure there are many good schools out there.

How much do you need specialist tuition at age 7 to make a happy, well adjusted, well educated child, if this is difficult for you to afford?

How do you know she is not being challenged?

Does she enjoy school?

I think you sound pushy tbh - it's only Y1

Rabbitwew - your comments are very insightful. I noted on another thread where you say half of your siblings were privately educated and the other half went state.

Did you ever question how your parents decided who went where? I had a brief thought about this possibility for my dds based on their differing needs but discarded the idea because of the possibility of causing more harm than good.

Rabbitstew of course

There are good and bad state primary schools, just as there are good and bad private schools. If your daughter is happy, has made lots of friends and enjoys school why rock the boat?

My daughter goes to an excellent state primary school and walked the entrance exam to the girls high school without extra tuition. She told me afterwards that the weekly tests she does in school were harder than the entrance exam.

A good private school will hugely advantage your DC, and itds hard to quantify that. But if what you want is to 'stretch' and you have time to tailor things to her interests then there might be better ways of spending the money.

Round here tuition alone is about 8000 pounds for primary. If you wanted to use this to stretch your daughter you could provide her with a native-speaking one-on-one language lesson every day she wished; pay for really good musical tuition; buy any book she wanted; pay for a residential arts course in every break; basically tailor an education to her interest and still have cash left over. And, if she has siblings and the commitment is sustained, the yearly ongoing costs mean you could extend the house to give them their own library and work space.

basically, the choice about money is yours, but it is also about time-do you want to pay the privaye school to produce a programme better suited to her, or would you rather use the money to design one yourself?

i agree thaigreencurry ive a friend who does this with KUMON their life is acadamia 24/7 bless the only outlet they are allowed is music in for of more lessons in violin,im sure her children will do well in school but all three of my DCs are going to lovely MC state schools and doing fantastic because they have a LOVE of learning and they have many interests and hobbies including music and being with their peers outside of school one dc ia autistic the other two older DCs are in secondary school but have to admit this is this year exam wise become the top school in our city and dc has electric guitar lessons and is doing her D of E both olse dcs getting A* in their exams so far but this was predicted in their mags and tags so their are good and bad schools wether private or state, look at results and ofsted AND visit and speak to people in the area dont just go by the figures visit and ask a lot of questions

I think you sound pushy, too, but I guess that's your perogative.
I have one DC in private but not for pushy reasons. I would not feel comfortable with that expectation for my DC. I am pretty sure that my DS is learning less and producing lower quality work at his private school than he was at his state school but he is happy about going to school, now, which is invaluable. And being happier will lead to better school results in the long run. Good pastoral care is much more important to me than special extracurricular opportunities or good league table results.

OP sounds like she wants her child to have the highest chance of being among the elite of school leavers, that OP feels she would actually be failing her child not to give that child that opportunity if she (OP) can possibly help it. Many people send their DC to private schools for those kinds of reasons. You could read any number of posts on MN by Xenia to justify that position.

so sorry terrible typos lost reading specs

Hi, maggiethecat - there was no grand design in where my siblings and I ended up at school. My parents made the mistake of relying on friends' and colleagues' recommendations for db's private school and he was miserable. As I said, dsis was very happy at her school, but my parents were told that if they sent her to the local state grammar school at age 11 (which they did), none of their other children would be welcome to attend the school, otherwise I would probably also have gone there... Experiences of poor private education and manipulative/threatening behaviour from private schools not wanting to lose their brightest to the state sector somewhat put my parents off perservering with the private sector (particularly given that they knew their children were all likely to be bright enough to pass the 11 plus without the extra push a private school might or might not be able to provide). I think people tend to attempt to be an awful lot more strategic and fussy these days and find education a thoroughly stressful subject. When I was growing up, I think most (but not all) people tended to be a little bit more laid back and less self-condemning if they made what ultimately appeared to have been the wrong choices.

and ps, ultimately, the state grammar school option was a poor choice for one of my dbs, who whilst quite gifted in IQ terms was also very quirky. He would no doubt have been happier in a comprehensive with good pastoral care. We didn't really grow up in an area with comprehensives, though, you were either an 11 plus pass or an 11 plus failure.

Squidgy she just thought he was being difficult. Hard for me as she was/is a very popular teacher and I seemed to be the only parent in the class who had problems with her. This year's teacher sussed Ds within one term and it's made a difference, albeit we had a difficult first term to get through. Ds is outwardly very chatty and confident so just the sort of child you'd expect to tell the teacher if he was bored etc. In fact he lacks confidence and won't say anything and it can take months to discover whatever concerns/worries him.