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Primary education

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Original poster

School have drawn up a rota on who DD can play with and when!

38 replies

sandyballs · 17/03/2011 09:50

Long story that I have posted on several times before over the years.

DD (10) has had an obsessive friend (k) since reception. K has always wanted DD to herself and resented anyone joining their games. DD is popular and wants to play with lots of kids but k makes it difficult, following them, making stuff up andvtellibg teachers etc.

I have spoken several timed to teachers and the mum and things will settle for a few days then return to obssessive stuff again. DD feels suffocated. In particular she has a friend (J) she loves to play with. K obv hates j as she sees her as taking DD away from her and the last couple of weeks there has been lots of hassle with k.

DD came home last night with a written timetable from her teacher setting out which days she is supposed to play exclusively with K and which with J. I'm cross that the school think this is a solution, dd is miserable and dh is livid comparing it to being asked to spend time with your stalker!!

I'm going into school later but wanted views. Incidentally K has special needs, young for her age in speech and behaviour. I have always taken this into account but am now thinking this has gone on wsy too long and it's my dd I'm concerned about, special needs or not.

OP posts:
maxpower · 17/03/2011 09:53

What!? If anyone needs to have their playtime structured for them it sounds like K rather than your DD! Sounds to me like the school's trying to take the easy option by changing your DD's play behaviour rather than tackling the more difficult problem of K's possiveness.

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/03/2011 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarlettWalking · 17/03/2011 09:59

I agree with your DH - I would put a stop to that little plan PRONTO!

coppertop · 17/03/2011 09:59

Shock That's a terrible way for the school to deal with the issue. Your dd should have the same freedom to choose her friends as any other child.

Do K's parents know about this? I have 2 children with Sn and wouldn't be at all happy if their school was proposing this for them.

snice · 17/03/2011 10:03

DD's school tried something like this when a group of girls were falling out in spectacular fashion. I was furious as were some of the other mothers involved. When we spoke to the head about it she instantly backed down and removed the rota.

The problem was being caused by two particular children who did not get on and it was daft to try and organise the whole groups' friendships around the issue

HattiFattner · 17/03/2011 10:08

thats terrible...your DD has the right tochoose her own friendship groups and should not be forced to play with K if she doesnt wish to.

Tell the school where they can shove their rota.

Original poster
sandyballs · 17/03/2011 10:10

Thanks for replies.MKs mum sAnd Js mum are aware and think it is madness. It snt the class teacher who has suggested this, it is Ks special needs teacher. I agree k needs help to socialise with others. I think the opposite approach to what the school have done would be best, telling k to stay away and mx with others.

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Original poster
sandyballs · 17/03/2011 10:11

Bloody iPhone!!

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snice · 17/03/2011 10:17

Thinking about it this is a lazy response from the school. If they want to improve the situation for K they need to do some work on friendships with K, small groups of children including K, and the class as a whole.
In adition K's SN teacher could be organising some lunchtime activities for K and other invited children to improve the quality of K's relationships with the other children. For example a special game or toy that K could invite another child to share.

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/03/2011 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 17/03/2011 10:44

Think I would politely point out to the school that you will accept the rota for DD along as every child in the class has a play rota drawn up and its not just your child.

Mangomargarita · 17/03/2011 12:06

DD had this situation too sandyballs, still does to a certain extent. The only difference though is that the girl obsessed with her does not have special needs.
It was awful as this girl wanted dd to herself and scared away anyone else who wanted to be dd's friend. She even intimidated dd who used to follow her around like a puppy.

I think child K needs to have a time-table where she has to play with other children on certain days, atleast your dd will have a break from her. Go to the school and make this suggestion, they should be encouraging child K to mix with other children and not timetabling time with your dd.

DD's school was not much good, I had to tell dd to tell this girl to keep away, but she still follows her around though not to the same extent. This girl is a bully too and is really nasty to other children, but can't seem to do without dd.
Ofcourse I feel sorry for child K, but people don't realise how bad it can be for the child who is the target of this too, I know my dd's personality underwent a change and she became very timid and isolated. Unfortunately, despite talkings to from the teacher, it is very hard to police a playground as the teacher isn't around to see what is actually happening.

snice · 17/03/2011 12:19

in any talks with the school you need to emphasise that child K is the one who is being let down

PaisleyLeaf · 17/03/2011 14:08

Just awful Shock
It sort of feels like your DD's being treated like an object - a skipping rope or something the other 2 girls need to share.
She's being completely ignored in this.
I'd also feel the same as your DH.

ClaraRenee · 17/03/2011 14:24

I know how you feel. I had this with DD2 (now in year 3) during years 1&2.
The situation was very similar. A girl was obsessed with my DD that her parents bought her the same bags, hair bobbles,toys and as we live near school, they parked outside our house every day. When DD had enough and played with other girls, nasty bullying started as this girl became jealous.
I had numerous meetings with the class teacher with not much results. When this teacher retired and a new one started, things started to happen. Her parents were called in and her obsession still continued. Eventually, my DD moved class to the other year class, the problems have now stopped.
I have never heard of a school writing a rota for playtime. Your DD has the right to play with who she wants, she shouldn't have to play with this girl if she doesn't want to. Is there a chance she could move classes? It took an arrival of a new teacher for me to be taken seriously. I would also document everything, when you have a meeting next you can then show teacher what is going on. My DD also kept a diary and showed her new teacher how she felt. This seemed to work.
Hope you get it sorted.

Original poster
sandyballs · 17/03/2011 15:23

Interesting to hear all comments/experiences. J's mum has met with SN teacher today and outlined her concerns for all three girls, and questioned the rota the girls have been given.

SN teacher admitted it was a last resort as she is 'at the end of her tether' with the problems the threesome creates. I'm at work but have just rung school and am waiting for her to call back so I can yet again emphasise how obsessed and possessive K is with DD and how I do not under any circumstances want her being forced to play with her using some sodding rota.

I agree K is being let down but so is DD and her needs don't seem to be taken into consideration. She's a laid back easy going girl whose personality is being taken advantage of

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Original poster
sandyballs · 17/03/2011 15:52

Clara, same with K - she copies everything DD has/does and the mum seems to encourage it

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hocuspontas · 17/03/2011 16:51

Are you sure your dd hasn't said to the school that she is willing to play with K sometimes? I can't believe a rota has been drawn up firstly, without an individual chat with each child involved and secondly, forcing her to play with another child when she doesn't ever want to.

WriterofDreams · 17/03/2011 17:11

Something similar happened to me when I was in primary and I still remember it! There was a girl with SN who was obsessed with me (I think because I was the only one who paid her any attention) and it became a bit ridiculous. The way my school dealt with it was by explaining her SN to me and by asking me to help with her, in such a way as to make it seem like a really important job. It was quite hard work for me but the teachers made me feel like I was an absolute saint for doing it and it was a huge boost to my self esteem :) In many ways I think that experience was the making of me as I was encouraged to really put myself out for someone else and the reward in terms of satisfaction was huge. It taught me to be patient and kind, even when it was difficult. Eventually the social skills of that little girl improved and she began to make other friends which eased the burden on me.

After that experience I always went out of my way to befriend the "misfits" in school and I went on to teach children with SN.

The rota system is a bit batty and there's no way your DD should have to stick to it. But perhaps there is a way that your DD could help this little girl in a way that will make your DD feel great, like it did for me. Clearly she is a lovely kind compassionate girl and this is why the other girl has been drawn to her. She shouldn't be forced to play with her but if she's willing perhaps she could be asked to contribute to developing this girl's social skills without too much burden being placed upon her?

Original poster
sandyballs · 21/03/2011 21:08

I spoke to SN teacher who kept saying that DD agreed to the rota. I kept repeating that DD is 10 and would not challenge a teacher in those circumstances. We should have been involved. I told her to scrap the rota and start working on helping K to make more friends and keeping her away from DD.

I also rang K's mum and asked her, yet again, to speak to K and ask to her to back off a bit with DD, give her some space. She was very upset and said she would try but had done this before and it hadn't worked. She said K considered DD to be her best friend, but I said unfortunately the feeling isn't mutual. She will play with her but not exclusively and so intensively. A weird comment from the mum was that DD spends a lot of time after school with J, netball, football etc, and therefore DD shouldn't resent playing with K at school. What the hell has that go to do with anything? Who DD sees out of school and what she does is nothing to do with K or her mum.

I'm pissed off and sad that I can't ever see a solution to this as the mum doesn't grasp it at all so what hope has K got of changing. Even when they change schools the likelihood is they will go to the same one and she will continue to harass DD.

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Original poster
sandyballs · 21/03/2011 21:09

That's an interesting angle on it Writerofdreams, how your school handled it.

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Original poster
sandyballs · 21/03/2011 21:43

bump

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BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 22/03/2011 08:49

I'm sorry K's mum was unhelpful. But she sounds out of her depth and very much unsupported by the school. I agree with others here... this is K's problem, and the school are not tackling it.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/03/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ragged · 22/03/2011 14:27

It sounds to me like K's mum is doing everything she can already. Really, the school has to come up with a solution when they are in charge and K's mum is not.